Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty-Five

If at first you don't succeed, try until they get bored of resisting. Not a bad motto for a character like Natsuki, with the kind of bad luck that would make a devil weep. I mean, man. We need fanfic so she can catch some breaks after a series of running betrayal.

"Hey, Shizuru."

"Ara, this is interesting timing…"

I blinked as Shizuru hurriedly held her kimono shut. "You're changing?" I said blankly.

"Evidently," she replied, turning her back and holding her arms up. Hideko fussed around her in an incomprehensible, pulling on various things and folding other things and generally performing whatever ritual they needed to do to summon Shizuru's well-dressed, elegant appearance. "Perhaps I should have people knock when they come in, after all."

"I didn't see anything," I retorted hotly. "You don't have to be so self-conscious."

"I'm just being cautious, that's all. Though sick girls don't get their rest around here." Shizuru twisted her neck, glancing at me with her amused face. "Leaving that aside, but you really have to put it that way? I'm scared whenever you say 'hey', now. It's a bit of a problem when one of your greetings shreds my nerves so."

"You should just get used to it again, and stop complaining," I said, folding my arms and glaring at her. "What do you want me to say, anyway?"

"I'm not sure. Good day to you, Shizuru for a greeting?"

"Vetoed." I leaned against the wall, relaxing slightly. "But you're very energetic all of a sudden."

"Is that so?" Shizuru asked innocently. "I hope you don't mind."

"It's fine, as far as it goes. But you're still pale. Paler. Is this really okay?" I demanded. "Aren't you supposed to stay in bed for two weeks?"

"I was feeling a little better than before, and it seemed like such a waste to lie around all day without doing anything," Shizuru replied. Hideko tied her obi, stepping back and admiring her handiwork. "Anything else would be too boring. I'm sure you'd try moving at least a little yourself, after a while like that."

"I may yet get to experience it, thanks," I replied warily, watching her through half-closed eyes. "But you sure are stubborn. I shouldn't be surprised."

"A little walk never did anyone any harm," Shizuru remarked loosely. She looked at me, touching her hair briefly with her right hand. "How do I look?"

"Like someone raised a zombie from the Meiji era," I replied bluntly. "Even if you wear pretty clothes, a dead person is still a dead person, after all."

"How cruel," Shizuru said lightly. She crossed the room slowly, sitting on a chair and looking thoughtfully at the mirror jutting from the table. "That said, though, I see your point. I'm not at my best." She coughed, clearing her throat.

"Honestly," I replied, as Hideko wordlessly picked up a comb. "What are you going to do like that?"

"I'm not too badly off," Shizuru said defensively. "I've had a lot of rest."

"Well, it doesn't show, but whatever." I shrugged. "Just try not to infect us all."

"You all use that excuse when it suits you, but when it comes to bothering me all morning and afternoon no one apologises for that," Shizuru complained. "Can't you at least be consistent?"

"Oh, don't be fussy," I replied, rolling my eyes. "If it's getting through your thick skull, we all have to anything we can do. And now you're doing this because it pleases you, for whatever reason."

"Is that so," Shizuru murmured tiredly.

I frowned, shrugging easily. "Well, provided you don't go too far, I'll just accept that and move on. But you aren't allowed to go out, or fight anyone, or do anything stupid like that."

"I'd taken that as read," Shizuru replied briefly. "And you? How are you doing?"

"I'm the same as ever. Did you think I'd get sick that fast or something?"

Shizuru chuckled slightly. "No… I meant with your revision."

I blinked. "About that. I delegated it."

"I'm not sure how you delegate revision," Shizuru said reproachfully.

"I said my future self could do it," I replied. "It's only been the second week, after all. There's still a lot of time."

"Carefree, for you." Shizuru coughed slightly, taking a long breath. "Never mind, though. If it's you, it'll probably end well enough. That will have to do."

"Yep, you're seriously still sick," I noted, snorting slightly. "If you were well, I'd already be dead."

"Perhaps," Shizuru conceded quietly. Amusement was plain on her voice.

"Forget that, though. What are you going to do, looking like that?" I demanded.

"I just want to sit in the lounge, that's all," Shizuru replied. "I could do with a change of atmosphere, and that much should be fine. I know I'm still sick, after all. But getting some fresher air is never a bad thing, either."

"You think so?" I asked, toying with a strand of my hair. "I can't see how much difference it could make, myself."

"You remain the voice of hopeful optimism in a bleak world," Shizuru said. "You could at least humour me a little more, right?"

"This is humouring you," I replied. "If I was feeling impatient, I'd kick you back into bed and sit on your head until you gave in on staying there."

"Tempting, but no."

"Is this okay, Ojou-sama?" Hideko asked quietly.

"That looks fine," Shizuru replied. "Do you think my hair's okay like this, Natsuki?"

"Looks fine to me," I replied bluntly. "The same as it always is, and a lot better than earlier. I thought a porcupine had nested there."

Shizuru laughed slightly, stand and looking at me. "Natsuki is a blunt person, after all. But you should be glad I'm still a little on the rough side. As it is, please expect punitive interest on all these cruel and unusual jabs at my dignity."

"I'll look forwards to it," I replied quickly, and truthfully. Strange, but it really had been too long since she last spoke to me in that playful, teasing voice. "But in the meantime, have a taste of your own medicine. It's good for an arrogant person like you."

"Well, I suppose I can bear it," Shizuru conceded mock-seriously, running a hand through her newly combed hair. "In any case, I'm going."

"Hey, Shizuru."

She stopped, smiling at me. "By now, you're just doing it deliberately, aren't you?"

"Not just deliberately," I replied defensively.

"Well, perhaps I'm being over-defensive," Shizuru replied, folding her hands into her sleeves as she often does. "In the same way that you're frequently tactful and polite, even when it isn't necessary."

"It's a little amazing you can keep yourself entertained like this even when you're sick," I complained. "That's just unnatural. And here I was, about to compliment you as well."

"Now that, I don't believe." Shizuru laughed again, coughing slightly. "It's been a few months, surely?"

"I'm not that bad," I complained. "So you shouldn't just say what you like, either." And then I shrugged and smiled at her. "You look pretty beautiful, though."

"Sorry?" Shizuru asked innocently. "What was that? I didn't catch it."

"I said you look like frogs have crawled over your face while you sleep. Make of that what you will." I turned, heading for the door. "Now let's go, already. You might as well move, if you're getting up at all."

Following Shizuru's behaviour is certainly a pain, to say the least. Doing things without reasons she'll ever disclose honestly, and according to her weird logic rather than common sense, it all means I've become complacent in my amused bafflement about everything she does. But I've learned to think about it, at least. I don't just take her statements on faith any more. Is that a bad thing? If so, is it her fault or mine? But more than any abstract matter of a good thing or a bad thing, this is just how Shizuru is. Even if I complain about it, that's fine. I'm not twisted out of mind by cute, idealised thoughts about her. So I'll know her and watch her and protect her, as her, the person she is. Perhaps, too, I should try to change her rather than just accept these bad habits of hers. But I don't think I'm strong enough to do that. It doesn't feel wrong, even when a lot of things do feel wrong, to let this be on her terms. So I'll trust my instinct and accept it.

And in this instance, here and now, she's doing what she always does. Even if she says she's better, there's not much mistaking her pale face and her stiff, slow stride. Shizuru normally walks deceptively fast, despite her easy grace. I was surprised to find that she could keep up with me, when I was younger and the two of us more distant. Right now, I'm slowing myself for her, and there isn't much grace in the way she limps along. But still, she'll force herself, because she thinks it's important somehow. Honestly, she's an egoist with no self-respect. That shouldn't even be possible!

She put her left hand on the wall briefly, steadying herself, and looked up at me with an apologetic smile. But she didn't say anything, either. There wasn't much she could say in this situation.

"Honestly," I complained, stopping and glaring at her. "You're being very creative with "feeling better", aren't you?"

"I'm fine," Shizuru replied, a little unconvincingly.

Now there's two words you only say when you're anything but fine. "I'm sure," I replied dryly. I grabbed her arm. "Come on, come on. You aren't allowed to collapse in a corridor."

"I'm not collapsing," Shizuru complained. I moved my hand around her back, supporting her weight. "Just what are you doing?"

"Well, I wonder," I said ironically, walking forwards again. "Can you remember the last time I did this for you?"

Shizuru frowned, shifting away slightly. "Last night, isn't it?"

"Right. Exactly," I replied. "Twice in one day is just far too often, after all. So you should be far more careful."

Shizuru sighed. Her breath was surprisingly close to my ear, which made me blink. "Sorry for troubling you."

"I'm used to it already, so it's nothing to feel your complex over." I glanced at her, smiling a little despite myself. "Besides, it's not bad to feel like I'm a little useful, as well."

"Is that so?" Shizuru asked. "I thought this was a bother?"

"It's still a bother. Don't mistake that, or get any funny ideas." I pushed the door open and helped her through, looking across the room thoughtfully. "How would you say it?" Beyond the windows, the garden sat like a contented cat.

"A surprisingly thoughtful face," Shizuru said half-teasingly, freeing herself from my grasp and sitting on the sofa.

Her descent wasn't quite kinetic enough to say she fell into the seat, but it was getting there. The sight was strangely amusing. "An unsurprisingly stubborn girl." I crossed the room, looking at my reflection in the window. Green eyes looked at green eyes, with Shizuru watching from behind. "Back then, I never helped anyone with anything, after all. I thought that everyone was alone in this world, and for that reason, I'd let everyone else struggle with their own affairs. I'd just use my power to look after myself, as they should, and the strongest would win. That's how I thought, at that time."

"Are you a little envious of your younger self?" Shizuru asked philosophically. "That's a rather easy way to live, at least, without being dragged into the affairs of people like me."

"It was a lot simpler," I agreed. "Everything was a lot simpler, when I was younger. But that goes for everyone, doesn't it?"

"Yes. That's true."

"But simple and easy aren't the same thing. Even if they were, the path of least resistance is dull and full of regrets." I smiled thinly. "You know, I was very lonely. And I was scared, as well. If you don't think anyone will help you when you fall, you have to do everything right, without making any mistakes. In the end there isn't much you can do, thinking like that. And you don't feel necessary, either. If I were to die today, who would mourn me? Who would notice?" I stopped for a moment, shrugging pointlessly.

Shizuru leaned back, looking away from my reflection's eyes. "I can understand that feeling."

"But, you know," I said, keeping my voice bright, "I didn't have to do things like that. I was just forcing that kind of lifestyle on myself. You were the first person who I knew I could rely on, no matter what happened. I guess I went a little overboard, depending on you without giving much trust back. I was a little hard on you."

"As glad as I am that you trusted me back then, it doesn't make me very happy," Shizuru said tiredly. "It's that trust I betrayed in such a way, which is an unforgivable thing."

"Well, you did betray my trust, and did hurt more than I can say," I replied. "That's true, but hurting yourself, blaming yourself for everything and pushing yourself too hard. That's just something you force on yourself as well, isn't it?" I glanced at her, eyes sharp. "Is it me? Did I ever suggest I wanted something like that? If so, I'll take it back and apologise. Whatever happened then, I don't want to see you sad."

Shizuru watched me sadly, rubbing her forehead idly with her right hand. "It's a little depressing, when you make even my shame a shameful thing."

"Well, that isn't my intention, either." I leaned against the wall again, folding my arms and looking at her. Just where was I going with this conversation? Just with the flow, more or less. I was relying on my instincts, and it didn't feel any less dangerous or important than dodging bullets. "That's because I'm an idiot. I can't do subtle things, or say things gently, or reassure you without hurting you. That's who I am. But I can state my intentions clearly, and I'm not doing anything with the intent to hurt you or make you sad. If I could reassure you a little, that would be enough for me."

"That's kind of you," Shizuru replied quietly.

"Yeah, it is. But it can't be helped." I closed my eyes, picking my way forwards. Somehow, it felt like we'd gone in a useful direction. I wanted to go as far as I could, not that I knew what I was doing. But perhaps it's what I just said. The intention might be more important than my exact words, right now. "I've thought it a lot, recently. Worrying about you has been a pain. And that's one of the reasons why I thought like that, before. If you don't worry, though, you don't care. If you have something or someone to worry about, that means you have something important to protect. Isn't that right?"

"You may be right, but important things aren't very safe," Shizuru replied. "If it's you, Natsuki, I'm surprised to hear you say that. Your mother, and me, we both betrayed you, didn't we? In the end."

"That's why I can say it without regret or doubt," I replied steadily. "Even if I have to risk my emotions, and my important things, that's still better than having a life with no attachments. Not despite, but because of the Carnival, I'll say that boldly."

Shizuru watched me for a moment, then chuckled. "Now you're just being brazen."

"Well, the subtle Shizuru-Hime doesn't understanding anything less forceful," I complained, flushing slightly. "That's why I have to say the same things over and over, loudly and clearly so you don't misunderstand." I pushed off the wall, trying to find my courage. I'm not a weak person, I never have been that, so I will. "Then, and now, you're the most important person to me."

Shizuru didn't turn away as I thought she might; though she looked like she was considering it. A complex and unreadable expression played out on her face, which was taut and slack at the same time. Even like this, she's still fighting herself and her sincerity.

I snorted, trying to cover my blush. "I still don't regret that, despite your best efforts, so just give up and be happy already. Shoving you into submission is getting tiring."

"Well, you're certainly very forceful to a sick girl. I should expect nothing less of Natsuki, after all."

"Naturally," I said, feeling a little disappointed. "Especially if you're only 'sick' when it suits you in the first place."

"But I'm a little tired as well." Shizuru looked up at me. "I've already described my feelings, which aren't simple or easy… and I'm still afraid that who I was in the Carnival hasn't really changed. I'm still so sick with fear that I can barely move. If I ever hurt you again, I don't think I could bear that without breaking. So… for me… it's the same thing that you said, as well." She closed her eyes. "It's dangerous for both of us, for me to be around you. I'd be safer and better off if I never saw you again."

I tried to find some smart reply to that, and failed miserably. So much for instinct. "Well, at least you're honest for once," I muttered, scowling. It hurt, but less than I'd thought it would. Not because I could accept her words, but because I was already determined to make her give up anyway.

"But, maybe that's fine," Shizuru said, raising her head again. She smiled a little. "I'm not a strong person, and I'm not kind person, either. I'm not a person who can make promises any more, either. But, I'll try, little by little. If I'm around you, I feel that something I'd previously considered impossible shouldn't be. That's the dangerous thing you do to me."

"Now you're being dramatic," I said weakly, looking away. "It's a bad habit of yours, you know."

"I know. I'll try my best with that, as well."

"And hurry up with it, too," I added. "How long do you think I've been waiting for, already? If it's I am, I am not, I am definitely not a patient person. So you should take responsibility."

"I'll bear that in mind. But." Shizuru focused on my face, eyes serious. "You should remember that my feelings haven't changed. I will do my best to be the friend you need me to be, all the same."

Yeah, if it's a contest of dramatic proclamations, there's no way I can win in the end. And my feelings when she said that, I certainly expected to have a mixed and untidy reaction to that love of hers. But it was my doubts, not my fears, which were striking in that moment. They weren't the ones I'd expected.

It's too easy to get caught up in the moment, after all. Perhaps this is how Mai managed to walk around in circles caught between two guys for so long, this serious and earnest stuff isn't easy to deal with. I mean, it's about our society. It's always so rare where someone speaks really seriously and commits themselves to something, after all, so you can't help but blink and notice whenever that happens. Wasn't Takeda the same? At least I had a clear resolve in that case, I guess, but when it's Shizuru I've never been very clear of anything. She's that kind of person, ambiguous. Hardly surprising, all things considered. And for us two, as well, when we have to cover ourselves at all times, and we try to take things lightly all the time, because it's the only way to accept our past and what we don't like about ourselves, it's completely different when we talk straight. Because of that, at least, I'll always have to pause for thought. This is where my prized instinct runs out.

Either way.

Yep, stepping from rock onto quicksand sucks, after all.

"Natsuki?" Shizuru asked.

"Sorry," I said quickly. "I was just- well, I know that. It's fine."

"Ahh," Shizuru said vaguely, looking away. "I know. I'm-"

"Apologise one more time and I will knock you out," I said, slightly flustered. I'd totally given her the wrong impression, again. So much for the value of good intentions. "You've been doing that too much recently, no matter how many times I tell you to stop it."

"Sorry."

I was going to say something very rude indeed, and then I noticed that she was smiling. I snorted instead, crossing the room and throwing myself into the chair opposite her. "As long as you bear that in mind," I said warningly.

"But you know, you really should do some work."

"That doesn't suit you, either! I forbid you to tell me to do work!"

"That one, I can't accept," Shizuru replied. "It's a lot of fun to reproach you gently, after all."

"Always with the excuses to tease me. You're obsessive." Our eyes met, and we both smiled. It was very easy and comfortable to fall into that routine. Playing with each other, cat and mouse, and playing with words as well. Gentle teasing, fluttering and light. And I'm sure that's fine, in a small and meaningless way. But is that enough?

Man, how am I supposed to know? Why doesn't someone else tell me, already? I'm running out of answers.

Sometimes I think that it's a little unfair, really. Even if it was I, did I really deserve this?

"But yeah… I'm sure I actually had something to talk about." Natsuki scratched her cheek, looking twitchy. "I got a little side-tracked."

Even after rejection, flame, hell and endless regrets, I can't look upon her face and say any honest truth but that one. My love for her, still so stubborn and defiant and miserable and undying.

"That was a very long way to be side-tracked," I said lightly, forcing a smile. "And if that was a minor topic, I have no idea what matter of celestial importance Natsuki considers the main subject of this conversation. God, perhaps?"

"Yeah, yeah," Natsuki replied quietly. "It isn't as important. It's totally your fault for being stubborn again."

"Sorry."

"I'm not going to rise to that, because now you're definitely just trying to annoy me," Natsuki said, glaring at me with that stern gaze of hers. "I guess this is payback for earlier."

And I tremble inside, but not out of fear. "Perhaps," I admitted, smiling and giggling gently. I held my hand in front of my mouth, but this time I managed to control myself before I started to cough my lungs up.

"Definitely, and without doubt," Natsuki said, turning her head away with a sulky pout.

She's not a picture hung on the wall of my heart. Her everything, moment by moment, strikes deeper and deeper, never recalled so sharply as when I remind myself of those worlds. Moving, not static. Flowing like a river of tears, and ten thousand times more beautiful. She isn't anything like an angel or a goddess, either. Just a human girl, so tangled and contradictory and imperfect and mesmerising. It's her motion, her delightful whimsy personality that holds my gaze on her face. "So?" I asked lightly. "What is it that you wanted to talk about?"

She shrugged, coughing slightly. "Well, I guess you could call it a favour, or something. I don't know, though."

Free and bold and so alive. I could never hold her, not because she is above me in any way, but because she's so overwhelmingly herself. Someone who makes the world go at her pace by stubborn, awkward force of will.

"Well?" I asked, forcing my expression into another blank smile. "I can't read minds to grant favours, I'm afraid. Even if it's from Natsuki's open and honest face."

She blushed, as I thought she might, and gave me a look. "I was getting to that, already. Jeez. But, you know, I was talking to Mai earlier…"

Thank you for your hard work, Okasama. I'm a little incensed that you can get Natsuki to do something, though. That feels like it should be my prerogative.

Not that I'm very good at it either, but I try harder.

"Ara? Is she well?"

"She's fine, the same as ever. You know her, she's not the kind of person who really changes very much." Natsuki shrugged, smiling slightly. "Oh, and she thanked you for the suggestion with Reito. Apparently, that's working out well for everyone."

"I'm glad," I replied briefly. And this feeling, as well. Everything about this is a little ridiculous, but being just a little jealous of Mai-chan is the stupidest thing at all. Normally, I wouldn't see as any kind of threat, and on top of that, she's Tate-kun's boyfriend. Sadly, my logic decamps in Natsuki's presence, and I'm just stuck with these muddled emotions.

"Now she's complaining about Takumi, actually," Natsuki said, smiling slightly. "Apparently they don't see each other very much now, because he's so busy with his girlfriend. You know, the ninja assassin boy-girl."

"That's a little ironic, considering it was Mikoto-chan before," I said lightly. But it's not that I regard Mai as an explicit rival, after all. Natsuki wouldn't consider it either. I just want to monopolise her time, even as I try to push her away. Isn't that nonsensical?

"Right? I said that, as well, and she said something about never sexually assaulting Takumi."

I frowned, trying to concentrate. Small problems would be useful to distract myself. I need to pull myself together, for her sake. I shouldn't get twisted up in this just because she said some kind things. "Nothing occurs immediately, as this is a more delicate case," I said quietly. "In the first case, it's probably not one-way, is it? Mai-chan has Tate-kun, after all."

"You don't have to think of a solution or anything," Natsuki said hastily. "She said it wasn't a big deal in the first place."

"Is that so?" I asked quietly. "But just leaving it will probably annoy me all afternoon, though."

Natsuki sighed, smiling at me. She relaxes so fast, even if she's around me. "A carry-over from your days as Kaichou, still a control freak."

Or else she's better at hiding herself now, and my sight worse. Either way, I appreciate the gesture.

"I was never a control-freak," I protested. "That's a little unfair. In fact, several people would say that delegation was all I was good at."

"Not the same thing," Natsuki said. "Even if you delegated everything, you knew what would happen, right? You still had everything under control."

I laughed. "Well, that's only partly true, when Suzushiro-san's personal qualities consistently exceeded even my expectations. She was and remains a truly brazen person."

"You counted on that as well, though," Natsuki said reproachfully. "Anyway, that's not important. Where was I?"

"Mai-chan and her brother," I replied promptly.

"Right. Well, that isn't the point. Because… you know… Mai's Mai," Natsuki said evasively. "They aren't planning to go anywhere in the summer, which seems like a bit of a pity. So I was wondering whether it would be okay for them to come here?" She looked away quickly. "I mean, it's your call. It's your house, and all. Though Viola seemed okay with it."

"Okasama did?" I said, in my best surprised voice. "That's a little unexpected."

"Yeah," Natsuki admitted, looking embarrassed.

"I suppose she's a little lonelier than she lets on, and wants some company around the house," I replied thoughtfully. "I've never brought friends home before, after all."

"Really?" Natsuki asked, blinking at me. "Never?"

"Of course," I replied amicably. "If I had, it would have been you anyway. But I don't think you'd have found our rather strange ways easy to accept."

"So some things haven't changed. But that's not important. I was thinking… Mai, Tate, Mikoto, Reito… and I guess Shiho would have to come as well," Natsuki said. "But you don't have to."

"That sounds fine," I said, smiling easily. "You shouldn't be so bashful about asking, either. I'll persuade Otousama, and that should be fine."

"Okay. Thanks, Shizuru."

Always, always that sincere smile. Like a rare butterfly, an elusive and beautiful expression. I shook my head. "It's nothing, after all. You're just being too diffident about it. Just say things loudly and clearly, right?"

Natsuki flushed slightly, turning her head away. "Yeah, right…"

I laughed at that expression, and started to cough again. It's not pleasant, when laughing hurts. Relishing the subtle ironies and outright ridiculousness of this world is important.

Natsuki watched me worriedly for a moment, waiting for me to stop. "Honestly," she repeated, more gently than before. "What are you going to do now?"

I leaned forwards despite myself, managing to prod her on the shoulder across the distance between us. "Make you do some work, of course. We still have a little time before dinner, and I think you've run out of material for stalling. So give up without a struggle!"

"Hey, get off," Natsuki complained, trying to squirm away. "I told you, didn't I? I don't want to hear that from you anyway-"

"Ojou-sama."

I blinked, turning away and composing myself. It wasn't Hideko, either, but one of the household maids I barely knew. A little embarrassing. "Yes?" I asked, keeping my tone even. "What is it?"

"A message from Viola-sama, Ojou-sama," the maid remarked, bowing her head. "Shinri-sama has been tied down with work again, and will not be home until a very late hour."

"I see," I replied. "Thank you for the message."

She bowed and withdrew, and that's when I fell back in my seat and started laughing softly.

"Shizuru?" Natsuki asked. "What are you doing now?"

"Nothing," I replied, glad that my mirth had been too low-key to start another fit. "It's just a little ironic, that's all. I suppose this is karma."

"Huh?" Natsuki blinked, giving me a puzzled look. Then she frowned slowly. "What, did you-"

"It isn't important," I replied. "It's a little moot now. Perhaps I'll go back to sleep."

Natsuki sighed heavily. "You know, I don't get that in the first place. You weren't planning to fight or anything, right?"

"Not even I'm that rash," I replied. "But…" I stopped and sighed. "Well, its not new that circumstance and personality has made it hard for me to prove myself to him."

"What do you have to prove to him anyway?"

"Rather less than I have to prove to you and myself, so think nothing of it." I leaned back, sighing. "I still have a long way to go."

Natsuki pouted. "Sometimes I think you don't listen to me at all."

"No, I listened to you." I glanced at her through half-closed eyes. "What I said is a completely different concept from not going anywhere at all."