"Hinanawi Chikio! Your actions are utterly unforgivable."
Tenshi snarled at the use of her old name, but she couldn't interrupt. The person chewing her out was her dad's boss after all. As meaningless as the term was for a group of people who didn't DO anything.
The old man stood and began to pace slowly as he listed off her faults. "You've been using the Sword of Hisou for personal entertainment. You have allowed the number of earthquakes to drop below their required number. You've been out fighting and sometimes even LOSING to earthly beings. And worst of all you allowed an oni to reside in heaven without even trying to remove her." The man stopped and looked down at her. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I'm sorry about losing," she replied before muttering under her breath. "The yama's lectures were way more impressive though."
The man's eyes shot open as he overheard her muttering, but he didn't say anything. Invoking the Yamaxanadu's name was bad luck to those superstitious cowards, so he had to settle for scowling down at her. Her parents were of course mortified, but that was a standard occurrence.
After a few awkward moments he folded his courtier's fan and struck up his 'magnanimous ruler' pose. "I am a reasonable man however, and I believe I have decided on a fitting punishment for your transgressions." He waved, and two servants came forward with a basket filled with paper slips. "As you know tanabata was just a few days ago, and we celestials have a tradition of granting a few worthy people their wishes." The man's smile widened. "Since you've spent so much time with the earthly creatures, granting three of these wishes shouldn't be hard at all right?"
Tenshi groaned. She tried to think of something worse than trying to play matchmaker to the residents of Gensoukyo and found herself struggling. Still one of the things on that list was sitting here and listening to her dad's boss chew her out more. "Sure, I'll do it."
The man blinked at her easy acceptance. "Um, very well then." He motioned the two attendants to bring her the basket. "Make sure you do this properly. The dragon palace will be evaluating the results this year."
She winced at the thought of another lecture if she screwed this up. At least she didn't need to worry about being the worst performer. There were plenty of lazy celestials who found 'no worthy wishes.' Sighing she started looking through the paper slips. There was a lot of the usual crap about 'finding a girl/boyfriend,' and 'making lots of money.'
At the next slip she paused, then slowly started to smile. She'd forgotten something very important. Maybe this work wouldn't be so bad after all.
"Alright! Gotta go! There are wishes to fill!"
Mokou looked over at her eternal rival. She was honestly tempted to start a fight right then and there, but the bamboo forest was dry from the summer heat, and while the rabbits that had accompanied the princess out on her walk were already running away, they'd be back with reinforcements soon.
Instead she settled for distant politeness. "Hello, princess. It's not like you to go out without a guard or ten."
"Eirin was getting a little stifling. I wanted to get out on my own for a bit." Kaguya sniffed. "So if it's all the same to you could we skip the usual festivities? I'd really rather not have her think of more reasons to stay inside."
"So long as you keep her from shooting me when she shows up sure," Mokou replied.
The two stood there glaring at each other awkwardly. Mokou had come to suspect that Kaguya enjoyed their violent murder fests as much as she did. And she had to admit to herself that the long grudge that had motivated her wasn't burning as brightly as before. But she really couldn't communicate with the princess per say.
Mokou's ruminations were cut short by a sudden downpour. She sputtered as the foul tasting liquid drenched her from head to toe. Across the way she heard Kaguya squawk in protest as a similar fate befell her. Mokou looked up to see a smug looking woman in celestial raiments smiling down at them.
"Two wishes, fulfilled," the woman said gleefully as she struck a match.
Mokou had just enough time to register that the liquid covering her smelled suspiciously like gasoline before the woman dropped the flame.
The fumes ignited immediately setting both of them on fire. In the part of her brain that wasn't screaming about burning to death, Mokou came to the sneaking suspicion that wishing that Kaguya die in a fire might not have been the best Tanabata wish. Then again apparently her foe had similar ideas.
She was pondering what that meant from a moral standpoint when she finally managed to die.
Marisa ducked the sweeping laser from Patchouli's spell. "Come on Patchy, don't get so worked up. You have two of these anyway."
"It's the principle you thieving rat," Patchouli muttered darkly before sending more homing bullets towards her.
Marisa weaved through those and over a laser before raining down some magic missiles at the older witch. "Sorry sorry. It's just this one spell. I'll return it when..."
Strong hands grabbed her from behind. Marisa yelped, then flailed as someone pulled her off her broom. "What the heck Sakuya, this is cheating!"
"Not Sakuya," Tenshi replied. Marisa froze up. She had no idea why the celestial was here, but she knew one thing: This was going to suck.
Sure enough she was soon hurtling through the air towards a rapidly expanding purple figure. She hit a soft object that "Mukyuu"ed rather loudly before the two of them slammed into the ground. Physical wards were a very good thing she idly mused as her brain attempted to reboot from impact.
She'd just managed to recover enough to realize her face was buried in Patchouli's cleavage and begin to blush when the horrific snap of a camera shutter sounded through the library. There was an excited flutter of bat wings, as a familiar familiar's voice calle out, "Excuse me Miss Patchouli, but I need to run an errand to Alice's~. I'll be back in a jiffy."
Her face was burning as she pushed herself off of Patchouli to flop on the floor. She managed to glance at the other magician long enough to confirm that Patchouli was blushing slightly as well, though probably not as bad as she was. "Uh... truce until we stop Koakuma?"
"Truce until we stop Koakuma and kill that Celestial," Patchouli replied quietly.
"Deal."
Kotohime jumped as a bound youkai slammed into the ground next to her. "Wha-!" The self proclaimed police officer spun around looking for the culprit of this heinous crime. "Who did this!"
Unfortunately the guilty party did not immediately come forward. A shameful act that only added to their crimes, Kotohime mused. Sighing Kotohime turned to the victim. "Well I suppose we should free you."
The black and white haired woman who had been tied up muttered something into her gag and glared at her. Kotohime frowned at the disrespect. "Hey now, I'm trying to help." She wondered if there was a law allowing her to arrest people for not properly thanking their rescuers.
Her response was only another muttering and an increase in thrashing from the bound woman. "Hm..." As the woman struggled in her bonds a thread of memory slowly began to surface. "Ah!"
Kotohime looked over the woman again then scrambled over to where the bounties were listed. There pinned to the wall was the face of the 'victim' framed by the words "Wanted : Alive but roughed up. Seija Kijin."
It was too good to be true. She grabbed the poster then ran over to place it next to the woman's face. A perfect match! "Aha!" She jumped for joy, then realized that was improper for the face of justice. "Ahem!" She stood up straight then crossed her arms. "You've been a bad girl haven't you Seiji Kijin! I'm placing you under arrest!"
For some reason the figure looked slightly happier at her declaration. Still that wasn't going to stop a true policewoman like Kotohime! She slung the criminal over her shoulder and began heading to the main office. This was going to be her biggest bust yet!
Yuugi took a deep drink from her sake dish before looking over at the small woman who was challenging her. "You really want to go one on one with me kid? This isn't actually Gensoukyo you know. If you want to go one on one with an oni for real there are consequences. You lose and I get to abduct you." Yuugi cracked her knuckles. "Been a while since I abducted a celestial too. I might get a little enthusiastic."
The girl hesitated at that and Yuugi let out a small sigh. Too bad. Yuugi had almost been looking forward for an all out drag out duel. Still she waited. Maybe the girl would have something to entertain her.
"Uh, well, I kinda know Suika, and she'd get mad if I killed you. And I'm preeeety sure it'd be violating the spirit of the wish. At least that's what the high ups would say." Tenshi coughed. "Also I have something I need to do after this. Which I can't do if I'm abducted."
"Well that's kinda the point of abducting people," Yuugi said. "But let's compromise. I win you're mine for a week after a couple of days. You win you get to brag about it forever and demand any one thing from me."
Tenshi bit her lip, then looked down at the slip and back to Yuugi. Yuugi could almost see the gears spinning in the young celestial's head. 'The bet isn't that big. And I can take an oni right? Besides I can't back down from this...' Yuugi had seen that kind of self deception over and over through the years. Still her foe was a celestial this time. If nothing else she knew the woman was tough.
Finally Tenshi smiled. "Alright! I accept. Let's do this!"
Yuugi finished her drink then set her dish aside. It would be terrible if the artifact got chipped after all. "All right. Let's see what you got." Yuugi slammed down her foot, and the ground trembled. "This cavern can take a lot of shaking, so let's cut loose!
Tenshi groaned as the water splashed on her face. "What happened?"
"I punched you. Repeatedly."
She groaned again as she recognized the voice. Her eyes flickered open to see Yuugi looking down at her with a big smile. The woman's shirt was dirty and there was a slight cut on her cheek, but from the pounding in Tenshi's head it was obvious who'd gotten the worst of the fight.
Tenshi pushed herself upright and looked around. She was in the underground city, on a rooftop near the castle. There was a party going on downstairs of course, but up here was sorta quiet. The pounding in her head was even starting to recede. Celestial healing was a nice thing to have.
She looked over at Yuugi and sighed. "I don't suppose my great efforts mean you'll let me off without paying my end of the bargain?"
"Nope!" Yuugi replied happily. "It's no fun if nothing's on the line." The oni tossed her a small pouch. "But I'll give you these to finish your job properly."
Tenchi tentatively opened the pouch to find two uncooked beans. Shrugging she ate them. To her surprise her aches and pains started fading away. "Wow. They're like the peaches of heaven."
Yuugi laughed. "Ah, so that's why you carry one. Next time we fight you might wanna actually use it." The oni's smile widened. "For that matter you might wanna bring down a sack or two when you drop by to pay your debt. Maybe we can make a proper drink out of them."
"Right." Tenshi sighed and stretched as she attempted to get her bearings. Her body was feeling better, which meant she could complete the final phase of her plan, which was...
She groaned again as she remembered what her final plan was. "Why do all my plans involve me getting beaten up? Maybe Iku was right when she said I was becoming a masochist."
"Sounds like you think you need some karmic retribution? Try doing less evil. Or caring less about being evil," Yuugi said.
"Hmph. I'd rather be out and out evil then incompetent like the do nothings at the top," Tenshi muttered. Shrugging she hopped into the air. "Well anyway, I better do this fast before that crazy sun bird heads home. She might be able to beat me in my current state."
Yuugi laughed. "She might indeed. That girl's tough enough to make me try a little in my fights." The oni pulled out a sake bottle and started pouring. "Have fun with your job. And remember, be here ready to drink four days from now at sunset, or I'll go hunting for you with Suika."
"Nice to know I warrant you bringing backup," Tenshi sighed before flying towards the palace.
As she approached the building she tried to guess what would be the best way to break in. The palace was huge, and filled with informants who'd reveal her arrival to the master of the place. Worse as soon as she found her target a fight would break out.
In the end she decided on the brazen approach. After all only the bird and the cat could possibly stop her. She went to the front door, and knocked.
There was a long pause before the door opened revealing one of the two people she didn't want to see. "Yeah, what is it sis?" Orin asked coldly.
"Greetings denizen of hell," Tenshi said in her best official voice. "I'm here as a representative of the heavens to grant the wishes of honest people."
Orin slammed the door shut.
Tenshi blinked for a moment before hammering on the door again. "Wait damn it. I'm here to help your master, not kill her. No one cares enough to make those kind of wishes about satori anymore."
There was a pause, then the door opened a creak again. "Alright sis, I suppose I can let you in. Especially since there's no way a mind like yours can actually kill a satori."
"Thanks," Tenshi replied with a roll of her eyes. She didn't mention to the kassha that her sword probably could kill youkai protected with limited invulnerability. It would give the wrong ideas about the visit.
The wisdom in her choice was quickly made evident by the twisting and turning path Orin took them to get through the castle. There was no way Tenshi could have figured out where to look on her own. In fact it took Orin ten minutes to locate Satori herself. The underground youkai was in a sitting room reading when they walked in.
Of course as soon as Satori saw her the youkai's three eyes widened. "Hm...? Tanabata wish? Perfect setup. Wait- KIDNAPPING ME?"
Tenshi took this as her cue to blast the cat and grab her target. With luck she'd have bought enough time to make it to the surface.
Hatate was busy looking through her camera for the best photos for her paper when a dark red catgirl burst through the door.
"That stupid celestial's kidnapped Satori and broken into the shrine and I don't know what she's doing but you better help out damn it!" Orin yelled at her while waving her arms frantically.
Hatate was out the door and halfway up the mountain before she realized she didn't have the foggiest clue what was actually going on. Slowing down she turned to the kassha. "Wait, WHO kidnapped Satori? And which shrine?"
A white blur that she barely was able to recognize as Momiji flew past her towards the Moriya shrine. Orin pointed after the wolf tengu. "Tenshi and that shrine."
"Right." Hatate returned to flying blindly into danger. She'd beat the answers out of that blue haired nitwit.
Iku floated down before the masses of celestials. She felt slightly nervous speaking to them, especially given she was lower ranked. Still she was acting on behalf of the dragon palace, which meant they couldn't attack her for her words. Probably.
"I have been sent to announce the findings of the dragon palace in respect to the Tanabata wishes," she stated to the crowd. Most of them just nodded in boredom. "This year we had more Celestials participate than ever before, due to the larger number of celebrants. However the number of wishes granted was less than ever before."
She cleared her throat and the whispers began. Usually that pronouncement was followed by a short disclaimer that the Dragon Palace didn't blame those responsible for not finding enough worthy celebrants. The lack of that face saving statement was apparently noticed.
Iku continued. "This year there was one person who's actions stood out more than others. The dragon palace would require Hinanawi Tenshi step forward."
At this point the murmuring turned into a dull rumble. Tenshi's family was not well regarded in heaven, and the eldest daughter's antics were starting to become famous. The sneering grin Tenshi wore as she moved to the front of the crowd only intensified the muttering.
Iku coughed again and took a deep breath before continuing. "Hinanawi Tenshi, your actions were some of the most shameful that the dragon palace has ever seen. You killed two of your wishers, got involved in seven fights, started two major diplomatic incidents, and caused incalculable havoc in heaven's name. Never before has someone brought so much chaos and mayhem to these proceedings. The stain you've given to the reputation of the heavens will linger for decades." Tenshi shrugged at Iku's pronouncements while the crowd began to either laugh or sneer at the young celestial.
"We find ourselves furious at your actions, and would punish you with our full might," Iku paused before finishing, "were it not for the fact you granted more wishes and spread more happiness than all the other Celestials combined."
Dumbstruck silence fell at Iku's pronouncement. Even Tenshi seemed confused. "Wow. You guys were really that dull?"
Iku fought to keep from smirking as she finished the proclamation. "Thus we are forced to, grudgingly, give you some manner of commendation. Or in this case, pardon for your actions. We merely demand that you pay your debt to the oni."
"That is all." Iku closed the scroll.
Tenshi turned to the crowd. "Ha! I might be a failure, but you're all bigger losers." She stuck out her tongue and then dropped through the clouds of heaven towards earth.
Iku took the chaos at Tenshi's passing to beat her own retreat, shaking her head all the way. "What will we do with you eldest daughter?"
Still she found she was smiling as well.
Eirin finished writing down the medical data before looking over at her houseguest. "I have to thank you for the help you've given me. Reisen's a fine assistant, but I need her for my work. Having her stay and help here would have set me back days."
"No no no. I have to thank you. After all it's not like you had a lot of reasons to trust me," Keine replied.
"Well given the circumstances I think we have the same goals for once," Eirin said. "In fact I'd say there's no one in Gensoukyo I could trust more with this task."
Keine's response was interrupted by a pounding on the plastic tank. Eirin turned to see Mokou and Kaguya both glaring angrily at them. "Eirin Yagokoro! As your princess I ORDER you to let us out!" Kaguya yelled.
Eirin shook her head. "I'm afraid I can't let you out until I'm certain you've been cured of your terminal stupidity. Don't worry. I think it should be past in about a week."
"Come on Keine! I told you the forest fire wasn't our fault! You have to believe me," Mokou said.
"Actually it was your fault," Keine replied primly. "Which is why I'm here to force you children to learn to play nicely together."
The two imprisoned hourai immortals growled then turned to plot together in the corner of their enclosure. Eirin nodded happily and made a checkmark. It seemed they were finally starting to learn how to work together.
It wasn't exactly how she'd hoped her Tanabata wish to go, but results were what mattered right?
Alice sipped her tea as the devil sitting before her sweated. Finally she set the cup down and addressed Koakuma directly. "I admit I'm mildly happy that Marisa and Patchouli are back on friendly terms after their last fight. But I don't know why you think I'd pay you for the pictures you're using to annoy them."
Koakuma smiled. "Well, I mean, I know that Shanghai occasionally pulls out a camera when one of my pranks goes really right and I based on that outside world manga you keep beneath your-" Alice ended the statement with a bullet to the demon's face.
After another sip of tea while Koakuma dragged herself upright, Alice said, "Once again, I don't know why you think I'd pay you for the pictures you're using to annoy them."
"I suppose you do have your own film," Koakuma sighed.
Alice sighed, but kept to her tea. There were some battles that just couldn't be won against a devil.
Hatate shuffled the deck of cards as she looked around the 'safe house.' "Wait, what do you mean you're stuck here for another week?"
Satori sighed. "Apparently this whole mess officially broke the treaty the aboveground and belowground youkai have, so Yukari needs to gather all the youkai leaders together to sign it again." Satori shrugged. "The bickering shouldn't be too bad. It just will take a while to get all the head youkai to admit its not a trap and gather together."
"Which also means I have to stand guard," Momiji said.
"Hm, I suppose it might be a nice vacation for you, especially since your girlfriend is also guarding us as a representative of the temple," Satori said with a smile. Hatate also smirked as Sanae blushed.
Orin on the other hand was still frowning as her tails lashed. "And me and Okuu are staying here as well." Her eyes turned to Momiji. "Not that I don't like you sis, but you're loyal to the tengu first."
Momiji nodded calmly. "Absolutely correct. I understand that your loyalty requires you stand guard as well."
"Unyuu," Okuu shook her head. "All this guarding stuff is annoying. Can't I just blow up the bad guys?"
Orin groaned. "It's not that simple, birdbrain. Just consider it a trip to the surface."
"Okay!" Okuu said.
Hatate started dealing the cards. "Oh right. Thanks for dropping by to warn me Rin. I know you don't think highly of me so..."
Orin's tails lashed again. "I still don't. But I can at least trust you with Lady Satori."
Satori smiled as she looked between the two. "Ah, it's good to see you two finally getting along."
Orin flushed a little, but her embarrassment was cut off as Sanae looked over at them. "Wait, are you three really playing card games with a Satori? How does that even work?"
Tenshi slammed down the rock before looking down at the little ghost. "There. That's high enough." She frowned as the ghost seemed to waver. "What? Don't you trust me? Come on kid this rock pile's taller than most trees! Any taller and it'll start being a nuisance."
"It's sinful to ignore charity like that. You should accept the woman's words."
Tenshi and the little ghost child turned to see Shiki Eiki hovering next to the Sanzu. The ghost panicked and fled towards the shores where the ferrymen waited while Tenshi grimaced. There was sure to be a lecture coming. "Why'd you wander all the way out here, Yamaxanadu?"
"I was looking to encourage my subordinates to bring more souls, but when I saw you I decided I could spare a few moments to speak to you." The yama gently landed on the ground before walking over. "I've seen your recent exploits, and I'm not amused. Why can't your acts of charity be more selfless, like what you're doing here?"
Tenshi rolled her eyes. "Hey the work got done right? I'm apparently better than the rest of those losers."
"Don't get too full of yourself." Shiki slapped her rod into her palm. "There are plenty of celestials who perform their jobs well, in addition to covering for the incompetence of their colleagues. You just don't see them because you spend your time with the lazy layabouts. Those who I have expressed my disapproval towards."
"Really?" Tenshi asked. She'd never seen so much as a strongly worded letter.
Shiki glared at her. "I don't send people up to heaven to collect your souls for my personal amusement. I also don't triple the number of shinigami assigned to that task when I'm pleased with performance."
Tenshi winced. "Oh." She shrugged. "Well most of them are total losers. Getting rid of a couple hundred might be a good thing."
"Perhaps. But I'm here to talk about you!" Shiki Eiki poked her in the chest. "While I find some relief that you're starting to develop a sense of responsibility, you still don't understand why your work is so important. It is not enough that you perform good deeds for the earth. The means with which you accomplish your actions are even more important!"
"I don't see why. So long as it gets done right?" Tenshi sniffed. "Why should I do things the boring way if I can get the same results by having fun?"
"Then what is the difference between you and a youkai?" Eiki demanded.
Tenshi blinked. "Uh... I'm a pure being of the heavens and they're a demon?"
"Wrong!" Eiki smacked her upside the head. "The difference is you are the embodiment of the Celestial Order while they are embodiments of chaos and whim! The entire point of the celestial kingdom is to keep things running while serving as an example to the realms below!"
The yama began pacing. "And that is the problem. The heavens are still running, but it is a cold clinical effectiveness. The people responsible for making the system good instead of merely competent are doing nothing."
Eiki sighed. "Except for you. You are defying the system, while performing its duties."
Tenshi blinked. She had a feeling there was a lot more to this lecture, and it probably involved things that she was supposed to have learned a while ago.
But honestly, she didn't care. "Yeah well if no one in the system can make it work maybe the system sucks."
Shiki Eiki, Yamaxanadu of Paradise glared at her. "You know, you may become the first celestial who goes to hell after they die instead of just losing their self. And the worst thing is I think you might be proud of that."
Tenshi turned away from the yama's judging gaze. This nonsense was too much thinking for her. "Yeah I am going to hell. I owe Yuugi a week's worth of partying. And since she wanted me to bring peaches I should start gathering them now. Later."
"I'm sure we will meet again, Fallen Celestial Hinanawi Tenshi. Quite certain. Please try not to pain me too much with your actions," Eiki said as Tenshi flew off.
"Fallen Celestial," Tenshi muttered as she flew away. "Well at least that sounds kinda cool."
She mulled it over a bit before tossing it from her mind. She had more important things to worry about after all. Like hangover cures. There was no way she'd wind up sober during this week.