IIIIII...LIIIIIVE......AGAAAAAAAIN!!! That's right folks, I'm back in business! Quick note: it's come to my attention that reboot!McCoy actually has hazel eyes, not blue. From henceforth, his eyes will be described as such. When I can, I'll go back and correct past references to his blue eyes.
Anyway, on with the show!
Ch 24: Confrontation
Uhura sighed at the four girls that sat in her room. They were still in their uniforms, but each had their own pint of ice cream. Chapel had gone to Rand crying about what she heard McCoy say to Spock. Rand then called Valerie to her room and explained the situation, who then called Eliza to do the same. Eliza then suggested they all go to Uhura's room and talk about it together over ice cream. Uhura was glad that they all knew that the best way to feel better about guy issues was to turn to her, but having all of them in her room at once was a bit much.
"I just can't believe he's still pining away for the captain!" Chapel blubbered over her chocolate brownie ice cream. "When he asked me out on that date back on shore leave, I thought that he was finally putting it behind him for good!"
Mulling over her chocolate vanilla swirled ice cream, Valerie said, "I don't know why you're so surprised. If you spend as long as Doctor McCoy did pining over someone that you don't stand a chance with, only to lose him to someone you don't think is worthy of him, it's really hard to get over it. Hell, I'm still trying to get over one guy I had a crush on for several years, and I'm engaged!"
"All men are pigs," Eliza said as she shoved another spoonful of chocolate mint ice cream into her mouth. "They couldn't be loyal to anyone or anything if their life depended on it."
Rand glared at Eliza over her chocolate strawberry ice cream. "You're one to talk Eliza. Last I heard you couldn't pick whether you wanted to be with Sulu or Chekov. How can you of all people preach about the inevitable infidelity of men when you're sleeping with two guys who are best friends?"
Eliza shot a glare back at Rand and said, "At least I have someone to complain about Janice."
"Alright," Uhura cut off the two off before things could escalate. "As nice as it is to complain about our own relationships, we're here to talk about Christine's relationship."
"What relationship?" Chapel sulked. "How can you call what we have a relationship? We haven't spent any time together outside of duty in the last four months! Every time I suggested doing something he blew me off!" She dropped her voice down an octave and wrinkled her face in a frown. "'Sorry Christine, I'm just not in the mood to do anything tonight.' 'Sorry Christine, I'm busy.' 'Sorry Christine, I gotta check up on Jim.'"
The four girls stared at her in awe. "You know," Valerie said, "you do a scarily accurate impression of Doctor McCoy…"
"Yeah," Rand nodded. "Either you've spent way too much time around him, or you've got a knack for impressions."
Chapel gave a sad smirk. "It might be a bit of both really."
Eliza grinned like a Cheshire cat and said, "Ooh! Do one of Spock! I wanna see how good an impression you can do of him!"
The giggles and cheers of her friends encouraged her to try it. Laughing, she raised her hands and said, "Okay, okay! I'll do one of Spock!" She took a moment to calm down and closed her eyes. Taking a few deep breaths, she focused on relaxing her face completely and then opened her eyes. With a dead pan expression on her face, she said, "'Doctor McCoy, I find it highly illogical that you continue to 'pine away' for my fiancé even though he rejected months ago. Surely by now you know that Jim prefers my hot Vulcan loving over your Southern charm!"
Chapel lost it before she could finish her impression. Her laughter mixed with that of her friends at the amusingly absurd statement done in Spock's voice. Sides were gripped, lungs wheezed and gasped for air, and tears formed at the corners of the five girl's eyes as they laughed and laughed. Chapel gasped and said, "Oh my God, I'm sorry! I couldn't do it!"
"No, that was perfect!" Uhura said between laughs. "I could totally picture Spock saying that with a straight face!"
The girls continued to laugh for a while longer before eventually calming down. They returned to their ice cream, which had started melting while they laughed. Chapel sighed and said, "But seriously, what should I do? Should I just give up?"
"Well," Valerie said, being the closest of the group to marriage, "what you gotta do is ask yourself 'Is he worth fighting for?' Sure, Captain Kirk has no romantic interest in him, but it's gonna take a long time for McCoy to be completely over him. Would you rather keep waiting for him to move on? Or would you rather count your losses and look for love elsewhere?"
Chapel sighed again and shook her head. "I don't know…I just don't know right now. I really do want to be with him, but if he can't put the Captain behind him, I'd just be wasting my time…"
The four girls looked at Chapel sadly. She was usually happy and full of life; seeing her so depressed and sad was akin to a cloudy day when the weather was always sunny. Each of them tried to think of something encouraging that they could say; something that could blow the clouds away at least a little bit to let a few rays of sunshine back in. At that point in time though, anything that could be said would sound hollow. They all knew that hollow words of hope were as good as nothing at all.
"Listen," Chapel said as she placed the lid of her ice cream back onto the carton, "I really appreciate you guys trying to cheer me up, but I think I just need some time alone to think to be honest."
She rose from her place on the floor and handed the half full carton of rocky road to Uhura. Smiling weakly, she said, "Thanks for the ice cream. I, uh, I'll see you all later, okay?"
The four girls watched in silence as Chapel left the room quietly. The room remained devoid of sound for what felt like hours after she left. Breaking the silence, Eliza spoke up. "We can't just let things stay like this. How could we call ourselves her friends if we did?"
Uhura nodded in agreement. "You're right. It's obvious Leonard still has his head shoved way too far up his ass to pull it out on his own."
With a devious smirk, Valerie added, "And who better to help him remove it than us?"
McCoy walked down the hall with a sour look on his face. Uhura's request to talk to him couldn't have come at a worse time. After having Christine overhear that he still had feelings for Kirk and getting in Spock's face over it, he was not in the mood to do anything besides sit in his office with the door locked and down one of his bottles of Sirian brandy. He couldn't even turn to Kirk in his time of need, as doing so would mean letting him know that he still wasn't over him.
To have the truth bite McCoy so viciously in the butt proved to be a rude awakening, especially after spending months trying to ignore his feelings. For the first time in his life, he finally understood some of the pain that Spock forced himself to go through on a daily basis. It may not have been a cultural upbringing that motivated him to burying his true feelings deep within him, but it was still very difficult and very painful for him. The best course of action was to move on and pursue a relationship with Chapel, but for whatever reason, his heart seemed adamant about rejecting the logical course of action.
It wasn't that he didn't care for Chapel; that was far from the case. In reality, he felt himself falling more and more in love with her on a daily basis, but there was something about Kirk that he just couldn't let go. There was a deep connection between the two of them that spoke to him in ways no other relationship had. Maybe his failed marriage with his ex-wife prevented him from opening up fully to another woman. Maybe there was a safety in the feelings he had for Kirk that was more inviting and less scary than the potential feelings he could have for Chapel. Whatever the reason, it caused far more trouble than he really needed.
The sight before him after he entered the conference room was not one he expected. Sitting in the chairs with very irritated looks on their faces were Rand, Uhura, Eliza, and Valerie. If he hadn't been familiar with these tactics, he would have been very confused by the presence of the four girls. He was no stranger to Chapel's personal life and knew that the four girls before him were her good friends. And like most good friends, they were defending Chapel's honor.
"Well," McCoy said, "I see the gang's all here."
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Eliza blurted. "How can you keep stringing Christine along like this? Do you take some sick pleasure in breaking her heart?"
"Well I…"
"Kirk rejected you months ago," Uhura interrupted. "Chapel knew it too. She even agreed to give you time to come to terms with your feelings and move on. You were the one to ask her out on that date during shore leave, and this is how you thank her?"
McCoy frowned and approached the table. "Hey don't give me that bullshit. In case you forgot, the only reason I asked her out is because Scotty made it seem like it was the only way he could go out on a date with you! By the way, thanks for lying about that. It's because you two manipulated me that I'm even in this mess to begin with!"
"Don't blame this on me!" Uhura shouted. A perfectly manicured finger tapped the table in front of her. "When that date ended, you could've done whatever you wanted! You could have told her you still weren't ready or that you just weren't interested in her! You didn't have to keep stringing her along just to pacify her!"
"I enjoyed her company! Does it surprise you that I began to open up a little bit to her? Is it so weird that I decided to take a chance and test the waters? I really do have an interest in Christine!"
Valerie glared at McCoy. "Then why would you bring your feelings for Captain Kirk back up to Mr. Spock?"
McCoy's head snapped in the direction of the young communications officer. He growled, "Do you have any idea what I've gone through the last four months? Have you not seen the state that the captain has been in? Hell, you're all friends so I would have figured at the very least you would've gossiped about that!"
"That doesn't answer my question!" Valerie leaned forward in her chair and repeated herself. "If you're so interested in Christine, whywould you bring your feelings for Captain Kirk back up to Mr. Spock?!?"
"Because I resent their relationship!"
The room was so quiet that if a pin dropped it would have echoed in their ears. McCoy's jaw was clenched tightly as the onslaught of emotions overflowed from deep within him. After shouting his last words, McCoy dropped his voice back down to an acceptable volume.
"I was everything to Jim before Spock showed up. When he needed someone to talk to, I was there. When needed someone to vent his frustrations on, I was there. When he was homesick and needed a shoulder to lean on, I was there. I was the first one to love him for his insecurities, for his strengths, for his weaknesses. I was the first one to love him despite his womanizing ways and his overbearing self-confidence! Me, not him! And yet and still, after being there for him through thick and thin, I get shoved off like none of that ever mattered!"
"Did it ever occur to you for one moment that the love you felt for Kirk wasn't necessarily romantic love?" Uhura asked. "Take it from someone who knows, just because you've seen every side of someone doesn't mean you're entitled to be the one they fall in love with! There's much more to love than that!"
Valerie spoke with less emotion, but with wisdom that extended beyond her young age. "Love isn't selfish or jealous. At the end of the day, it's not really your thoughts and feelings that are the most important; it's theirs. True love isn't about getting what you want and making yourself happy; that's just a beautiful side effect of giving yourself fully to someone. Your role in the relationship is to be the loving, supporting cheerleader that's always by their side. You're there when things are boring. You're there when things are good. You're there when things are bad. Your one driving force from the moment you wake up in the morning is putting a smile on their face. Anything less than that isn't really love."
McCoy stared at Valerie briefly before turning away and said, "You're talking to someone who was married once. You don't think I don't know that?"
"No," Valerie said, "I just think you forgot it."
Silence. Rand, who had been quiet up until now, looked at McCoy and said, "Doctor, your inability to put your feelings for Captain Kirk to rest is going to make you miss out on a great relationship with Christine. If you screw this up, you'll lose something precious beyond measure. This isn't about whether you love Christine or not, as weird as that sounds. This is about treating her like an adult. If you really aren't ready for more than just a friendship with her then just tell her. You're only going to push her further away if you don't."
McCoy looked down at the floor and let their words sink in. To their surprise, he had no more words to defend himself with. Nodding, he simply said, "You're right. Regardless of my feelings, I'm not being fair to Christine at all. I…" He sighed and dropped his voice down low. "I'll talk to Christine and tell her how I feel."
Uhura rose from her chair and went to McCoy's side. She put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a reassuring look. "I can't tell you that Christine will wait for you forever, but I know if you just go and talk to her, she'll be willing to wait for a while. Just…just get your shit together before she gives up completely, okay?"
"I'll try," McCoy said with a sad smile. "God knows I'll try."
The stars twinkled silently in the space outside of the observation deck. Ever so slowly they passed by as the Enterprise sailed toward their next destination. Only the dull roar of the engines could be heard on the normally occupied observation deck, as most of the crew was either asleep or tending to their duties.
McCoy couldn't have felt lonelier if he tried.
Whether it was his situation as a whole that got him down or the total solitude he found himself in when he arrived was beyond him. All he knew was that in that moment, he felt like the only man in the entire universe. He knew that he had no one but himself to blame for the way he felt. It was made clear months ago that he was never meant to be with Kirk and that Kirk just simply didn't return his feelings. Meanwhile, Chapel anxiously awaited the chance to be more than just his nurse. Everything was laid out for him; he simply needed to reach out and take what was his.
So why couldn't he do it?
He sighed as he thought long and hard about it. In the end, the answer he needed was obvious; his last wife did a bigger number on him than he expected. True, she took him for everything she could before he left for the academy, but the cherry on top of the shitpile that was their divorce was the finalization of the custody battle for his young daughter Joanna. Barely four years old was she when he left everything behind to join Starfleet. In his absence, his mother beat it into her head that he was a low-down scoundrel who never loved her. When he visited her before the five year mission started, the smiling little girl that he once knew was gone. In her place was a scowling seven-year-old who couldn't stand to look at him.
His melancholy thoughts were interrupted by the muffled sound of heels on carpet behind him. When he turned, he saw Chapel standing in the middle of the observation deck, a mild look of surprise on her face. The surprise turned into a reflection of her inner conflict as she debated whether she should turn around and run out or speak to him. The sad look in his eyes was what convinced her to stay.
"Christine…" was all McCoy could manage to say. Seeing her face only added to his own internal conflict. He wanted to smile and forget his troubles when he looked at her, but seeing her face only reminded him of the tumultuous pain he kept buried beneath the surface. Rather, the pain he tried to keep buried. Whether he realized it or not, he was currently wearing his heart on his sleeve for all to see.
Chapel's mouth opened as if to say something, but nothing seemed to want to come out. It wasn't that she didn't have anything to say, she just didn't know what she should say. Her first thought was to begin bitching a blue streak about how she deserved better and shouldn't even try to have a relationship with him. Technically, she'd be within her right to do so. Something about the atmosphere made it seem like that was a bad idea though.
Her courage began to wane the longer she looked at him. Even from afar, his eyes swirled with a pain she wasn't sure she could deal with at the time. She had her own thoughts to sort out, which was why she had come to the observation deck in the first place. There was nothing more soothing and thought provoking like staring out at the stars and the space between them that they traveled through.
If she had known she'd bump into the very man she needed to think about, she would have just stayed in her room.
Realizing that Christine neither had anything she was willing to talk about nor the courage to just turn around and leave like she never saw him, McCoy lowered his head and began to walk past her. The instant he passed her, an electric vibe charged the air between them and snapped Chapel out of her internal debate. She turned to face him as he came closer and closer to the walking out the door she herself had just walked through.
She couldn't explain it, but somehow she felt that if she allowed McCoy to walk out that door, the Leonard she had been privileged to learn about would be forever closed off to her. The man she loved would forever and always be nothing more than Doctor McCoy if she allowed him to leave without saying a word. Despite the pounding of her heart, she managed to cry out to McCoy and stop him in his tracks.
"Leonard!"
Two feet away from the door, McCoy stood in place. The natural reaction to being called by his first name would be to turn and face the one who called it. Nothing about his situation seemed natural though, so he remained facing the door. Teeth dug into his lip as he struggled to control his heart rate, which by now was well over 100 beats per minute.
Taking a shaky breath, he turned to face Chapel once more. Chapel was relieved that she kept him there with her, but now that he was still there with her, she didn't know what to say. Then it occurred to her that she was thinking about what to say far too much. What she needed to do was let her heart speak for her instead of her mind.
Eyes moist, she spoke with a submerged sob, "Am I not good enough for you?"
McCoy closed his eyes in an effort to maintain his composure. Opening them again, he stared at Chapel and said, "I don't think I'm good enough for you. You deserve better than me. Someone who isn't as damaged, someone without all the emotional baggage I carry around with me."
"Why won't you just tell me what it is that bothers you?" Chapel pleaded. "If you've got so much to carry, why not share the burden with me?"
"Because it wouldn't be fair of me to ask you to do that."
"What if I'm volunteering to do it?"
"I won't do it!"
McCoy's voice echoed through the empty observation deck. They both froze in place and looked at each other without speaking. Lowering his voice, McCoy continued, "You want to know why I go around scowling so much? Why it's so hard for me to smile and open myself up to other people? Because the last person I opened up to ruined my life to the point where I had to run to space just to get some semblance of peace."
He laughed bitterly. "A man with aviophobia turning to outer space for peace! Have you ever heard something so ridiculous? A man would have to go through hell and back to spend the rest of his life flying on a star ship when the very thought terrifies him. And what do you know? That's exactly what happened to me.
"I told you I was married before I joined Starfleet, but I didn't tell you that I had a child."
As expected, Chapel looked at him with surprise. "Yeah, that's right; grumpy ass McCoy is the father of an eight, almost nine-year-old girl named Joanna. It's a shame that as far as she's concerned she doesn't have a father though. That mother of hers made damn sure that by the time I finished the Academy that little girl had nothing but hatred for me. She filled her up with lies, saying that I abandoned her and that I never loved her, when that couldn't have been further from the truth. When a woman does that to you, how the hell can you expect a man to trust another?"
A heavy sigh escaped his lungs, making his shoulders sag. "That's why I fell in love with Jim…or at least thought I was in love. I dunno…I don't even think what I felt was really love anymore. I think I was just reaching out to someone, anyone that seemed like they gave a damn. It honestly could have been anyone that I would've become attached to in my state.
"After I met him on the shuttle I just couldn't get rid of him. He was like a tick; nothing I could do or say could get him to stay away. It was annoying as hell at first, but after a while, the fact that I could have someone by my side at all times was comforting. Here was someone who was always happy to see me, always eager to start the day with me by his side…it had been a long time since I had someone like that. Even with his flitting from one woman to another, in the end, he always came back to me. I…I liked that feeling.
"I lost that when Spock came along. Sure, Jim still came to me and gushed about their relationship or asked for advice or just joked around, but it wasn't the same. At least it didn't feel the same. He was in love, completely, hopelessly in love. Part of me envied him, and the other part of me envied Spock. I'd give anything to have even just some of what they have, to be that important to someone…"
"You could be," Chapel spoke. Her voice was almost a croak from remaining silent for so long. She dared to close the space between them and stood before McCoy. Her soft hands were placed on his face as she looked deep into his hazel eyes.
With a small smile, she said, "If you gave me the chance to really get to know you and stopped trying to block me out, you could be that important to me." She laughed and said, "Who am I kidding? You already are that important to me. I can't see why I'd let myself go through this insanity if you weren't."
McCoy's voice caught in his throat as he managed to say her name. "Christine…"
"Leonard," she cut him off, "I'm not asking to replace the Captain's place in your heart; I don't think I ever could, even if I wanted to. I'm just asking you to let me love you and find a place in your heart for me too. I want you to quit fighting so hard to block me out and…and just…"
His lips on hers gave her the response she both wanted and needed. Their kiss was filled with many different emotions: want, desire, sadness, hurt, longing, confusion. It was a desperate kiss on both sides as one sought what they were missing in the other. There was an equal amount of emotional give and take from both McCoy and Chapel as they stood all alone in the observation deck, the universe slowly moving around them.
When the kiss slowly ended, they pulled apart just barely enough to look at each other through half-closed eyes. The only sound that could be heard other than the roar of the engines was the sound of their breathing. Chapel's hands had slid down McCoy's face and were now cradling his neck gently. McCoy gave a half-smile and said, "If you're really willing to deal with someone as crotchety and damaged as me, then I guess I can't stop you, can I?"
"You can," Chapel said, returning his smile, "but do you really want to?"
McCoy leaned back in and kissed her tenderly on the lips. With a chuckle, he said, "No, I guess I don't."