One month later. Kind of.
"Come on, Cole! We're going to be late!" I call as I hurry to grab my watch. I put it on and half turn to see the bathroom door is still shut. I sigh and walk to my mirror to pull my hair up into a pony tail. "Cole! What in the world are you doing in there?"
We are going to James and Alice's fake wedding today. This is for the family that was rudely not invited to the first wedding.
The door opens and Cole comes out looking a bit offended. He gestures to his shirt while brushing his teeth and giving me glaring stares.
"Hurry up," is all I say to him as I go back to the bedroom and glance at myself in the mirror one last time. I look nice, I believe. Slimming dress to show off the figure I am not going to lose, nice shoes that I can walk in because my ankles will not be bloated, etc. I am clearly trying to think of all the good things about not being pregnant. I did not want to loll around and be depressed for ages, so I cheered up.
And Cole was right. Having a baby right now would have been a nice change, but we aren't ready for one yet.
Along those lines, we also had to buy out of our lease on the house and give it to the new couple who had wanted it. Instead, we bought an even smaller house in the country. It has a nice cottagy feel that I fell in love with while Cole felt claustrophobic.
"I can't…" Cole attempts to say whilst gesturing at the ends of his shirt. "Will you?"
"Huh?" I ask, turning as I fumble to put an earring in. "What do you need?"
"This!" He waves his arm at me and I frown.
"What do you need?"
"I can't…"
"Fucking verbalize, Cole!" I shout.
"I can't think of the damn name, Roe!" he shoots back. "Fucking excuse me!"
We stare at each other for a moment and revel in what happens when passive aggressive behavior builds up in one's body for a while and then suddenly explodes.
We have sort of been fighting for the weeks. We had a big blow out last week when it all came out. It went a little like this:
"What is your problem with me?" Him.
"I want a baby now." Me.
"I don't." Him.
"And there's our problem," I said softly.
"I don't know why you're suddenly obsessed with having a baby."
"Because I fell in love with it."
"It wasn't even there!"
"It doesn't matter," I replied furiously. "I fell in love with the idea of having a baby. I want to have a baby with you now. If not now then sometime in the next coming months. I want you to promise me that we'll start trying for a baby."
Cole stared at me for a second. "Roe, be reasonable."
"I am being reasonable. This is what I want."
"Yeah, now."
"What?"
"This is what you want now. Last month it was no babies, this month it is babies, what is next month going to be like? I don't think you realize just how fickle you are, Roe. You flop from one idea to the other with such ease that I have to fight to keep up with it and I live with you everyday. One day you hate raspberries and then the next they're all you eat. Two months ago you wanted tattoos, this month you don't. What are you going to do in two months when you no longer want a baby and you're pregnant? That is something you can't just push away and pretend you've hated it all along."
"You're mocking me," I said softly. I looked at him with an absolutely defeated feeling in my stomach. "We're talking about something serious and you're mocking me."
"I'm being truthful."
"You never care about my feelings."
"Don't be stupid."
"I'm not stupid," I replied.
"Everything I do is about you. All I try to do in life is make you happy and sometimes I feel as though it isn't enough. I feel like no matter what I do you will find the one thing I did wrong and blow it up so everything I do right is completely forgotten."
"I do not!"
"Yes you do." He shifted uncomfortably. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Well, I do."
"Fine. You want an example? How about the fact that I stepped up when you said you were pregnant. I bought you the house of your dreams even though it isn't anything like I wanted. I made arrangements with you. I rubbed your feet and held your hair as you puked. I comforted you when you had random bouts of terror. I was there for you. But Merlin forbid I feel a bit of relief, right? Merlin forbid I don't feel as bad as you do that we had a false positive pregnancy. In case you've forgotten, it wasn't a miscarriage. You weren't even pregnant to begin with."
"So I can't feel bad about it?"
"You can and you have. You've also been busy blaming me for the way you're feeling. I'm sorry that you want a baby so badly now…but I don't. The plain and simple truth is that I don't want kids now or in the near future. We had plans, Roe. We had things we wanted to do before babies. Do you really want to shelve those to have kids?"
"Yes," I said. "I don't want to wait forever."
"We won't wait forever," Cole said. "All I'm asking from you is five years."
"Five years?" I asked incredulously.
"Yes."
There is a beat of silence.
"I don't know if I can give you that."
Another beat of silence.
"Then what are we going to do?" Cole asks.
"I don't know."
Well, we didn't speak to each other for another day. I finally broke down after he slept on the couch and refused to acknowledge me.
"Are you going to mad at me for wanting a baby?" I had asked.
"Roe…can't you see reason?" he pleaded.
All it took was for me to look at his desperate face for me to cave in slightly. He looked so utterly defeated and deflated that I didn't think I could put him through much more.
"I love you, Roe. I'm not trying to hurt us. I want us to be together forever. That is why I want to wait before we have babies."
And, for the first time, I really heard him the way he wanted to be heard. For the first time I listened to his reasoning and it really resonated with me.
"Alright. I'm sorry." And we kissed and then made protected love and we made up.
And to tell the truth I felt rather…good about this decision. I still want a baby like nothing else in life…but I can wait. For Cole, who means more to me than anyone (even Demi), I can wait.
"Do you need help with your cufflinks?" I ask kindly.
"Yes, please," he replies.
"Come here."
He comes forward and I quickly stick the cufflink through the small hole and spin his sleeve around until it is straight. I then do it to the other one.
"Aren't you going to be hot?" I ask as I gaze at his outfit. "You know this is outside, right?"
Cole looks down critically. "I don't know what else to—"
"Hold on," I reply and walk over to our dressers. "Come here."
Cole comes forward and I pull out three of his shirt and eye them each critically while holding them up to his body. I finally throw two down and hold up the one in my hand.
"This one is much better."
"Are you sure?" he asks, eying it critically.
"Yes," I reply. "You'll look lovely in it."
"But, it's…"
"What?"
"Purple," he replies.
"So?"
He gives me a look. "It's purple," he says again.
"So what?"
"I don't wear purple."
"You have a purple shirt."
"That you bought for me," he reminds me. "Other than that…I don't wear purple."
"It will look lovely with your skin," I say.
"Stop saying lovely," Cole snaps, hesitantly taking the shirt from me. He looks at the one that fell on the floor and picks it up. "This one seems better."
"Fine," I reply. "Here." I take off his cufflinks, watch as he takes off his current shirt and then find myself gazing at his shoulders. I am so weirdly and indefinably obsessed with his shoulders. I love how they look and the small spattering of freckles he has on them. I love his shoulders almost as much as I love his butt.
Before I realize I'm doing it, I kiss his right shoulder and lean my head on it and then wrap him in an embrace. We stay like this for only seconds before I release him and kiss his shoulder again.
"What are you doing?" he asks curiously.
"I can't help myself," I reply in between kisses. I nuzzle his chest and then plant a kiss where my cheek was just seconds before. "I just love you."
Cole's hands come down to rest on my shoulders and I feel his cheek rest on the top of my head.
Merlin, I love this man.
OoOoOo
"What are you drinking?" Elizabeth asks me as she comes to sit next to me. Cole and I arrived at the party a while ago. He ducked into the house just a while ago for the bathroom.
"Butterbeer," I reply.
"Looks good," she responds.
"Yeah? Really good? Good enough to steal and shag behind my back?" I ask, a quirk to my lips. Elizabeth turns sharply, but when she sees that I am kidding her expression softens. I now joke about Michael's infidelity, just for shits and giggles.
"Oh, I need to be liquored up for that type of interaction," she says, adjusting the baby on her shoulder.
I am just thinking longingly of how nice it would be to have a baby in my womb when Violet suddenly comes to attention, focuses all her energy on me, and projectile vomits on me.
There I sat, stunned as can be as vomit dripped down my face and onto my lap. I had closed my eyes and mouth and I dare not open either one of them.
"Oh my goodness, Roe!" Elizabeth cries. "Don't move. Hold on!"
I hear the baby start to cry as I desperately wipe the foulness from my face. I expect Elizabeth to, I don't know, come back and help me wipe some of her daughter's gunk off of my face. All I hear from her is, "Oh, no, Violet, don't cry!"
I screech through a closed mouth.
"Okay, Roe! Hold on."
A warm cloth wipes away all of the vomit and when I open my eyes it is to see Elizabeth watching me carefully. Violet is now dozing in her lap as though nothing has happened, as though I have not just been scarred for life!
"Are you alright?" she asks.
"No, I am not alright!" I wail. "I have partly digested baby food in my hair! Aren't you going to do something?"
"Like what?" Elizabeth snaps. "Oh, yes, of course." She glances down at Violet. "Bad baby. Go to your room and don't come out until you can control your vomiting." She looks back up at me. "I think I'm much too hard on her."
I realize I can do one of two things. I can let it slide or I can start yelling at her for something I know she can not control. It is then that I am forcibly reminded of all the other times that we've fought.
Some fights we had were rather minor. We would shout at each other and leave it at that, but there were some rare fights which got rather violent.
In fact, one fight comes to mind. It happened when I was maybe thirteen. It was during the summer and I remember that Mum and Dad and James were home with us. We were fighting over something and the next thing I knew, she had pushed me. I pushed her back and then she pushed me again and I stumbled onto the coffee table. Then she started shouting and Mum and Dad and James came running into the room.
"What are you two doing?" Mum had shouted angrily.
"Shh!" James had snapped at her. He rushed forward and pushed the coffee table out from the middle of us. "Let's just see where this goes, eh?" He turned to me. "Aim for her bony knees, Roe!"
Well, when I leaped into the air so did Elizabeth. Dad caught us both, but our heads knocked together and Elizabeth's foot accidentally hit James in the face. The three of us started screaming in pain as Mum cried out in utter exhaustion and Dad completely freaked out. It was one of the only times he got really angry at us.
"Alright, everyone just shut the hell up!" he bellowed. He moved over to the couch and let Elizabeth roll out of his grip while still holding tight onto me. "Sit," he barked at me and sat me in a chair. "You two, stop fighting," he snapped, pointing at me and Elizabeth. "You," he snapped, pointing at James, "stop encouraging them. And you," he turned towards Mum, "come with me to get something to drink. Something strong."
I think of this now as Elizabeth gives me a slightly filthy look as though I would dare suggest she do something about the vomiting her daughter did just seconds previously.
"It's fine," I reply, running my hand through my hair and feeling wet vomit in it. "I'm just going to go wash my face."
I place my drink on the table and stand shakily. A drip of vomit rolls down my cheek and I fight the urge to grimace as I watch Elizabeth's critical face. I head into the house and then suddenly rush up the stairs and burst into the bathroom without knocking.
"Roe!"
"Oh, I am so—" I break off when I see it's Cole. "Oh, it's you." I shut the door over and head towards the sink and turn it on.
"Get out!" he snaps.
"The baby vomited on me!" I reply, scrubbing into my hair.
"I'm trying to pee!"
"Then pee," I reply indifferently.
"I can't with you standing there."
"I'm not listening," I say, soaping up my hands. "And I couldn't hear you if I was."
"You have boundary issues," he snaps.
"You have boundary issues," I retort. "It isn't as though I've never met you before. You're my husband! If you can't pee in front of me who can you pee in front of?"
"I can't pee in front of anyone!"
"In the time that you've taken to cry about this you could have peed already!"
"You are so…" he trails off as I look away and continue to wash my face. A second later I hear him shift and then zip up his pants. The toilet flushes and then he hovers in back of me. I finish and turn off the faucet and then wipe my hands, face and hair.
We are at the door, with me rushing Cole out so we don't miss cake, when I say, "You aren't going to wash your hands?"
"You were just…" Cole snarls and then goes back to wash them.
"You don't wash your hands?"
"I do wash my hands," he snaps, "but you're pushing me out the door!"
"We can't miss cake!" I snap.
"God forbid you miss a meal," Cole snaps.
"You're being rude."
"You're being annoying!"
"Do you see this?" I cry, gesturing at my wet hair. "That was covered in baby vomit!"
"See why we shouldn't have babies?" Cole asks sarcastically.
"Yes, I do, actually," I say.
He gives me a weird look as we make our way back to the party that is just about to get cake. After I've had my third piece and Cole gives me a look as I reach for a fourth, everyone breaks off for the final dance.
It is then that Mum says, "Come say goodbye to your brother. He wants to leave." I turn and see that Mum has the baby in her hands.
"Alright," I stand.
"Oh, darling, what are you and Cole doing tomorrow?" Mum asks.
"I don't think anything. Why do you ask?"
"Would you do me and your father a giant favor?"
"Um…yes, sure," I say. There really is no polite way of saying no.
"Would you watch Violet for us?"
"What! Why? Where are her parents going to be?"
"Both Michael and Elizabeth have meetings in the morning. And your father has to be in work early and I promised your grandmother I would take her into London."
"Take the baby with you," I say.
"Roe, I can't take the baby out into the city!"
"She isn't a diamond ring that's going to get stolen, Mum."
"Listen," Mum leans in. "I promised Elizabeth before I knew that something was going to come up."
"What came up? Grandma would love to take Violet with you. Look, she's right over there, ask her—"
"Your father and I are going to be taking a line dancing class tomorrow," Mum snaps. "That is why I need you to take the baby."
I gape at her in horror. "What?"
She shifts Violet. "As you know our twenty-second anniversary is coming up in four days—" I know that now. I kind of forgot—" and, well, Dad owed me. It's perfect because everyone will think Dad's at work and I'm in London."
"Why didn't you tell this to Elizabeth?"
"Because it isn't a very good or respectable excuse!"
"Well, Cole and I were going to be doing the same thing tomorrow."
Mum glowers at me and then fixes her attention down at Cole's head.
"Cole, dear," Mum says. Cole glances up.
"What are you doing?" I breathe. "Don't you dare—"
"Would you and Roe be a dear and watch your niece tomorrow? I promised Elizabeth, but I didn't realize that Harry was going into meetings all day tomorrow or that I was taking my mother to an appointment in London."
I am about to say that we can't, when Cole blurts out, "That would be lovely."
I whirl around in surprise. "It would?" I ask.
"Yes. Sure." He smiles at my mother and then at the baby.
"Great!" She beams at him. "Well, why don't you take her while we say goodbye to James?"
"Oh, er…" Cole awkwardly accepts Violet as though she were a porcelain bomb. She seems absolutely tiny compared to him. She nearly fits completely in his two hands put together.
"Come now, Roe." Mum takes my arm and leads me down the yard. "You don't know how much this means to me, Roe. Your father and I do appreciate this—"
"Stop saying that!" I say. "Let's just pretend this isn't happening."
"Right. Okay. Oh, and don't tell Elizabeth."
"Why?"
"Well…dear, erm…She didn't think you were the best babysitter."
"She what?" I cry, stopping. "Why not?"
"I don't know," Mum replies, pulling me forward. "Something about vomit? Does that make any sense?"
"No."
We get to the front of the house, near the front of the tent where everyone's dancing and I see James and Alice laughing with Elizabeth and Michael. As James sees me coming he breaks away from them and comes to stand in front of me and Mum.
"Before I go let's just have a dance together," James says. He grabs my hand and leads me out onto the dance floor, despite my protests.
"I'm really not in the mood James," I reply a bit sulkily.
"Well, I wanted to say something to you." He twirls me around and we awkwardly bump into one another again. "I want to thank you."
"For what?" I ask.
"For your advice."
"What advice?"
"Your Alice advice," he says, a quirk to his lips. "I listened to what you said and everything worked out just the way you said it would." He smiles at me. "So, thank you."
"Oh," is all I say.
"And you were also right."
"Right?"
"When you love someone you don't let anything get in the way of that. You put aside all your apprehensions and all you're selfishness because you know it's worth it in the end." He turns to look at Alice who is holding her stomach and talking with her mother. "And believe me, it was worth it. I wouldn't change anything. It's all perfect now." He gives me another look. "Because of you."
"James…I can't take credit—"
"You're the only one I ever talked to about it." He smiles. "I trusted your advice and look where I ended up. Thank you. Cole's pretty lucky to have you."
"James?" Alice is suddenly at his side and touches his shoulder gently. "We should go. We want to be there by midnight or then we'll miss an entire—"
"I'm coming." He steps back from me, pauses, then gives me a giant hug. I accept it without protest and then one from Alice. And then the two of them leave on their second honeymoon.
I convince Cole to leave shortly after that. Once the bride and groom were gone there wasn't much else to do except sit and stare at the other couples dancing. The hardest thing I had to do was pull Cole away from the baby. He kept rocking her back and forth until I got dizzy just looking at him.
"Cole, we should probably get going," I say. "We'll have a pretty long day tomorrow."
"Okay," he says, not moving.
"Cole."
"Uh-huh."
"Darling," I place a hand on his shoulder and he turns to look at me. "We'll have all day tomorrow."
"Right." He carefully adjusts her and stands. "Where's Elizabeth?"
We find my darling older sister and hand her the baby.
"Goodbye," I reply to both Elizabeth and Michael. I kiss Elizabeth, but both Cole, Michael and I keep our respectful distances. It is more for Cole's sake than my sake. I have finally come to peace with Michael. Cole, though, will never come to peace with Michael.
OoOoOo
The next morning comes much too abruptly. It seemed only seconds previous to being woken up that Cole I were getting into bed and then laying awake for a bit to talk before falling fast asleep.
But, when I do wake up in the morning, it is to my mother hovering over our bed, baby in hand.
"Roe, dear, I don't mean to barge in—"
"Mum!" I hiss, leaping from bed. "What are you doing here?" I turn back to check that Cole is properly covered.
"I'm dropping Violet off," Mum replies. "And before you even say it, I know I shouldn't have just walked in, but you weren't answering when I flooed or when I was knocking!"
"It's eight in the morning, Mum," I say.
"I know, dear," she replies. "And I'm sorry, but…"
"It's alright," I reply. "Let me have Violet."
"And, again, thank you, Roe."
"Mum, it's alright."
She kisses my head.
I didn't tell my parents or siblings that we thought were pregnant. We honestly didn't have much time before we found out we weren't.
"Have a good day. If you need us here is the card to the dance hall. We should be back home around three."
"Did you tell Dad that I knew you guys were going dancing?" I ask curiously.
"No. And don't you dare ever mention this."
"This wasn't his idea, I take it?"
"No. This was my present to me from him, though it was from me. He just paid for it and signed the card."
"But, Mum…line dancing? Really?"
"Well, it's all types of dancing, really."
"Like what?"
"I don't know, just all types," Mum snaps.
"I can't believe Dad agreed to this."
"Yes, well, when you love someone it doesn't matter. This is no different than the time I went camping with him in those awful mountains for a weekend! No magic, we didn't even bring our wands!" She looks furious just thinking about it. "Anyways," she brightens and kisses me and then the baby. "Goodbye, love. Here's her bag, Roe. And the instructions are in there for feeding."
"Thanks. Have fun, Mum."
"I will."
"Say bye, Violet," I say, though she is dozing on my chest.
OoOoOo
The rest of the day goes by in relative calm. Violet does cry quite a bit and gave me one hell of a headache, but that was to be expected. The only thing of mention would probably have to be what happened when it was time for Violet's feeding.
"Alright…" I said to myself as Cole walked Violet around the small interior as she cooed and sometimes made fussy noises. "Where are the bottles?"
There were no bottles. Instead what Elizabeth had left for my mother to feed Violet with, what I was supposed to feed Violet with, was a pair of boobs. It looked like they were attached to a bra, only instead of cups there were boobs. They had nipples and everything.
"Hey, Cole," I call. "Do you want to feed Violet?"
"Sure," he replies.
"Promise?" I ask.
"Yup."
"Here you go." I walk over to him.
"Where's the bottle?"
"Right here." I hold up the boobs.
"What are those?"
"Fake boobs that hold milk," I say. I smirk at them. "Here you go."
"Roe…You can't expect me to—"
"Oh, but I do," I say, smirking still. "Put them on."
"Roe!"
"Don't be embarrassed, Cole!"
"Then you do it," he retorts.
"You promised."
We have a no-blink stand-off for a moment before he snatches the boobs, hands the baby over to me and stares at the bra with boobies.
"This is absolutely…" he hisses to himself as he shoves his arms through the holes. "It doesn't fit properly," he complains.
"Wait," I say. I place Violet in her cradle and walk around Cole to hook the bra links. I then walk around to the front of him. I immediately burst into uncontrollable giggles. "Oh, Cole!" I cry.
"Stop it. Just…hand me the baby."
"Wait." I dash into the kitchen and root around in the cabinets and drawers. I finally find what I'm looking for and rush back to him. "Smile." He glances up in horror just as I snap the perfect picture of him. The Polaroid quickly develops as Cole gives me a disbelieving glare.
"Don't you dare show that to anyone."
"Oh, I won't," I say, smirking. "Every once in a while when you're being cross with me I'll just take this out and it will make me feel so much better."
"You know, if you had to wear a…a…a fake penis, or something, I wouldn't make fun of you!"
"A fake penis?" I repeat. "Well, no you wouldn't make fun of me. That would just be a reflection on you."
"How so?"
"It just means you like it up the butt," I say.
"Okay, okay." Cole seems visibly disturbed by this conversation. "This is not a conversation we should even be having, let alone anywhere near the baby. Poor thing is going to be scarred." He glares at me.
"You know, it's hard to feel bad or nervous when you're mad at me when you've got these big giant boobs hanging from your chest."
"I could say the same thing," Cole retorts and picks up Violet to go sit on the couch as I say, "Aw, you think my boobs are huge?"
But, as Cole sits there and nurses Violet, I start to feel differently. Though it still looks absolutely hilarious and a bit odd, I find my heart giving an unknown tug. There is a coil in the pit of my stomach that springs to attention at the sight of him like this. The fact that he would do anything for a baby, let alone someone else's baby—his arch nemesis's baby, says something about the deep down inside of Cole, doesn't it? Isn't this entire situation telling me that I have found quite possibly the best man I will ever meet?
When Cole finishes he places her back in the cradle and immediately rips off the boobs and hands them to me.
"We never speak of this," he says and looks down in the cradle. I quickly agree and watch Cole, who is in turn watching Violet.
"What is she doing?" I ask him, hovering over the cradle.
"Sleeping," he replies.
"Good," I say softly, tugging his arm. "Let's leave her alone. I don't want to wake her again."
Cole hesitates before leaving the side of the cradle to follow me into our bedroom area. I plop down on the bed and hold my pounding head in my hands.
"You were right," I say.
"Huh?" Cole asks.
"We aren't ready for a baby," I reply. "After just one day with Violet I don't think I'll be wanting children in the near future." I sigh happily thinking of all the quiet nights we'll be having.
Cole comes to sit next to where I'm laying. I then begin to elaborate on all the things Elizabeth and Michael will have to do with a baby that we won't.
"She'll have to breastfeed," I say. "I saw her doing it the other day and it looked like it really hurt her. Oh, and they are up almost every single night until at least four or five in the morning just waiting for Violet to fall asleep, only to be woken an hour later."
I go on for another fifteen minutes before I slowly realize that Cole has stayed silent this entire time. I turn towards him and I see that he's staring straight ahead at the cradle in the other room. I slowly sit up.
"What's that face?" I ask.
"Huh?" He suddenly snaps to attention. "I'm sorry. What?"
"What is that look on your face?" I ask.
"What look?"
"The look you get whenever I mention a baby," I snap.
"I don't know what you—"
"Violet. See! That look!"
"I can't see my face, Roe! I have no idea what you think I look like."
"Like you want something," I snap, getting onto my knees and placing a hand on my hip. I raise an eyebrow at him. "I thought you weren't ready for babies. I thought you wanted to wait for five years. I thought you had a five year plan before babies."
"I don't want babies and I still have a plan…" he trails off and I see his eyes dart back to the cradle. "It's just…"
"What?" I ask.
"I don't know now!" he says.
We stare at each other in silence again.
I am about to say something to him when my parents pop in, without knocking, and scare the living crap out of Cole and I.
"How was everything?" Mum asks.
"Fine." I hurry to the baby and hand her to my mother. "Oh, and Mum…Why don't you let Dad do the feeding tonight before Elizabeth picks Violet up."
"Why?"
"Trust me."
As soon as Mum and Dad leave I round on Cole to see him hesitantly leaning on the pole just before he would step into the living room.
"Okay, talk to me," I say softly and take his arm and lead him back towards the bed. He sinks down onto it first and I stand in front of him.
"Are we right to wait?" he asks. "I know it might seem like—"
"Do you want a baby now?" I interrupt.
"I don't know." Cole sighs. "I think so. I just…I don't know."
"Be sure."
A fluttery, nervous feeling was swirling around in my stomach. I had no idea if I was excited or nervous or what.
"I think maybe now I do want a baby."
"Maybe?"
Cole is silent and I don't press him to speak. I know he is thinking harder than he's ever thought before.
"I think maybe we should try for a baby. I've been thinking about it for a while. Right after our fight I felt…weird. As though I had spoken wrong, too quick, maybe."
"I understand. We don't have to jump into anything. I want a baby, Cole, but I want you more."
"Let's try."
"So…we're trying?" I ask.
"I guess," Cole says.
"Okay then." I sit back into the pillows and begin to chew on my thumb nail. After a second I feel Cole's gaze on me. "Right now?" I ask after I turned to see his hopeful expression.
"You don't want to right now?" he says.
"I mean…" I struggle for the words. "I don't know now!"
"Now you don't know?" he snaps.
"I don't know!"
"Well, I don't know either!" he replies.
"Great! So neither of us knows and we have a really big decision to make!"
"Let's try once," Cole says. "Just once, no pressure. It hardly ever happens on the first try."
I think of this. It seems reasonable. I think of the time Mum told me it took her and Dad five months to conceive me. Maybe in five months time the two of us will have a definite answer.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay."
"Okay."
We sit in silence. It is a bit tense.
"You should probably kiss me," I say to him.
"Right." He bends over to kiss me, but it isn't really romantic. It feels a bit forced.
"This isn't right."
"No, no it isn't," Cole says with a sigh. "I think we're putting way too much pressure on this."
"Yes. I think so, too."
"Okay, how about this? We just shag first, with protection and then when we do it for the second time we don't have any protection."
"What if we get too tired after the first time?"
"When do we ever?"
"What if I try out something new tonight and it makes you sleepy?"
"When have you ever done that?"
"Maybe I was going to do it tonight."
"Wouldn't you know if you were going to do something?"
"Maybe I just decided."
"Why would you do that if we're trying to have a baby?"
"Because you know how I get," I reply.
"This is so stupid," Cole informs me. "Fine. We don't try tonight."
"Okay."
There is silence.
"Foreplay!" I say suddenly.
"What about it?" Cole asks.
"We'll do foreplay. You go down on me, I go down on you."
"Okay, but last time I checked that doesn't make a baby. If it does we'd have about a million kids." Cole has a bit of an oral fixation.
"But it'll get us in the mood."
"True."
"And then from there we can see where it leads us. There won't be any pressure once we've had our first go."
"Who goes first?"
"You," I reply.
"Why me?"
"Why not you?" I snap.
"Okay, okay," Cole says.
We undress and then I begin to kiss Cole as gently and kindly as I can despite the nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps bugging me about what we're supposed to do. It is the same voice that nagged me the entire time I lost my virginity and made me constantly lose my concentration.
I turn Cole's head to the side and, judging by the tighter grip on my hips, I know he can tell exactly where I'm about to start kissing. I'm sure I already mentioned this spot, but I'm sure I didn't really say how sensitive it was. In fact, one time after we had a rather nasty fight that made us late for a lunch date with Demi and Frank, I used it against him.
Demi and Frank were talking to us, as they could tell we were angry with each other and were trying to fill the silences, when Demi said something about my hair and Cole made a rather awful comment (he apologized for it later). I turned to him angrily, zoned in on that little spot and instantly attacked it with my lips, all the while Demi and Frank took little or no notice of this. Cole, however, instantly tensed up and tried to push me off of him, but, like a psychopath, I managed to keep my lips onto his neck until I did the unthinkable.
I stopped kissing there after a second, but I could tell I had done just enough damage…for the time being. I waited until Demi and Frank got up from the table to go pay the bill before I started kissing the same spot on Cole's neck.
He said, "Roe, I mean it. Sto—" I could hear the strain in his voice and the almost desperation lingering somewhere in the back of his tone, and I took no notice of it. I continued kissing his neck and then, just before Demi and Frank came back, I placed my hand in his lap and it was all over. He groaned and gripped onto my hand tightly and I knew I had done wrong. It was a while before he forgave me.
So I kiss there for a while before making my way further south. The entire time I just try to think, not of a baby, or of baby vomit, but of how happy it could potentially make us. And then, because I wasn't really paying attention to Cole, I snap back to attention on that.
I don't mind doing this to Cole because he is always so appreciative and thankful that he never makes me feel as though I have to do this. And I love the way he looks at me before, during and after, and the noises he makes. They drive me absolutely wild.
When it is finally my turn I am, as always, nearly dizzy with excitement. This used to be the most dreaded part of sex for me, but slowly became my second favorite thing about it.
As Cole finally settles in between my thighs and my head falls back, preparing for what is about to come, I think back to the first time he ever did this to me. He admitted he had never done it before shortly before he actually did it. That made me feel slightly better. At least he would never know if something weird happened while he was down there. He would think it was the norm.
I had finally worked up the courage to let him do it. The first time he tried had been rather embarrassing. We were kissing and fooling around and his kisses had gotten lower and lower and when I finally realized just what he was intending on doing, I completely freaked.
"Cole!" I had cried, but I don't think he heard my horrified tone. So I kicked him in the face. I didn't realize I could have broken something on his face, but it wouldn't have mattered either way. The only thing I cared about was keeping his face away from where I never wanted him to see.
After that we were both too embarrassed for him to try that again. It wasn't until he finally worked up enough courage to try and enough patience to keep me calm while he did it, that he actually did it.
The second time he tried to do it was the first time it actually happened for me. I don't know if the thought ever crossed Michael's head, but it certainly had crossed through my mind at least once or twice. I never pictured a specific head down there, just what it would feel like.
"Don't kick me," Cole had said as he finally got my knickers off and awkwardly placed them down next to me. I didn't answer, frankly, because I wasn't listening. My eyes were clenched shut in embarrassment and my head was tilted towards the ceiling. A part of me couldn't believe I had actually allowed it to get this far. We had done so many things together and were officially in love and dating and whatnot, but I could not get over the embarrassment of being in this position. I wanted to either cover up or have Cole close his eyes the entire time.
"Are you okay?" he had asked.
"Mmhmm," I hummed, not opening my eyes.
"Okay. Here it goes." I did open my eyes when I heard the nervous tinge in his voice.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"Me? Oh, yeah. I'm fine." He swallowed. "I've never done this before."
"What?" I slammed my thighs closed. "You've…never…"
"Is that a problem?"
"No," I said, feeling better. "Nope." I sighed. "This isn't going to hurt, is it?"
"Um…no," Cole replied.
"Okay."
I could tell he was just as nervous about this as I was. He pulled my thighs apart and I felt the blush return to my cheeks. I let out a shaky breath when he actually started.
I don't know what I expected: fireworks, alarms, bells, sirens to go off…something. At first I felt nothing. It was the weirdest feeling in the entire world.
There I was, flat on my back, staring up at my ceiling as Cole fumbled around. It was a rather awkward situation.
When I didn't make any noises Cole asked, "Am I doing alright? How does it feel?"
I thought of what I would have wanted to hear when I did the same thing to Cole and I replied, "Bloody fantastic." I didn't mention that it was bloody fucking weird and I would probably pass next time he offered. Well, I would have if he didn't happen to accidentally brush against a certain spot.
I was just about to fake an orgasm when he accidentally brushed against that tiny, fantastic little nerve I have. I let out a shout and my head shot up to stare down at him. He looked up at me in excitement before lowering his head back to that spot again.
Soon it went from being the weirdest, most awkward thing I had ever done, to being the most fantastic. I soon no longer cared that I was flailing around or grunting or swearing or just making weird sounds. It didn't matter if I felt foolish because it felt too good to care.
After that little incident I was still a bit too embarrassed to ask for him to do that again, but luckily he seemed to want to do it enough that I never had to ask.
Now, in between sighs and little moans I turn my head to the side and happen to glance over at the clock. I frown as I see the time and try, despite other thoughts clouding my mind, to think of when we started this. I know I couldn't have been doing him longer than ten minutes.
I pick up my head to glance down at his head before I drop my head again. Is it rude to interrupt him when he's concentrating?
If that clock is correct and my memory is correct, then he's been down there for about twenty minutes. Normally, I wouldn't complain, but tonight I think he may be stalling.
I lick my lips and try to speak. Generally and usually when he does this I just lay or sit or, in rare cases, stand completely still and nearly lifeless.
"Cole," I say. He either doesn't hear me or thinks that I'm simply saying his name, so I say it again. "Cole." Again there is nothing. "Cole!"
My louder tone is what he seems to take as encouragement for he continues a bit faster and I am momentarily paralyzed. I fall back against the pillows before remembering that I was going to scold him. Of all nights to go so slowly and so deliberately…
I lose my concentration again and it takes another minute before I get enough strength to tug on his hair. But yet again, he doesn't think this is anything but encouragement and continues on.
"Cole!" I snap and give his hair and almighty yank.
"Ouch!" he cries, holding onto the spot I had just pulled. "Was I hurting you?"
"No, it isn't that," I say.
"Oh…er, did you finish already?"
"Already?" I snap. "You've been down there for at least twenty minutes. You were stalling!"
"Oh for the love of Merlin, I was not," he replies. "Excuse me for trying to make it last to give you to most pleasure poss—Alright, a bit." He cracks under my look. "I've just been thinking."
"Just now?"
"Yes."
"Congratulations on the weirdest use of multi-tasking," I snap.
"We'd be okay, wouldn't we?"
I sit up, pulling myself out from under his arms. As comfortable as I am with him now, it isn't the ideal position to be having important conversations. Plus, I'd always think that we made our final decision to have our first child with my vagina shoved in his face.
"I think we would be okay," I reply. "I think if I love you as much as I love you and I love the baby as much as people say I'd love the baby, then…I think we'd be fine." I look at him. "Unless you don't think we'd be fine."
"If you think we'll be fine then I think we'll be fine," he replies.
We simply stare at each other for a second before he pulls on my legs and drags me down to the edge of the bed where he was kneeling.
"If you'll excuse me, I was right in the middle of something," he says, kissing at my naval.
"Right, right. By all means con—" I break off with a breathy sigh and close my eyes. This time he doesn't seem to stall and instantly zones in on the one place that has me suddenly twisting and shouting and basically going absolutely batty whilst he pins down my hips with his hands.
As soon as it is over and as soon as I realize that I've come out of my semi-coma, I clench firmly onto his shoulders, his lovely, lovely shoulders and pull him up to lay on top of me. The glorious feeling of his weight always comforts me. Even when I'm angry at him all I want to do all the time is have him lay on top of me.
"Okay, are you ready?" I ask breathlessly.
There is a pause and then, "Yes."
And so, we purposely shagged without protection for the first time. It didn't feel much different and it did take a bit longer than it usually did, which I think was due to both of us knowing this could potentially make a baby.
But when it was over, I looked at Cole and I felt so much undeniable love for him that I knew it really didn't matter, it couldn't matter. Baby or no baby, I had him and he was really all I needed.
"I love you," I say to him.
"And I love you."
"If we decide not to have babies…" I begin cautiously. He picks up his head to look at me curiously. "I just want you to know that I'll still be happy with you."
"Thank you," he says.
"Oh, no, thank you," I reply, sliding to lay next to him. "I'm absolutely exhausted."
"Well, maybe we should talk about this, I mean—"
"Shh," I whisper, placing a finger over his lips as my eyes droop shut. "No speaky," I mumble sleepily. "Just…"
OoOoOo
Cole and I work up the courage to make love without protection four times that month. By the beginning of August we were doing it at least twice a week. And then, one blissful day, I woke up, made breakfast for both Cole and I, and promptly ran into the bathroom to puke.
A/N I am trying to find the delicate balance where Roe/Cole married life can still seem rather real and life-like, but also to remain funny. I hope I'm not doing a shitty job.