Sacrifice

What does it mean to give up one thing for another? I'd like to think sacrifice is a good name for it. I should have known that I wouldn't get Derek back without it having a cost. I just realized what my cost was. My daughter. I never stopped to think about her until weeks after being sent back in time. She wasn't alive in this world. I'm a horrible mother. I love Derek more than I love my own flesh and blood. How could that be true? I want him more than anything. I never thought of myself as selfish, but that's exactly what I am. I gave up Cassey's life for Derek's. It's a cruel world, and it makes me want to scream at everyone and everything. We're leaving tonight, and I've been watching Derek closely. I'll be there with Derek tonight when he changes, just like before. Hopefully it will have the same effect that it had last time. He'll start to trust me. Then he'll start to love me.

That's rushing things I guess, but I miss my husband. The man I could kiss whenever I wanted and hold hands with when I was sad. What I missed most was waking up next to him every morning. It felt like I was in an ice box without his warm body next to mine. I miss him so much, and I cant do anything but wait. Simon has been wonderful, despite that I took away the love of his life, willingly. He understands, and said he would have done the same. I was surprised because I certainly wouldn't have been that understanding if the situations were reversed. That just shows what a good person Simon is, and how much better he is than me.

As I think through this Derek is sitting on the other side of the large media room, reading. I sigh loudly, and it comes out very dramatically. Derek glares at me, before returning to his book. The way he brushes me off makes me insecure. What if he doesn't want me after a second time? What if he wants someone better? I shift on the couch and take my hair out of its limp pony tail and run my fingers through it. It always got his attention before, of course he would have no idea I knew that. I feel the atmosphere tense and I look over at him, and he's staring at me in the way I've missed for so long. He looks at me like he wants me. I smile brightly and sit up, waiting for him to say something.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked exasperatedly. That wasn't the question I was expecting.

"Doing what?" I said, cautiously.

"Wasting your time on me? Surely Simon would be a whole lot better-" I cut him off my putting my hand over his mouth. He looked very confused. Then I realized my mistake. I got up way too fast. Inhumanly fast. I left my hand on his face, locking my eyes with his. He gasped in realization. Crap! This wasn't supposed to happen this way! Before I can say anything or make up an excuse he kisses me. I don't realize what he's doing, because I'm distracted by the kiss. I've been wanting this so much. Suddenly I feel his hand in the spot behind my neck. The spot that turn me off, in both senses right now. I push his hand away.

"No, don't." I say holding onto is hand. His eyes narrow.

"Why? Why would you want to be-"

"So I can defend my self! So no one has to die or get hurt because of me. I can control myself after fifteen years!" I say taking my frustrations out on him. This had always been a problem for him, even in the future.

"Chloe! that's the thing you haven't controlled yourself for fifteen years! Well at least your body hasn't!"

I stay silent as his words sink in. He does have a valid point. It'll hurt just like it did the first time. I wince, remembering the pain of my bones morphing into different forms.

"You're right, but I'll learn control again. don't even think about worrying about me." I threaten, he chuckles. I freeze at the sound. It's been so long since he has been happy enough to laugh! He feels me staring at him tensely and frowns.

"What's wrong?" He asked stepping closer to me.

"It's been so long since I've heard you laugh. So long. I miss it so much." I say and to my complete astonishment I burst into tears. Derek is speechless of course, but I turn away and wipe my tears away fiercely. I feel his arms go around me from behind and I lean into them.

"Sorry about the water works. I don't know what the hell that was." He sighs.

"I'm not the Derek you married in the future Chloe. Not yet anyway, for now that man is dead. You miss him." I turn around to face him, while still locked in his embrace.

" How did you know that? I want my family back. I want you back. You don't love me. You don't want, like you will. Do you know what's its like having to sleep alone after fifteen years of sleeping next to my own personal fireplace?" He shifts uncomfortably, but I'm past caring about embarrassment.

"I miss being a wife. I- I- miss you!" I bury my face into his chest, my whole body warm next to his.

"There's nothing to do except wait. You'll have to make do with me." He says it like that's a bad thing.

"Hey, I didn't mean that I don't want you here, I just wished we could fast forward a little. To when the war is over and I have you to myself." I smile at him widely.

"Chloe, its late. You should get some sleep before we leave." He sound suddenly exhausted. I notice his feverish eyes and how his muscles are jerking around under his skin, painfully. I push up his sleeve and press on the twitching part. He sighs in relief.

"I really hate this part about the condition. It's a pain." I smirk at him, while pushing him back onto the sofa. He sighs as I continue to massage the rest of his arm.

"I keep forgetting that you know everything about my …..condition." I laugh lightly at his hesitation to say the word. He yelps suddenly and I pause my hands.

"Sorry, habit." I was pushing is shirt up! I'd always done that for him when he was about to change.

"Habit?" he asked avoiding my gaze.

"yes, I always did that for you when you were about to change. It helped." he froze a little when I mentioned the change, but relaxed when I started working the painful muscles.

"Thanks, Chloe." he said closing his eyes.

"No problem. You did the same for me too." I said mischievously. He raised an eyebrow and opened his eyes.

"Really?"

"Yep, I practically made you the first time though, don't worry. You get over being insecure about me."

He flushed and looks away.

"I'm serious you know." I say pulling his face to meet mine.

"Everything works out." he stares at me trying figure something out.

"I believe you." I kiss him lightly and he sighs again and tries to pull away.

"Do you not want to kiss me?" I asked sadly.

"No it's just -" I press my mouth onto his now that me fears are quelled. Soon enough he returns it and takes control like I remember.

"You really need sleep, Chloe. According to you we'll have forever for this. Go to bed." He says pulling to my feet. I smile and kiss him on last time before opening the room me and Tori are sharing. I fall asleep with a smile on my face.