25. Halloween

It felt so good to hold his little brother close to him, but at the same time he couldn't help but feel like some kind of monster -- A child molester, a freak who was committing incest. He wondered if what they had done was enough to ruin Sam, to turn him into some confused, broken child.

"Is it so shocking that one human being could hurt another?" Kelly had asked him.

"No, but what you and your brother did is so far beyond that." Dean suddenly felt like what he had said to her, he should have been saying to himself. What he was doing to his baby brother was so far beyond healthy or normal. He was terrified that one day it would go too far -- that all their resolve would crumble.

Sam, God, he's so young and innocent. And here I am, taking complete advantage of him, he thought to himself. He felt almost sick to his stomach, and even though some twisted part of him wanted, needed Sam, he could barely handle the thought of what could happen… what had already happened.

Dean slowly pulled away from his little brother, carefully removing Sammy's arm from his waist. Sam wanted to protest but he didn't. And somewhere inside of him he almost felt relieved that Dean had left him lying alone in the bed. Dean's action had removed the immediate 'danger' -- the temptation. He watched as Dean gingerly sat down on the opposite bed. The moment of relief Sam had felt dissipated and now all that was left was the yearning hunger he felt so often. He closed his eyes and buried his head in his pillow.

Dean watched sadly as his little brother turned to lie on his stomach, head lost inside a pillow. Dean could see the silent sobs that were racking Sammy's body. He felt a pang of shame as his eyes traveled down that body: Sam's long, soft hair, the shoulders that were slowly becoming broader as he grew, the curve of his back, and those long legs. Dean slammed his eyes shut, but it was no use, the image of his brother's body was emblazoned in his mind. And what was worse, so much worse, was the things he could see himself doing to that body.

"Pretty? Fuckable? … You can't think of anything else besides that baby brother of yours, can you? Have you fucked him yet? Or do you just want to?" The vicious words that Kelly had whispered silkily to him hurt all the more because of just how true they were. "Bottom line: you're just like us. Sick thoughts stuffed in that pretty little head of yours…"

Her voice and everything that she had said to him pounded painfully loud in his ears. "You can deny it all you want, but that doesn't stop it from being true. … You want to fuck your brother. I mean, come on, you're a freak.

He cradled his head in his hands, desperately wishing he could quiet the cruel voice sounding in his head. A tear spilled from his eye, landing on his knee sinking into the fabric of his jeans.

"Goddammit," Dean whispered. Even with Sam's head buried in the pillow, he heard his brother curse. He could hear the pain, anger, confusion in his voice, could feel the same emotions in himself. He wanted to stand up and wrap his arms around his big brother and to tell him it was going to be okay, he wanted to tell himself it would be okay. But he didn't see how it would be. His pillow was now soggy from the salty tears he had poured into it. He heard movement and then the door open and close. Sam looked up, finding himself all alone in a cheap motel room again.

* * *

Dean glanced at the newspaper as he stood in line at the convenience store, a bottle of whiskey in his hand. WRIGHT SIBLINGS FOUND DEAD, KILLED BY VIGILANTE His heart pounded in his chest but he knew there was no evidence that could lead it back to him. He grabbed a copy of the paper and tossed it onto the counter, quickly paying for it and the alcohol.

Dean made his way back to the motel, taking a swig from the whiskey bottle as he walked. The large neon sign of the motel loomed ahead. Dean fished the key out of his jeans pocket as he walked into the parking lot.

Sam bolted upright as the door opened to see his brother enter the room. Dean nodded as way of greeting and came to sit on the other bed, taking another swig of whiskey. Sam eyed the bottle wearily, wishing that his brother wouldn't take his miseries out on alcohol. Dean noticed the look on his brother's face but ignored it, turning on the lamp between the beds and studying the front page of the newspaper. He threw it down on the bed and lied down on his elbows to read it.

"What's that?" Sam asked, leaning over to catch a glimpse of the headline. "Oh shit! They don't know it was you, do they?"

"Don't think so. But I guess I'll find out," Dean muttered as his eyes flew across the page. He finished the article within a few minutes. "No, they have no idea," Dean informed his little brother who gave a sigh of relief. Dean smiled slightly at just how sweet Sammy was. He quickly hid his smile, hating himself for admiring his brother in ways he shouldn't.

"Dean, can we go get something to eat?" Sam asked sheepishly. Dean nodded curtly, folding the paper up and tossing it aside.

"I saw a diner when I was walking," Dean said. "Wanna go there?"

"Sure." Sam nodded. The two of them stood. Dean checked his pocket to make sure his wallet was still there, it was.

"Alright, let's go," Dean said, holding the door open for his little brother and then locking it behind them.

Dean took a bite of his burger, watching his little brother intently. Sam avoided his gaze, picking at his salad and sighing.

"You okay?" Dean asked gruffly. Sam looked up and nodded slowly. They finished their meal in silence and walked back to the motel as the sun was setting, golden leaves crunching beneath their feet. Little children in costumes were milling around excitedly with their parents.

"God, I didn't even realize it was Halloween," Sam muttered. Dean nodded in agreement. The two of them found themselves envying those children's innocence, completely oblivious to the very real supernatural forces around them. Dean unlocked the door and followed his brother into the room. They each took a seat on a bed, Dean grabbing the remote and turning the TV on. They both stared at the screen, not really taking in the images or sounds that came from it.

A pang of bitterness hit Sam as he thought of those children outside and how they led normal lives with their families: average, even dull lives -- living in one place, with both parents, never having to know about the evil in the world. Of course he knew that every family came with its own set of problems but he couldn't help but think that they couldn't compare to his family's dysfunction. He glanced over to his brother who was also lost in thought.

Dean slid a hand down over his face, emotionally exhausted. He couldn't believe how out of hand his life had become. Ever since he had first acted on his desires towards his brother, and then the Wrights… he felt as though they were practically a slap in the face, a warning of what he could become. He shuddered at the thought. He wanted to believe that he could never go as far as they had: committing sick, depraved acts -- incest, murder.

No, he thought, You'll never be like them. You're not a murderer. You kill monsters, creatures that are asking for it. And yeah, the Wrights were human, but their behavior didn't set them too far apart from demons. But as for Kelly and Eric's relationship… Dean wasn't sure if he'd always be strong enough to resist things going any further. Each time he looked at Sam all he could really think about was kissing him, touching him. Shame flooded through his body like a fever. He could feel his little brother's eyes on him which only made him feel worse.

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Warning: The next chapter is going to be graphic and just pretty fucked up... You'll see what I mean.

Anyway, COMMENTS!
~aep