The One With the Gun

AN: Donna Sullivan is an original character who made her appearance in 'The Sucker Punch Never Came,' the first fan fiction I ever wrote.

Disclaimer: I do not own The A-Team movie or television series or any of the delightful characters found on The A-Team.

Warchild, your heart is broken

Your mind is breakin', it's such a shame

Warchild, your body's broken

Your woman's taken, it's not a game.

People once shared your wisdom

Shared your memory, shared your dreams

Now your thoughts have all been scattered

What once was rhythm are now just screams

From Warchild by Def Leppard

Chapter 25 Small Steps

Two weeks later

There's a knock on my door but I don' want nobody comin' in. If nobody gets inta my room, they won' get hurt 'n' I won' hafta be dosed with haloperidol. Meg tried t' slash my heart out in my latest nightmare 'n' that's got me way too edgy t' be 'round anyone.

B'sides, I gotta keep my 'ttention on the window b'cause that's where the witch is likely t' try t' get in. She's gonna have a fight on her hands if she tries t' follow through. I don' give my heart t' jus' anyone. Not like Faceman.

I sit on the floor, my back 'gainst the dresser 'n' facin' the window. I sleep that way, too. At least, I do 'til I have 'nother ward-wakin' screamin' nightmare 'n' they put me in restraints on my bed. That's the reason after the first few days, I let only certain people in. I can't be restrained 'n' hope t' protect myself from her.

Doc Richter's the only one I'll let in. Him 'n' that pretty nurse Donna Sullivan. I hafta have my meals d'livered to me somehow 'n' I don' trust the witch ain' found a way t' disguise herself as one o' the orderlies. Richter didn' think it was smart t' have a woman take care o' me. Miss Donna's got somethin' special 'bout her so I tol' him that was the way I wanted it..

Guess I don' really know how much I can trust the nurse either but she seems like she's the real deal. She always calls me 'Captain Murdock,' not Mister, 'n' she knocks 'n' waits for an answer. She respects my privacy. If I tell her t' go 'way, she leaves me 'lone but not b'fore sayin' "If you need anything, just call."

She chews her bottom lip in the cutest way when she brings in my meal on a tray. I think she's got somethin' she wants t' say t' me but's too scared t' come out with it.

I wanna get t' know her better. The only roadblock's the big part o' me that says "Don' trust." Look what a mess trust got Face 'n' me into.

"Captain Murdock? Doctor Richter wants to have your session in his office today." It's Nurse Donna.

Maybe if I preten' I'm 'sleep 'n' don' hear her?

"I don't want to lose my job because you won't do what Doctor Richter thinks is best for you." She pauses.

I sense she's peering in through the reinforced glass window but my eyes're closed t' keep her out.

"Please, Captain? I don't like seeing you so afraid and shut off from everyone. Neither does the doctor."

She doesn' know 'bout the isolation pit in the POW camp 'n' how many times I was tossed in there t' keep company with the rats, spiders 'n' snakes. I can handle bein' 'lone jus' fine.

Yeah, right. Who 'm I kiddin'?

"Doctor Richter sent me to escort you to his office." She seems t' brace herself b'cause the nex' thing she says is "Look. I'm coming in under his orders. If you have a problem with that, then talk to Doctor Richter."

I open my eyes as she unlocks the door. Sitting up, my back ramrod straight 'gainst the dresser, my knees drawn up, I refuse t' look at her.

I suddenly realize a part o' me's amused at her bravery 'n' at the same time thankful she d'cided t' come in this time when it was clear I didn' want anyone in here.

"Whaddya want?" I hear my own voice 'n' don' recognize it. I haven' been talkin' very much t' anybody so it's kinda hoarse from not usin' it.

"I told you."

I hear her come nearer 'n' then she's kneelin' b'side me. She doesn' reach out t' touch me. She knows better, knows that if I ain' in the proper state o' mind, she's gonna get hurt.

I grimace at the bruise on her forearm that looks like four fingers 'n' a thumb. I did that a couple o' days ago. I ain' proud of it.

She sees me lookin' at it 'n' covers it with her other hand. "Don't feel bad about this. It doesn't hurt. You didn't know what you were doing."

"You didn' tell 'em how it happened." I know she didn' b'cause I wasn' put in restraints after she left the room.

She lowers her gaze 'n' chews her bottom lip. "I don't like seeing patients restrained." She looks into my eyes 'n' I understan' she ain' talkin' 'bout every patient, jus' me.

"Well . . . " I don' know what to say. I clear my throat, tryin' t' forget how pretty her eyes are when she's lookin' at me all concerned like she is.

"I understand you're afraid about leaving your room. That woman hurt you badly." She hesitates 'n' reaches out t' touch my arm.

I flinch for jus' a second but I force myself not t' remove my arm completely from her hand. The human touch feels nice. I didn' know how much I missed it.

"Please, Captain. Let me bring you to see Doctor Richter. It'll show him you're in control of your fears, that your fears don't control you." She continues t' scan my face. "Please?"

"You don' know how . . . " I can' put inta words the panic I feel startin' inside me at the thought o' walkin' that hallway t' his office. She could be hidin' anywhere waitin' for me t' pass by. I end up bowing my head over my knees, my face in my hands.

"If you start feeling overwhelmed, I'll get you back here right away." She touches my shoulder gently. "I promise. I'll tell him it was a little too much for you right now. He'll understand. But at least try."

When I don't respond she repeats, "Please?"

"Ya wanna make that a pinky promise? That if I can't handle it, you'll take me back here pronto?" She's gonna think it's silly. We're both adults 'n' that sorta stuff's for kids.

My mouth jus' 'bout drops open when she says, "Sure. I pinky promise to bring you back to your room if you tell me you can't make it all the way to Doctor Richter's office."

"What 'bout when I gotta get back t' my room?"

"I'll be there to walk you back again. But you have to try to get there and back with me." She holds out her pinky finger and waits, her expression solemn.

I can't b'lieve I've met someone who understands how bindin' a pinky promise is. I entwine my pinky finger with hers 'n' seal the deal.

"Done," I whisper. The next hard part's tryin' t' get t' my feet after sittin' here for so long. Nurse Donna helps me with that, too.

I get a close-up of her face when I'm finally standin' 'n' I kinda understan' why my buddy's so taken by real beauty when he sees it. 'Cause I see it right now 'n' it radiates from inside 'er, unlike so many o' Face's beauties.

"Should I see who's out there in the hall before we start?" She doesn't think twice 'bout askin' if I need that kinda support.

It's childish t' be this way but I can't help it. I nod 'n' watch her go to the door. It doesn' take her long t' report.

"Everyone's either in their rooms or having lunch. Which I will have waiting for you when you come back to the room." She gnaws her lower lip 'gain 'n' looks up into my eyes. "Are you ready?"

"I . . . guess." I take in a really deep breath, somethin' the doctors want me t' do a few times a day anyway, 'n' follow her out o' my door.

Four steps from the door I hear Meg's hissin' voice. "She can't protect you. You're mine." It seems t' come from everywhere at once.

I have t' stop, my back t' the wall. I clench my right hand into a fist. The left's pretty much useless while it's still got stitches in it.

Peerin' 'round the hallway, makin' a full sweep o' my surroundin's, I'm 'ware Nurse Donna is b'side me right 'way. She touches my shoulder, massages it, tryin' t' rid me o' my panic.

"I heard her," I choke past the fear in my throat.

"I know you think you did." Her voice is soothing, her touch calming.

"No, I did! I heard her!" I press my right fist against my forehead 'n' close my eyes. I don' wanna lose it in front o' Nurse Donna.

"Maybe it is too soon for you to take this step." She gently pulls my fist from my face and holds it in her own two hands. "We can go back to your room if you want." Her tone is resigned 'n' sad.

I swallow several times, fightin' 'gainst the feelin' of wantin' t' give up. "I don' wanna quit. I know I can't live in that room forever."

I gaze inta her eyes, hopin' she can fin' the words t' keep me walkin' t' Doc's office.

For a few seconds she says nothin', jus' looks inta my eyes. Then, "Do you think you can block her voice out if I keep talking to you?"

"Maybe." I don' know if it'll work. "But we gotta try, don' we?"

So she talks as we walk 'n' I try my best t' focus on her words. She talks 'bout the dogs she's owned in the past, her childhood in upper Michigan, snowy winters 'n' sleddin', the garden she wishes she could have if only she didn' hafta live in an apartment . . .

B'fore I know it, we're at Doc Richter's office door. I wish I didn' hafta go in. I wanna keep listenin' t' her.

"I'll be here when you're done," she reassures me, seein' the look on my face. "And I'll walk you to your room. Maybe you can tell me about flying, how it feels to be up there, on the way back."

She smiles 'n' I return the smile, whisperin', "Thank ya, Nurse Donna." The smile doesn' leave my face as I go inta the office 'n' flop down on the patients' couch for my session.