Hey guys, so I'm finally getting back into the grove of writing again and I can't wait to share these next couple of chapters with you all. Thank you so much for your understanding when I haven't been updating as much as I have in the past, I'm trying to be more consistent now I promise. Anyways, this chapter was inspired by the song "Winter White" by A Fine Frenzy, I hope you like it :)

Chapter 25: Winter White

The smoke of memories in my eyes
The real misleading kind, it comes in winter white
In holiday disguise, to sabotage my mind

Snowflakes trickle down from puffy clouds blanketing the December skies. Christmas may be a few weeks away, but the Holiday spirit was contagious in Rosewood. City sidewalks were lined with holly and bright lights as children made friends with the snowmen they built in the park. It was Spencer's favorite time of year, everyone was so happy for once forgetting about the stress of everyday life. There was no real worries to focus on, just the people you were thankful for. And this holiday season, she had a lot to be thankful for, a list starting with her best friends and ending with a certain blue-eyed boy who had captured her heart only a few months ago. She knew that his family didn't really do holidays, so she was determined to make this season extra special for both her and him.

He was hesitant at first, but after some begging he finally agreed to do something festive and now they were on their way to meet their friends in the park for some ice skating fun. Toby was quiet the whole way there, much like the way he had been more quiet than usual all week. Spencer could tell something was up, but she knew if she asked about it he would just make up some lame excuse and brush it off, so instead she was determined to show him the magic of the season.

But the closer and closer they got to the skating rink, the guiltier her conscious became.

"We don't have to do this if you don't want to," she finally broke the never-ending silence.

"No, we should go, you've been looking forward to this," Toby encouraged, but his voice sounded almost empty. Spencer scooted closer to him in the truck, resting her head on his shoulder, desperate to make him feel better somehow.

"But you don't, and I just want to make sure you have a good Christmas," Spencer added.

"Spencer, Christmas is weeks away, and it'll be the best Christmas season, as long as I get to spend it with you," he stated, his voice finally starting to sound somewhat normal again as he stated, "You've been looking forward to this, we're going."

"Okay, but if you change your mind we can always just go back to my house and watch a movie or something. Just you and me," she promised.

"Trust me I'll be fine, I actually like our friends, remember?" he reminded her as he pulled into the parking lot.

Dismiss the urge to reminisce, to miss your stupid kiss
The shot at happiness
It never did exist
And I don't care if it did

They marched across the snowbanks hand in hand, trying not to sink into the icy slush as they made their way toward the make-shift ice rink in the middle of the park where Hanna, Caleb, Aria and Emily were waiting for them.

"Glad you two could finally join us," Caleb said sarcastically as he took a sip of his hot chocolate.

"Caleb!" Hanna elbowed him in the gut, "It's fine, we had to wait for someone to wait in that long-ass line to get some hot chocolate anyways," she eyed Caleb harshly, obviously not happy with her boyfriend at the moment.

"Well, excuse me. I thought I was being a good boyfriend since someone kept on begging me to buy her one too," he eyed Hanna back as she took a sip of her own hot beverage.

"You're lucky you're cute," Hanna smirked at him, before forgiving him altogether as she placed a sweet kiss on his cheek.

"Guys, as much as we all love witnessing this hallmark moment, it's really cold and I've been waiting for months to finally be able to ice skate. It's my favorite part of the season," Aria reminded them, breaking up Hanna and Caleb's cuteness.

"Yeah, we have a mission. Toby's never been ice skating before and we need to show him how it's done," Emily added, smiling at Toby.

Spencer looked at Toby, surprised, he had never told her that he'd never been skating before. He avoided her glance, knowing exactly what she was thinking and wanting to dodge it all together so instead he just pointed toward the booth set up near the edge of the pond, "let's go get our skates," he suggested quickly.

"Um, actually we already rented ours while we were waiting for you guys," Hanna nodded down toward the skates sitting on a nearby bench.

"Oh, right," Toby followed her gaze, "well I guess you guys can get started and we'll go get ours," he said pulling Spencer behind him as his boots sloshed in the snow.

They picked out their skates and Toby promptly paid the man running the makeshift rental booth. They started lacing up their boots when Spencer finally got up the courage to ask him, "Why didn't you tell me you've never been ice skating before?" it wasn't like him to keep anything from her, no matter how minute or insignificant it seemed.

"You never asked," he answered simply, but her round mocha eyes were begging for another answer. He huffed a long sigh before giving in, "My family isn't like yours, Spencer. We don't have holiday traditions or celebrations. Hell, we're lucky if we're all in the same room on Christmas Eve. We get each other tiny presents that don't mean anything really. The holidays have always been a tough time at my house…especially since my mom…" his voice growing quiet as his thoughts drifted off.

'Cause I won't crack
And there's no turning back
Merry Christmas
Happy goddamn new year

Spencer felt awful making him recount how shitty his family was and how hard the holidays were for him. Instinctively she reached out, her hand squeezing his as she looked him dead set in the eye, "I'm sorry Toby," she said gently, "I promise, this year will be different. I'll be there for you through it all," she promised, his eyes finally connecting with hers. The amount of hurt in his eyes suddenly turning into hope.

"Can I teach you how to ice skate?" she smiled kindly.

"Yeah," he agreed quietly and stood up from the bench where he had tightly fastened his skates around his ankles before helping to pull Spencer up as well. They made their way toward the edge of the frozen pond, their friends calling out for them as they danced around in circles, showing off their impressive ability to balance while they skated around one another.

Spencer easily glided onto the ice, stopping after a few feet as she waited for Toby to join her. Hesitantly he put one foot in front of the other, trying to keep his balance while his arms swayed all around him making him look like an innocent child learning to skate for the first time. Spencer couldn't help but laugh at how adorable he was as he failed miserably at trying to look like he knew what he was doing. She skated toward him, holding out her hand for him to join her and he took it willingly. She smiled at him reassuringly, and he couldn't help but lose focus as her glistening smile distracted him. She looked like some sort of snow angel, wrapped up in a white coat with her soft brown hair framing her face perfectly. And with that smile of hers, his breath was nearly taken away. Before he knew it his feet were suddenly going two different directions, his legs spreading farther and farther apart. He panicked, jumping up in an attempt to keep his stance steady, but only causing him to fall down, pulling Spencer down with him as she landed flat on his chest.

Laughter erupted from around them as their friends gathered around, Caleb giving out his hand to Spencer to help her up and then to Toby. "Spencer I'm so sorry," Toby shook his head, embarrassed.

"Toby, don't worry about it, everyone falls at first," she tried to assure him. He laughed it off with the rest of their friends, trying his best to have a good time, if not for himself, then for his loving girlfriend by his side.

She so desperately wanted him to enjoy the holiday season, and she meant well, he knew she did, but she just didn't understand. Ever since his mother died a few years ago, the Holidays were never warm and fuzzy for him again. His father always started drinking more and more during the month of December, wanting to block out anything that reminded him of the memories of his late wife.

I see you everywhere
I see you everywhere I breathe
You are the devil king, the hell of my dreams
You're poisoning my sleep

The first year was the hardest for Toby, he asked his dad if they were going to do any of the traditions his mom had started with them like decorating the Christmas tree or making cookies, but his dad only yelled at him, telling him they had a new family now and new traditions as he took another swig of his whiskey. But the only new traditions with Toby's new step-mother and step-sister consisted of ignoring one another around the house the entire season, and on Christmas morning they would exchange a small gift before going their separate ways and forgetting about it all together.

Toby's Christmases as a child used to be full of the loving memories and traditions that Spencer had similarly envisioned for them this year. His mother would go crazy, saying the day after Thanksgiving was always her favorite because it was the start of the season. The whole family would decorate the entire house, make cookies and decorate them, go caroling, they made snow forts and snow angels, they took part in every typical tradition –just like out of a holiday movie. Those memories were some of Toby's favorites, he was so happy and felt so alive. Now that his mother was gone though, he felt lost in the season, preferring to forget about it all together. It was just easier to deal with that way.

And as much as he loved Spencer, he just wished that she would let him forget about it like usual. It just hurt too much to expect great things out of the season. After his first Christmas without his mother, Toby learned his lesson real fast –he couldn't expect the happy family memories to continue, at least not without his mother. She had held their family together like glue, and without her they fell apart. While Toby's step-mother did her best to hold their new family together, somehow Toby just didn't fit into her perfect family picture and he was always getting pushed off to the side when it came to her, or she would simply prefer to blame him for their family's troubles. It was amazing how she always ignored his father's drinking, and yet when Toby had done nothing wrong, he was getting yelled at for stupid shit, like being accused of drinking all of the beer in their house. The obvious answer was right in front of her, most likely passed out on the couch, yet she refused to acknowledge it.

And I won't crack
There's no turning back
But it's mighty sad

"Are you sure you're okay Toby?" Spencer's kind voice broke Toby from his thoughts as they glided around the ice in circles behind the others.

Toby had to admit, it wasn't easy at first but he really thought he was getting the hang of ice skating. But something was still missing. His thoughts were growing hazy and the empty feeling inside of him was starting to take over once more.

"Spencer, I love you and how you want to celebrate the season with me, but I just think I need to be alone," he told her honestly, avoiding her worried eyes.

"Okay, we'll leave," she sighed defeated before suggesting, "we can go back to my house and watch a movie."

"No, Spencer," Toby stopped on the ice, turning to look at her, he was slightly impressed with his new skills on the ice, "I don't think you understand, I need to be alone from everyone."

The sad look that crossed her face made Toby want to take back every word that just escaped his mouth. He hated to see her sad, and the fact that he was causing it only made him feel that much worse for it. But her face quickly morphed into kind and understanding, "Okay, baby. I'll get a ride home from Emily."

Relief swept over him as she agreed to let him go, he loved her but he desperately needed to get away from the happiness around him. It only made his grief for his mother and her memory worse.

"I love you," she told him sweetly, kissing him quickly on the cheek, "call me tonight, okay?"

"Yeah, okay. I love you too," he said, his voice turning hoarse, "tell the others I'm sorry."

"Okay, I will... And Toby, please call me?" she asked again, worry filling her voice.

"I will, I promise," he said before carefully turning on his skates toward the edge of the rink where he took off his skates and returned them promptly before heading to his truck and driving away. Spencer watched as his old rusty truck disappeared away from her, and she couldn't help but wonder how long it would be until he would really let her in on what was bothering him. She knew that his family wasn't really much for celebrating any holiday, but she didn't know much more than that. She wished more than anything that Toby would finally talk to her about it, she was growing tired of his subdued quiet and everything she did in hopes of changing his mood didn't seem to work. Running low on options and patience, Spencer wondered what the final straw would be before she would confront him.

But alas, she knew that day wouldn't come. She could never ask him when he wasn't ready to talk about it, but she prayed that the day he was ready to open up would come soon. She sighed sadly for him, ready to turn back to her friends, when a perky blonde appeared at her side without her realizing.

"Is he okay?" Hanna asked, following Spencer's eyes as she watched Toby walk away.

"I don't know," she answered honestly, "he won't talk to me and just said that he needs to be alone."

Throwing her arm around her best friend's shoulder, Hanna turned Spencer toward the rest of the group as she said encouragingly, "he'll come around, he just needs time."

"You're probably right," Spencer agreed, meeting up with the rest of the group who watched as Aria spun around in a circle as if she was a tiny dancer.

They stayed on the ice for another hour or so before getting too cold and desperately needing hot chocolate to warm them up. They chatted and laughed as giddy excitement grew around them for the start of the holidays. But Spencer, who usually was the heart and soul of the festivities, wasn't feeling quite the same. She was distracted with Toby and his sadness. It broke her heart to see him so quiet, so empty. And if he couldn't be happy this holiday, then she couldn't be either. She couldn't help but feel the pain he felt, it was as if they were interconnected, his feelings and sadness now her own. And she would do anything to put an end to the sadness for him and bring out that contagious goofy grin, because she loved him that much.

And this year it's going to be
Just like you never knew me
Peace and quiet, happy home
How I love to be alone
Merry Christmas
Happy goddamn new year

Thank you so much for reading :) It means so much to me. If you would be so kind to leave this chapter a review, whether you loved it or hated it I'd love to know.