Chapter 23

Games and entanglements

"The great love of my life is a homicidal maniac. No one's perfect."

- Sherlock Holmes, Elementary TV Series

"In my dawn and new day I finally got away
But my head's all messed up and he knows just what to say
and I still light up like a candle burnin when he call me up ..."

- Macy Gray, Still

Disclaimer: I don't own GG

Background: takes place in the episode where Lorelai is gone for the weekend and Rory eats in her house with Jess and Paris, which is when Dean comes, Jess leaves and they start fighting. All starts going down after that.

Warning: Some chapters may be really triggering.

1.

"Lane, what is it? You sounded like it's urgent on the phone?"

Lane had called her to come over to her house in the afternoon. She looked excited, and Rory smiled. "What is it, what happened?"

"I just needed you to come here before my mom returns tonight."

"Okay? So what is the secrecy for?"

"Go in my room and you'll see" Lane was so excited, she was practically jumping up and down.

"Did you get some special music album or something?"

"Just. Go. In."

"Okay, okay crazy, settle down"

And then everything slowed down. Lane said something that didn't match in the conversation at all, but Rory was already halfway through the door of Lane's room before she realized it. "Go in, I'll wait on the stairs and tell you if my mom comes back unexpectedly"

Rory felt alarmed suddenly.

Why would Lane want her to see something in her room, but alone? Wait for her? Her mom wasn't supposed to be back for 2 more hours, what could she do in there for so long? All the questions went through her head as she was entering, having some wrong feeling in her stomach. I'm overreacting. I'm imagining things. I will feel stupid in a second for even thinking this could be...

"Hi Rory." Dean look up at her from Lane's chair and his eyes warmed up, like he was happy to see her. She felt cold sweat surfacing her face and things started feeling unreal, like they had that day months ago. Behind her, Lane closed the door, and Rory should have stopped her, but somehow, she couldn't move or speak.

2.

She tried to gather her thoughts.

"What are you doing here?" Is my voice too dry? Do I look afraid?

"I told you we need to talk. You told your mom. I had to do it somewhere where we won't be seen." His voice was soothing and gentle. So was his look, and she couldn't reconcile that with her last memories of him. Suddenly he was just Dean- the guy she'd met in her old high school, the sweet guy that made her a bracelet and cared about her so deeply. A normal, good guy. Am I going crazy?

He took few steps towards her. There was too little air in the room. It's fine. It's all fine.

"Come on Rory, don't you miss me?" his face was almost next to her and she felt the presence of the wall a little behind her, just like you do when you're alert and able to tell exactly where everything is in a room without looking. She didn't dare to turn around, careful to keep studying his face. There was nothing signifying danger. He held- gently- her arms right above the elbows, and she felt hypersensitive, despite the fact that nothing in his presence seem to be threatening. "Don't you miss...us?"

She kept her eyes on his, monitored his features, his body language. She tried, but couldn't respond.

"Don't you remember how good we were? We were like family Rory, we were making plans of the future."

"I know"

His voice was raspy and full of feelings. Of love. She felt the warmth of his body, his cologne, hitting her in the nose. She had bought it, a straight male cologne, with one of those stupid names like Intense Heat or Ice Thunder or something of the sort. She thought it was funny and classic to get him something like that for their anniversary. She thought she had liked the smell, but now it felt heavy and it made her stomach turn.

"We knew each other down to every taste and memory and dream, remember? I told you things I never told anyone, and you told me too, things you said you never told anyone, or was that a lie?" His hands gripped her arms a little stronger than before, but she could tell it was just with intensity, but no harm. It still send a chill down her spine.

"No, it wasn't" She said quietly, suddenly beyond any logic feeling guilty. "We did, we talked and we made plans, but..."

"But what? We loved each other, we love each other Rory, we know each other. No one else will know you like that, no one knows you like I know you. I know your favorite ice-cream. I know your biggest dream, and your biggest fear. I know the expression you have when you want people to think you're listening, but you're really thinking about a book you want to read. I know what makes you smile when you're sad. I know your heart. I know you. Can you really say that about anyone else? We were great together, how can you just let things go like that, like they were a mistake?"

"I didn't, I just..." She felt hot wave of shame raising to her cheeks, and the tears pushing behind her eyes.

"We were in love, we're in love, and I know I made a mistake, I did, but you would forgive your mom if she made a mistake, wouldn't you?"

"It's not.."

"Don't you even remember how things were when we were apart? Don't you remember how great we are together? Why are you throwing it all away for one mistake?"

"I'm not..." his speech was picking up speed, faster and faster and she was struggling to get a word in, even if she knew the right thing to say.

"Is that what you wanted Rory, to tear us apart? Why would you want that? I know you like nobody knows you, I know you. Why can't you just let things go, if you really ever loved me, why can't you forgive one mistake? What's wrong with you? Don't I deserve a second chance after all the things I've been through, doesn't everybody?" The wave of shame drowned her. Suddenly she felt put on the spot and guilty, and she couldn't think for long enough to defend herself. Her mind was spinning.

"Don't you remember our first kiss? Don't you remember when you were sick and I brought you your homework and got you books to read? Don't you remember when you were really stressed about your dad missing things and I got you to see Lane and have a girls night, because I knew that was what you needed? Don't you remember I made you a car from scratch? Don't you remember..."

She started to cry, everything in her wanting to apologize and run at the same time.

"Please let me go" her voice was so low that she was wondering if she imagined speaking.

"Please just give me a chance, just a kiss Rory, please. Please don't break us over one mistake. It's not fair, please, I am begging you."

She said nothing- couldn't say anything. He slowly lean in to kiss her, soft and sweet kiss. She felt nauseous, everything in her body reminding her things have changed. And still she wanted, everything in her wanted for this to be the reality, for things to go back to the days when things made sense to her, when she was just a girl and he was just a guy, he was the guy. When her biggest fear was not getting into Harvard, and when she wanted to talk people, and not avoid them.

She pulled away, just enough to stop the kiss, still unable to feel her shaky legs.

"I changed" her voice was still too low, but his eyes registered that he heard.

"Is this because of Jess? Don't you remember we were good until he came along, don't you remember? Is it all because of him?" He was starting to sound like a jealous boyfriend again and she wondered if she was going crazy. His voice was getting higher, speeding up, fueled with jealousy and fear, and panic. She felt the fear rise in her throat. The tears finally slid from her eyes, hot and burning her face. "You told me that you never did anything with him so why can't we go back, why can't we..."

"Dean, I didn't"

"He will never know you like I know you, nobody will. I don't know what you have told your mom, but I slipped only once, one mistake, does that erase all good that I have done, please Rory, we have to be together. I need you, you need me. What did you do Rory, did you lie to me?"

She looked at him in terror, feeling trapped. His hands were pressing her skin harder, and suddenly his face was completely cold. The change happened fast, like a mask went on him. Suddenly there was no compassion or love registering anymore. "Is that what it is Rory, did you kiss him, did you lie to me? Did you have feelings for him, is that why you ended things?"

"I wouldn't" She was openly whimpering now, unable to comprehend how she was in the same situation again. The guy she remembered from that night had resurfaced without a warning. Everything in her froze. She was whimpering, scared and humiliated, ashamed and guilty, unable to remember where she was and how she got there- anything other that his hands on her. He looked at her coldly, like she was a dirt on the side of the road.

"Please let me go, I didn't do anything, I wouldn't..."

"You're lying, you know you are, you wanted him, you wanted him and now you are blaming me for a mistake you made..."

"I didn't do anything, please, let me go"

He suddenly stepped back and got his hands off her. His face was soft and caring again.

"You'll see. I only want what's best for you."

"Then never call me again"

"No, Rory, uh-uh. I can't do that, you know that I can't. I love you so much, you know that."

"Let me go"

"I'm not doing anything"

"I have to go"

"This isn't over Rory"

She blindly turned away and walked out the door, surprised that her feet still held her. Her vision was blurred from the tears, and she removed them rapidly, but they kept coming.

"Rory, what happened?" It was Lane, getting off the stairs. "I thought you'd be happy to see him, you have been so sad since he left! I thought that..."

"Lane I'll see you later okay, please get him out of here if you are my friend, please"

"Rory!" Dean was running after her. "I'm sorry I left you, I promise I'll make it up to you. I'm leaving, okay, but I'll make it up to you"

She felt even more sick. He must've sounded like a perfect boyfriend to Lane, god, how will she explain? She watched him leave, and walked back home, trying wrap her head and her heart around the situation. Am I going crazy?