The Test

I am so sorry about the delay in posting but RL has been throwing me some curve balls! I know I haven't thanked everyone for their wonderful reviews and for that, I apologize profusely. I can't tell you how much it brightens my day to receive each and every review so please, please keep them coming!

Warnings for angst and language continue…

Still not mine….

Chapter Twenty Four

Ranger Manoso sat in the silence of his office, staring into the darkness. As ex-military he had always appreciated their early warning systems; systems that would alert you to everything from intruders to missiles and let you know that your life was about to go to shit. What he wouldn't have given for one of those systems for his personal life...

In hindsight, he knew this had been building for awhile but somehow he had avoided thinking about it...until now. If only he could go back two weeks or better yet two years and do it all over again...

He thought of Stephanie and wondered if she was experiencing the same doubts and questions he was or if she was somehow oblivious to the damage she'd caused.

He'd lost count of the number of times he'd heard her say "It's not my fault." How would she handle it when it was, in fact, her fault? Did everyone go through this? This…period…where something that once charmed you now made you cringe?

Or was it his problem? His fault that Bobby was lying in that bed and might never again step out of it on his own? Ranger knew a large portion of the responsibility was his but he had no idea how he was going to live with it.

How had he gotten here? Ranger knew some people would consider him arrogant but he knew how good he was. He'd toppled governments, destroyed drug cartels, captured some of the world's most vicious criminals…he'd been praised and rewarded by everyone from celebrities to Presidents and it hadn't been enough – he'd still screwed up.

He'd still missed the chance to avoid all this. Blinded by his love for a little Burg girl with incredible aquamarine eyes, a dazzling smile and a sense of adventure that matched his own. Why hadn't he done more?

He should have ignored her whining and insisted that Stephanie get trained. Better yet, he should have actually played the part he'd signed on for and insisted she learn to defend and think for herself when he'd agreed to be her mentor. Her Professor Higgins. He could have…no, should have made it a condition of his helping her.

Ranger knew that was the part that was killing him…the part that might well ruin any chance he and Steph had of surviving this…it was the thoughtlessness...his and hers.

He was proud of the fact that he'd never asked his men to do anything he wasn't prepared to do. He always assumed the heaviest risk and was the first through any door…until Stephanie. He'd allowed his objectivity to become compromised and now he felt as though he'd conceded his integrity as well.

Ranger had created stringent rules where Stephanie was concerned; rules that required his men keep her safe no matter what. He hadn't thought about what might happen to his men; he'd only worried about Stephanie but what gave him the right?

He'd made self sacrifice to protect his woman a condition of employment…worse, of friendship! And for a woman who wasn't willing to forfeit anything…wasn't willing to so much as enter a gym or pick up a gun to help keep herself safe.

Ranger slammed his hand down onto his desk and shook his head in anger at himself.

Keeping his Babe safe had been his top priority almost from the day he'd met her but keeping her close…showing her that he was the better man…that had been almost as important and he'd be lying to himself if he didn't admit that was one reason he'd let the training slide.

He'd needed her and her calling him for help was the only way he knew she needed him. He'd never thought about the ultimate and eventual cost of that need.

What did Stephanie think was going to happen…Ranger was fairly certain that the only consequences Steph considered voluntarily were related to birth control and disappointing her mother.

He'd always thought her denial was part of the reason she'd bounced back so quickly from every one of her traumatic experiences…yes, she was more resilient than most but she also had a gift for avoiding the what ifs of life and how do you fear something you can't even consider?

If he'd wanted her to think about consequences then he would have had to educate her about them but was that what he wanted? A woman who didn't consider repercussions? Didn't think about her choices – when she could bring herself to make any? Didn't weigh the outcome of her actions?

Before Stephanie, Ranger would have sworn that a woman like that had no place in his life but now…

He finally understood why some diabetics refused to give up sugar…how they craved that special sweetness to the point that they didn't care if it killed them. It was exactly how he felt about Stephanie…except that he wasn't the kind of man who could allow himself to act on that type of emotion. His life didn't allow that kind of risk.

The potential risk was so high…for himself, Stephanie and his men. Bobby was the first casualty but if he and Stephanie stayed together as things were…Ranger could see more casualties forming and he couldn't be responsible for them.

Damn it all to fuck! Why couldn't Stephanie think? That was all he wanted…needed…really. Miguel was an Army Ranger trained killing machine and the two years of physical training Ranger could have given her still wouldn't have given Steph a snowball's chance in Hell of taking Miguel out.

Stephanie's chances of surviving an outcome with Miguel would have depended on her ability to use the Intel she had, to work with a team…to strategize. She would have needed to stop and think…the one thing he never saw her do.

If Stephanie had given any thought to meeting Miguel then she would have done things differently and if she had then Bobby would be safe. None of this would have happened.

Ranger felt the bitterness rise in his throat…if only he could go back and change it all…then maybe he could undo it all…but he couldn't go back and he couldn't figure out how to go forward…

Long ago, Stephanie had become his compass and now Ranger knew he had never felt so lost.

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