Chapter 25
L's eyes opened suddenly, adjusting to the darkness of the room. He wasn't sure exactly what it was that woke him but he thought that it was the sound of laughter, guttural and low. He looked over to where Light lay, his back was to him and seemed to not hear it and was still asleep. He reached out and gently touched Light's shoulder.
"Light? Did you hear…"and the rest of his words stuck in his throat as Light turned over to face him, his eyes on fire, that hateful grin on his face again. As L pulled away in terror Light sat up and began that low laughter again.
"Dear L, you're so easy. I let Light out long enough to lull you and now he's gone for good, he's dead. It's just you and I now." He whispered and L shook his head violently.
"No…no that can't be!" he cried and Light stood up from the bed.
"Oh and if you're looking for someone to save you..don't." he held up his hands, both were covered in blood, a knife in one of them.
"The boys were a little harder than Watari, but they're just as dead right now. It was touching when Mello and Matt realized there was no help as both their throats were cut, they held hands as the life ran out of them, you would have been moved. So again I say, it's just us, just you and I." L tried to move from the bed and couldn't, his body would do nothing but tremble as his heart broke inside of him, his boys and Watari, all dead. Tears of anguish ran down his face as he watched as
Light walked around the bed, his hands continuing to drip blood as he stared at L.
"You couldn't have killed them, you wouldn't kill them Light!" and Light nodded.
"This is true, your Light wouldn't have, but I'm not that Light. I need my Death Note, I know you know where it is."
"No, I won't give it to you!" L said defiantly in spite of his terror and this time Light threw his head back and laughed long and loud, sounding like the madman he was.
"Oh, L you're not going to do this are you? You have no hope in keeping the information from me. In a few minutes you're going to be screaming the answer to me. No, I won't let you die before you tell me, but you will wish that I would." One bloody hand reached out and grabbed L by his throat. L clawed at it desperately as Light continued to stare at him.
"Just tell me where it is and this won't be necessary," he whispered and produced a knife in the other hand and held it to one of L's eyes, "You'll only need one to show me where it is…" he said and L stared at the point of the knife as it neared his eyes.
"Light! No! Light, please…" he screamed and tried to kick him away, but couldn't his legs tangled in the blankets. His eyes slammed shut as if his eyelids would somehow protect him and he began to cry out Light's name again and again as if that would bring him back and make this stop.
Light was in the dining room having awakened before L, so he thought he would bring their coffee and breakfast into the bedroom so it would be there when he woke up. They had a lot to talk about and it would be more comfortable in the bedroom. He was just putting cups on the tray when he heard L scream his name. He dropped everything with a loud clatter and ran towards the bedroom, throwing the door open and for a moment he stared at the sight before him. L was thrashing around in the bed, his eyes slammed shut and his hands around his own throat. Light ran into the room and jumped on the bed, straddling L and peeling his hands from around his throat and shaking him.
"L! L wake up, wake up!" he said as strongly as he could without actually yelling. L's eyes flew open and Light stopped moving when he saw the pure terror that was reflected in L's eyes as he stared at him. He had only seen that once before, and that was when his own hands were around his throat. He gently touched L's face and whispered his name.
"L it's okay, you were dreaming, you were just dreaming." He said and held him tightly as he watched L's eyes refocus on him.
"Light?" Light tried not to react as he watched L's hand tremble reaching forward and touching his face. He smiled and nodded, and raised his hand to touch L again and drew it back quickly when L's eyes suddenly darted to it. L reached out and grabbed it back, turning it over in his own hands, proving to himself that there was no dripping blood on it. He looked back up at Light who was now looking at him with love and concern. He reached up with both of his arms and wrapped them around Light's neck, burying his head against his chest and cried. Light held him tightly, rubbing his back and kissing the top of his head.
"It was only a dream, L it's over now, I'm here." He whispered and he felt L nod against his chest as he regained his composure. Light looked up to see the boys standing in the doorway, concern also on their faces as they wondered what had happened. They had heard the sound of the tray and dishes crashing and had feared the worst. He nodded at them and they nodded back and went back out of the room to let him handle it.
Light continued to hold L tightly, reassuring him gently until he felt the trembling finally lessen enough for L to be able to look up at him finally.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you." He apologized and Light shook his head.
"It's alright, you have nothing to apologize for. Do you want to tell me what it was?" Light asked and L sat back away from him and looked away as he spoke.
"Kira had returned, you had killed the boys and Watari and were about to torture me to find out where I'd hidden the Death Note by removing one of my eyes." He whispered and Light stared at him in shock.
"Oh God no wonder you're trembling, I'm so sorry I've done this to you," he said reaching out and pulling L to him again
"It wasn't you, Light you can't apologize for what you didn't do," L told him and then looked up his stricken face, "I am just so glad it was just a dream, I love you, Light." He whispered and leaned up to kiss him needing that strong reassurance and Light was only too glad to give it, returning the kiss as deeply as he could. When they parted Light smiled at him and stroked L's back.
"I was getting your breakfast, are you ready for some coffee?" he asked and L nodded.
"Definitely ready," he said smiling back and Light nodded and stood up, stopping just for a moment to kiss L again quickly before going out of the room. L watched him walk out and then rubbed his eyes with his hands. He held his hands in front of his face and watched as they continued to tremble slightly. The dream was so real, every detail was still etched on his mind, and he could see Kira's face clearly when he closed his eyes. If this is what he had to look forward to until he got past this, he just wouldn't sleep at all.
Light found Watari and the boys in the dining area cleaning up the mess of broken cups and spilled coffee when he walked back out. Watari had heard the breaking cups and L's shouting and had come running in, stopping only when he saw the boys at the bedroom door.
"I'm sorry guys, you shouldn't have to clean my mess," Light apologized as he stopped down to help.
"It's okay, we had to do something while we were waiting to hear what happened," Matt said.
"I imagine he must be calm now?" Watari added and Light nodded.
"A nightmare, a rather disturbing one in which Kira returned killing all of you and ready to torture him to get the Death Note's location,"
"Jeez, are you serious? No wonder he screamed," Mello said pouring himself a cup of coffee.
"I would suggest that you be ready for this kind of thing for a while," Watari told him, "He's suffered mental trauma from what happened yesterday, his greatest fear realized, it's going to stay with him for a while." Light sat down on one of the chairs and ran a hand through his hair.
"I was afraid of that, what can I do to make it easier on him?" he asked.
"Just what you're doing, keep reassuring him, but it's got to run it's course. It's not something you can just shut off." Watari told him, "But most importantly you have to make sure you keep the Kira part of yourself dead." Light looked up at him.
"It is dead, I feel nothing from it anymore." Watari nodded as he threw broken pieces away.
"Good, then you have finally made up your mind and decided that definitely is not what you want."
"What do you mean, finally? I haven't wanted that since L and I…"
"Be honest with yourself, Light. Kira is not some separate person living inside of you, it is you. You allowed that part of yourself that most of us have, that dark part of you that you know you can't act on, to surface. I will accept that something powerful within the notebook helped it gain access, but it's always been there. Your love for L is the only thing that kept you from continuing to enjoy the ultimate power of ultimate justice, no matter how warped. You are the one in control of whether or not you want that power again. There's a part of you that misses that power Light, a part of you that welcomed the excuse to delve into that again." Light stood up, shaking his head violently in protest.
"No! No, I don't miss that at all, how could I?"
"Because it's part of you. Every time you feel weak, or defeated you long for that. Are you going to tell me that the first thing that doesn't cross your mind when something goes wrong at work, someone gets away with something, or doesn't get caught, isn't "If I had my Death Note?" Light gasped and looked away; he was right. He couldn't count the number of times he had said that as he watched as his hard work at catching someone backfired somehow and he walked. Or the proper amount of proof couldn't be verified, or any number of things that kept him from completing the job. Yes, it did almost always cross his mind.
"There is a part of you that didn't want to lose that power. Until you realized that it would cost you everything, until it nearly did and you had your own hands around L's throat. Even then you hid behind it, and it took Mello's making you realize it that finally killed it for you. L made it too easy for you, allowed you to have it both ways, and he knew it, that was why he worried so; but Mello forced you to make that final decision that you had to consciously make to kill it, and you never had before. That was why it was always whispering to you, tempting you because you wanted it to. Now, you have made the final decision and the temptation is gone."
Light listened and realized that Watari was absolutely right. He had never consciously admitted it before, but he was right. The intoxicating power that he had as Kira had always been playing around the edges of his mind, even if he hadn't admitted it and he actually did like it being there; reminding him that he did have that ultimate power if he really wanted it. Until it had made him almost kill L, and made him run to Miyano and if he had done what he had planned it would have emotionally killed L if not physically and it would have given him an excuse to remain Kira. He looked at Watari and the boys and shook his head.
"I am so sorry, I don't know what else I can say," he said, "I don't know why L didn't tell me this himself," he wondered and Watari walked over to him and put both hands on his shoulders, smiling warmly.
"There is nothing else to say, the mind is an extraordinary thing, it can work against you as well as for you. L had his reasons for not telling you this, I'm sure. Your days of being Kira are now gone and you can work on healing L now and making him realize it. If anything, thank Mello for realizing what had to be done and doing it without pause. That was brilliant on his part." Light looked to Mello who was grinning at him.
"I thanked Mello yesterday when it was over," he said, "But I can never thank him enough for it." He said reaching out to hug the blonde.
"After all this time, it would be too damned hard to break someone else in for L," Mello told him, "It was a totally selfish act." Light smiled at him and ruffled his hair.
"Okay, if you say so," he said and then looked around, "I need to bring L coffee and something to eat, I don't want to leave him alone for too long." Watari handed him a few items to put on the tray, while he grabbed two more coffee cups, the coffee pot, cream and sugar.
"I will get your regular breakfast ready for you, Light" he added and turned to leave to do so.
"Watari…thank you." Light called after him and Watari turned slightly and nodded, then continued out of the door.
"Oh, and guys, I'm thinking seriously of taking L away for a while, would you be willing to stay and keep things going for him if I do?" the three of them looked at each other and nodded excitedly. He smiled his thanks and moved quickly back to the bedroom.
"Sorry, it took me so long," he apologized as he walked in closing the door behind him, "I was reassuring the boys and Watari that you were okay." L smiled at him as he placed the tray on the side table.
"It's fine, it gave me a chance to calm down completely before you returned," he said watching Light pour his coffee.
"And Watari gave me some insight as to why it took so long to kill off Kira inside of me, and why it's gone completely now. I didn't even realize that it was because I didn't want to give it up entirely." L looked up at him surprised.
"Watari told you that? I didn't realize he knew.." he said.
"L..why didn't you tell me that was the problem?" he asked handing L his coffee.
"Because you were already dealing with guilt from it, I didn't wish to add to it by telling you that you were the reason you couldn't get away from him. I hoped it would eventually fade, which it had done until my case took me away for so long." Light smiled at him knowingly.
"That isn't all of it though, is it L? You knew that I was dependent on you to keep Kira at bay, my being with you. I think you were afraid that if I realized it was in my own power to get rid of Kira, you would think I wouldn't need you so much any more." L stopped sipping at his coffee and looked slowly back up at Light.
"I didn't consciously think of it that way, but perhaps you are right."
"That's ridiculous no matter how you thought of it, L. I love you, I will always need you. I don't need the fear of Kira to keep me with you."
"I'm sorry, Light. Please don't be angry with me," L said and Light could hear the slight edge of fear in his voice. He leaned over and kissed L gently.
"I am not angry with you L, it's okay. But one thing this has all brought out into the open, is the fact that you cannot keep things from me, and you cannot do things supposedly to protect me, without letting me know." L nodded, unease still registering in his eyes as Light stared into them.
"We need time away, we need to heal and we need to get back on track," he said and ran his fingers through L's hair, glad to see L react his normal way, closing his eyes and leaning into the touch.
"What do you suggest?" L asked without opening his eyes.
"Let me think about it, but we definitely need to go away, and just you and I. We need to rediscover each other now L, and we need to do it someplace we've never been, a complete change." L opened his eyes and nodded.
"I agree," he said and reached forward touching Light's face, "Are you sure you're not angry with me?" he asked and Light sighed but smiled at him.
"I am not happy with the things you did L, but I am not angry. The time for anger has passed, we've got to learn from all of this and move on. You just have to remember that I am not your child, you cannot protect me from everything, especially not myself."
"I love you so much Light that I don't think logically when it is about you, only what I feel is right to do. I know it isn't much of an excuse, but it's the truth." Light reached out and took L's face in his hands and kissed him this time deeply, his tongue taking complete control of L's mouth. When he finally released him, L leaned forward and fell against his chest as he caught his breath, Light holding him tightly against him.
"Now, eat something before I force feed you," he then told him and L giggled as he sat up and then reached for biggest donut on the plate.
"I'll be right back, I'm going to check on my breakfast," Light said as he stood up and L nodded. As Light went into the living room the intercom buzzed.
"Yes, Watari?" he answered.
"Your breakfast is on the table, and Detective Matsuda has entered the elevator. Shall I let him in?"
"Absolutely!" Light answered and went back to the bedroom.
"L, Matsuda's coming up, I'll keep the door closed unless you want to come out, otherwise, I shouldn't be too long, okay?" L nodded, his mouth full of donut and Light had to laugh at the sight. He closed the door and turned around just in time to see Matsuda coming in the door.
"To what do I owe this lovely visit?" he asked and then stopped smiling when he saw the expression on Matsuda's face, "Is something wrong?" he asked wondering just what else could go wrong right now.
"I need to let you know about what's going on at headquarters," Matsuda said and Light gestured to the table where the boys were finishing their breakfast. He said good morning to them and sat down, as Light brought over a cup and poured him coffee. Light poured himself another cup as he remembered he'd left his cup in the bedroom and then sat down where Watari had left the covered dish with his breakfast.
"So, what's happening there that's making you look like that?" he asked taking his first bite.
"It's kind of delicate, Light I don't know if you want me to talk about this in front of…everyone." He said and Light shook his head.
"I can't imagine anything going on at headquarters that couldn't be said in front of my boys," he said smiling at them and they smiled their appreciation.
"It's what they're saying about you, about that night. They're all saying the reason you haven't shown your face since it happened is because you were…well…raped and you're ashamed." Light stopped mid-chew and he and the boys all looked at Matsuda.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Mello asked and Matsuda shook his head.
"I wish I was, Mello but it's becoming a big deal. No one knew what the case was until after it all came down, and now they're all over me every day to tell them what really happened. Because the nature of the other victims, they can't believe that Light got away without being attacked." Light swallowed and then took a deep breath while he thought.
"First of all, I don't owe any of them any kind of explanation, it won't stop them from thinking what they want anyway," he said, "And second of all, I don't give a fuck." The table erupted into laughter as the boys shouted their agreement and Light continued to eat, Matsuda staring in disbelief.
"But Light, if you don't defend yourself they'll never think about you the same way, they'll always be snickering behind your back!"
"They do that anyway, Matsuda you don't think I know that? The only reason they don't get in my face is because of my father. Do you really think if I go in there and make some stupid statement that they're going to either believe it or care? No, I'm not doing it."
"But Light, they're making it difficult for me too, constantly asking what I saw, did I catch the guy in the act…it's getting to me."
"I'm sorry about that Matsuda, I really am. Why don't you tell them what the truth is then?"
"I have, many times but they won't shut up about it! I thought if you also told them.."
"It won't make a difference at all, and you know that. What you need to do is go to the Director and report them, get them all fired." Light said taking a swallow of coffee.
"You know I can't do that, we don't rat on each other." Light sighed and put down his chopsticks.
"Alright, Matsuda I'll see what I can do. You know I can stand there and talk till I'm blue in the face and they're still going to believe what they want to. They're going to think I'm just saying it to shut them up. It's a waste of my time but I'll stop by in the morning if it will make you happy." He snapped and Matsuda stood up.
"I'm sorry I disturbed your breakfast, Light. I just thought you should know."
"No, you want them to stop bothering you, it's not about what I should know," Light said angrily and stood up himself, "So I will go in there tomorrow morning and make an ass out of myself for you, knowing it will do no good whatsoever and probably just add fuel to the fire. Now excuse me, I have to get back to L, you know where the door is." Light then walked out of the dining room and back to the bedroom, closing the door noisily behind him.
Matsuda looked after him and then turned back to find the three genii staring at him, anger on all of their faces.
"You guys have to understand, I have to work with these guys all day every day.…" Matsuda started and Mello snorted at him as he stood up.
"I understand you need to grow a pair and stand up for your partner. Just when I thought you handled yourself really well out there, you come back to the office and cave under their bullshit. Don't you think Light's been through enough without having to go back there to answer their crap so you'll feel better?"
"It's a shame, man. I thought there was more to you than that," Matt added and he and Mello left the table and headed to L's office, followed by Near who merely looked at him and shook his head. Matsuda turned and ran out of the door.