Yes, I'm alive. I know it's been a long time again. Sorry, I've been going through a big change in my life, going to university. Still trying to adjust this new country and new education system. Basically, there's just a lot of things going on in my life. I'll try to regularly update when I figure out my schedule properly.
I don't own anything.
Starless Nights
Joy, celebration, relief, and freedom; those were the emotions Misaki expected to experience after she successfully cleared her name. Ironically, she felt trapped, burdened, and depressed. Trapped by the confusing thoughts she has. Burdened by the fact that Maria traded her freedom for her's. Depressed from the filthy secrets revealed. Sitting at the long dining table with all her comrades who helped her push through the hard times, Misaki couldn't even fake a smile. Originally, this dinner should have been a celebration dinner of Misaki's liberation; but somehow became Maria's mourning session. No one spoke, only the sounds of delicate utensils creating friction with the high quality ceramic plates.
"I believe this shouldn't feel like someone's last dinner." Breaking the silence, Tora Igarashi sighed.
No one made a response. However, that was the same question Umi had in mind, but he didn't dare to ask. He knew that his mother won the trial, and nothing else.
"I'm done." Standing up, Misaki left the dining room.
"You have to understand, she's paying her price." Stopping Misaki from leaving the dining room, Tora Igarashi spoke.
"That's easy for you to say." Throwing her final phrase at Tora Igarashi, Misaki left the dining room.
Though Misaki knew that exiting the dining room in that manner certainly wouldn't lighten the mood or simplify the situation, she still exited the room. She needed sometime to herself, she needed time to rearrange the thoughts in her mind, the emotions that's running in her stream, and the decisions bothering her life. Returning to her room, Misaki lit up a tiny lamp and sat on her own bed. Hugging her knees to herself, Misaki rested her head on her knees and sunk into her deep thought.
Everything that happened in the court seems strange to her. There were so many loopholes that Misaki saw, but can't truly point out. One of the loopholes that bothered her the most, was the fact that the guards came to arrest her when Queen Patricia said so. In terms of the court, Queen Patricia does not have the authority to arrest her, yet the guards listened to her commands. Usually, only the judge has the authority to command the guards. Unless, the guards belong to Queen Patricia.
Knock! Knock! A few soft knocks on the door distracted Misaki's train of thoughts.
"Come in." Misaki said to the person outside of the door.
"It's me." Opening the door wide, Usui walked into the room. "Umi was worried that you didn't have enough dinner, so he asked me to bring you some bread."
"Thank you. "Misaki replied. Deep down, Misaki felt that she didn't deserve such a thoughtful child, considering her negligence over her responsibilities as a mother for the past few days.
"Here." Passing the bread to Misaki, Usui displayed a worried facial expression.
"Sometimes I wonder if hating you will make my life easier." Receiving the bread from Usui, Misaki said. "There were times when I imagined my life if I never married you, then I realized that I would have married you anyway."
"..." Usui didn't make a response.
"Sometimes I don't even know if you married me out of love, or to escape a marriage with a stranger." Pathetically laughing, Misaki said.
"I love you." Without a warning, Usui hugged Misaki and said.
"I know." Nodding, Misaki replied.
"I love you." Once again, Usui confessed.
"I love you too." Taking in a deep breath, Misaki said. It's not common for her to express any form of affection.
"There's no other reason why I married you." Hugging Misaki tight in his arms, Usui continued. "If you time, I'll give you time. If you need space, I'll give you space. If you need freedom, I'll give you freedom. I'll give you anything. Please don't ever have the thought of hating me."
"You're so sly, trying to change my decision." Hugging Usui back, Misaki informed her final decision.
"In the end, you're still the decision maker." Usui pointed out.
"I'm sorry I can't stay beside you." Rubbing her forehead against Usui's shoulders, Misaki continued. "I need a break from everything
"I'll always wait for you." Patting Misaki's back, Usui said.
Pulling away from the hug, Misaki planted a light kiss on Usui's lips.
"I'm sorry for my decision." Once again, Misaki apologized.
"Don't be." Replying, Usui kissed Misaki on the lips.
That night, Misaki and Usui slept on the same bed together. They held their hands tightly as they fell asleep. The resonance of their breathing and body temperature became a lullaby that sung them into their deep dreams. As if their love returned back to its simplest form, the only thing the couple cared about that night was the bond they shared and the love the breeded. All the conflict, betrayal, misunderstandings, and pride vanished that night.
...
The moment the first ray of light entered the window, Misaki's eyes opened. Blinking once, then twice, she didn't tired at all. Slowly, she sat up from the bed. Turning to her back, she stared at Usui's sleeping face for a good while. Leaving a soft kiss on Usui's forehead, Misaki walked off the bed and silently performed her morning routine. Silently, she exit the room then eventually exit the mansion. The moment Misaki exited the room, Usui opened his eyes. He was awake the whole time, but he purposely stayed asleep. He knew where Misaki was going, so he didn't take any action.
Though Misaki didn't have the best horse riding skills, she could at least ride the horse in a rather slow speed. The slow speed was fast enough to bring her to the grand palace before the town became active. Along with her, Misaki brought the antidotes to the mock poison Maria used on Queen Patricia. When Misaki arrived to the grand palace, a butler stood outside of the grand palace waiting for her.
"Queen Patricia has been waiting." The butler said to Misaki.
"..." Slowly coming down her horse, Misaki didn't say anything else. She didn't question anything, she just followed the butler into one of the rooms of this vast grand palace.
When the large doors of the room opened, Queen Patricia elegantly sat at a table sipping her breakfast tea.
"I'm surprised that you expected me to be here." Walking towards Queen Patricia, Misaki said.
"I always knew that you had sensitive observation skills." Putting her tea down, Queen Patricia didn't make any eye contact with Misaki.
"Here's the antidotes of the poison." Putting a small bottle of liquid onto the table, Misaki said.
Looking up at Misaki, Queen Patricia displayed a slight frown. A frown that symbolized her puzzled thoughts.
"Though you only had a small amount of poison, you never cleared the poison out of your system. If those toxic continues to linger in your body, you will die early." Misaki coldly said.
"How can I trust you?" Queen Patricia asked back.
"Eventually, I will see you in hell, but not today." Misaki
"..." Queen Patricia didn't respond, she just simply poured a few drops of antidote into her tea. Immediately, she drank the tea while maintaining eye contact with Misaki. Oddly, not an odd thing happened.
"Take them daily for 3 months, you'll eventually become better." Pulling a chair out, Misaki took her seat.
"I guess it's time for you to question me." A soft chuckle followed the sentence from Queen Patricia.
"It's funny how you replaced the court guards with your personal army." Smiling, Misaki continued. "You really want to get rid of me, don't you?"
"..." With her arm crossed, Queen Patricia remained silent.
"Though the chaotic situation caused many people in the court to ignore the strange occurrence, but
"Well most of the court audience were ignorant rich nobles." Apparently, Queen Patricia
"Why did you drink the poison?" Straight to the point, Misaki asked. "Obviously if the poison was oil based you could have seen the odd layer of substance floating above the tea. Especially when you're the queen, someone whose life is always at risk."
"Don't you know the answer already?" Running her fingers along the rim of her cup, Queen Patricia said.
"You really want to get rid of me, don't you?" Shaking her head, Misaki pathetically laughed. "So you risked your life and played along with Maria's plan."
"I don't dislike you." Surprisingly, Queen Patricia said.
"Is this all for Usui? You really want a healthy successor, don't you?" Raising one of her eyebrows, Misaki asked.
"I want to leave something for Yu."
'Yu', a name Misaki was also familiar with. Usui's late father, and Queen Patricia's deceased lover. A man Misaki has never met before, but the man who greatly affected her fate. Staring straight into Queen Patricia's eyes, Misaki saw a single drop of tear slowly sliding down the cheeks of Queen Patricia. The morning sun glittered the single drop of tear, as if it was a precious jewel.
"I couldn't do anything for him, at least I could let his bloodline have the throne." A true confession came from the usual mighty queen. That moment, Queen Patricia looked hopeless and weak.
"So without me, you could give Usui a powerful wife that will increase his chance of succeeding the throne." Misaki said.
"First, I thought I could do that. I was wrong. I underestimated your place in Takumi's heart. When he lost you, his world collapsed." Queen Patricia replied.
"Then why did you revive the case?" Frowning, Misaki asked. If Queen Patricia never revived the case, Maria would still live in her peaceful life.
"I couldn't fight the demons in me. For my personal greed, my own dreams." Without hiding anything, Queen Patricia said.
"I guess that's all I need to know." Standing up, Misaki turned around and proceeded to leave the room.
"If it weren't for your background, you would become a perfect queen." Watching Misaki leaving the room, Queen Patricia said.
"If you weren't a queen, you would still be a horrible mother." Looking back, Misaki said the true words of her mind. The main reason why Misaki would say those words were because of Usui. He's the true victim of this case.
"I know." Nodding, Queen Patricia agreed.
Thoughts silently ran through Misaki's head as she walked out of the palace that she will never return in her life. Deep down Misaki knew that she doesn't hate Queen Patricia. In fact, she sympathizes Queen Patricia. Considering that Queen Patricia needs to take such actions to fill up the guilt hole caused by the death of her lover, she must have lonely and pathetic thoughts. Perhaps not hating Queen Patricia will also give Misaki an easier time in the future. However, this doesn't mean that Misaki forgave Queen Patricia. She still can't forgive Queen Patricia for all those selfish actions.
Outside the gate of the mansion, a man silently leaned on the metal gate bars as he watched Misaki slowly ride the horse back to the mansion. From a distance, Misaki saw the man silently waiting for her, it wasn't a surprise for Misaki to find Usui waiting for her.
"Why do you always wait for me?" Getting off the horse, Misaki asked.
"Why wouldn't I?" Pulling the reins of the horse, Usui helped Misaki bring the horse back into the mansion.
"Have you ever consider that I probably won't be the one you are waiting for?" Referring to their entire relationship, Misaki asked.
"If I don't wait for you, who do I wait for?" Usui asked back.
"Someone better." Misaki replied.
"..." Stopping his walking motion, Usui looked into Misaki's eyes for a good while. "I don't want someone better, I want you."
"That is the problem." Misaki allowed her own reflection to appear into Usui's emerald eyes. "I'm pulling you back."
Staring at each other for a good while, neither of them wanted to shift their eyes away. They know that they can read each other's emotions just through a glance. Though Misaki attempted to find the denial that she expected in Usui's eyes, she couldn't.
"I won't deny anything." Realizing what emotion Misaki searched for, Usui replied. "I don't mind being pulled back."
"I do." Misaki said.
"What did Queen Patricia say to you?" Frowning, Usui asked.
"She didn't say much." Misaki replied.
"Then..." Before Usui could make any other comment, Misaki interrupted.
"For me, Takumi. For me." Gently hugging Usui, Misaki said. "Don't make me become selfish. Not like her... please."
"..." Hugging Misaki back, Usui fully understood the message Misaki was sending him. He placed a soft kiss above Misaki's forehead. "I'm sorry that you have to go through all this."
The couple just continued to silently hug each other tightly. They know that for the good of them both, it's better for them to have some time apart. It's not that they don't love each other, it's because they love each other too much. Together, they won't be able to mature properly. Separation will allow the both of them to understand who they truly are. Living a life without the concept of self, both Misaki and Usui understand that they can't live a life like that.
Later in the afternoon, Misaki and Usui sat down with Umi. When Misaki and Usui sat Umi down, Umi already knew what was about to happen. Something in his heart told him that, he has to make a choice. Hence, before Misaki nor Usui spoke, Umi spoke up first.
"If I don't make a decision, then will you two stay together?" While saying his words, a stream of tears overflowed from Umi's emerald eyes.
"..." Misaki and Usui looked at each other.
"Adults are selfish." For Umi, he doesn't understand why he has to
"You're not making a decision." Usui replied. "You're going with your mother."
"..." Misaki turned around and looked at Usui. The conversation they had before sitting down with Umi was that Umi has the right to decide who he wants to stay with. However, Usui dictated the situation and made a decision.
"Why can't we be a happy family?" Unable to control his tears, Umi asked.
"Because you are not happy, none of us are happy." Without hesitation, Usui said. "You hate this royalty life, you hate the rules, and the battle for power. I know you do, because I do too. We love each other deeply, but it's not the time for us to unite as a family yet."
"Umi..." Misaki walked towards her son, and wiped the tears off Umi's cheeks.
"Though you're a child, I know you are mature enough to understand everything. So I won't deceive you by telling fairy tale sounding reasons. Life is consisted by a series of waiting, in the large scale we are all waiting for our death. For now, we are all waiting for a time when we can unite as a truly happy family." Usui explained. "I'm sorry I can't fulfill my obligations as a father."
"Will the time come?" Looking straight into Usui's eyes, Umi asked.
"If you know if it will come or not, then it's not waiting." Gently smiling, Usui said.
Staring at his father, Umi understood what the smile represent. Usui wanted Umi to stay with Misaki, he knew that Misaki needed Umi more than him.
"I understood." Umi nodded his head as he signaled that he understood his father's true intentions.
"...I'm sorry." Hugging her son tightly, Misaki apologized.
"I will be fine." Patting his mother's back, Umi said. Though Umi truly wanted to stress his thoughts about the relationship between his parents, he understands his role as a child. Afterall, he's still a powerless child who has to depend on adults. Having that thought in his mind, he unwillingly submitted to the decision made by his parents. However, deep down Umi admitted that he wasn't happy. Though he never truly displayed his melancholic side in the Kingdom of Walker, he did suffer from the judgemental opinions of others.
"..." Silently, Usui hugged both Misaki and Umi in his arms. There are too many things they all have to sort out individually.
...
The packing process was faster than what Misaki expected. However, recalling that she came to this mansion without anything with her, it all makes sense. Lying down on the bed she slept on for the past few months, Misaki took in a long deep breath. Thinking about the Kingdom of Miyabigaoka, she remembered that small fishing town that served as a life harbor for seven years, Seika. For some reasons, Misaki made a decision of not returning to Seika, but moving to the capital of the Kingdom of Miyabigaoka instead. In the small fishing town where she spent one of the most peaceful years of her life, Misaki was positive that she can't truly explore who she truly is. However, in a city filled with politics, trade, and obstacles, Misaki will surely discover her true self.
Knock! Knock! Two knocks on the door signaled the arrival of a visitor. The visitor didn't bother to wait for an answer, he intruded in.
"That's not very polite, King Tora Igarashi." Misaki sat up.
"Just here to check on the lady who made an odd decision today." Standing at the door frame, Tora Igarashi said.
"What are you here for?" Tilting her head, Misaki asked.
"The carriage will be ready in a few hours, if you want to change your decision you better do it now." Looking straight into Misaki's eyes, Tora Igarashi said.
"Nothing will change." Misaki coldly replied.
"Are you sure about your decision?" Once again, Tora Igarashi asked.
"I'm free of choice but not the consequence. If I die from an heartache later in life, just consider it as karma." Nonchalantly, Misaki said. To Misaki, it's not the problem of loving Usui or not anymore, but if she continues to love Usui the way she does she will end up like Queen Patricia, but that's something she will never tell anyone else.
"You're a grown adult, so I won't say anything more." Sighing, Tora Igarashi closed the door and left.
Lying back down on the bed, Misaki also sighed. The sigh contained a mixture of all her feelings, the feelings she can't express easily.
When the time for Misaki finally arrived, she took her very small luggage and walked towards the entrance of the mansions. Standing right at the door was Satsuki.
"Misaki! You can't go!" Satsuki blocked the door.
"Satsuki I.." Before Misaki could make an explanation, Usui appeared behind her.
"Satsuki." A sincere and short call of the name by Usui toned down Satsuki's facial expression. "Please understand."
"I..." Sighing, Satsuki didn't know what to say. Instead of attempting to keep Misaki here, Satsuki decided to give a farewell hug to Misaki.
"I will miss you." Patting Satsuki's back while hugging her, Misaki said.
"..." Satsuki couldn't say anything while trying to hold in all her tears.
"I'll hold your luggage for you." Like a gentlemen, Usui took the bag in Misaki's hand.
"Thank you." Nodding, Misaki said.
"Please." Opening the door, Usui gestured Misaki to walk first.
"Thank you." Again, Misaki said as she walked towards the carriage parked right outside.
Sending Misaki to the carriage, every footstep felt heavy for Usui. However, for Misaki it wasn't an easy walk too. Sitting in the carriage, Umi witnessed the struggle between his parents. He sat silently and tried not to let any thoughts pass through his mind.
The opening carriage door allowed a few rays of sunlight to enter the dark carriage. Under Usui's help, Misaki entered the carriage and sat right across her son. Standing outside of the carriage, Usui gestured for Umi to come close to him. Umi slid close to the entrance.
"Take good care of your mother." Finishing his sentence, Usui kissed Umi's forehead.
"I will." Obediently, Umi replied.
"Thank you, and sorry." Usui said to Umi.
Standing up straight, Usui then looked at Misaki. The two stared at each other for a good while. They both know, they both fear forgetting each other's faces.
"Safe trip." Squeezing out a smile, Usui kissed Misaki on the lips softly.
"Thank you." After the kiss, Misaki leaned her forehead against Usui's.
They both closed their eyes and took in a few gentle breaths. At the same time, they opened their eyes and saw their own reflection in each other's eyes. Without saying anything, they both returned to their proper positions. Usui closed the carriage door, Misaki sat with perfect posture, and Umi looked out the window. Not soon after the carriage door closed, the sound of the horse hooves clapping to the ground echoed in the small space of the carriage. Without a warning, the carriage gradually moved.
Bursting into tears as the carriage continued to travel away from the mansion, Misaki tightly hugged herself as she tried to minimize the volume of her cry.
"I love you. I love you." Repeating those words over and over again, Misaki tried to comfort her aching heart.
On the other end, Usui stood outside the mansion watching the carriage slowly disappear into the horizon line.
"I love you." Looking up in the sky, Usui's clear tears slid down his rigid jawline. As a habit, Usui slid his hands into his pocket. A cold small solid object caught his attention. Pulling the object out of his pocket, he realized it was the rose pendant Misaki kept with her all the time.
...
3 months after Misaki and Umi departed the Kingdom of Walker, rumors flew between the borders of the Kingdom of Walker and the Kingdom of Miyabigaoka. The rumor has it, the second prince, Prince Takumi of the Walker family voluntarily gave up his rights to succeed the throne. After Prince Takumi, correction, Takumi Walker gave up his royalty, he disappeared without a trace. Some people say he became the leader of a group of mountain bandits, some people say he decided to devote his life into black magic, some said he decided to travel around the world. Along with the rumor, the news that Queen Patricia decided to advocate from her throne has been officially released.
It's no surprise that Misaki also heard about Usui's decision of giving up the throne, but she didn't make any statement about it. Deep down, she doesn't feel concerned about Usui's decision anyway. She knew that, no matter what decision Usui made, it's definitely the best decision. She believed in his judgement, just like how he believed in hers.
On a sunny morning, Misaki opened the mailbox of her new home in the capital of Miyabigaoka. Normally, she would receive letters from Sakura and Satsuki. Instead of expecting her usual letters, Misaki found a handmade envelope with no address written on it. Scrutinizing the works of the envelope, Misaki knew who it was from. Fearing that a single flinch will tear the envelope apart, she executed her actions carefully. Taking the letter out, Misaki began reading the neatly written scribbles as her sight slowly turned blurr.
Wait for me, wait till I become better.
-Takumi
"I'm the one who needs to be better." Murmuring those words in her mouth, clenched the letter to her left chest. The throbbing, that can't be stopped.
The next chapter, also the final chapter, will be coming, soon. I hope.