Chapter Twenty-Five: Second Thoughts

Anna snores.

You really wouldn't expect it to look at her, but that tiny redhead can saw logs louder than a lumberjack. She also makes this mewling sound in her throat every now and then like a car just backed over a cat or something. So, all in all, no sleep for me.

I sat up in bed and glared over at my tormentor asleep in the cot across the way, even though I knew she wasn't even aware I was in the room. I groaned as my head fell in my hands in frustration. It wasn't as though I'd had a real shot at sleeping anyway. All the worry from today had already seen to that. There was also the fact that I wasn't as confident in my plan to get rid of the Volturi as I had been earlier this evening.

It's not that I didn't think it would work. It was more like the plan was still in the theory stage and needed testing to be verified. So, until I could be positive it would be successful, I'd decided it was best to keep the plan to myself. The last thing I needed was added pressure from my family right now.

My head popped up as Anna turned over and sighed Seth's name. And that's my cue to leave. Goodness knows what she'd do, say, or moan next. I wasn't up for that. I slipped out of bed and tip-toed over to the door, intent on not waking her. As it was, she'd kept me up for hours listing her qualms about the Volturi and our family. It was sweet of her to be concerned, but her fear was so palatable that it only intensified my own. There had even been a moment when she'd offered for her and Seth to join the fight with us or to have Seth stay without her. (Both scenarios freaked her out greatly, but I still appreciated the sentiment.)But, once I assured her it wasn't necessary, she finally calmed down enough to sink into her present, noisy coma.

I slipped downstairs and into the living room, unsure exactly where I was going. I only knew I needed to be somewhere I could be alone and think. The house was quiet. Charlie and Sue were asleep in Carlisle and Esme's room. Carlisle was working the late shift at the hospital. Jake and Seth had headed off to his apartment to crash nearly two hours ago. Most everyone else was in their bedrooms doing things I was absolutely sure I didn't want to know about. (My family is passionate on many levels. You learn to ignore it. Enough said.)

"Nessie?"

I'd caught Esme's scent before I actually saw her sitting by herself in the darkened dining room. She'd apparently heard me coming down the stairs.

"Yes?"

"What are you doing up?" she asked, swiveling in her chair to look at me. Moonlight shone through the large window in there, spotlighting the overly congenial expression she'd pasted on her face.

"Couldn't sleep," I murmured, leaning against the archway. "Are you all right?"

"I couldn't sleep either."

We both smiled at her little joke.

"There are times when I miss the oblivion sleep offers," she declared, staring back out the window into the night. "There is something to be said for being able to switch your brain off for a bit—especially at times like this."

My heart ached in response to the strain I could see tightening the corners of her mouth. I put every ounce of confidence I didn't feel into my words. "It'll be all right, Mama Esme."

Her eyes flicked back to me. "You're right. Our family is strong, intelligent, and resourceful. We'll come out of this."

"If you believe that, then why are you sitting here in the dark by yourself?"

She smiled again. "Someday, you'll be a mother and you'll understand. You never stop thinking about your children—even if they are full grown."

I walked forward and placed a gentle kiss against her forehead. "If I ever do have kids, I hope I'll be as good a mother as you've been."

She hugged me close to her briefly before pulling back. "What's keeping you up?"

I shrugged. "Just not sleepy, I guess. I think I'll go outside and sit on the swing for a little while. Maybe look at the stars."

We stared at each other for the longest time. We were both lying here, each frantically trying to conceal the depth of our true fear from the other, but failing miserably. I waited for her to call my bluff. Part of me wished she would. I was sure she was waiting for much the same thing. The silence stretched on for what seemed like an eternity.

At last, she nodded. "Take the blanket from the back of the couch. It's chilly out there. And promise me you won't leave the porch."

I agreed and did as she'd asked, stealing outside before she could say anything else. I immediately made my way over to the swing and climbed aboard, folding my legs up under me as I covered myself with the quilt. The night was still. It was also cold, so cold every breath you took felt like a chore. The snow on the ground would no doubt have hardened into an ice sheet by morning. I glimpsed left, checking to see if the light in Jacob's apartment was on. It wasn't. I hoped he was getting the sleep I was missing. I closed my eyes, trying to feel him.

I could sense he was up there, but nothing else. I prayed that meant he was asleep. I knew he was thrilled about me professing my feelings before. I'd been happy too. I was still happy, but the joy was slowly being overcome by fear. I hoped he'd been better at escaping that particular problem tonight. No need for more people worrying right now.

I leaned back against the wooden support of swing, letting myself be bombarded by questions I hadn't previously allowed myself to consider. What if I was wrong about this plan? What if I'd missed something? Over calculated? What if it just didn't work? What if the Volturi showed up and we all died anyway?

I bit my lip and shuffled in my seat, trying to control the rising panic. The crunch of a foot pushing through snow brought me out of my reverie. I was instantly alert, jumping up from my position to find the source of the danger I was sure was approaching. Have they come already?

"Do not be alarmed. It is only me, Renesmee," Nahuel said, slipping out from behind the newly constructed greenhouse in the back yard.

My eyes stayed trained on him, my stance never relaxing until he'd made it up the porch steps and was standing only a foot away from me. The clothes he had on didn't fit him. I wondered if these were the same ones he'd been wearing earlier. Honestly, I hadn't noticed. The jeans were too long on him, bunching up onto his sneakers. The gray Dallas Cowboys hoodie nearly swallowed him whole as did the burly jacket he was wearing. Even the gloves on his hands looked too big.

"Whose clothes are those?" I was sure I'd seen Uncle Emmett wearing that hoodie before.

"Your uncles were nice enough to allow me to use some of their clothing. My own attire was inadequate in this weather. I'm used to a warmer climate."

His excitement at this discovery made me smile. "Why not sleep inside?"

He looked out into the woods just beyond our backyard. "I belong out here," he explained. "I've never slept in a bed. I wouldn't even know where to begin. And to be in an enclosed room while I rest? I couldn't abide that."

"You've never slept in a bed? How is that even possible?"

He smiled at my questions. "I was raised in the forests of Argentina, Renesmee, and by a vampire at that. We moved around a lot for a variety of reasons. Safety, necessity, boredom. My bed has always been wherever I made it for the evening. Believe it or not, there is a certain freedom in that, an independence I think few could completely comprehend."

This threw me. I struggled to even imagine the concept. I supposed me and my family were doing much the same thing, but only a very different scale. After all, we did change cities and houses fairly often. "But don't you ever wish you could have a home? A place to call your own? Some security, if only for a little while?"

"The forest is my home. The trees I call my own. The sounds of the wilderness around me is my security. Do you not feel more at ease in nature as well? Is that not why you were out in the meadow earlier today?"

I gave a little nod. After all, he'd made a good point. I moved back onto the swing. "Would you like to sit next to me? I'd like to ask you some more questions if you wouldn't mind answering them."

"I do not mind," he said, settling himself next to me.

It was awkward in the beginning. (He's still pretty much a stranger to me, after all.) But, soon my curiosity won out. I'll admit I started with a few stupid questions at first.

"Have you ever watched television? Or been to a McDonald's?"

He laughed. "Yes, to both. I do not like the drinks there—I prefer blood or water—but the french fries are a delight."

I stared at him in shock.

His grin never wavered as he shrugged. "I do enter the human world from time to time, Renesmee. I'm naturally a curious creature."

"But not curious enough to sleep in a bed?"

He shook his head. "You are also forgetting I am over a hundred and fifty years old. Your concept of a bed is fairly modern. In my aunt and mother's tribe, it was common practice to sleep on a rolled mat."

I nodded, deciding to drop the whole bed issue and move on to more important things. "When did you start to realize you were growing stronger? That you were different from regular half-vampires?"

He leaned against the swing. "After Joham showed up for our first meeting, he returned from time to time, always trying to convince me to leave Huilen and follow him. He wished to study my development to see if there were any differences between me and my sisters. He was already fascinated by the fact that I was venomous while his daughters were not. Each time he came, though, I refused. He blamed Huilen's influence. As I continued to deny him, his anger and frustration grew. It was probably on his fifth or sixth visit—I was nearly eighty at the time—when he lost his temper and charged my aunt. I put myself in between them and held him off. At first, he didn't think much of my abilities. But, when he had a difficult time throwing me aside, he stopped trying to attack.

"He ordered me to come at him with everything I had. As I had little sentiment for Joham, I did so, and took immense satisfaction knocking him flat on his backside."

"So you were stronger than a vampire by eighty?"

Nahuel looked over at me. "I honestly don't know. All vampires do not have equal strength. Your Uncle Emmett, for example, is clearly stronger than the others in your family. I am told a new vampire's strength is quite a force to be reckoned with as well. I am not sure how I would hold up against them. I only know that my strength, speed, dexterity, and senses have grown and enhanced as I've aged."

"Senses? Do you mean you can see farther than a vampire?"

"Yes, I also have better hearing and can track a scent from miles away. I am not sure how these skills measure up against the typical vampire as I would never allow Joham to conduct any of his experiments on me." He sighed. "I am somewhat sorry for that in light of current events."

"But, do you have any idea when the strength and other skills start taking effect?"

"Joham was constantly testing Jennifer. By the time she was ten-years-old, she was growing stronger than our other sisters. Her overall abilities were slightly more heightened than theirs. Joham had a theory that my and Jennifer's powers multiplied approximately every five years. By fifteen, Sirena and Maysun weren't able to keep up with her. By twenty, Jennifer managed to catch Joham in a foot race. But, only once."

I let all this sink in. My powers wouldn't begin to really grow for another three years? I exhaled heavily, wishing it worked faster than that. The promise of all the strength in the world wasn't very helpful if you didn't have it when you needed it.

Nahuel stared down at his hands. "As strong as she was, Jennifer was no match for Felix," he said, almost to himself.

"Did she know how to fight? Strength is great, but it will only get you so far." I recited that sentence from memory. It was a concept drilled into me from an early age by Emmett.

"No, we never considered she would need skills like that. Jennifer lived a very sedate, comfortable existence. She had a bed and a bedroom, for example." He paused to smile over at me briefly. "Besides, it wasn't in her nature to fight. She was a sweet creature who found pleasure listening to music and tending to her flower garden. Her patience and skill in horticulture will never be equaled."

Silence filled the space between us. I reached out and laid my hand lightly on top of his gloved one, trying to let him know he wasn't as alone as his expression betrayed that he felt he was. I wasn't sure how much consoling he would let me do. He gripped my hand in his and turned to stare hard at me. "I won't let that happen to you, Renesmee. When the Volturi come, I will avenge my sister's death and fight by your side to keep you safe."

"If my plan works, I hope nobody will have to fight at all."

His eyes narrowed. "You don't wish to harm the Volturi?"

"I don't see how battling with them can mean anything but death for at least a few of us. I know you're grieving for your lost sister, and I'm sorry for what happened to her, but I'm not willing to lose a member of my family in order to settle a score. Violence is never the answer to violence. It only leads to more violence, more deaths. I couldn't stand it. So, if that's why you're here—"

He watched me for the longest while, his expression closed. I wasn't sure if he was mad, sad, or something in between.

"So, what is your plan? You surely do not think you will be able to persuade the Volturi to merely leave you be?" he asked, his voice flippant.

I decided to ignore his sarcasm. "Something like that. I'd really rather not say right now. I'm still working the kinks out. But, I will tell you this. If I'm right, the Volturi will have more to fear from me than added strength and some sharpened senses. I'll have a weapon they won't even begin to know how to deal with."

He looked out into the backyard. I could almost hear his mind whirring as he tried to figure everything out. But, I knew he couldn't fully understand yet. Heck, I'd nearly overlooked the answer myself.

"Can I ask you a question?" he finally said.

"Of course."

"You seemed surprised before when you asked my second reason for coming to see you. What were you expecting me to say?"

I felt a flush heat my cheeks. I really didn't want to admit that, but, with all the ridiculous questions I'd made him answer, it seemed only fair. "I'd hoped you were coming to tell me we had some kind of super power. You know, like we could fly or shoot laser beams out of our eyes or something like that." I blushed again at my own ignorance and foolish hopes. "It made sense at the time. I wasn't really sure how you'd been able to find me in the meadow. I was miles away from home. Even if you'd managed to track us down here, I was sure you must have some other super power which helped you get to me so fast."

He bit back a grin. "I told you, I can smell for miles. And, once I've smelled something, I always remember it. I recalled your scent from the last time I was here. I'd made it to the edge of your property when I caught the smell of you heading the north. I followed." He looked slightly abashed. "I told you I was a curious creature. I'd planned only to observe you. I worried I might frighten you away if I tried to approached you while you were alone. Later, I was going to discreetly follow you back to your home and introduce myself to your family properly. But, when I caught the scent of the unknown vampire, all those plans faded away. I was almost too late in getting to you, Renesmee. I apologize for that."

"I should have been paying better attention myself. It's like Uncle Jasper always says. Vigilance."

"You were holding your own quite well when I got there. Your uncles' training skills must be great indeed."

I turned to look Nahuel full in the face. "If you hadn't gotten there when you did, Constantine would have killed me. The only reason he hadn't finished me already was he couldn't figure out what I was."

"I doubt that was the only reason. I saw you stun him. You were clever and didn't panic where others would have. With some age, you will be quite the formidable opponent."

I smiled grimly to myself. "Here's hoping I live that long."