A/N: A Christmas ficlet for this universe. Takes place a good while after the last bit.

Maybe it had been a mistake to insist that the team include Loki in this year's Secret Santa exchange. First of all, he didn't seem to understand the concept of secret. "That's from me," he volunteered when Tony picked up a small green-and-silver package.

And, worse: what was inside the package was a thumb drive. This had the potential to go so so wrong. "Am I going to regret teaching you about computer viruses?" he asked - only half kidding.

Loki's smile was unreadable. "I promise it's a good present. Plug it in."

He used a laptop that was not wired to so much as a printer, that could do absolutely no harm to anything no matter what Loki did to it. Loki could see that and his smile grew a little bitter, but he didn't say anything.

But the worry turned out to be for nothing - what was on the drive was just plans for the dirty bomb SHIELD had been so worried about lately. Tony frowned. "We intercepted these already," he said.

"Yes... but I stole them. Took every trace of them from your enemies and your friends. This copy here is all that remains of that bomb on earth." Loki grinned and spun a shower of sparks from his hands. "Merry Christmas."

The Avengers were all silent. "Holy shit," Natasha said at last.

Tony tried to wrap his mind around it. "You...? What exactly did you do? Sorry, I just-. I need to understand."

"I destroyed what was already under construction - they were getting close to completion, by the way - and their workshop, and some of the places where the components had come from. I warped the minds of the main inventors. Burned paper documents. And replaced all relevant computer files with pictures of tubgirl and goatse."

Steve frowned. "Tubgirl and goatse?"

"You don't wanna know." Natasha crossed her arms. "Actually, Loki, the question is-"

"I'm a god," Loki deadpanned. "I know everything."

Tony was sort of listening, but he was already busy looking around in SHIELD's archives and yes, what had once been the plans was now several large high-quality NSFW pictures that Tony would have thought were best forgotten by all civilized people. Though he supposed they were at least an improvement over bomb specs.

Natasha flicked at the thumb drive. "Smash this?"

Tony winced - he hated to destroy knowledge, any knowledge, and who knew what-

"That's why I kept the one copy," Loki put in. "I knew Stark would hesitate to wipe it from the earth, but if you want my advice that is the best course. In all the realms there isn't a truly safe place for anything."

Natasha nodded and agreed: "Things always fall into the wrong hands eventually."

He knew they were right, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. "Do the honors, Cap," he said, and shoved it into Steve's hands. He turned away while the drive was pulverized.

Later that night Loki's cell rang. He was unsurprised to see that it was Barton.

"Can Stark hear you?" Barton said without even a greeting.

"No, I'm home alone tonight. And the line is secure. Speak."

The man wasted not a second. "You told me once that your mind warp isn't permanent."

"Mm." From what he knew of Barton - and he knew everything - the truth would make no trouble. "That's true. But I thought it would spoil the Christmas spirit if I admitted that I cast a much wider net than just the primary inventors ... and that rather than take chances with mind magic, I vaporized them outright." It had been such a joy - he couldn't remember the last time he had wrought a cold-blood slaughter and felt completely righteous in it. "Minus the parts that can be used in arcane magic spells. Those, I took the liberty of retaining for my own use."

"Okay. Good. That's what I thought." A slow deep breath. "Um. And one more thing." Barton was uncharacteristically hesitant, which gave Loki a good idea of what was coming next. "Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this. But. Ahem. Thank you for not... you know... saying anything. You son of a bitch."

He laughed softly. Kindly. "You're most welcome."

Another long pause. "Look, those are just... they're things on the internet, okay, everybody's seen them. And once you see them you can't unsee them. That's the whole point of them. Okay?"

"Okay." But he couldn't resist. "Though I notice you watched all of two girls, one cup. I have to tell you, I think most humans turned it off after a couple of-"

"Screw you, Loki." The hesitation vanished into anger. "You got a lot of balls, okay, to-"

"Barton. Enough." Gods, no wonder Stark was so terribly bored by him. Some people couldn't stand to be teased at all. "All right." But he felt oddly... beholden. As if he owed some sort of apology.

Which of course Barton would never accept, because it would be a lie and they both knew it. So he did the best he could. "There will probably come a day when I'm ashamed enough of myself for having violated your mind that I never want it mentioned again."

Barton was silent.

"Today is not that day, but better luck next year."

The End.

Possibly the end for realz this time. (Except that I do have one more bit kicking around in my head for this universe, so there may be one more last thing coming.)