Rise

PROMPT: Castle - Rise

Chapter 25

It's been a week.

A week since they saved Penelope's friend. A week since Reid's been by with nightmares. A week since her conversation and kiss with Hotch.

She's never been so happy to show up for Girls' Lunch.

JJ, unbeknownst to Emily, feels the same. Things have been crazy since Emily's return and she's still now trying to rebalance her life again. Will's right. She doesn't get weekends and yeah, she doesn't get many days off, but it's a job she loves and feels like she's contributing to. She's saving lives, she's reuniting families and that what helps her go home to hers at night.

It means she doesn't take hers for granted.

Penelope's just glad they can do this again. She's glad she's got her family back, her girls. It wasn't the same when JJ was at the Pentagon, and it was definitely totally different with one of them missing. Penelope and JJ had been forced to stop it was just too different.

Now though, now things are normal.

There's laughter over coffee and juice, debates and deals made over breakfast orders. There's eggs, bacon, toast a variety of breakfast meats… Yeah, it's good that they're all back.

"How's Henry?" Emily asks when they've finally decided and put in their orders.

"Much better," JJ says, her relief obvious. "He's back to daycare and everything."

"And Will?" Penelope can't help but pipe up. It's not that she doesn't like Will, exactly, it's just that it's important to her that JJ is happy. The BAU makes her happy, in a way, because of the people, and she's doing a job she enjoys. Will makes her happy, most of the time, because she loves him. But those times he stands between the things JJ loves, Penelope gets a little protective.

JJ knows this. It's not the first time Penelope's gotten defensive on her behalf. She shoots the blond a look. "He's still adjusting."

"It's been a year," Emily says, in that way of hers that's entirely non-judgmental. She's just making a point. Will's dealt with the long hours before, the insanity of being called at all hours when that tipping point is reached. He's not new to what they do or that JJ loves it.

Still, JJ just shrugs. She's not sure she's quite ready to talk about that kind of drama. It's difficult, sometimes, to think that the man she loves wants to change her. It's not that she doesn't understand it – she does, one hundred percent because she hates missing Henry – but that doesn't mean that she accepts it. When she was at the Pentagon they were an entirely different type of family. "How's Jack?"

Emily's entire face lights up. It's not a secret that she's gone over Hotch's boy. "Excited for Christmas."

"Oh my God, that isn't far at all!" Penelope exclaims on a gasp. "A week."

"I know," Emily agrees with a wry smile. "Jack reminds me."

Jack, all three of them can extrapolate, is the happiest Emily is back. He's the one person who acted with pure, unbridled happiness. It had been hard, losing two maternal figures, and there's no one happier than Emily that she gets to come back to that little boy.

"He's got all of these plans," she goes on. "Cookies and decorating and trees and parties…"

"With you in them."

The brunette blushes. "I'm not there yet."

"What do you mean?" Penelope inquires as she cradles her coffee mug.

"I just… I'm not better yet," she confesses carefully. She stays away from mentioning Garrett, but goes on, "I'm not ready for that kind of emotional commitment when I'm not sure I'm good for it yet."

"You're not that damaged," JJ says. "You're doing fine in the field, you're doing what you're supposed to be doing." She shrugs. "I don't get it."

Emily sighs. She doesn't know how to explain it. That's what it comes down to. She's not sure how best to balance the emotions that she battles with Doyle and nightmares and Declan, and Hotch and Jack and the light. She's not quite sure she's ready. She's not quite sure she's deserving. "I don't know if I can explain it," Emily admits.

"If it's about the nightmares, we all have them," Penelope speaks up with uncharacteristic seriousness. Because she is no more immune to the nightmares than the rest of them. She stares at the images, upends people's lives, and she's no slouch. But that gets to her. The sadness, the death… Emily's whole thing had her tossing and turning for weeks on end.

"It's not just about the nightmares," Emily says quietly because there's really no use in denying it. "I just… I'm just not ready. I don't think I'm ready."

"Is Hotch ready?"

That makes Emily blush bright crimson. Penelope and JJ crow with laughter.

"I've wondered what it would be like," JJ reveals with a sly smile. "Having someone like Hotch court me. Intense, dark…" She shivers dramatically.

Emily's blush deepens. She's not offended or shocked. She knows she pondered getting involved with Morgan before they slid quite happily into their quasi-sibling, quasi-work spouse thing. Except Hotch and JJ don't flirt.

"You want him," Penelope sing songs.

This time, it makes Emily smile. "I haven't really made a secret of it since I've been back."

"Neither has he," Penelope replies with a wide grin. "So I don't get it."

"I can't explain it," Emily admits. She really can't. She's talking to Garrett, she's being careful at work, Reid hasn't been over since the night she stayed with Hotch last week… She feels like she's waiting for the other shoe to drop. There's something itching, just under the surface of her skin, and when it finally breaks free, she's afraid something is going to explode.

JJ sighs. "Em, you can't hold yourself back forever."

"Not forever," Emily argues. "Just until things are safe. Normal."

"Nothing is ever safe," JJ says with a look to Emily. She hates that Emily's holding herself back because of Doyle. She feels like it's an excuse, a fear that Emily will never get over until she just lets herself fall. She understands Doyle did some sort of damage, that the whole thing is a right mess, but JJ's afraid that if Emily keeps dwelling on it, she'll never move forward. She'll never know how good it can be to have a family, to have something that light to come home to.

Because Jack and Hotch… well, there's always the chance that they won't be there forever. Especially since Emily's taking her sweet time in feeling like she can take what she wants, what's right there at the tip of her fingers.

Of course, the former liaison also knows that's not the way Emily's going to take it.

"Of course not but… I don't want to put them through more grief."

This time, it's Penelope that leans in, her face stern. "Emily Prentiss, Ian Doyle is dead."

Emily shocks all three of them when she jerks violently. She recovers quickly. "I know that," she says, with more bite than she means.

Both blondes take it in stride. They're pushing, they know that. There's a look that passes between them and it says that they're in this together.

"Then why are you letting him dictate something you could reach out and take?" JJ's voice is softer. Habitual almost because Emily's starting to look like a rabbit about to run.

"I can't break them," Emily whips back quickly. "I can't put them in a situation where I could do that. I have to be absolutely sure I'm not going to break, I'm not going to run, I'm not going to hide. And I'm not sure of that yet."

"Are you ever going to be sure?"

Emily drops her head into her hands, her hair spilling over her fingers. Her eyes are dark when they meet her friends'. "I don't know."

Again, marking took over my life. That much brain power means I'm utterly exhausted by the time I could possibly write. I think though, I'm coming to the end of this. I've been careful to try and stay away from things that I know I want to cover in the next one (because yes, there's a part 3) but what that means is that I'm running out of things that need to be covered here. Both good and bad, don't get me wrong. If I can finish this early (ie: before 12/01) I'll be pretty happy.

Because! December 1st starts what I think is my sixth or seventh annual Christmas self-challenge. I'm really excited actually mostly because I'm going to be back playing around in here.

And for those of you who are prompt fans, or looking for Christmas inspiration, sienna27 and I are hoping to pick Christmas prompts by this weekend-ish. I know it's American Thanksgiving so it'll probably be a little hecktic, but we usually like having them picked by December 1st so everyone has the chance to play.

Which brings me to the last PSA of this chapter: Profiler's Choice Awards. VOTING ENDS NOVEMBER 30th. You don't have to vote for every category if you put in a ballot, assuming I remember correctly, so you don't have to read anything that doesn't interest you. Please, if you have the time, go take a look and maybe send in a ballot. ilovetvalot and Tonnie2001969 would really appreciate it.

In the meantime, I would, as always, appreciate it if you left a review here.