Title: Sins of a Father
Chapter 25 – A Brand New Day (Epilogue)
A/N 1: Wow can't believe this story lasted this long and you all liked it this much but it's all thanks to you my dear readers for your support and amazing reviews that kept Alice writing for you. I so appreciated your time to read and leave your feedback (some I even used in the story) so thanks so much.
A/N 2: A SPECIAL THANK YOU TO THE FOLLOWING FOR THEIR REGULAR REVIEWS (sorry I only had time to go back a few chaps) : StellaBonaseraTaylor; blackrose538; Iris; Runner043; KittykatMC; Allison; Wolfeylady; jerseybelle; Kayleigh; redrose7856; iheartlife; beautifulfghtr; gymkidz2000; Justicerocks; accounting professional; PrettyReckless09; fozrulz/ conche; rocksmacked; Superjendean; MarkandLexiefan; Abby; montogma; JCassie241 and others. To those that stopped after the first or second chapter and didn't review after that, then I am sorry you didn't come back (hmm guess they'll never see this lol)
'You'll have to go through a few physical tests and spend at least an hour at the gun range and we'll need a doctor to clear you medically…' his father's voice still rings clear in his mind as he sits in the small spare bed in his father's home for probably the last night for at least some time.
As soon as Jamie knew he could remember everything it didn't take long before the family jumped on the memory band wagon, pressing him for the right answers from everything from family gathering's to work related details. His father and Danny of course spent the most time making sure he actually knew all the ins and outs of his current job; his father and sister worked on the family stuff. But despite the fact that by the end of the night his head actually hurt more than in the past few days, he was fully back and happy about that.
The night ahead still plagued him as he knows as soon as he closes his eyes he'll see Don's haunting face looking at him with an evil smile, trying to control his thoughts and actions; wanting to prove that his hold on the youngest Regan was still very much in tact. To that Jamie would offer many whispered 'go to hell's' and then force his mind to feed on happy memories which successfully pushes the bad thoughts far away.
His thoughts drift to Joe, Sonny Malvesky, the whole Blue Templar fiasco, his sisters divorce, Sydney leaving him, offering to babysit his two nephews, a party he was still going to two weeks from now and of course tense duty calls with his partner Renzulli.
"I'm back," Jamie states triumphantly as he lies awake in the small darkened room. He was tired, his whole body and mind were drenched in emotional fatigue but he was too excited about the next day. He would see the doctor first thing in the morning and was sure he'd get his walking papers. Then it would be off to the shoot range, the precinct and then to spend time in the gym getting himself back into physical shape. His stomach was a bit tight but he was so close to reclaiming his old life, he didn't care about the anxiety as he knows Don no longer has a hold on him and now it was just a matter of process and formality.
Jamie closes his eyes and as suspected a few hours later, his mind wants to show Don tying him up and laughing as he sticks a needle full of drugs into his neck and he blacks out. But once again he's able to force a happy memory, this time of him and Danny's family doing some ice skating the year before and the ugliness starts to fade. So that the next morning he wakes a bit more rested than the previous nights; the future was looking better indeed.
"Morning sunshine," Henry greets his youngest grandchild with a happy smile. "I take it you slept better?"
"Much thank you," Jamie answers with a smile. "Go ahead ask me anything," he teases his grandfather.
"Oh no…I don't want to let the genius out of the box," Henry retorts before he pulls Jamie into his grasp for a warm hug. "Welcome back kiddo," he states affectionately.
"Think I'll be cleared for duty today?"
"Don't see why not," Frank pipes up as he makes himself known. "Good morning."
"Morning dad," Jamie greets his father also with a warm hug. "And can I um…stay at my place tonight? Like on my own?"
"You don't have to ask. But we will miss having you here," Frank answers in truth. "What time are you going to see Dr. Tremblay?"
"Nine," Jamie responds as he pours himself a cup of black coffee. "And then on to target practice," he grins.
"Just go easy on yourself okay," Frank kindly reminds.
"Meaning?" Jamie wonders.
"Meaning, if you feel tired or not ready to be back on the beat just yet you say so. Jamie you survived hell for the past few weeks. No one is going to think less of you or think you're weak because you need more time," Frank explains.
"I'll be okay. I'm tired of sitting at home and doing nothing," he lightly moans sliding into a nearby chair.
"Nothing?" Henry questions, making Jamie slightly smirk.
"Resting after a traumatic ordeal might seem like nothing, but its not putting yourself and others at risk prematurely," Frank tries to reason.
"I'll be okay," Jamie insists.
"See how today goes."
After that the breakfast was spent talking about the family dinner for Sunday and what other things the three of them would be doing on the upcoming weekend; it was light, upbeat and actually upbuilding. Don had failed in keeping Jamie under his thumb even in death. For each day that would now pass, would cement the loving bond between Frank and his sons and Jamie and his siblings, especially Danny who had showed so much of himself to Jamie in the past few weeks.
Frank notices Jamie tuning out after breakfast and reaches over, brushing his hand with his and forcing his youngest's warm blue eyes to lock with his.
"Talk to me Jamie."
"Before it was um…I mean the past few days it was nightmares about what Don had done but um…but maybe I'm not really ready for today," Jamie quickly pushes himself up from the table and hurries out of the room, prompting Frank and Henry to exchange worried glances before Frank gets up and goes after Jamie.
Frank peers around the corner and sees Jamie sitting on the bed holding the brass number '12' pin in his hand.
"I don't know if I can do this."
"You sounded so sure an hour ago. What happened?"
"My thoughts, they um…now they focus on the reason. I see myself after the accident…in that small room…Don um…saying I was Sam…how can I do my job when my mind wants to understand why he didn't want to let me go…told me all those lies."
"You can't reason on that but you know I can recommend…"
"I don't need therapy," Jamie moans as he tosses his hands up in the air. "Maybe I'm okay."
"You can tell yourself you're fine and that you'll just push past this and everything will be fine, but take it from me son, you won't. After your mother…after Joe…I had to do my job, help my family and keep myself sane. Talking to a confidential, non-judgmental third party isn't anything to be ashamed of; it's a sign of strength."
"I just want to know why," Jamie sighs sadly as he slumps down onto the bed, Frank sitting down beside him and wrapping his arm around his shoulder.
"Yeah…me to," Frank huffs. "But I doubt anything he would tell you right now would make you feel better. So now you just have to find a way to deal with what you can't control so that you can regain control."
"Huh?" Jamie looks over at Frank who just smiles.
"If there comes a time and there will when you might have a relapse or a momentary setback, don't get mad or angry at yourself. Just pull yourself from the task at hand and take a moment; those with you, your family or your partner will understand. Trust me Jamie we want you to get past this and you will."
"Will I ever forget?"
Frank looks at his son, wishing more than anything that he could say yes, maybe even lie to his son to take away his mental anguish and promise him a future free of any lingering nightmares. But lying was never his protocol and never encouraged that with anyone under his command much less his family. It would be hard, but he couldn't lie.
"Jamie I wish I could say yes. But I can't because there will be times…when someone will say something, maybe a date or even a moment of weakness and a nightmare reappears and you'll experience a setback. But at least you now have the knowledge and that will make sure you move past those memories at that moment and come out stronger for it. What's that proverb Danny always likes to quote?"
"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger," Jamie looks down at his folded hands and smiles.
"That's the one," Frank sighs. "And I am thankful that you are here with me. You'll now also be better able to sympathize with those that have suffered serious emotional trauma. It all adds to your life experience Jamie."
"So you really think I'm gonna be okay?"
"Jamie, you are gonna be just fine. That I promise."
XXXXXXXX
"Well am I okay to go back on duty?" Jamie asks Dr. Tremblay an hour later. After his discussion with his father, Jamie had taken the number for the employee confidential assistance program, booking one session just to vent all the things he didn't tell his father or Danny that Don had said or done to him. Just the knowledge that he had the session booked seemed to make things easier in his mind and the day was then able to progress.
"I would suggest taking it easy a few more days but doubt you'd listen," Dr. Tremblay replies with a smile. "I know your father too well and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, no matter how steep the hill," he chuckles. "I am clearing you for duty with some standard medical provisions. That's the best I can do; in a few days, which will be Monday, you should be back to your full regular schedule."
"Thanks doc," Jamie thanks the doctor and heads outside. The small provisions were not to drive at night if he was on any pain medication and not to be firing his weapon if he experienced anything that affected his vision or motor control. Since he was very well aware of the sacredness of life, Jamie had no problem agreeing to all of that; it was the fact that he was back on the mend that made this trip worthwhile.
"Hey rookie Reagan," Renzulli greets him with another officer at his side. "You ready to shoot some paper baddies?"
"You bet," Jamie replies with a firm smile. "Do I hafta change?"
"You better believe it, this ain't no play date," Renzulli winks.
Jamie just shakes his head but hurries to his locker to change and then get to the shooting range and get himself back in working condition. Renzulli had told him that tomorrow, since it was Friday, would be an easier day and then it would be back to the full beat on Monday. He could hardly wait.
"A hole in one!" Renzulli shouts as he pats Jamie on the back about another hour later after he had fired off his final shot. "A few misses but I was lookin' the other way," Renzulli smiles. "How ya feelin'?"
"Tired," Jamie offers in truth. "I hate to say this but I might actually need a nap."
"We'll go easy on you tomorrow okay. Only old folks homes and bowling alley's," Renzulli slaps Jamie on the back, evoking a small chuckle from the youngest Reagan.
"I'll be okay."
"I think you should rest if you need it," Renzulli tells him in truth. "We got a big day tomorrow."
"Thanks," Jamie smiles. "See you tomorrow."
Jamie heads back to the locker room to change and then goes in search of his brother.
"Now here is a real menace to society," Danny teases Jamie as his youngest sibling approaches. "How ya feelin' kid?"
"Fine," Jamie answers as he slumps down into a nearby chair.
"Ah so you've been asked that a thousand times in the last ten minutes and are now mad at me for askin' again?" Danny smirks getting a nod from Jamie. "Right well…how about we go for lunch."
"Lunch?" Jamie looks up in surprise.
"Take advantage of it while I'm offering," Danny winks as Jackie joins them.
"Hey Jamie. You back on the beat tomorrow?"
"Can't wait," Jamie answers with an eager grin.
"But right now he's takin' me out for a beer."
"A beer?" Jackie arches her brows. "You're on the clock Reagan," she mocks in a motherly tone.
"Yeah yeah," Danny nods at his partner and then looks at his brother. "Come on kid…your happy meal is on me," he looks at Jackie. "And I'll have the Grandpa burger."
"Just stay out of the playroom with your guns," Jackie calls after them.
Danny offers a mock wave as he turns and ushers Jamie out of the main room, heading outside into the car. As much as he wants to ask how his younger brother is doing, he can tell that he's conflicted between uncertainly about returning to work and taking a few more days. But Jamie is a Reagan and that means pushing aside personal discomfort for loyalty to duty and their father.
But things were different now; his concern would be two fold. At first he had only worried about Jamie on the beat, taking shots and being shot at, facing tense situations and heartless enemies. But now he also worries about Jamie's emotional well being. Would he be hampered if he faced a similar situation to what he did? Would he be able to remain impartial on an arrest on anyone that reminded him of Don Sommerfield? Would he ever be able to excise those demons? The answers were only uncertainty and all he could do right now was silently vow to himself to make sure that his bond with Jamie continues to grow and that he pays more attention to his youngest sibling, perhaps fostering another avenue for Jamie to come and confide in. He had just gotten his brother fully back and wasn't about to lose him now.
"Danny?"
"Yeah…I'm good," Danny looks over at Jamie with a smile. "We good?"
"Yeah…we are," Jamie smiles back as they head for the restaurant.
The lunch hour was spent with two brothers, laughing and joking over burgers and pop, talking about the weekend and when Jamie was make good on his deal to take the boys to a baseball game so that Danny and Linda could have some time to themselves.
"You back on the beat tomorrow?"
"I'm tired but…but yeah I want that," Jamie answers with a smile as they linger outside Jamie's apartment.
"Remember you can call me anytime. I mean it Jamie, you wanna talk, cry, scream, whatever…you know it stays with me right?"
"Thanks," Jaime replies softly.
"Come here," Danny pulls his brother into his arms for a hug. "I'm not gonna lose you again," Danny whispers before he pulls back. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow."
Jamie watches his brother take his leave and then heads into his apartment – alone for the first time in days. His mind was at peace and his heart was elated that he and Danny were closer than when this whole incident had happened. That is the one small blessing that he finds comfort in out of all the nightmares that are lurking – that him and his brother had the growing closer relationship that he had always wanted with Danny and had lost when Joe was killed.
He flips on the TV and then calls his grandfather just because he said he would. Then he sets about making dinner for himself and doing things to just get himself ready for the next day. Finally after a long day, and a bit earlier than most his age in the rest of the city, Jamie climbs into his bed and turns off the light.
At first the silence starts to plague him and he reaches for the light, wanting to turn it on, get dressed and head back to his fathers. But he couldn't; he had to do this – to prove to himself that he was okay and Don's hold was gone for good. So he settles back in, closes his eyes and tells himself that he's taking back his life and this was the first step.
'Remember kid, Don might have taken a few things but he never took what mattered,' Danny had told him. 'In the end family is what really matters and you have that in spades. I love you kid, never forget that.'
And those few small words of comfort force Jamie's lips to slightly curl upward in the dark and his mind to settle so that for the first time in days he was able to sleep the majority of the night unhindered.
The next morning the alarm goes off as it regularly did a few weeks back and he looks at it and frowns before offering a yawn and getting up. Jamie goes about his regular morning routine, having a shower, making breakfast and then finally grabbing his coat and heading for the door.
He steps outside into the busy street and smiles.
"A new day," he whispers to himself as he heads for Joe's car with a smile. The day would be strained but welcomed; the weekend routine but enjoyed and the future – open but secure.
THE END!
A/N: Well we reached the ending of this journey and I want to again THANK YOU all so much for the amazing reviews. I hope you'll leave one last one for this chappy that kinda sums up this story and I hope has a happy ending but wasn't to much on sappy overkill lol please also let me know in your review if you'd like more Jamie centric stories.
And yay for a NEW SEASON TONIGHT! Enjoy bluebloods fans and stay tuned for more!