I know, I know I am a horrible person for not posting sooner but I will give you full compensation I promise. And since TVD will be starting this week I thought it was the last chance to make fun of some of those "great romances".
Bonnie and Jeremy have a fight.
Jeremy: "When you die, I'm gonna get a tombstone for you with the inscription: 'Here lies Bonnie – a cold hag.'"
Bonnie: "And when you die, I'm gonna place a tombstone for you saying: 'Here lies Jeremy – finally hard!'"
Bonny was playing golf when she hit the ball so hard it flew into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." Bonny freed the frog and the frog said. "Thank you, but I forgot to mention that there is a condition for granting you a wish. For whatever you wish, Jeremy will get it as well but 10 times better."
Bonny said: "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "Do not forget that Jeremy will be the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will run after in flocks."
Bonny replied: "That's fine with me, because I will be the most beautiful woman in the world and he will have eyes only for me."
Puff – she is the most beautiful woman in the world!
With her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "Then Jeremy will be the richest man in the world and he is 10 times richer than you."
Bonny replied: "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
Puff - she was the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish and she said "I'd like to have a mild heart attack."
Sentences Jeremy will never here from Bonnie:
1) You have to drink some more before we have sex; I know I'm too boring to be attractive to you in any other way.
2) I am terribly, terribly sorry. I was such an idiot that I didn't notice sooner that you look like a model.
3) Your body is too hot not to be shown to the world, from now on you will only run around naked.
4) I'm gonna go and blow Klaus' head off since I was too stupid to do that the last time.
5) I wanna see you fucking the shit out of Tyler.
6) Take this money and fuck a good looking hooker; I will never be woman enough for you.
7) You are so much sexier than I will ever be.
8) I totally understand that you are pissed about being the punching bag; here, take this enchanted machine gun and magically enhanced bulletproof-vest and go slaughter some vampires.
9) Look, I can conjure enough money out of nowhere, so go and by some new clothes that make you look like the superman you are.
10) Honey, I invented magic sunglasses that can show you any person you want naked.
11) No, no. It was just a phase, from now on I'm gonna be a cool witch.
12) What do you say? We get a good porno and a lot of beer and I'm gonna summon Tyler for a hot threesome.
13) I will summon Stefan and cure him from being a ripper, than I will kill Damon and Katherine so we are rid of them. I will make Tyler see that he only fell for Caroline because he is emotionally immature and Caroline go and see a therapist. Sheriff Forbes will be transformed into a capable woman of the law and Matt will move away so he can have an actual live. At last I will curse Klaus so that he will run into a boiling volcano and takes his siblings with them. Hey, I have the power of a hundred dead witches so sure I can do that.
An inmate, locked up for murder, is on the run after 25 years of prison. While on the run, he breaks into the house of a newly married couple named Jeremy and Bonnie. He fetters Jeremy tightly to the chair and Bonnie to the bed. Then he leaned over Bonnie and it seemed as if he would kiss her neck. Suddenly he rose and left the room. Immediately Jeremy hopped with a chair across the room and whispered to his wife: "Honey! This man hasn't seen a woman in years! I saw how he kissed you on the neck. Just do what he says. Whatever you do not make him angry! Our lives depend on it! Be strong I love you!" After Bonnie had spit out her gag, she whispered: "Honey, I'm so glad you think so about it. You're right; he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he did'nt kissed my back, he whispered in my ear. He said that you're pretty cute and he asked me where I would keep the lube in the bathroom. Be strong! I love you too!"
One night Jeremy brought Bonnie home. Arriving at her front door, during the exchange of the good-night kiss, he felt a little horny.
With a trace of confidentiality, he leaned one hand on the wall and said to her: "Honey, you'd blow me one?"
Bonnie shocked: "Are you crazy? My parents would see us!"
Jeremy:"Don't be like that. Who's gonna see as at this time?"
Bonnie: "No, please, can you imagine what happens if we get caught?"
Jeremy: "Oh please, I love you so much!"
Bonnie: "No and no again, I love you too, but I just cannot."
Jeremy: "Sure you can ... please ..."
Suddenly the lights went on in the stairwell, Bonnie's younger sister appeared in her pajamas and said while blinking sleepily:"Dad says, you should hurry and blow him. If not, mom can also come down and do it, or me. If necessary, dad says, he'll come down himself and do it. But for God's sake, tell the asshole to take his hand off the intercom."