Chapter 25 - Room to Lead

Kirk triggered open the door of his dormitory room when it chimed. He'd been considering getting dinner soon. His mind still worked over his session with Loomis and the chime cut into those thoughts, nearly startling him.

"Spock."

"I have brought you dinner this evening," Spock said.

Kirk's spirit grow lighter at Spock's unexpected presence. He held back on what he feared would be an overwhelming smile. "You're done at the Academy already this evening? How was Chanel's class?"

"I have made time for you," Spock said. "And the Advanced Ship Design course was acceptable."

Kirk cleared his things from the table, set out utensils. The scent of Chinese food encouraged his stomach to grumble painfully. Spock put down the container, removed his outer sleeveless robe. He took a seat and sat staring at the table.

"Just acceptable?" Kirk took up chopsticks and ate directly from the popped open box of mountain fern. "Chanel is supposed to be very good at that topic. What'd you cover today?"

"The major design decisions of the most recent revision of the Constitution Class and how effective or not they have turned out to be."

Kirk pursed his lips. "Sounds interesting. Actually."

Spock nodded. He served himself what appeared to be a symbolic dollop of rice and garlic quorn. Kirk considered asking him what was wrong, but held back. Something was obviously wrong and it would likely become clarified on its own.

Kirk slowed his eating, exchanged the box of fern for the stir fried bell peppers which had been cut large and easy to pick up. They were browned but still raw in the middle, crisp and watery, tasting of summer.

"James." The word had burst out of Spock and then he his brow indicated distress. He put his chopsticks aside and sat with his hands in his lap.

Kirk waited.

Spock looked up. "Do you wish to return to service in Starfleet?"

Kirk replied gently, "I do."

Spock looked away and down. "May I ask what you feel you need to accomplish before requesting that a review hearing be scheduled?" Spock tried to say more, exhaled audibly. He started again. "I realize you do not feel ready, but is it possible you underestimate your abilities, that you are being too strict with yourself, and that perhaps you are more than adequate for the position you wish to have?"

Kirk settled back in his chair. "You don't have much experience with line officers onboard a ship. But from what you've seen, what do you think? You think I'm fit enough?"

Spock looked up. "I think you are currently better than average. I think you make the mistake of expecting to be like you were and see only that you are falling short of that, not the positives you can offer."

Kirk felt his eyes getting hot, not out of sadness but out of painful affection for Spock. He rubbed the corner of his left eye.

"I am not-" Spock looked away again, brought his shoulders up and erased the emotion from his face. "I think that is the crux of it. You are facing a difficult trial, but you will do better at it than you imagine. I think your imagination of it is the actual difficulty."

"Spock." Kirk pointed at his own chest. "If I'm willing to trust that you are right about that regarding me? Can I ask you to do the same about yourself?"

Spock frowned with only his forehead. "I suppose it would be hypocritical if I do not at least consider it." He breathed slowly in and out over the course of nearly a minute. "I know myself. I am Vulcan and trained at length to know myself. I cannot be certain that you know yourself to the same degree. So I do not believe the same applies to me."

Kirk kept eating. He didn't want to start an unrelated argument, so he let that go.

Spock said, "What I do know is that you are still a fine human. And you should still be in Starfleet." His voice lowered. "I do not know how to assist you in getting there. I hesitate to ask your advice in how best to help you, as that seems illogical."

Spock knitted his fingers and put them to his mouth. "What can I do for you, James?"

"Nothing. I just need you."

"That is overly poetic and ineffectual in practice."

Kirk's eyes were burning again. "Oh, my darling Vulcan. You're trying so hard."

Spock looked down. He sounded bleak. "I was ordered to."

Kirk held in a chuckle. "Doesn't matter why." He picked up the box of mountain fern again. "I'll schedule a hearing, okay?"

"You will?"

"Yes." Kirk smiled and chewed. "And how can I help you in return?"

Spock's gaze became distant again. "I do not think you can."

Kirk put the box down, set the chopsticks across it so they caught in the flap corners.

"Your father is very worried about you."

"He always has been."

Kirk remembered that worry acutely, along with tantalizing snippets of logic as to why. He puzzled again over Sarek's expectation that Spock was manipulating him. Spock never tried to change anybody. It was actually a weakness in him.

"He wants me to report to him on how you are doing," Kirk said. "I haven't yet. But I should do so today yet."

"What are you going to tell him?"

"That you're the same."

"You may tell him that I am greatly pleased that you agree to a hearing."

Kirk nodded. "I can do that. I'm sorry I agreed to do report to him. I really am on your side."

Spock nodded vaguely.

"He is trying, Spock. He just doesn't know how to reach you. Or is too stubborn to adapt."

"He fears I will become my brother. It has colored everything as long as I remember."

"Beings tend to over-learn when very bad things happen. Though with your father's adherence to logic, I'd like to think he'd be less susceptible." Kirk picked up his food again. "I'll send you the same message I'm sending to him. That okay?"

Spock nodded.

Kirk held out the box he was eating from. "You better have some of this before I eat it all."

They exchanged boxes. Spock ignored his plate and began eating as Kirk did.

Kirk wiped his mouth, tossed the napkin back into his lap. "Would you feel better if we got married?"

Spock's brows rose and stayed there.

Kirk said, "I mean just earth married. Maybe there's not much point in that. I don't know. I thought I'd offer."

Spock stared at Kirk over the flopping lid of a box of Chinese food. "I have never considered it."

"I have to assume your father would agree to it, given his other offer. It would mean you were fully accepted by your clan for them to acknowledge us, officially."

"I do not require my family's sanctioning in any form. But perhaps a formal, legal recognition is something you wish for."

"I don't know. I guess I just no longer have an aversion to the idea."

Spock spoke with great care. "My needs are being met by our current relationship, but I realize it might not be the same for you. I understand that you may require more certainty given your difficulties and if so, I shall consider the idea."

"You don't need to consider it for me, Spock."

"I see." Spock nodded, paused, nodded again. "I am relieved and pleased that you are taking a positive action toward repairing your career."

Kirk wanted to stand up and take Spock in his arms, promise him everything would be all right now. He held back. Partly, he wanted to give Spock space to lead again.

"What if my review panel decides to reject my application?" Kirk said.

"Even then I believe you are better off."

"How so?"

"Because you could then move on."

Kirk again felt overwhelmed by affection for Spock. "True."

"But you need to decide soon. You will lose the opportunity entirely by not taking action."

"You're rightly pointing out that it's already all or nothing."

Kirk put his chopsticks down and stood up to get the open bottle of wine out of the chiller. He poured out two glasses. He pushed one of the glasses to Spock.

"I already have an appointment with Coyran's office," Kirk said. "For the day after tomorrow." He smiled faintly, acted dismissive. "Just with one of the office assistants."

"You didn't say."

Kirk thought again about the meld with Sarek, how it had satisfied some deeply personal lacking that had dogged him since he was young. It made him uneasy to consider explaining any of it to Spock, which he knew was a warning sign, knew he couldn't put off explaining indefinitely.

"I have a lot to arrange yet." Kirk smiled, felt it must look pained. "You are helping me, Spock. Same way I think I help you, by being here for you, no matter what. I can't go with you to the temple. I can't rewrite the past so it won't be so painful for you to be trained. I can tell you the same thing you told me, that you will be better at what you need to do than you think."

Spock closed his eyes and spoke quietly. "Perhaps."

They sat in silence. Kirk had a bad suspicion that Spock was neglecting project meetings, but he did not want to treat Spock as if he wasn't allowed to make those decisions himself. Kirk stood and put away the leftovers.

Kirk said, "If you have studies to do, I'll read up on hearing procedures and catch up more on the Fleet feeds and unofficial chats. I saw a rumor that Vice Admiral Argot is competing for the top spot at Fleet, is trying to paint Coyran as too soft, has started questioning his decisions in public, not just in private. This also implies that it's become generally known that Pritchard is no longer in charge."

They sat companionably across from one another, legs overlapping.

"This is better," Spock said. He sat with his oversized padd propped on the edge of the table. The fading light from the window made his uniform glow, made his cheekbone on that side look sharply cut.

Kirk forgot himself. Got back to the conversation. "What is better?"

"At your dormitory I do not have to worry about Lt. Grange."

Kirk squeezed Spock's knee. "No, you just have to worry about me."

Spock raised his brows. "Would you like to engage in intimacy?"

"Are your studies finished?"

Spock shook his head. "They will never be finished. There is constantly new knowledge being generated in the universe."

Kirk smiled. "Sure. Come here."

Kirk put his hands behind him and turned sideways on the bed. His body was responding eagerly, without reservations, a pure hunger to be filled. Spock put his padd aside and shifted to sit on the bed. Kirk put his hands on Spock's elbows, slid them along his uniform sleeves.

"Why don't you take that off."

Spock unsealed his uniform from the neck, revealing his lean body. Kirk sat up and slid out of his shirt and tossed it aside, lifted his hips and slid out of his pants.

"Are you ready?" Kirk asked.

Spock peered down at him, ran a distracted hand over Kirk's chest. "I do not know yet. But I wish to please you."

"We can wait until you're ready," Kirk said.

"That is unnecessary. What we did last time was quite pleasing."

"I'd like to do that again, but only if you want to." Kirk reached over his head to get the oil out of a drawer. He worried he was being too forward. That worry was the reason he had Spock on top.

"I wish to please you," Spock repeated. "Please allow me to."

Kirk bit his lower lip. He was having trouble deciding what he should be worried about. He was maybe not worried enough about himself. His neglected body urged him on and he was offering repeatedly to wait.

Spock shifted forward and Kirk let him take the lead.

Spock lowered himself to his side on the bed, eyes half closed. Kirk wormed up the bed to be beside him. Spock's breathing was still uneven. He put his arm around Kirk and pulled Kirk's forehead to his chest. He wanted to move up, take Spock in his arms. Kirk's fixed himself in his current position, feeling Spock's breathing return to normal. He dragged a finger down Spock's chest, over his abdomen, lower.

"Are you sated?" Spock asked. "You were not last time."

"Yes, I'm good. Thank you."

Spock's fingers tightened around Kirk's head. "I am also pleased to hear that. I am unable to help you."

"Spock." Kirk raised his head, laid it on Spock's upper arm. He sighed. "I don't want you to feel helpless."

Spock's face grew still. "I feel helpless about many things."

"Don't. Feel helpless about me." Kirk gave in and stretched up to embrace Spock. He shifted into Kirk's arms too neatly, too willingly.

"I shall attempt to not do so."

Kirk kissed him reverently on the temple. "Focus on what you do have control over. Okay?"

Spock said, "I am grateful we have this intimacy. It . . . I do not quite have the words."

Kirk pushed Spock's bangs back. Spock didn't try to explain more.

Kirk said, "It's going to be tough to be apart. But we'll be going through that together."

Spock's brow shifted. "An unexpected way to look at it."

"No. You'll see. It will help."

"Are you certain there is nothing I can do to assist you right now?"

"You can make the most of your time at the Academy."

"That is becoming difficult."

Kirk kissed him again. "I know it is. That's why I want you to do it for me. And for yourself."

Spock closed his eyes and nodded. Kirk studied his features. He was nowhere near growing out of him. If anything, he was growing more into him. Kirk rested his head back and closed his eyes as well.