Chapter Twenty-Five
Beckett was tired. It wasn't a kind of tired that allowed her to fall into bed and sleep; it was the kind of tired that set her on edge. She was tired of wondering when the other shoe was going to drop. She was tired of trying to figure out another person's motivations. Mostly, she was so tired of lying awake at night arguing with herself.
She knew it would be so easy. It was simple, really. She knew that all she had to do to get the conversation started was the utterance of five simple words, 'I broke up with Josh.' She knew that would lead them to some kind of resolution, what that resolution was, she wasn't sure about, but that's all it would take to start the ball rolling.
She knew why she didn't say anything. As much as she wanted to, something in her warned that if she mentioned it that would be the beginning of the end for them. Castle's actions the day he thought she was going to marry Josh had been very telling. He had spoken so many deep and profound thoughts, all but said he felt something meaningful for her, but that was when he thought she was someone else's.
When it all came down, after he had her, he walked away. It wasn't the leaving that got to her. If it had been just that, she knew the whole conversation would be easier to have. It was the fact that she had opened herself up to him, confessed to feelings she hadn't, until that moment, even allowed herself to admit in her own head. Once the words were out of her mouth, she was surprisingly relieved as if she had been keeping some big dark secret. Silence had blanketed her until sleep won out again and when she woke the next morning he was gone.
That was the message she was left warring with on the occasions that she almost found the admission of her current relationship status coming to light. She knew it was ridiculous, especially when she had no intention of pursuing anything with him as things currently stood. Not that it was a worry, other than the physical; he hadn't offered her anything else. She knew that was the crux of the problem. While he had never made a secret of wanting her in bed, he made no promises. Her confession of having feelings for him had been more than enough to scare him away. It was all the proof she needed to keep her away from him.
Then, to have him offer some kind of friends with benefits option to her while Josh was away seemed to cement the conviction that he wanted nothing more than the physical from her. There was another side that was at war with that first bitter, angry and frustrated side. It was the part of her that held out hope for something more. Held out hope that there was some kind of explanation for his actions, though what that could possibly be she didn't know. It was the doubt the first side of her internal argument needed to blow holes in all her theories on the writer's positive character.
She knew him. He wasn't this guy her anger was building him up as being. He probably didn't mean to hurt her like he had, they were friends and she trusted him. She was certain he trusted her too, and perhaps that close proximity and mutual respect had put the note of jealousy in him. The dancing they did around each other for so long had built until it seemed like it was something more. He probably actually thought there was something there, but once he had it in his hands, he realized that he didn't want to be tied down.
He wasn't the same man she had met those years ago, she knew that he wasn't traipsing around town sleeping with any number of women. His own confession that there hadn't been anyone since Gina was enough to prove that point. However, not having endless strings of sexual relationships didn't mean that he was interested in any kind of monogamous relationship. Her confession of feelings in that moment probably felt like a prison sentence to a man who had made no secret of his interest to avoid serious commitment.
She could easily guess what had gone through his mind in those moments after her confession. His brain working a mile a minute as he saw a life with her play out and realized that no matter how much he thought he had wanted something with her, in actuality, he hadn't been ready or willing or interested. Whichever it was, she wasn't sure, but none of them seemed particularly appealing from her perspective.
It had taken a lot out of her to watch him come in and act like nothing had changed when she was significantly altered. He pushed for things to go back to normal. He brought coffee, made jokes, invited her out to Remy's, and even told her straight that he wanted their friendship back. The moment had felt like a slap to the face and she asked for time.
They did end up at Remy's eventually and the days passed without incident. Things started to feel normal again and on some level she started to accept the parts of him he was willing to offer. Having his friendship had always been worth it. It had always been enough. Knowing how he felt inside her, how he tasted against her mouth, or how quickly he had learned all the spots on her body that drove her crazy, had gotten in the way of that knowledge for a few days.
She couldn't stop the thoughts that swamped her as she waited for sleep. The stupid hope that still seemed to burn in her chest when she thought about telling him about Josh. She hated to admit it, even to herself, that she was scared of his reaction. She wasn't worried that he'd try to start a physical relationship with her when he found out. She knew that was a possibility, and she wasn't sure whether she'd be willing to take that much from him when she saw so much more than that as possible for them. No, what worried her, what kept her up at night and left its mark in the form of black smudges under her eyes, was the opposite.
Her concern in actually telling him was that it would be the end of her wondering. It could mark the end of her hope on the subject and she wasn't ready to deal with the ramifications to her heart if he found out about the end of her relationship and he took it in stride. If he didn't want her after he found out he could have her. It was as scary as her initial confession should have been. The idea that his reaction would be less than favorable was becoming more and more obvious with every day that passed with them as 'just friends' again.
It all seemed to come so easy to him and sometimes she let it get to her. Sometimes she just wanted to push him, to force a reaction, but she didn't.
When they went out for drinks with everyone, it felt good. They laughed and joked like old times and she felt good. Playing pool with him had been just what she needed to cement the resolve she was building up. Having fun in a platonic setting, as they had so many times before. She taunted him, he waggled his eyebrows and said something outrageous, she rolled her eyes. It was them, and it felt right. She knew she might never have more, but it had showed her that it might still be enough.
Then he had missed that shot. She hadn't noticed at first, her eyes distracted by tight denim as she stood behind and to the left of him while he took the shot. It wasn't until after she showed him how to make it and the ball finally fell that everything shifted again. It was like being thrown right back to the start again when he pulled her against him.
It was mixed messages and it was messing with her head. She couldn't take it. She finished the round and retreated to the group. Lanie caught her eyes and the silently communicated that they needed to talk. Once they were away from the guys, it didn't take her friend long to convince Kate that they should go back to her place to enjoy some alcohol in the privacy of the detective's house.
She had spilled her guts to her friend that night. She watched as Lanie went from gushing over Castle's confession to her, to gasping at Kate's, to shock at the writer leaving. Lanie defended Castle at every stop until they got to the night in Castle's loft when he had offered to distract her and be her guy on the side until Josh came back. Lanie had been pissed at Castle, but Beckett talked her down.
They both drank too much and stayed up too late, but Kate felt better not having to wear all the weight of it on herself. Lanie had made some valid points and on some level the side of her that still believed there was a chance for her and Castle took those words and stored them away. She pulled them out again the next night and several times over the following days at work. She was glad when they caught the killer, but surprised that Castle stuck around while she did the paperwork.
"Maybe there's something else there that you're not seeing." Lanie had said and it reverberated in her mind until his stomach growling had cut into her thoughts. She felt herself bolstering with the knowledge that she couldn't go on the way things were without developing an ulcer. What that thought in mind, conviction to finally just tell him about Josh, she asked him if he wanted to grab dinner at Remy's.
Despite the casual manner in which Castle had suggested Italian over Remy's, and pointed out the fact that they were trying to get back to the easy camaraderie they'd shared in the past, she had a momentary urge to get up and leave as soon as they were seated in the Italian restaurant. It wasn't the eating or the company; she had been the one to suggest dinner. It was sitting at a table with a finely pressed white table cloth. It was feeling the thick cloth napkin and being greeted by a waiter that was wearing a tie.
Beckett was surprised that a few words about Castle's daughter and the writer's obvious discomfort with the thought of his girl being so far away could wipe away all the negative thoughts she had been letting seep into her since they had arrived at the restaurant. She hadn't been thrilled with her own observation about how easy it would be for Castle to up and relocate to another country, but it was an observation she felt she had to make, if for no other reason than to reassure him that she was ok with their decision to try and stay friends. It's what a friend would have suggested, but it didn't make her feel any less sick of the thought.
As they continued to eat and make small talk, she was surprised that the negativity didn't return, but she did talk herself out of telling him what she had intended when they set out to eat together.
When they had finished dinner and walked outside, the cold air was a shock that sent a shiver through her. Without a word, Castle hailed a cab and held the door for her. She didn't realize his intent until he was climbing in beside her. He gave the cabbie her address and they settled into silence as the cab pulled into a sea of other cars.
A sudden thought occurred to her. "Alexis mentioned an interest in Harvard or Columbia; did she not get into either of them?"
Castle's smile was unexpected considering the conversation had initially put him in a sour mood, but she could see the pride shining in his eyes. "She's amazing. She was accepted to all of her top five choices, the big three, Columbia and Oxford."
"Wow." Beckett responded as the information sank in, "So she pretty much has the entire world at her fingertips."
Castle nodded, and she watched the pride pull him out of his frustration, "She has received more accepted applications to schools than I thought she even applied to." His smile turned a little wistful as he continued, "She didn't even try to use me to get in. They all want her, because she worked hard, not because of who her dad is."
"You know," Kate said as she watched the streets pass by and knew she was only a few minutes from home if traffic held steady. "I think she'll pick Columbia or Harvard."
Castle cocked an eyebrow at her, looking as if he was not really letting himself get his hopes up about his little girl flying halfway across the world to live for years without him being close to her.
"She seems to be interested in the law programs there." She replied and turned her head towards him to watch a moment of contemplation cross his features.
He considered her, looking mildly uncomfortable. "Law? When did she talk to you about that?"
Kate shrugged, suddenly feeling like she had shared something that was spoken to her in confidence, but remembering no request to keep the information to herself, Kate spoke, "A couple months ago, I guess."
"You're not saying," Castle stopped as if working to control something that was burning in him, "She didn't say she wanted to be a cop or anything, did she?"
Kate gave him a little smile and thought about stringing him along. One look at the concern in his eyes was enough to stop that thought in its tracks. "She didn't say she was decided on a career path, but she seemed more interested in the courtroom type than the gritty streets kind."
She felt his hand grab hers and squeeze it, but he didn't seem to notice what he was doing. Despite the fact that it put that same uncomfortable feeling in her stomach that his holding her at the bar had, she fought against it. He was worried, this was what he needed and as a friend she could do this without pushing him away further.
"Oh, thank God." He said, and she heard the sincere relief in him. "Not to speak ill on your profession, because you know I have the utmost respect for you, but I couldn't take the worry." She didn't know what to say to that, but apparently the silence didn't bother him. After a moment of internal thought he spoke again, "I don't know how your dad does it without going completely catatonic."
"I think that's more a case of the less you know the better." She said as the cabbie pulled up outside her apartment.
Castle agreed as he opened the door and stepped out so she could slide out of the cab.
She couldn't stop herself from reaching out to rejoin their hands and giving him a little squeeze. "I really don't think she'll go that far away for school. She'd miss you too much."
She didn't think much of her reassurance, but apparently he did as his eyes sparkled with gratitude. She went to pull her hand back and he squeezed gently as if asking her not to let go. A moment later she watched as if unable to move as he closed the space between them. She thought he was going to kiss her, but his lips brushed softly against her cheek.
Beckett didn't realize her eyes had closed until she opened them to see him smiling shyly at her, "Thanks, Kate."
Another moment of silence followed her nod of response. His expression was so open and honest; she felt the tension in her ease suddenly washed away under his gaze. She had just opened her mouth to spill what she had been keeping to herself for over a week, when her phone rang.
She pulled it out as Castle released her hand, "Beckett." She tapped Castle's arm as he went to turn back to the cab and shook her head. She gestured for him to get something to write with out and then gave him an address.
It was back to work for her. She suggested he head home, but he refused and they shared the cab back to the precinct to retrieve her car.
When they arrived at the scene, Castle paled at the sight of the victim and for the first time since she's known him, he turned and walked out of the cramped alley. She watched him take up position against a corner of the building at the mouth of the alleyway before turning her attention back to the body.
She didn't blame him when she heard the retching and looked to see him lose his lasagna in the trash can out by the street. Kids were always the hardest and the way the young body was laid out, made is worse than most of the scenes they had been to before. With a heavy sigh to steel herself against the emotions that she couldn't afford to let overtake her, she turned to Lanie, "What do we got?"
x.x.x
A/N: Turns out I didn't lose you guys, the traffic counter is down again. I'd rather the traffic count be broken than have the update process down like it was last week. Who's with me on that? Everyone? Yeah, I thought so.
I didn't have time to proof this beyond spelling and grammar, if it doesn't make sense, I'm very sorry, but my life got crazy… Drama central with the ex (daughter's dad) breaking his supervised visit orders and everything is a huge mess. So, anyway, things may get a little crazy over the next few weeks and I wanted to let you know in advance that my updates might only be 2 or 3 a week for a while.
Review that made my day: Freewheeler, not because I think it's ok to ignore your vacation or anything, but it makes me feel really good to hear that I have that kind of literary pull for you. I'm glad you're enjoying the ride, now go to the beach or something and enjoy your trip, because we just had snow a couple days ago and I'm so very jealous of your island vacation!
Thanks to everyone for reading.