Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age.
...
Chapter 25:
Solas hesitated in front of the Eluvian. He'd been dreading going back. He'd also been anticipating it. There had been scarce moments in his life where it was his own mind in chaos rather than the world around him. Solas didn't know what to do. He knew what he should do.
But Kana…she changed everything…again.
He pushed through the mirror, exiting the Crossroads and arriving back in the ancient capital, in the Hall of Mirrors. He had no business in the city, at least not this late at night so it was only a few steps before he was standing before the passageway to Skyhold, hesitating once again in his trek – until he didn't.
It was late, past the midnight hour and Skyhold, too, was asleep. Most of the staff and castle was deep in the Fade; he could feel the Veil tingling due to the numerous crossings and connections. As he walked from the decrepit tower, through the Commander's old one, through his Rotunda, and eventually into the Great Hall, he hoped Kana would be one of them. He couldn't face her tonight. Solas was too tired, too afraid of letting go. He passed along the hall, stopping to stare at the wolf statute behind his throne. In all his wisdom, in all his years, he was lost on what to do.
Solas made his way up the tower steps, carefully entering into his bedroom, his tower, heart racing in his chest. He wondered if she would still be there or if she'd moved somewhere else in his absence. He wondered if she'd left entirely and the trepidation made Solas push his muscles and skip a few of the stone steps.
At the top of the stairs, he let out a sigh that deflated his entire body. Kana was half way hidden under the sheets, her pale skin, pale for a Dalish at least, gleaming in the little light given off by the hanging moon through the windows. He walked towards the bed as quietly as possible, a ghost of her soul. Kana's injured leg peeked out from the coverings and, as carefully as he could, Solas trailed his long fingers across the edge of the bandage, one or two tips caressing the smooth flesh there. Kana was colder than he liked and he covered the appendage. She did not wake and, due to his sensitivity to the Fade, he knew that she wasn't just pretending to be. His gaze shifted to a slight discoloring in the room, the humble violet humming that made up her left arm; the golden band around the upper part of it. The arm was magic to be sure but it didn't look unnatural. If anything, it added to her wild, unearthly beauty.
Solas' strength escaped him and he careened backwards onto the sofa, elbows meeting his knees, back bending in fatigue. He was crazy, absolutely out of his mind the same way his heart was out of his chest. He decided then, to talk to her tomorrow.
He couldn't avoid her forever, especially now that his work in Orlais was laid and growing from the seeds he'd planted. Solas was playing the Game and the stakes were so high he could feel them around his neck like hands ready to choke the life from him. His own fists clenched as did his teeth.
If they ever knew…if anyone ever found out…
He recalled Adamant, their trip physically into the Fade that had shaken him to the core.
He recalled the cemetery they'd found:
"Himself, Madness, Irrelevance, Became his Parents, Helplessness, Temptation, Despair…Dying Alone."
Never had anything come so close to the truth in his own soul and he regretted that it had to be a demon that did it. That entire escapade in the Fade had set him on edge, for in that moment another fear had risen up: Discovery. He hadn't been ready to reveal himself yet, hadn't been ready to tell her. The fear demon had been correct. His greatest fear was to die alone, forgotten, but that was only half of it, and the nightmare had done him a service. The monster knew of his identity, his association with the orb that Corypheus wielded. The demon had kept his secret as a way of being grateful for his part in the magister's rise. Grateful. The damned thing had been grateful, so large was the nightmare's hubris.
Upon seeing the tombstones, the group of six had drifted slightly, each going to their respective epitaphs, facing their fright. Kana had come up behind him, placing a caring hand on his arm. He reached up to take it, interlocking their fingers. He knew Kana had read his headstone but wouldn't look her in the eyes. He already knew what she would do, stare right back, assuring him that it wouldn't happen. Kana might have even insisted that she would personally make sure that it would never happen. In that moment, in that thought, Solas had wanted nothing more than to have her with him, forever. But the only path he was walking was one of death. She would die from natural causes and he never would unless by the blade or spell.
Then the words had begun to shift, muddying before returning to coherence. He hadn't waited any longer than that, calling the group together.
"It is wrong to dwell here."
He'd pulled Kana away before she'd been able to read what it had changed to and the others didn't bother investigating, too caught up in their own realizations.
Kana shifted on the bed in front of him, stirring him from the memory and Solas got up, covering her more fully in another blanket. He couldn't let her go. Wouldn't be able to.
Once her comfort was satisfactory, Solas went to his arm chair, one he'd spent many nights in already, and sat down into the old friend. But the chair was just that, a chair. It provided ease but nothing would ever compare to or rival the feeling of Kana's fingers, the silk of her chocolate hair, the depths of her eyes, her soul. He would never be able to forsake her.
His greatest fear was dying along...but that was only half of it. He was afraid, so afraid, nearly paralyzed at the thought of dying alone, having been the lover of a martyr.
...
Her hands worked in blood. She was covered with it all the way up to her elbows and Kana had accidentally run the back of her hand across her forehead, trying to brush away stray wisps of hair. There was left a red streak…Kana wondered if she looked like the Champion, her thoughts turning to Kira Hawke. As Inquisitor, she'd met the woman briefly, regarding the Grey Wardens and Adamant fortress. The mage had disappeared shortly after that, traveling to Weisshaupt. It was strange, meeting the heroine from Varric's tales. Kana wondered if all of their stories involving Kirkwall were true. Whatever the case, she hoped that Kira was safe and had found her way back to Fenris. Kana would wish separation from a loved one on no one. She smiled to herself, wondering if Varric was still working on his "Tale of the Inquisitor". Her time as the notorious leader was over but she had a feeling that her role in the history of Thedas wasn't done quite yet.
The soldier before her squirmed on the healer's cot, pulling her back to the waking world, and Kana gripped his hand, trying to calm him down. It wouldn't be long. Though there were few and far between, any injured fighting Garsiv and his monster didn't often come back…and if they did it wouldn't be for long before they left permanently.
"So many wasted lives."
Kana had said that to Cassandra at Caer Oswin after confronting the Lord Seeker. The sentence burned in the back of her throat like that powerful swill Bull used to drink.
"You could save them. No one else need die. Fen'Harel must be stopped."
The elvhen woman breathed out through her nose, pressing palms to the table in front of her.
"And what do you recommend: blood magic, murder? I won't hurt him. You can't make me."
But there was apprehension in her thoughts, a fear of what the Vir'Abelasan was actually capable of. They studied her every second of the day, increasing their awareness, increasing her's. They filled her dreams with memories of Arlathan and Elvehnan only to show those same places burning because of the Evanuris. Kana agree with them. They could not be released. She needed to know what Solas was planning but the Well's patience was wearing thin. They didn't want to talk, to mediate. Mythal had been the peacekeeper and look what happened to her. But the voices were not the only ones getting stronger. Every Kana's her leg grew stronger, she was able to walk farther and with less dependence on her staff. Kana had taken over her own recuperation and poultice application, allowing Mihris to focus her attention back onto her hospital where Kana mainly deployed her time after the day Adris dragged her out of bed. That had been last week.
Sunlight filtered in through the makeshift city of tents and Kana spotted Mihris across the way handling a group of scouts who had unfortunately stumbled across a dragon's nest. Kana could only imagine where they had been; somewhere dry and dusty by the look of their cracked lips and sun burned skin. It made her think of the Approach, of the Fade, and of…
No.
She wasn't going to think about him. Kana had resigned Solas to the back of her mind. He'd been gone for almost two weeks. Whatever he was doing, Kana knew that it wouldn't be a waste of that time. She was not going to be clingy, needy. Kana was going to show him her strength so she could stand with him. But Thedas, she was worried. He could be anywhere, doing anything. She missed him so much, as if their single conversation was as toxic as arsenic, each dose doubling the effect he had on her.
"Hate, fear, he never loved you…"
Kana squeezed her eyes shut and balled her fists. Along with their patience, so had their words turned sour. The ancient elvhen were trapped inside her head with only themselves and her to talk to. Kana was empathetic but she would not let them harm Solas.
The voices left Kana to her work. It was easy to ignore them when all they did was talk but today was a bad day. The scouts were taking much of her energy and mana. Adris sat lazily in a chair on the corner, feet propped up on a table, rocking back and forth with a nerve grating squeak. The Marshall come away with a few minor scratches but was otherwise unhurt. He was there to make sure his men were cared for which was, of course, unnecessary. But there was something else going on today, something that no one had bothered to tell her about it seemed. Everyone was lighter, enthusiastic, despite the injured, and Adris had a small smile on his face…as if he was just waiting for whatever it was to come through the tent flaps.
And someone did, however, Adris' interest died down once he realized it was just Cole.
"Fire in my belly, like Nana's spicy recipes. I could never tell her that I didn't like them."
If Compassion was here, then yes…it wouldn't be long.
Kana cast another sideways look at Mihris who caught her eye and nodded. The healer was as disheveled as Kana was. Gone was Kana's armor, replaced by leggings and a short sleeved tunic with a leather torso wrap. Her left arm, turbulent violet peaked faintly emitted an eerie light in the dimly lit tent. The People had gotten used to her unconventional arm and the smiths had even begun to try and replicate Dagna's band, hoping to use the same technique for other people. Kana wore an apron as well, to try and spare the blood from her attire. She also wore foot wraps and couldn't stop herself from digging her toes into the grass below her through the day. It fell so akin to being home. Before, Skyhold had been confining, with only her tower room giving any comfort or solitude. Now, no one cared about her ears, her clothes, her arm. This place had become more of a home than it had ever been.
With her patient bandaged and taken care of, Kana wiped her hands on a rag and then dunked it in a bucket of water to finish the job. She had another task assigned to her that day and it wouldn't do to go scaring off her pupils.
Suddenly, the squeaking in the corner stopped and Kana looked over Adris' way. His eyes met hers but then drifted to the entrance of the hospital. It seemed all the noise outside had quieted and so had everyone inside as well. Kana held her breath and turned back to her scout. He was still breathing while she was not. Kana put the rag down and finally faced the entrance.
Solas was back…and he was standing right in front of her.