It was easy with everything going on in my new life with Edward and the Cullens to forget that I still had old responsibilities, namely Jacob Black. Mason had asked about him twice and when I finally got a hold of Jake he wanted to spend some time with Mason. None of the Cullens were too happy about it, Edward in particular.
"I don't understand Bella. He's around when he wants to be and away when he wants. Jacob Black is not his father." Edward had argued.
To be honest Edward was pissing me off. No this situation was not ideal, however I had given my word that as long as it was healthy Mason and Jake could maintain their relationship. The thing I would never admit to Edward though was how I was still too insecure about us to put all of my eggs in the Cullen basket.
"You don't have to understand Edward. I realise that your life at the very least always makes sense, but mine doesn't." It came out snippier than I planned but his perfect control over his own life made me defensive about my own.
Esme agreed to drive me and I accepted. At least then Jake couldn't accuse me of trying to intimidate him. Mason sat happily in the backseat as I nervously wrung my hands. Esme drove quietly giving me too much time to think. We finally approached Jakes house, which I had always liked. The mountain of a man I used to care for stood outside the front door failing to look casual with a smile but crossing his arms over his massive chest.
I stumbled out while Esme released Mason from his booster seat. He ran up to Jake and launched himself at the first important man in his life. His little voice drowned over his and rattled on about all of his exploits with the various members of the Cullen clan. My ears picked up how much he spoke of Edward and I sniled knowing how happy that would make him. Jake put Mason back on the floor and told him to go inside so that we could talk. My little demon came and gave my leg a gentle squeeze before darting into the house.
I was glad that Jake started the conversation as I had no idea what to say.
"How's the leg Bella?"
"Eh, you know. It's healing. Oh this is Esme Cullen." I pointed to her and felt my anger peak when Jake snubbed her with a huff.
"Bella look, I know it's not my place to say anything but do you think you're doing the right thing by Mason?"
I felt blood pool in my face. It was no secret that I didn't care for the people he associated with and had around my son. They weren't bad really, just a bit too into partying. "You're right Jake. It's not your place to say."
His dark eyes narrowed and stared me down."I love him Bella. He may not be my flesh and blood but we love each other."
"That's the only reason we're here Jacob. The thing is though, he is my flesh and blood, so you can please keep your opinions to yourself."
He looked at me with pure hatred, a look I never thought I would see from him. I always thought if anyone could love me for a lifetime it would be him, but the look in his eyes told me that I had been dead wrong.
"Well when you fuck it all to Hell playing family with the Cullens, which you will because you always fucking do, just remember I'll do anything to help him, but you can rot in Hell."
Esme gasped beside me. Jake turned and stormed into the house slamming the door on his way. I stood frozen, paralyzed with fear.
He's right. I always mess everything up including my relationship with him. Jake had been a good man, honest and generous, and I made him hate me. I brought out the worst in him. Edward would end up the same. He was so good, so structured, and settled in his life. I had nothing to offer him but chaos and misery.
At some point I noticed that we had gotten back into the car, my first concious thought was of the grey green trees whirring past my window. The silence echoed in the cars interior until Esme spoke.
"Bella I have come to love you as a daughter and Mason as my own. I feel that I must say I do not think that keeping Jacob Black in your lives is in your best interests. How are you supposed to move forward when you are forced to hear such filth?" She didn't speak unkindly but there was a heat to her voice that was far from her normal softness.
"He has a right to everything he said Esme, to every hurt for each wrong I committed against him. And if he's correct again and I mess everything up, I don't want to suddenly be left with no one else but me who cares for Mason." I waited for tears but they were absent as if I were being denied the release, punished again.
My head hit the window as Esme swerved the car off the road before suddenly screeching to a stop. "You listen you me Isabella Marie Swan, you have had some rotten breaks in your life but you are a grown woman.
You have the ability to make rational decisions and know right from wrong. You don't have to mess things up. When it gets hard, talk, let it out. Get drunk with the girls, bang my sons brains out- whatever works.
But don't you dare submit yourself to failure this early on. Understand me young lady?"
I nodded my head hoping my eyes, which were currently popping out of my skull, didn't completely fall out. Esme just lost her shit. She yelled at me. She told me to get drunk if I had to, or use her son's body to work out my stress. I was simultaneously in awe of and terrified of the tiny woman next to me.
The rest of the ride home was quiet but Esme seemed to still fume a bit. Her normally perfect hair was frizzy, like the steam that should be coming from her ears had effected it. We walked into the house. Well I hobbled, she had her angry walk working overtime. The entire family was in the lounge room when we entered.
"Esme, dear, what happened?" Carlisle asked in an overly calm manner.
"I'll tell you what happened. That son of a bitch Jacob Black tried to convince my daughter that she's not good enough for this family. He played on her insecurities and tried to use Mason's welfare as reasons why Bella shouldn't be here. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe there is some meat that needs tenderising in the kitchen."
Esme swore!. My eyes were rounded with shock. Jasper whistled low while Alice giggled. Rose and Em looked at me as if to say, "see told ya we were all nuts". Carlisle looked concerned and Edward looked like he may be sick.
"So, um, yeah. The drop off didn't go as planned."
"How are you handling all of this Bella?" Carlisle seemed to want to put everything to rest while the entire family was present. It still felt so peculiar to have such a large group of people privy to my life. Edward was staring at me with such intensity I felt my insides boil.
"I'll admit what he said upset me. He spoke my deepest fears out loud, that I would mess things up and that Mason would pay the price. I may have started to fall into a bit of a pity party. That's when Esme pulled over and went all Terminator on me. She was right though. At least I hope so."
"What are you going to do about Jacob?" Rose asked in an angry tone.
"Honestly I don't know. I'm not sure if cutting him out of Mason's life is the best idea. It's going to take me some time to feel secure in my place here, I've got a lot of damage to work through. But I think I'm going to make some changes to our agreement. I haven't figured it all out. Guess I'm still too shocked that Esme said a swear word!
Everyone had a chuckle, but seriously. That woman looked like the quintsential garden party mom and yet here she was, smacking gun wielding crackheads with horse statues and saying the b-word. Edward stood next to me and held my hand before he questioned with a nod of his head if I would join him upstairs. I nodded and he lifted me up, carried me upstairs, and sat me down on my bed.
"You're not running."
"No Edward, I'm not. I thought about it but your mom scared me into submission." I snickered hoping he would share in my humour but his face remained a blank mask.
"Bella I don't know what else I can say or do to convince you that..."
"Edward stop. It's not up to you, you're not Superman. Sometimes it breaks through, I'll be sitting with the family or kissing you and it hits me that I haven't been afraid for awhile. Then that sends me into a panic because I've let my guard down. It doesn't make sense and it's not fair to you but that's the truth of it."
He nodded his head slowly before he bunched his forehead. "Not to sound too hopeful, but it sounds like there has been some improvement."
Edward's verdant eyes rounded with desire to hear his thoughts confirmed and it caused me to smile. "Yeah, it is getting better. I'm so sorry about all of this. If I had made smarter choices before things wouldn't be so hard now for us."
His handsome face softened and his hands raised to cup my face, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs. "I wish that you never experienced the pain that you endured, but I am eternally grateful for whatever twist of circumstance lead you to me, to where you belong."
He leaned over and kissed me so softly. Despite it not being a sexual kiss my body flushed with the nearness of him, of being engulfed in his scent and gentle touch. This kiss was a promise, a bone deep oath that no matter what came next, we would face it together.