My personality is flexible. It always has been, and it probably always will be. My morals are not so easily bent, but I'm not going to say it's impossible. I've done my fair share of misdeeds, and I won't shy away from that. Among all the things I've done, all the things I'm not proud of, there is one that stands out above the rest, and it eats at me whenever I think about it.
I have a lot of pride as a person. That's both a cultural thing and a personality trait. It may not come across quite as often as it does with people like Daiki and Seijuurou and Shintarou, but it's an integral part of how I function. I have limits. Part of the reason I'm stuck here is likely because I'm too proud to admit my wrongdoings and apologize to my family for not trying to communicate harder. Part of the reason I'm still here is because people like Tetsuya and Daiki and Ryouta and Satsuki all helped me keep it together before I had a chance to come completely undone. I am a proud person, and that's not something I can deny.
In all my years that I can remember, there's only been one person I haven't defied. Seijuurou has always seemed like something I cannot overcome. His word has always seemed final, and because he's always helped me when I've been desperate, I've allowed it to be final. This, however, must come to an end. I know that if I want to continue to be the person I'd like to be, I can't have a person who is the only authority in my life. The only one who should be making my decisions is I. The only one who can tell me what to do is I. This, however, is a problem. I depend on Sei when things are rougher than they should be, and that's a weakness I'll have to overcome. In order to grow, I must isolate myself from him. No, isolating myself isn't the answer. All I need to do is defy him.
I'm not a person who is defiant to authoritative figures, but this needs doing. Not just for my sake, but for Sei's as well. He needs to know as well that I'm not someone who will bend to his will anymore. To do that, I'll have to release the flexibility of my personality once more. I'll have to return to the stubborn person I was before. I'm not looking forward to the consequences, but it's necessary. It has to be.
That, at least, was what I thought up until this moment. Red and gold drilling holes into me once more as I stay standing on Touou's basketball court. "I won't let you play, even if it means injuring you." He says, eyes narrowed in fury as I cross my arms over my chest. Satsuki is somewhere behind me, with the rest of the team. I'm lucky I'm still standing.
"I'll play, even if you do that." I say stubbornly, my knees locking to keep me from turning tail. I keep my back stiff and straight so I don't submit to the urge to bow and apologize. I bite my lip to keep it from quivering. "I'll play against Seirin, and that's final. You can't tell me what to do anymore, Seijuurou. I don't play for you. I play for Touou." I keep myself from naming anyone. If I do that, Sei could go after them.
I can hear his scissors snipping open and closed even from here. My heart is racing. My lungs feel like they've been deprived of air. It's like I'm under water once more, or facing Hanamiya, or even worse, Haizaki. My hands curl into fists. "You like your teammates that much, huh? What if I take them from you?" He asks, eyes narrowing further.
"I won't let you. You cannot touch my teammates, past or present." I return, finally flattening the quiver in my voice. "They are mine. Not yours."
"This isn't like you, Alex. You know that this will have some serious consequences, don't you?" Run, run, run, run, run!
"Yes." What am I even doing, defying this boy? This boy who pulled me from a coach who'd only used me like a toy. "I'm not afraid of them. You can't tell me what to do forever, you know. I have my own life." Seijuurou only raises an eyebrow.
"Do you remember when you told me that you'd allow me three wishes that go against yours?" My eyes widen. "I do have one left, you know."
Sei's first wish was that I quit softball. I did it willingly. I had no drive to play at that point. His second was my transfer from Seirin to Touou. I didn't know enough to go against it. He does have a third, and if he uses it here, things will turn ugly.
"I do remember. You're lucky I even allowed the second to happen." I hiss furiously. "I'm not a toy, Seijuurou. I do not break after the third. You cannot play that way." Red and gold glowering at me furiously, like blood and liquid metal. My personality is going to seriously suffer for doing this.
"H-Hai-chan, I think it's best to do as he says." Satsuki says behind me. My body stiffens.
"Satsuki, I do hope you realize that I'm going to lose my temper if you say anything more." I hiss, turning to glare at the pinkette. I turn back to Seijuurou in time for Daiki to walk in.
"What's this?" He asks. "Akashi?" Seijuurou ignores him.
"Don't think I don't know what's going on between you and Daiki." Seijuurou says. "It would be a shame if something happened to him." My hands curl into fists.
"I won't allow you to." I say angrily. "I'm playing, and I won't let you stop me. You can't make my decisions for me anymore, Sei. I won't let you. I don't want to follow your orders anymore." What's that gleam in his eye? The way he's looking at me sends shivers down my spine.
Seijuurou is not a bad guy. To be honest, I think he has a God-complex, but that doesn't really matter. "Is that so?" He asks, his voice sounding more dangerous than usual. I nod vehemently, my jaw clenched. My heart is going to beat straight out of my chest. I'm scared. I'm scared for Imayoshi and Sakurai, for Wakamatsu and Susa, for Daiki and Satsuki. I'm scared for Kagami and Tetsuya, for Shintarou and Atsushi and Ryouta. I'll accept my fate.
"It's hard to take you seriously when you look like you're about to do as I say, Alex." I'm sweating bullets here. I grit my teeth. "I'll forgive you if you apologize and promise not to defy me again."
"I don't care." I say as loudly as I dare. "I'm not going to do as you say anymore. I've done it up until now because I've owed you so much, but this is coming to an end. We no longer attend the same school or play for the same team. You aren't my captain anymore, Seijuurou." There are many things I want to tell the dragon-like Sei, but not all of them will come out.
"I've done as you said in the past. I quit softball because you asked me to, not because I didn't want to play. I forgot what teamwork was like after that. I wonder if that's what you were aiming for? I switched school because you asked me to, even though every cell in my body wanted to stay at Seirin. I never wanted to go to Touou. I wanted to play with Tetsuya, not against him. I wanted to be able to experience teamwork again, and have fun when we won. Do you even know what victory feels like, Seijuurou? It's normal to you, but to me, it used to be something you celebrate with teammates, something that made you feel like dancing and singing and screaming your happiness out to everyone who'll listen.
"I wonder what it feels like now, aside from just a fact, an occurrence, that happens when we play. I wanted to struggle. I wanted to feel competition once more, but you took that away from me, Seijuurou. Why did you do that to me? As grateful as I am to have met everyone on this team, to have been able to play with Daiki and to see Satsuki as my manager once more, I regret ever setting foot in this school.
"I owe you plenty. I owe you respect and my thanks and lots of things that I'm not sure I know how to repay, but I'm trying to do my best here. I don't owe you obedience, Seijuurou. I don't owe you the right to order me around like a pet or a soldier. I'm not a toy. You have plenty of good advice, and you're usually correct, but you don't know what's best for me like I do. I'm telling you as someone who respects you greatly that I won't follow your orders anymore. I'm done." God, I want to run. I want to run and bow and apologize, but then all my words would be for nothing.
I'm doing my best to stay in place, to stay tall and keep my head up and look Seijuurou in the eye. I can do this. "Maybe you have grown a little since we last met." He says. Acknowledgement from Sei? That's practically unheard of, with the current him and all. "You can even look me in the eye this time. I'll allow it. Your defiance is not excused. Your training menu should be tripled."
"Sorry, but we don't work that way here." Imayoshi says flatly. "I'm in charge, not you. Hai's training menu will remain the same as always." I could actually cry. The last time I tried to defy Seijuurou, I had no one to back me up. I was alone, and later subservient. It took me a long time to get over that one. Is it really different this time around?
"You can't really expect her to still let you order her around, Akashi." Daiki says suddenly. The brunt of Sei's gaze remains on me, although he spares a second to send the bluenette a frigid glare that would make a grown man run and hide. I don't think I can take much more of this sort of intensity. I'm bad at being yelled at, and I hate arguing. I promise myself that this is necessary. I breathe in deeply and soften the sigh that tries to press past my lips.
"Seijuurou, I'd like to think of the two of us as friends; however, if you continue to order me around or if you'll disrespect me, I don't want to be around you. I don't think you're a bad person. Your thinking is generally correct and I have yet to see you lose a single shogi match, which I'm not sure is possible, but I won't let you dictate my future anymore. I'll allow you your third wish, but you cannot use it on anything that has to do with my teammates. I will play." Red and gold are drilling holes into me.
"I see." He says after a few minutes. There's something in his gaze that I can't quite understand, but it doesn't look like anything bad. "Playing aside, there is one more thing to discuss." I raise an eyebrow. "Two, actually. Your sister should stay where she is. Having her stay with you will reap you no rewards. If anything, her request to stay with you should've made you suspicious." I was already thinking along those same lines, so this comes as no surprise. "Secondly, my parents wish to give you their answer. This weekend is fine." I nod, relief flooding my chest. It doesn't seem like I'll be the victim of a murder today.
Sei's voice is somehow less demanding, not that anyone else would really seem to notice. I suppose it's just me who would. "You should know that I'm always right. Playing against Seirin will not help you." I stretch my fingers slightly by my sides.
"It might not help me, but I want to see what kind of team Seirin's become. Tetsu won't let me down." Seijuurou merely raises an eyebrow.
"There are always consequences for actions like those." He states. "That match will not be enjoyable." He then turns to walk out. I shudder slightly as he reaches the door. Seijuurou looks back at me once more. "You should take heed of this, though. Don't think that just because you've defied me once means you'll be able to another time. I'm not your enemy, Alex." The redhead then leaves calmly, silently, fluidly. My knees stop locking and buckle completely.
"Alex!" I wave Daiki off as he crouches next to me. "Oi, don't just scare me like that." I try to crack a smile and laugh what's happened off, but even someone like me would never be able to do that.
I've always prided myself on standing up after I've fallen down. It's a skill I think comes in handy, and it's important to my character as a person. Knowing I can get back up after falling down is what's spurred me forward all this time. Knowing hardship passes and there are better times ahead motivates me to roll out of bed every day, so I can work a little harder and go a little farther and get a little better.
I want to think that I've gotten just a little closer to where I want to be. I want to think that life has gotten just a little easier. If I can stand up to Sei, then I can stand up to anyone. I'm not going to bend under his will any further than I already have. Things have gone far enough. Then a sudden realization hits me like a ton of bricks. I've quite literally just told my team that I never wanted to play for them, that I've never wanted to play with them. I've thrown all their kindness so far back into their faces, and I don't know what I can say to make up for that. I wonder anxiously if they're angry at me, but correct myself.
If my team is angry, so be it. I wanted to be enrolled at Seirin, and that's simply how things are. Yes, there are times when I've regretted being here with every fiber of my being, but I've never once thought that these people were bad to play with. Yes, Imayoshi's personality is insufferable at times, and yes, Wakamatsu has no idea how to stop yelling. Yes, Daiki has attitude issues, and yes, Sakurai is too apologetic for his own good, and yes, maybe Susa doesn't talk to me all that much, but these people are all great to have as friends. Just having Imayoshi stand up for me after I said what I did astounds me.
I stand up after another few minutes, stretching my arms and legs. "H-Hai-chan!" Satsuki throws herself at me, and I struggle to keep from being knocked over. My eyes are wide with surprise, probably wider than they've ever been before.
"S-Satsuki? What's wrong? Did I do something?" Her arms are so tight around me that I can hardly breathe.
"I'm really sorry!" She exclaims, squeezing me tightly. "I forgot about all that. I remembered last time and I didn't want you to see the same consequences." Pink hair keeps air from reaching my nose, but I choose not to comment on it.
"Is that so?" I ask. "Next time have a little faith, okay? I'm not the same person I was from last time. I like to think I've grown a little, ya know." Satsuki laughs breathlessly in my ear as I coil my arms around her. "But thanks for worrying. It means a lot to me, ya know?" Eventually, Satsuki relinquishes me from her vice-like grip so I can actually breathe.
"I'm sorry if I've offended any of you." I say, bowing to the Touou players. "But that's how I feel, and how I've felt. I won't apologize for saying any of it. I hope it doesn't make you see me any differently." Then I turn to Imayoshi and bow a little deeper. "And thank you for saying what you did." I right myself. "Nobody's ever said something like that to Seijuurou when I've argued with him before. I... I really, really appreciate it."
Imayoshi doesn't really say anything for a while. He just watches me, like I've presented him with an interesting opportunity. "What kind of captain would let another captain tell them how to run their team?" He replies at long last. "I don't have any intention of letting someone that short and cocky tell me how to train my teammates, especially one who just barges in and intimidates one of my kohais."
I raise an eyebrow at the comment, but I don't attempt reprimanding him for belittling me to his kohai, which is technically correct. "Still... thank you." I say, offering him a smile. "I'm grateful." A rather large hand grabs the top of my head and ruffles my hair rather violently.
"Stop thanking people already, Alex." Daiki growls. "It's really not like you." I try swatting his hand away between my breathless laughter, but it doesn't do much good.
"Daiki, are you just jealous 'cause I saved you for last?" The bluenette doesn't answer, instead opting to jab my side and make me squeal in surprise. I continue to dodge his hands and grin at him. "Seriously though, thanks, Daiki." I'm about to bow when the bluenette flicks my forehead, surprising me. I rub the offended spot gingerly and pout at the taller boy. "That was mean, Daiki. I was saying thanks and you hit my forehead? I'm offended!" Daiki rolls his eyes.
"You shouldn't thank people for being decent human beings, you idiot." He mutters, ruffling my hair once more. I stick my tongue out at him.
"Where Sei's concerned, it takes more than a decent human being to do something like what you guys did." I mutter. Daiki merely rolls his eyes.