Chapter Twenty-Five: Keeping the Promise
(End of April, 1996)
Professor Snape sat on his bed. He had just finished eating his dinner in the Great Hall, and had slowly walked to his own room. Today had been a difficult day. That was normal- there were always some days that were harder than others. Some days where it was much tougher to cope with it, or cope without, rather. Without her.
Some days he would sit at his office for hours and wonder how his life had turned out the way it had. On his own. The only reason he was still alive was because of him. Because of Lily- he still loved her. That was his purpose; that was the promise he had made to Dumbledore. Oh, but sometimes, keeping that promise was the most difficult task. He didn't want to do it anymore.
She had changed him for the better. He remembered the first time he had time-travelled and seen his future self, with his frightening demeanour and sneering tone. And when Hermione had asked him if anybody really liked Professor Snape, it had struck a chord in him. So when he finally became a teacher at Hogwarts, he was as kind to students as possible as he remembered Hermione's words in his head. However, he couldn't help feel a slight resentment towards Harry. He was the reason that he still had to live, after all. The whole of Severus' life was for him. And he hated it; all he wanted was to have a happy ending with the girl he loved. But as were most of the things Severus wished for, it was impossible.
She had given him happiness, albeit for a short while. But it had been the best happiness, the purest happiness. And he wouldn't change that for the world. Sometimes, he would find himself staring at her in his lessons, to the point where he could feel tears welling up in his eyes. He missed her, so much. He hated to think about the day he had last seen her as a sixteen-year-old. The memory was too painful.
Severus then got up from his bed and slammed his fist into the poster of his bed, which left his knuckles red and sore. Of course it would never work, Severus told himself bitterly. She would never like me now. Severus had previously hoped that even if he couldn't be with Hermione as a sixteen-year-old, he could be with her in the future. Even if he was much older, if she liked him then, perhaps she would like him now? Severus shook his head at the thought. He was furiously angry at himself for thinking up such a ludicrous idea. How could anybody even give him a second glance, with the way he was now? With his greasy long hair and lifeless eyes. Although…
Severus thought back to the morning Hermione had sat with him to eat breakfast. She hadn't seemed that disgusted by him then. But that was hardly a sign of encouragement. So, Severus had given up. Instead of hoping, he spent his days reminiscing. Reminiscing every conversation, they'd ever had, every touch they'd every shared- although there were hardly any. He hadn't even had the chance to kiss her, Severus reminded himself in anguish.
He was brought out of his thoughts from a frantic knocking at the door. Severus sighed, couldn't he just be left alone? But he forced a smile on his face, as that was the right thing to do. Hermione had taught him that.
"Yes?" Severus asked pleasantly as he opened the door to reveal Professor McGonagall. "Has there been more commotion in the Slytherin common room?"
McGonagall shook her head. "No Severus. It's much worse than that."