A/N: Anyone who hasn't seen "Dodgeball," "Rodger Rabbit" or "Cool World" will probably hate this episode.
Profanity for this one chapter is cranked up to 11. This will NOT be the norm for future chapters; it's only because this one is such a mindf**k.
SPOOF TREK: FROGGER
"Rocky VXIIIIIII"
(Spoofing "The Fight," Season 5)
Summary: When Frogger becomes trapped in Toon Space, the one sane man aboard finally snaps and loses his marbles. Oh yeah, and some sh*t with boxing.
SICKBAY:
[Commander Chevrolet is lying on a biobed. Leaning over him is Lt. Tim Parsnip. They are smooching passionately, and making out.]
Tim Parsnip: Mmmmm…do not tell B'Zooka.
[The Doctor enters, and stares at them.]
The Doctor: Mr. Parsnip, what are you doing to Commander Chevrolet?
[They stop kissing.]
Tim Parsnip: I'm, I'm restraining him…because…he's…going…crazy! [Smacks Chevrolet's shoulder]
Chevrolet: Hmm? Oh! Oooh, aaaah, voices…in my head….or something…
The Doctor: I'll prescribe hypospray at once!
[Before either of them can stop him, The Doctor picks up an Orange Soda hypospray (a can of soda with the hypospray injector attached) and injects the soda into Chevrolet's neck.]
The Doctor: [Smiling] How do you feel now, Commander?
Chevrolet: ….My god, now I am hearing voices! It's nothing but senseless babble, it doesn't make any sense!
Voices: "…Thee-be-de…tha-be-da…that's all folks!" "Eeeeh….what's up doc?" "...Ma biscuits are burnin'!" "Noids don't have sex with doodles! It's the oldest rule here in Cool World…" "…Oh my god, they killed Kenny!" "Oooooooh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea…!"
Chevrolet: NO! I don't want your ugly doodle women! Give the damn rabbit some Tricks already! Get out of my head Plankton, LEAVE MY BRAIN ALOOONE!
[Tim and the Doctor exchange glances, while trying to hold down Chevrolet, who's thrashing madly.]
The Doctor: What exactly was going on when I entered?
Parsnip: Um, [Scratches the back of his neck]
INSERT THEME SONG HERE
LATER, IN SICKBAY:
The Doctor: Chief Medical Officer's log: It's been three days since Frogger became trapped in Toon Space, and despite my best efforts, it seems my injection of orange soda actually worsened Chevrolet's condition. Toon Space, as we've discovered, is an alternate reality populated by two-dimensional life forms called Toons. The Toons will only reveal themselves to a chosen individual. And for some reason, out of everyone on board, they have chosen Commander Chevrolet.
[The Doctor goes to check on Chevrolet, who is on a biobed, lying on his stomach. He looks like shit. Chevrolet is surrounded by loud, singing, honking, beeping Toons, that only he can see. Rodger Rabbit dances a show-tune around the bed, while drinking beer; Pepe Le Pew chases Penelope Pussycat, in the opposite direction; and the little red crab-telephone from "Cool World" runs around, screaming, "FRANK!" Chevrolet regards all this with a complex mixture of rage, distain, helplessness, and "WTF?"]
The Doctor: How do you feel Commander?
[A cartoon anvil falls and crashes loudly nearby.]
Chevrolet: I'd be happier without the torment, and the suffering, and the un-brushed bangs in my face.
The Doctor: I'm sorry Commander, but the fan girls insist. We do have ratings to maintain.
Crab Phone: FRAAAAAAAANK!
[Chevrolet groans, and pulls a pillow over his head.]
Chevrolet: [Muffled voice] Frak this sh*t! I'm going to wind up like my grandfather. Talking to imaginary rabbits, singing show tunes [Doc pulls the pillow off]…just a crazy old man!
The Doctor: Commander, you're a thirty-something-year-old stud muffin. I think you've got a few years left before you need to start worrying. [Fluffs pillow and puts it back under Chevrolet]
Rodger Rabbit: I had a grandma once! She was a shrew! D'ha ha, geddit?!
Chevrolet: [Checking fists, and teeth] I hate Toons!
The Doctor: I'm sorry, but—wait, you hate Toons? Since when? You teamed up with Bart Simpson in Season 4 to save the ship, and got along with him just fine!
Chevrolet: No, we all had a dream where I teamed up with Bart Simpson. I don't care what crazy tribble-shit goes on in my dreams, but I can't tolerate this! My only true fear my entire life was going insane like my grandfather!
The Doctor: "My one fear is going insane"…says Commander Peace Pipe. Commander Vision Quest. Commander "I know how to lucid dream." Commander "My favorite hobby is getting punched in the head." You experiment on your own brain more than anyone else on this ship! You should enjoy being our ambassador to aliens from another dimension!
Chevrolet: Wait, aliens? Where am I, some kind of sci-fi show? Isn't this a "Rocky" sequel? Where are my boxing gloves?
The Doctor: Son of a bitch. [Rubs temples.] Let's start from the beginning. Chevrolet, do you remember when you were on the holodeck the other day, and you saw something extraordinary?
Chevrolet: I swear, I didn't know what that program was when I activated it! I just saw the title "Lord of the Flies"' and assumed it was about the book! I didn't know it was going to have pizza boys and a three-breasted—
The Doctor: [Voice muffled by massive face-palm] Noooooo Commander, not that program. The BOXING one.
Chevrolet: Oh.
The Doctor: I need you to remember what happened. Give me a flashback if it helps.
FLASH BACK!
[Chevrolet is walking down the hall, with Ensign Fairly Dim.]
Ensign Dim: [Super-cheerful] Man, three attacks from hostile aliens in one week! Y'know, I'm always amazed at how you never even flinch when we're under attack, Commander.
Chevrolet: You've got to keep a cool head if you're gonna survive out here.
Fairly Dim: I also admire how you can stay so calm and patient in the face of insanity.
[Cakemix walks by, proudly holding a pot that contains a roaring, tentacle-flaying alien. It is clear that this will be dinner. Chevrolet waves politely.]
Chevrolet: I'm a man of peace and diversity Fairly. I accept everyone, no matter how strange.
Fairly Dim: And with all the crazy, suicidal plans the captain cooks up, you only mutiny against them about once a month!
Chevrolet: I may not agree with all of her decisions, but I respect her.
Fairly Dim: [Still cheerful] You don't even seem that cut up about being in the Dipwad Quadrant!
Chevrolet: These things happen.
Fairly Dim: I hardly even see you show emotion, aside from some eyebrow movements and a curse word here and there! …Are you an Indian totem pole?
Chevrolet: Yes I am. Well, here's the holodeck. See you later Fairly.
[Dim leaves, and Chevrolet enters the holodeck. He changes into his boxing gear, which includes sneakers, shorts, and—sadly—a shirt. He calmly approaches a punching bag, and then begins viciously tearing it to shreds.]
Chevrolet: FRAKING DIPWAD QUADRANT ALIENS...INSUBORDINATE CREWMEN….CRACKER CAFFEINE-ADDICT CAPTAIN…PARSNIP'S SUPER GLUE ON MY CHAIR…BORED DRONE JEPRODIZING THE SHIP AND MAKING ME HORNY….SALSA IMPREGNATING COWBOYS WITH MY DNA…CAKEMIX'S TENTACLE PASTA, HOW MANY TIMES 'I HAVE TO TELL HIM I'M VEGETARIAN…GRAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Voice: That's not how ye tackle boxing, son! [The speaker enters the scene. He's an old man in a wheelchair, with long crazy hair, and a leather jacket covered in patches.] You've gotta grab it by the honches and hump it into submission!
PRESENT:
Chevrolet: Patches O'Houlinan. He was my training coach at the academy. I put a hologram of him in my boxing simulation. Y'know, because there's nothing weird about making holograms of people you know in real life. Seriously, what kind of creepy, twisted culture do we live in, in the 24th Century? Do we also steal each others' underwear to let someone know when we want to be friends? It's wrong!
Doctor: The simulation, Chevrolet.
Chevrolet: Right.
FLASHBACK!
Patches: Today Queer-Bank, you're gonna practice dodging your opponent's punches.
Chevrolet: But Patches, there's no one here but you and me. How am I supposed to practice dodging my opponent if I have no opponent?
Patches: Well that's what this here sack of wrenches is for!
[As soon as Patches starts to unload the metal wrenches onto the ground, Chevrolet has his fists up and ready. He dodges every wrench—until he sees something floating in midair. It's a pair of cartoon eyes. A pair of purple, pointed ears follows, and then, the wide grin of Disney's Cheshire Cat. While he's distracted, a huge wrench crashes right into his tattoo.]
SICKBAY:
[Chevrolet sits in sickbay, bloody and with sweaty bangs all over his face. He's still wearing his muscle shirt, and boxing-bandages on his hands. Both he and the Doctor try to ignore the endless clicks and squeals, as millions of female Trekkies rush frantically for the "pause" button.]
The Doctor: …and look, your lovely tattoo was damaged. Why do you partake in such a barbaric sport?
Chevrolet: To practice my punching skills, which I've used to help save this ship's shinny metal ass from bad guys on a regular basis. You're welcome.
The Doctor: Hold still, I need to re-attach your ear. You should've come straight to sickbay after that wrench hit you, instead of fighting that Mike Tayson hologram.
[Their conversation continues, as the doctor fuses Chevrolet's severed ear back onto his head.]
Chevrolet: You know I once saw General Mindfok go twenty-three rounds with Gul Douchebag in the Neutral Zone? Best match I ever saw!
The Doctor: All right, when you're seeing a Clingon in a boxing ring with a Cargassian, that's a sign to cut back on the drugs.
Chevrolet: Speaking of hallucinations The Doctor, I saw something strange on the holodeck.
The Doctor: I'll bet you did.
Chevrolet: No, I mean before the wrench hit me.
The Doctor: Give the peace pipe a break.
BOOM![Ships shakes]
Captain Myway [V.O.]: All regulars to the Bridge—except you, the Doctor.
Chevrolet: [Sigh.] Never mind.
[Chevrolet begins to peel off his shirt. Millions of females gasp…but are disappointed when it turns out that he has his Star Freak uniform on underneath his boxing gear.]
BRIDGE:
Chevrolet: What'd I miss?
Captain Myway: There's a spatial distortion approaching us.
Ensign Fairly Dim: It's already affecting the ship Captain! Look, it turned Chevrolet's hair sexy!
Chevrolet: No, Ensign, I just didn't have time to gel my bangs up today.
Fairly Dim: Oh.
Tuvacca: The distortion is growing, Captain.
[On the viewscreen, the stars scatter and dance. A blue planet floats by, with the face of Disney's Genie. In the distance, one sees cartoon anvils and safes falling; cats chasing birds and mice; familiar characters from Disney, Looney Tunes, and Hannah Barbara; colorful buildings with faces; and dark, twisted, skyscrapers with screaming mouths for doorways. Suddenly, it all comes flying towards Frogger at lightspeed. The scenery rolls by, with the surreal soundtrack of "Cool World" playing from nowhere.]
Tuvacca: The distortion has engulfed us, Captain. I am reading anvils off the port bow, mallets crashing into our hull, David Bowie music coming from the left—
Telephone Line: Captain, I recognize this anomaly. It is a rare but horrifying phenomenon known as Toon Space. It's a region of space where the laws of physics are nonexistent, and where everything is two-dimensional. The level of silliness is quadruple anything else in the known universe. Only one Cardboard Box has ever escaped to alert the Collective.
Captain Myway: I suppose something this crazy would be bad for the Bored. Can it hurt us?
Telephone Line: It can certainly hurt the ship's hulls. Anvils, mallets and safes will soon be pummeling the ship from every direction. Shields will protect us but only for a time. There will also be psychological damage to anyone onboard who dislikes Toons.
Chevrolet: [Twitching]
Telephone Line: I can explain more to you in Ass-Trometrics, Captain.
Myway: All right. Chevrolet, you've got the bridge.
[Myway and Telephone leave. Chevrolet turns to go to his chair, but stops when he sees the Cheshire Cat already sitting there.]
Chevrolet: Does anybody see that?!
[He points. The Cheshire Cat bobs on his tail, grinning like a jackass.]
Tuvacca: I see you making a fool of yourself Commander. Cease your activities with the peace pipe, just for a week, please.
[The Cheshire Cat vanishes.]
Tim Parsnip: Hey Chevrolet, are you okay?
Chevrolet: [Rubbing his head] I challenge this day to get any shittier.
Computer: Challenge accepted. Begin round one. DING!
Chevrolet: Who said that? [Looking around madly]
Tuvacca: Said what, Commander?
PUNCH!
[Chevrolet has sent Tuvacca across the room. Everyone looks up. Chevrolet continues trying to punch Tuvacca, who just stands there dodging him, very confused.]
B'Zooka Tourguide: ….the Frak?
Tim Parsnip: Well it's obvious he's hallucinating! I know he boxes on his spare time, so I guess that's got something to do with it...
Fairly Dim: Huh, then I guess we should call Sickbay.
[Parsnip, B'Zooka, Dim, and the other crewmen all exchange glances. Then they all dash away. They return a second later, with popcorn, baseball caps, and little flags with Chevrolet's tattoo on them, cheering him on.]
Tim Parsnip: [Microphone] On the right, the Tattooed Terror! And to the left, the Vulcan Viper! Odds are running 3 to 1 that it ends with Tuvacca getting punched in the head and going crazy yet again… [Rambling on]
Cakemix: Peeeeanuuuts! Get 'cher peeeanuuuuts!
Tuvacca: This is absurd. [Gives Chevrolet the Vulcan nerve pinch, rendering him unconscious.] I am taking the Commander to Sickbay. Toon Space, it seems, is already having an effect on this ship.
[Tuvacca drags Chevrolet to the turbo-lift by his ankles, letting his head clobber up the steps of the bridge.]
Fairly Dim: T'hehe, I got it on my I-phone.
[Everyone rushes over and leans over Dim's consol, as he replays the punch over and over.]
SICKBAY:
[Myway enters, and hears someone singing "The Fun Song" from "Spongebob." She draws her phaser.]
Myway: The Toons are on the ship already?! [Looks around, terrified]
The Doctor: No, Captain. I'm having Chevrolet sing me a few notes so I can make sure nothing's wrong with his voice.
Myway: Oh. [Sheaths her phaser.]
Chevrolet: [Sarcasm] Pretty soon I'll be doing show tunes around the bridge.
[Tuvacca stops by the opened door for a moment, holding an ice pack to his black eye.]
Tuvacca: Commander, the day I see you do such a thing, I will personally wet myself.
The Doctor: Chevroletlost his mind on the bridge and punched Lt. Tuvacca. He was clearly hallucinating. Why he was hallucinating about boxing, I have no idea. It's almost as if he has some deeply repressed desire to punch us all in the face. But I don't know why anyone would want to do such a thing.
Myway: Why indeed. [Rolls eyes.] Do you know what made him hallucinate?
Chevrolet: The family curse. [Sits up on the biobed.] When my great-great grandfather was in college, he attended a Conference for Walking Stereotypes. While he was discussing spirit quests and animal guides with a Romani fortune teller, he asked her a question that came out slightly ruder than he meant to. He said to her, "So Miss, I understand that you are a Gypsy. But, are you the kind of Gypsy who finds the term 'Gypsy' offensive, or the kind of thinks it's okay? Oh, and please don't steal my watch." She put a curse on him and the entire family, giving us a gene that would make us go crazy at some time in our life. My family doctor turned the gene off in me before I was even born…
The Doctor: …but somehow it was reactivated when we entered Toon Space.
Myway: Wait, how does that work, turning genes on and off?
The Doctor: I'll show you.
[The Doctor brings up Chevrolet's DNA on a consol screen. He zooms in on a strand labeled "Crazy Gene." Visible is a light-switch, with signs "ON" and "OFF." The gene is flipped to "ON." The Doctor flips it to "OFF," and smiles proudly for a moment. Then it flips back on. The Doctor frowns, and flips it off again. It pops back on. The Doctor forces it down with duct tape. The switch sinks in, as if the duct tape is water; swims upward; and pops out, in the "ON" position. Chevrolet looks petrified.]
Myway: Chevrolet! [Grabs his shoulders.] Listen to me. You. Are not. Going. Crazy. Plenty of people see things when they're stressed out or sleep deprived, and it doesn't mean they've lost their marbles. Understand?
[They stare intently at each other. Then, Chevrolet's tattoo peels off his face, unfolds into two parts like a butterfly, and flaps away. Myway and the Doctor do not see this.]
THE READY-FOR-COOKIES ROOM:
[All the regulars are present except Chevrolet. Through the window, the stars are still going nuts, and trees and buildings are singing idiotically. Anvils, hammers and safes crash against the shields, making the shields shimmer and the ship quake. Everyone looks disturbed, except Cakemix, who's singing along with the Toons.]
Myway: [Bangs her coffee mug like a hammer] Order, order. This meeting has begun! [Sips coffee.] So. Our shields are weakening against the anvils and whatnot; we're almost out of coffee; and the closest thing this crew has to a sane person has just snapped and lost his marbles. How screwed are we? Anyone? Tuvacca?
Tuvacca: Extremely screwed, Captain. We are extremely screwed.
B'Zooka Tourguide: The ship won't survive Captain. Toon Space is a level of silly that's far too high for a Federation starship. Frogger was designed to withhold against mangled science, bad CGI, and implausible aliens, but not….all of this! [Gestures to the window]
Tim Parsnip: Wait, wait. If the Doc and I are both here, who's watching Chevrolet?
Myway: No one. He wanted to go on a Vision Quest, so I sent him to his quarters to do so. [Sips coffee.]
[Silence. Everyone looks around, waiting for someone to say something. More silence.]
Tim Parsnip: Chevrolet, aren't you going to point out the Captain's stupidit—Oh, wait. [Looks at Chevrolet's empty chair.] Uh….so now what do we do?
Tuvacca: We repress our emotions and carry on.
B'Zooka: We kill something! [Pounds fist]
Telephone Line: I am Bored, and socially inept. Please rephrase the question.
Fairly Dim: [Terrified] Eeeeep!
Cakemix: ….aaaall just because I…ripped my pants!
Myway: We drink more coffee, and come up with as many dangerous options as possible.
Chevrolet's Empty Chair: ….
The Doctor: …My god, I've got to heal him and fast ...
FLASH FORWARD:
The Doctor: It's not good, Commander. Peace pipe or not, you're the glue that holds this wack-job crew together, and keeps them from eating each other. Without you to talk sense into the captain and punch the underlines into obedience…well, we might not need Toon Space to tear the ship apart! ….The Vision Quest, now. Tell me about it.
Chevrolet: Well, uh, it's this Indian thing you do where you go off in the woods…except "Spoof Trek" has its own weird version where you wear a metal head-thinggy that gives you fever dreams…
[The Doctor wants to strangle Chevrolet, but manages to stop himself.]
The Doctor: What did you see inside THAT Vision Quest?
FLASHBACK, CHEVROLET'S QUARTERS:
[Chevrolet sits on the floor, and plays his Indian music record player.]
Chevrolet: Blah blah blah we are far from the stereotypes of our ancestors yada yada whatever.
[He finds himself in the jungle, with his grandfather, Dodge Caravan. But it's not the jungle he grew up in. The trees and rocks are flat, brightly colored, have faces, and are singing. It is a Toon jungle. Chevrolet appears as he normally does, but is wearing casual pants, and "Spaceballs" the T-Shit. It's a childhood memory, just without any crappy kid actors. ]
Chevrolet: Grandfather, you have to take your medicine! That will solve everything for you! Wait, if that solves everything, then why am I so afraid of going crazy? All it means is I'll need to start taking meds daily, like 99% of the U.S. population… I wonder if I overreacted.
Dodge Caravan: Carola, my grandson,
Chevrolet: My name's Chevrolet, Grandfather. Carola's my cousin.
Dodge Caravan: Cadillac,
Chevrolet: My other cousin.
Dodge Caravan: Saturn,
Chevrolet: The cat. [Sigh.]
Dodge Caravan: ….being crazy isn't so bad once you get used to it. You won't even want to take your meds. And no one will be able to force us to, because I'm so old and frail it might kill me, and you're so good at punching people that you might kill them!
[A Toon taxi cab zips to a halt in front of Chevrolet.]
Toon Cab: Get inside the car, Chevrolet! Or you'll be late for your match!
Dodge Caravan: T'hehe…'Get in the car Chevrolet'….
Chevrolet: No! I won't be like you, you crazy old fart!
[All of the Toons gasp at Chevrolet.]
Toon Cab: Hey! Show a little respect for the elderly why don't'cha!
Chevrolet: Oh I'm allowed to insult him, he's family. That's my grandfather who went crazy when I was a kid, and traumatized me for the rest of my life. Because he was too proud to take his meds. Thanks, jackass.
Dodge Caravan: [Talking to thin air] No, Harvey, I can't have a long conversation with you today. If we don't wrap up this uncomfortable scene soon, the author's going to feel horrible, and it'll be yet another Parody Paradox!
Bonkers D. Bobcat: What happened to him? Was he in 'Nam or something?
Chevrolet: No, he had an illness that let him see Toons. Like you idiots. Oh what's YOUR problem?!
[Chevrolet is talking to Rodger Rabbit, who is shedding huge, Toon tears.]
Rodger Rabbit: No wonder you hate us! If Toons made my grandma crazy I'd hate me too!
Chevrolet: [Rolls eyes] God dammit Rodger, I don't hate you. I could never harm a furry animal, even a…[twitch]…Toon one.
[Rodger continues to cry, while Bonkers and the Cab comfort him. Then the "Cool World" crab phone returns.]
Crab Phone: FRAAAAAANK! FRANK FRAKNK FRAAAAANK! THE BOXING MATCH IS A NO-SHOW! WE'RE GONNA LOSE OUR BET!
Chevrolet: Oh Pah Wraiths Rodger, if I say I'll do the match, will you shut up?
Rodger: [Stops crying] Really?!
Chevrolet: Yes, fine. Just get this acid trip over with.
[Reluctantly, he enters the Toon cab. Several singing trees and creepy skyscrapers later, Chevrolet is in a strange boxing ring. Everyone in the crowd is a Toon. If you have a favorite cartoon character, he or she is there, doing whatever they do best.]
Chevrolet: Why's this ring have only three sides?
Darkwing Duck: Foolish fool! You stand within the Cheese Ring!
[Chevrolet looks down, and sees that the floor of the ring is indeed yellow and looks like Swiss cheese. Chevrolet wears boxing gear, with a shirt that reads "Tattooed Terror." If this parody was more accurate, it would read "Mosquito Mauler," but that joke just doesn't translate. Heh, Paradox.]
Chevrolet: 'Kay…who's my opponent?
Darkwing Duck: Kid Doom!
[With his gas-gun, Darkwing points to a figure in the corner, who looks like he could kill Chevrolet with one punch. Kid Doom has his back turned, and wears a black robe, and a '40s styled hat.]
Patches O'Houlihan: Go get 'im, son! Oh, and this time, land a goddamn punch! It's like watchin' a buncha' chimps tryin' ta hump a doorknob out there!
Chevrolet: Patches, I don't know if boxing's my thing after all. You know, I've always wanted to try my hand at writing parodies—
[Tim Parsnip sticks his head under the ropes, holding a PADD]
Tim Parsnip: Hey Chevrolet, according to this troll on 4chan, this is all a rip-off a "Yu Gi Oh!" episode where Joey gets trapped in a cave, and the beings who live there won't let him leave until he proves himself by playing a children's card game! Just replace the cave with Toon Space and the card game with boxing!
Chevrolet: What?! "Yu Gi Oh?!" Give me that PADD!
Tim Parsnip: Oh, don't wanna trust your friends? Fine Tattoo Boy, you're on your own!
Cakemix: No worries! Mesa in your fever dream too! My gonna defend you! Mesa your humble servant!
The Doctor: Match is canceled! Someone's trying to wake him up! I hear there's a bear-baiting in the other arena, have fun—wait, I say this in the actual episode! What's this line doing in a parody?
CHEVROLET'S QUARTERS:
Tim Parsnip: Huh. Trapped in a vision quest. I didn't know that was possible. Then again, Christians and Jews have been trapped in sermons so long that the cops mistook them for hostage situations, so I guess it's only fair that Chevrolet's Indian religion can do the same thing.
[The Doctor slaps Chevrolet across the face, waking him. Sort of.]
Chevrolet: Let me back in the ring! I can kick that Toon's ass!
The Doctor: Relax, Commander. You're not in the ring, you were having a Vision Quest—
[Chevrolet punches Tim to the ground.]
The Doctor: Ooookay, I guess you are still in the ring. Mr. Parsnip, the sedative please.
[Tim, nursing his bloody pug, hands the Doctor a Star Freak standard coconut. The Doctor whacks Chevrolet in the forehead with it, rendering him unconscious.]
PRESENT:
The Doctor: …Well, obviously you won't remember what happened after I sedated you, so I'll fill you in. Mr. Parsnip and I dragged you back to sickbay and plopped you onto this bed. You awoke, and appeared all right. I left to inform the captain, and that's when Telephone Line informed us of her discovery, that the Toons were trying to communicate with you. When I returned, I found you and Mr. Parsnip in an unusual position, and you told me that your hallucinations had resurfaced. So I gave you a hypospray, which made things worse. Of course, if Tim hadn't been cheating on B'Zooka with you, I wouldn't have—
Chevrolet: The Doctor, I hear something.
[The Crab phone leans up towards Chevrolet, with Mickey Mouse holding up the receiver. Chevrolet strains to listen.]
Chevrolet: They're saying…. "We are silly but friendly… some Toons give the rest of us a bad name…Most of us want to help you escape…you are trapped in Toon Space, because the weasels are blocking your way out. They are the ones throwing the anvils and safes at your ship. You must kill the weasels to escape"…
The Doctor: Weasels, of course! How do we kill the weasels?
Chevrolet: [Shakes head] It doesn't make any sense, I can't keep track of what they're saying I CAN'T IT'S TOO MUCH, I'M SCARED I'M LOSING MY MIND—
Parody Author: …it doesn't make any sense…where do the "Sickbay frame story" scenes end and the flashbacks start? I don't know what scenes to put where in this spoof, I just popped the DVD back into this very laptop I'm typing on to try and double-check, and now I just feel like I was stoned for a week, I CAN'T SPOOF THIS EPISODE! I CAN'T FOLLOW THE PLOT! IT'S TOO MUCH!
The Doctor: CALM DOWN BOTH OF YOU! [Raises two coconuts, one in each hand, threateningly] YOU, Spoof Girl! Forget what scenes went where in the real episode, and just put them wherever it works in your parody! And you! [Turns to Chevrolet] You told me a bit about your vision quest, but you were stuck there for a while. Think back, and try to tell me some more. Who was there, besides Kid Doom , Patches and the Toons?
Chevrolet: All of you, here from Frogger. And you were being colossal assholes. Actually, you were freaking psycho, Doc.
VISION QUEST FLASHBACK:
[Chevrolet is on the bridge, working at a punching bag that has a picture of Wesley Crusher on it. The door to the Ready-for-a-Mindfuck room opens on and off, revealing a different shipmate each time.]
Fairly Dim: I look up to you. You're my role model. I copied your hairstyle for Q's sake!
Chevrolet: Find a new role model. Copy the Doctor's hair style.
Myway: I'm a manic-depressive caffeine addict. I need a sidekick whose normal enough to keep me from blowing up the ship, but interesting enough to mutiny against me every other week.
Chevrolet: Teach Tuvacca how to mutiny. He did it once in Season 1, didn't he?
Telephone Line: I am not included in your Vision Quest. Perhaps you are gay after all.
Chevrolet: I'm not gay I'm bisexual. I'll make my move on you after I sort out my feelings for the Captain and Tim.
B'Zooka Tourguide: You're being selfish Chevrolet.
Chevrolet: I'm doing this for you! All of you!
B'Zooka: Doing what for us? What's this scene supposed to represent?
Chevrolet: Who knows, this episode feels like it was written by the same stoned space-cadets who gave us "the Brave Little Toaster."
Parody Author: No, there is a point to this. After seeing it twice in two days and pondering it with my flue-afflicted mind, I think I've figured it out. Chevrolet is fighting to stay sane, but in doing so is keeping the aliens from talking to him. He's trying to convince himself that he has to stay sane for the sake of his friends, but in the back of his mind he knows that's irrelevant because they'll all be crushed like a tin can if he doesn't go crazy and let the aliens talk to them.
Fairly Dim: Holy fish sticks, my head hurts.
Author: YOUR head hurts?
Chevrolet: YOUR heads hurt?!
Tim Parsnip: How frakking long is this parody? This is longer than all of the two-parters!
Author: Because there's just so very much to spoof!
[Now Chevrolet is lying on a table, shirtless, getting a back-massage, from an unseen person.]
Chevrolet: Oh, thank you so much Tim, that feels good. And don't worry, I won't tell B'Zooka. [Closes eyes.]
Voice: He he he. Tim's on vacation. Mesa filling in for him!
[Chevrolet's eyes pop opened. Slowly, he looks up. It's Cakemix. Chevrolet's mouth opens, in a silent, twitching scream.]
The Doctor: My turn! [Putting on a white lab coat.] I have the most difficult job yet. I have to upstage not only you Commander, but my counterpart in the real episode! Robert Picardo is WICKED insane in this scene! WICKED I TELL YOU! [Spinning around, crazy-eyed] YES! Oh, don't worry Chevrolet I'll give you some credit. Your performance in this one single episode completely blows all of Tuvacca's gone-crazy episodes out of the sky. So it's not easy to upstage you. BUT I'LL DO IT! YYYYES! I'LL EVEN OUT-CRAZY THE TOOOONS! And the ending result, of all this poetry? [Whispers] …Show tunes! Singing trees! Mel Blank voices! Disney princesses, bad Peter Lorre impressions, flying carpets….staring to sound familiar?
Cakemix: What yousa talkin' about The Doctor?
The Doctor: Oh he knows, don't you! [Whispers, psycho eyed] Theeee craaaazy oooold maaan!
Audience: Hey Chevrolet, do you think you're gonna see Evil Doc again in your nightmares? Because we sure as fuck will.
Chevrolet: I think I sure as fuck will too.
Robert Beltran: [Signing an autograph] I sure as fuck did!
Parody Author: Why did I do this episode the week I had a fever?
Robert Picardo: YEEEES! [Frightening Trekkies at a convention] NYAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA, VICTORY IS MIIIINE…..!
PRESENT:
[Captain Myway enters sickbay. The Doctor watches Chevrolet with concern. Chevrolet is lying on the bed again, looking like a million bucks. A million bucks worth of shit. ]
Captain Myway: Well?
The Doctor: I think I overworked him.
Chevrolet: [Whimpers]
The Doctor: He's exhausted, Captain. The brooding, the suffering, the messy hair, he's never provided so much fan service in one episode before. No one has.
Captain Myway: Is it safe for him to try making contact with the Toons again?
[Simba the lion cub sees Chevrolet, feels sorry for him, and jumps up to snuggle with him. Chevrolet almost allows it, and it's almost adorable. But then he remembers that Simba is a Toon, and punches him, sending him out of the room like a furry nurf ball.]
The Doctor: Depends on how good you are at pep-talking.
Myway: Hmm…Chevrolet, how are you feeling?
Chevrolet: Kill me.
Myway: Chevie, I understand how you must feel. You grew up with your crazy grandfather and eccentric father. You were trained as a cadet by Patches O'Houlihan. And now you're here on this floating psycho ward in space. You've been playing the Only Sane Man your entire life. It's no wonder you've developed a fear of turning into a basket case like the rest of us. But can I show you something, that I think will make you feel better?
Chevrolet: I'd prefer to lie here and die with what little dignity I have left.
Myway: Remember yesterday, when you punched Tuvacca? It seems Fairly caught it on his I-Phone, and then B'Zooka helped him upload it to You Tube. It's got 8 million hits already.
Chevrolet: Really?
[Myway shows him her phone, with the You Tube video. They scroll through the comments.]
Comments: "Mosquitos kick ass!" "OMG that was so sexy!" "Mosquito Mauler FTW" "I waz punched by that Tattooed Terror in Season 1, in the mess hall, it was wicked!" "fine he can beat a vulcan but can he beat a gorn?!"
Myway: Does this give you the confidence you need to keep going?
[Chevrolet nods. Timidly, he reaches out to the crab phone, to finally pick up the receiver! Rodger Rabbit, Mickey Mouse, and Simba all look on intently, while Nails the Spider nervously starts to eat the consol next to the bed.]
Crab Phone: FRAAAAAANK!
Chevrolet: My name's CHEVROLET, dumbass! [Picks up the receiver and listens]
BOOM!
Tuvacca: [V.O.] All sane Regulars to the bridge.
[Around the ship, all the other characters look up from their work. But no one moves.]
Tuvacca: [V.O.] All Regulars who are not possessed by Toons, to the Bridge.
[Everyone takes off to the bridge, except the captain, who lingers.]
Myway: It's now or never, The Doctor.
Chevrolet: I'm trying to listen, but it's not clear enough.
Crab Phone: Hurry Toyota-Camry, hurry! Your crew's running out of time!
The Doctor: I'll need to do something to make the hallucinations more vivid…Would it be too ethically horrible of me to induce a fever?
Myway: [Throws hands up] Why not. We've turned on his crazy-gene, bashed his head with a coconut, injected orange soda into his jugular vein, let him go on a Vision Quest and kept him awake for two days. Sure. Let's give him a fever. [Leaves]
[The Doctor hovers a medical spork over Chevrolet's forehead.]
The Doctor: I'm inducing a fever to heighten your hallucinations. Then I'm going to turn your gene on to "Full Max." Do you understand?
Chevrolet: Finland!
The Doctor: Good. Let's get started.
Cakemix: Exqueeeese me, but since my don't have any beeswax on the bridge during a crisis, maybe I can provide moral support—
[Chevrolet punches Cakemix, sending him hurling through the Doctor with a holographic hum. The Sickbay doors open automatically, to let Cakemix fly out.]
TOON BOXING RING:
[Chevrolet comes falling in from the sky and crashes through the floor of the ring. He climbs out, suddenly in his boxing gear again.]
Darkwing Duck: In the corner, representing the Airhead Quadrant, the challenger Chevrolet! And in the other corner, representing Mind-Fuckery, Kid Dooom!
[Kid Doom turns around, revealing the creepy, emotionless face of Christopher Lloyd's Judge Doom!]
Kid Doom: Hello Chevrolet. Do you remember me? When I made your grandfather crazy…[Voice gets high pitched, and freaky Toon eyes pop through the sunglasses] I sounded JUST! LIKE! THIS!
[Suddenly, we see a series of Chevrolet's memories, thrown together like a badly made You Tube video.]
The Doctor: You must—
B'Zooka: escape—
Telephone Line: Toon Space.
Cakemix: Wesa—
Big Bird: Two! [Chevrolet watched "Sesame Street" as a child, so it's in his memories]
Disney Mad Hatter: SILLY!
Big Bird: Four!
Elmo: U!
The Doctor: Do you—
Cookie Monster: C!
Chevrolet: [fighting Kid Doom] Yes, I see. We must escape Toon Space. But how? You mentioned weasels before. How do we kill the weasels?
Telephone Line: Toon Space
Doctor: Calls for—
Telephone: Toon—
Tuvacca: Logic!
B'Zooka: KILL—
The Doctor: Weasels!
Myway: By—
Tim Parsnip: Going—
Rodger Rabbit: TOON!
Chevrolet: [Still fighting] …Toon Space calls for Toon logic, kill weasels by going Toon…what the shit does that mean?
SICKBAY, REAL LIFE:
Chevrolet: I can't take any more punches!
The Doctor: No one is hitting you, you loon—
[Chevrolet punches though the Doctor. The Doctor sighs, then grabs him and slaps his cheek.]
The Doctor: Enough multitasking! You're trying to listen to the aliens and fight for your sanity at the same time. If you keep it up your head's going to explode.
[Bonkers and Marvin the Martian have been following Chevrolet around the room—Marvin holding the crab phone, and Bonkers holding the receiver up to Chevrolet's ear.]
Chevrolet: If I stop fighting I'll end up crazy like every other wack-job on this ship!
The Doctor: That's a risk you'll have to take!
Chevrolet: YOU TAKE THE DAMN RISK! [Backing away, enraged, frightened and crazy.]
[A golden Oscar statue comes flying overhead, and comes to a spinning land on the bed Chevrolet was previously on.]
Trekkies: Holy Spock's beard, why the hell didn't these writers turn on Chevrolet's crazy-gene more often? If he doesn't already, Robert Beltran should play more psychos on TV!
Robert Beltran: I've returned to the stage, actually.
Trekkies: I'm buying tickets!
Chevrolet: What's all that babbling now? That doesn't sound like Toons! Why does that asshole have the same voice as me, and what's he talking about, "acting on Spoof Trek"?!
[The Doctor gives Chevrolet one last, massive, slap across the face.]
The Doctor: YOU can get us out of Toon Space! We are all about to die! And the only thing stopping you is your fear of losing your title as Sane Guy on the Ship, and your prejudice against Toons!
Chevrolet: And what if the Toons leave a permanent anvil-shaped-mark on my brain?
The Doctor: You'll still be on Frogger. Surrounded by friends, who will take care of you.
Bugs Bunny: Eh, would these be the same "carin' friends" that let him go on a vision quest while his brain was already bein' gang-banged by aliens?
Chevrolet: [Panting]…kill weasels…by going toon…toon…TUNE! SHOW TUNE! I have to do a show tune!
The Doctor: [Rolls eyes] You're obviously still delusional. Get back into that boxing ring, and this time, don't come out until you've got something to say that isn't nonsense.
Chevrolet: But Doc it HAS to be nonsense! Toon Space, Toon logic! [Claps hands together] It's all coming together! That's why the Toons chose ME! Tim, Fairly, B'Zooka, and Cakemix already like practical jokes, so they'd be no surprise. Tuvacca, Telephone Line and the Doctor go crazy all the time so they wouldn't work either. And Kathryn's the hero of the show, so they'd suspect her by default! I'm the only one the weasels would never suspect! I've got to get to the Bridge!
The Doctor: Don't make me sedate you again, Commander. [Raises coconut.]
[Chevrolet narrows his eyes defiantly. The Doctor gives a warning look. Chevrolet smiles, and runs out of Sickbay. Doc chases him. They run through the halls, pushing past crewmen, who look up curiously. Several are knocked unconscious by the Doctor's swinging coconut.]
Naomi Wildthing: But Mom, it's "Once Upon a Time!"
Ensign Spam Wildthing: Naomi, Mommy has had a long week, and she needs her "Downton Abbey!" You can have the TV after I'm asleep!
[The Doctor swings madly at Chevrolet, but hits Spam instead. She stumbles into her and Naomi's quarters, and collapses onto the sofa, snoring.]
Naomi: Okay! [Runs inside and turns on the TV.]
Crewman Tall Celery: William, this hypochondria is getting out of control. You will not "catch Commander Chevrolet's crazy," it's not contagious!
Crewman William Twizzler: Then he'll punch me, like he punched Lt. Tuvacca, only I'll die because I don't have Vulcan strength!
Chevrolet: Make a hole! [Runs between them]
Tall Celery: See?
[William peeks through his hands, and sighs with relief. Then the Doctor's coconut smashes into the back of his head, knocking him out.]
The Doctor: Dammit! Where'd that crazy bastard go?
[The Doc's eyes land on the back of someone with broad shoulders, a red uniform, and black shinny hair. He lunges and brings down his coconut. The person turns around and looks at him; it's T'Penny, the oddly masculine, ex-Mosquito Vulcan woman. She stares for a moment, then falls unconscious.]
The Doctor: S-Sorry Ensign… [Continues down the hall]
BRIDGE:
[Anvils, mallets, refrigerators, safes, and elephants are smashing into the view screen. The ship is shaking like a roller coaster.]
Fairly Dim: He he, you don't even have to put a quarter in! Weeee!
Chevrolet: [Bursts in] I know how to get us out of here! I have to contact the weasels! Move dweeb.
[Chevrolet shoves Dim so hard, the dweeb stumbles back and almost falls over. Dim tries to get back at his consol, stuttering in protest. Chevrolet, without looking up from his work, punches Dim with his free hand, sending the poor dweeb tumbling over the railing.]
Tim Parsnip: He's hailing someone in Toon Space!
[On the viewscreen appears a cartoon starship, where the four evil weasels from "Rodger Rabbit" are hurling safes, anvils, etc. out the window.]
Chevrolet: Hey! Weasels! Tell me something, is your refrigerator running?
Weasel : No…it's falling! [Tosses a fridge out the window, which crashes into Frogger's hull.]
Chevrolet: And I'm falling too…Falling for the Vulcan! [Grabs Tuvacca and smooches him.]
Weasel #1: PFFFTA-HAHAHAHAHAAHAH… [Suffocates with laughter, and dies, his soul rising out of his body with angel wings and a harp.]
[Chevrolet drops Tuvacca. The Vulcan twitches, bug-eyed and traumatized. Chevrolet throws a grass skirt, flowered lei, and fruit hat on, over his uniform.]
Chevrolet: Lua! If yer hungry for a hunk of a fat n' juicy meat, EAT MY BUDDY PUMBA HERE because he is a treat… [Points to Cakemix] …want a tasty swine, you don't have ta wine, all ya gatta do is get in liiiine…
Tuvacca: I wet myself.
Chevrolet: Aaaaare you aching…
[Myway slowly extends her arm, and turns her coffee mug upside down, dumping out the contents.]
Chevrolet: foooor some bacon!...
B'Zooka: What. The fuck. Did you do to him?
Myway: Only what we had to B'Zooka! I don't have time to go into every detail—
Tim Parsnip: We injected his bloodstream with orange soda, hit him on the head with a coconut, kept him awake for a couple days, and then cranked up a mental-illness gene that's haunted his family for generations. We had to though, so that the aliens could have their way with his brain. Oh yeah, and the Doc gave him a fever, to heighten the hallucinations….We're going to Hell, aren't we.
Chevrolet: [Shaking maracas] Heeeee's a big pig!
[Tuvaccaraises his hand for a Vulcan-neck pinch…and gives it to himself, escaping the horror.]
Chevrolet: …You can be a big pig too, HOY!
[With the last dance move, he shakes off the hula gear. The grass skirt, lei, and fruit land on various shipmate's heads. He still has his uniform on though, so this scene isn't too disturbing.]
B'Zooka: [Shakes head] It's retribution. We forced him to allow his brain to get fucked with for three days, so now he's fucking with ours.
Dim: No, I don't think he's doing this for revenge…he's doing it to kill the weasels! Look, they've all laughed themselves to death! Well, except that one, he's still got some life.
Chevrolet: Oh really? [Acts like his serious self, and says quietly]… Get the cheese to sickbay.
Last Weasel: HAAAAHAHAHA… [Dies]
Tim Parsnip: [Parts the grass skirt over his head, to see.] There's a hole in Toon Space, where the Weasel ship was before! I think we can make it through!
[Frogger flies through a long, dimly lit tunnel, and finally soars out into normal space! The Toons cheer! Chevrolet leans against the railing, panting heavily.]
Chevrolet: …half-crazy…half possessed by aliens….and running a fever….still able to function well enough…to save this ship's shinny metal ass…. You all…. owe me… BIG!
The Doctor: [Runs onto the bridge] GOT'CHA! [Swings his coconut into the back of Chevrolet's head]
Chevrolet: [Tumbles over the railing, unconscious.]
The Doctor: [Tosses coconut over his shoulder, and smacks his hands together, finished.]
MILLIONS OF LIGHT YEARS AWAY:
[In a small apartment, a woman in her 20s sits at her laptop, typing furiously. She is intent on finishing this "Voyager" parody. Suddenly, something crashes through her window. She looks up just in time to see the Doctor's coconut fly into her face, knocking her unconscious out of her chair.]
Captain Myway: [V.O.]: Captain's Log: It's wasn't easy, but we escaped Toon Space. The Doctor was then able to disable Chevrolet's crazy gene once and for all; from now on, we leave the "Go Crazy" episodes to Tuvacca; Chevrolet's just too good at it. Anyway, Cakemix then fed him tribble soup which cured the fever, but also made him cough up a couple hairballs. And B'Zooka gave him a bottle of her Clingon Women's Midol to take care of the leftover craziness left in his brain. It was all very heartwarming, and happened entirely off-screen. Naomi Wildthing even made him a "Get Well" card with a picture of him punching Tuvacca. Frogger's straight man is back to himself. Mostly.
HALLWAY:
Captain Myway: That must've been a trying week for you Chevrolet. I'm surprised you want to go boxing again, instead of just staying home and resting.
Chevrolet: I'm not sure how to explain it Kathryn. But after this last incident, I just have this very strong urge to punch something. Punch it until it's dead.
Myway: O-Okay, well, have fun! [Runs off as fast as she can]
HOLODECK:
Patches O'Houlihan: Bless my sweet dick! Where've you been son? We were waiting all week for you to show up!
Trekkies: "I am so confused…what was the point of this episode?" "Did they ever mention Chevrolet's crazy-phobia again? That plot twist came out of nowhere." "Well maybe not nowhere. He always does seem irritated whenever someone tries messing with his mind." "True, but still,"
[As the nerds blab and argue, Chevrolet calmly puts on his boxing gear.]
Trekkies: "…and the concept of Toon Space was completely illogical. The writers clearly don't understand the laws of physics." "What did boxing have to do with any of that?" "Chevrolet looks a bit pudgy to be doing this." "How old is he supposed to be? Wasn't his hair gray in Season 1? And why does his tattoo keep changing shades of blue from one episode to the ne—"
P
U
N
C
H
!
The screen is now black, and the ending credits are silent, because we, the audience, are now dead.
THE END.
A/N: This was an unusual one. Don't expect future spoofs to be this long, or have this much profanity.
This "episode" also came out a lot more…complex than I expected. I didn't plan for the "Cool World" crab phone to be the one trying to contact Chevrolet, I just thought of that twist as I was writing. And while I often make references to cartoon shows, this time, the fact that Chevrolet is quoting Bender from "Futurama" or Patrick from "Spongebob" can foreshadow that Toons are already affecting his mind…
Anyway, I think I've tortured Chakotay enough for a while, so the next few will center on other characters. "Barge of the Dead" and "Blood Fever" are on my mind. Stay tuned. (But not too tuned; I'm crazy-busy, and my internet is currently down. Next spoofs may take a while.)
Update: I made a minor line in one of the "Dodgeball" quotes, changing taking out the word "retards" and replacing it with "chimps." I did this out of respect for Robert Beltran, who has a brother with Downs Syndrome, and (as I understand) doesn't like to make fun of disabled people. I don't expect the actor will ever read this parody, but it just felt right.