Hey all… sorry for being a double offender on missing deadlines…. Also this chapter is very short. I have been working on this project for a new job….
I will get the next chapter out by the 30th of October. Just bear with me until then. I have a flight planned soon, so I will have lots of time to write there.
V stands before us. Long wisps of mint hair dance through the crisp breeze. The bright sun highlights his oversized sunglasses and newfound cane. His cheeks are slightly red from the cool air, his mouth slightly agape.
He's looking at us… but I can tell by his stance and expression that he doesn't know who we are…. or where we are standing. He's blind…. he's not kind of blind, but completely and fully blind. The reality is sinking in. Things have been so crazy I never stepped back and thought about it… what it means. Not really….
Blind….
A ball is forming in my throat. I can't be mad at him… not really…. If I went blind I don't know how I would deal with it… and I'm not an artist… The loss must be greater for him than I can imanage….
"...MC?" V's voice is full of confusion.
"Hello…. V…" The words come out uneven. Although I knew we would see him I haven't prepared myself for this. I don't know what to say….
"V, we came to see you." Jumin's voice cuts through the chilly air.
"Jumin…" V moves his cane to the side, tightening his grip. The mood is tense…. I feel my body stiffening by the second.
The person besides V glances back. It's a blonde woman… but unlike I thought at first, it isn't Rika.. she looks American… and older… does she work at the hospital?
"Are these your friends?" The woman says something in English….
"Yes. We are here to visit V. We are his friends." Jumin tells the woman in perfect English. I step closer to Jumin.
"You know it's against policy to have visitors come." The woman leans to tell something to V.
"We have some business to attend to. We don't intended to bother your patients." Jumin says something out of my comprehension level in English. I'll have to ask him later what they were talking about….
"Allright… I'll head back to work. You aren't an official patient here… so I'll let this slide for now." The blonde woman walks off. I don't know what just happened but she sounded firm. Are we not supposed to be here?
"Jumin… how… how did you find this place?"
"You, of all people know that I can find anything if I look hard enough." Jumin's sounds confident but I know that he's truthfully really hurt. I take his hand… I can't help him too much, but I can stay by his side at the very least.
"Yes…I do know." V shakes his head. "You shouldn't have come here."
"V, we need to talk."
"Jumin…."
"V, I'm not going to pretend I know your feelings or what you are going through, but I wish you would have consulted with me before doing this."
"I… I am sorry Jumin." V's voice is shrinking. Putting his hands together he lowers his head. Letting out a heavy sigh, lips quivering, he quickly looks back up. "I know it may be hard for you to trust me now. But I need you to stay out of this…"
"V..." Jumin squeezes my hand tighter. Looking up at him, I gaze upon his still expression. He looks calm…. but he can't be…. He's not calm.. he's just hiding it. I squeeze his hand back. "I don't think you are thinking about this situation clearly. If you could step back and look at the situation.."
"Jumin," V cuts him off quickly. "I can't be objective about this. I'm sorry… I am not like you. Rika… she is….. I can't let anything happen, not now…. not when it's my fault…. Jumin…. I am going to stay here for a while….."
V's words wash over my body like an icy breeze. My throat feels dry. My body feels stiff. This is exactly what I feared. V…. he wants to stay here… in Alaska…. He think's it's his fault? I don't understand….
"V…" Jumin's collected expression breaks. "I've come here to reason with you. I want us to come to an understanding. It may be impossible for us not to have any secrets between us. Nor do I understand the relationship you and Rika had. I don't need to understand. The fact remains that I want to help you. You are my closest friend."
V lowers his head once again. His sunglasses slightly slipping with the motion. I see his eyes….. sadness…. compete, full, raw, sadness fills every ounce of them. The looks hits me like a sharp cold spike. He's lost so much…. he's lost his sight, his ability to take photographs, and in a way… Rika…. Maybe even the RFA too….
If he stays here he will be all alone. Who will help support him here? Rika can't. He's far from everyone that cares for him. It doesn't make any sense. But then V never has made sense to me. "I don't want to get anyone else involved." V pauses. "Jumin… I don't think I should be in charge of the RFA any longer."
"V…." My voice freely flows, full of sorrow. I don't know what to say… what to do….
"I was planning on logging on soon to let everyone know. I'd like you to take over with MC…. I know asking this may be a burden on you. But I'm no longer fit to be the leader."
"I think we should go somewhere to properly talk about this." I look up at Jumin. His face is stern again…. I step closer to him, leaning my head against his arm. "Are you staying at the hospital?"
"For now I am staying there." V says. "If you wish to talk somewhere else… I don't know where we would go…"
"I am staying at a house a thirty minute drive from here. I'd like you to stay with us, even if it is only for a bit."
"I can't leave Rika…. if she needs me..."
"V." Jumin cuts him off. "It may be presumptuous of me to assume this, but I think it could do you some good to get away from all of this for a while."
"V… I'm worried about you." Having Jumin be bold helps the icy feeling gluing my mouth shut loosen. "Please…. I… we… want to help…."
"I'm sorry MC…. it's all my fault you had to go through so many difficult things… I put you in danger multiple times because I failed to control the situation. I've failed you the most out of everyone…"
"Stop…" the words are hard to say. "V…. no one blames you… please… just… I.. I… I don't want you to feel like this is your fault. Please come back with us… everyone will miss you…"
"I can't go MC." V's voice is firm. "I need to stay here. Maybe this place can give her the healing I never did. Help fix the scars I left on her innocent heart. I can't go. I'm the only one she has… I have to pay for my sins."
Jumin closes his eyes. Ruffling his fingers through his hair a soft sigh escapes his lips. "V, if you intend on staying I can't stop you. But as your friend I can't leave you. Not like this."
"V… I think if we could understand what happened… then maybe we could help you. It's too much to shoulder all the burden of the past. I've learned… that if you open up and share the most difficult things, then… your burden is reduced in half… You aren't alone… even Rika… she isn't alone. We are all here… we want to help share your burdens. We want to help…. I see how much pain you are in…. please…. Please… V….."
Something warm and wet trickles down my cheek. A tear? I am crying…? The steak is getting wider….and my words are getting hard to keep in a coherent sentence. I take a deep breath trying to control my emotions. I don't want to cry… this isn't about me….. I can't… this isn't helping…
Jumin pulls me close, he strokes my hair, placing my head against his chest. He doesn't say a word. He just holds me…
"MC….? I have made you cry…." V's voice is in shock. "I..I…"
"It's allright V." Jumin's voice is calm. "It's a difficult situation for us all. I must insist, please come back with us… We can talk about this after we share a meal… just like we used to."
"Allright…." V says hesitantly. "Maybe a temporary change of scenery would not be bad."
I manage a nod. "Thank you V…."
We walk back to the entrance of the hospital and get back in the car. It takes the same amount of time to drive back as it did to drive there, but the time passes much slower. I want to speak to V, but what do I say? The mood is thick. I can't think of anything that would cut the tension…. so instead I sit in the car quietly.
By the time we show up back at the house my head feels fuzzy from absorbing the heavy aura being projected from V and Jumin. The car comes to a gentle stop and I get out of the car with Jumin. The air is even chillier now. My teeth chatter from the sudden change of temperature.
"Thank you for coming with us." Jumin says, taking a step closer to V.
V gives us a small nod. "It's allright. I suppose we have a lot to talk about."
"Yes." Jumin's voice is soft. "I'd like to hear everything you have to say."
Jumin takes V's hand and helps lead him inside. Following behind I keep my gaze on Jumin and V. It's still hard to believe that he's really blind…. I'm sure Jumin feels the same based on how hesitantly he is leading V.
Walking inside, warm air embraces me. Jumin leads V to the couch and we sit down. But Jumin walks over the a small rack placed in the corner of the room and pulls out a bottle of wine. Taking three glasses he sets them in front of us.
"The man that drove us here will prepare dinner. But in the meantime I have wine from Napa, your favorite Cabernet of your preferred vintage…" With a swift pop Jumin opens the bottle. "I remember when we went on a trip to Napa, you, Rika, and I."
V lets out a nostalgic sigh. "I remember well…."
"You took a stunning photograph of the sunset at this vineyard. I believe you gave it as a gift to the winemaker… in return he gave us several cases of this wine."
"I do remember….."
"V…" Jumin sits down. "Why didn't you get the surgery?"
"I….I…." V stammers. His voice is raw. As if he is unsure what to say. "I thought if I sacrificed myself for her, I could fix my past."
"And staying here will fix it?" Jumin asks. "I don't intend to stop you. But you realize what Rika did was wrong, correct?"
"Yes…. but…" V stops himself. "Jumin I need to do things in my own way."
"You need to stop blaming yourself and taking everything on you shoulders…" I speak up. I may be assuming things, but I can't stand to see everyone like this. "What happened was bad… but I think you should try and live on. Staying here…. I know I am making assumptions, but don't you think you are trapping both Rika and yourself in the past?"
I see V's body grow stiff before my eyes. Maybe I am onto something….
"V, keeping secrets and hiding things is what started this mess in the first place. It wasn't right of you to run off like you did. You knew it would hurt Jumin didn't you? Why did you do that?"
"MC….." V's voice is weak. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry to the both of you."
"No." My voice is firm. I don't know where these words are coming from, but I can't stop myself. All of this is wrong…. "Don't say sorry. That's not what we need…. or what you need. I want to know why."
"I-I-..." V lets out a heavy sigh. "I wanted to protect Rika. I don't think she should be punished. I am the one who should be punished…. I'm the one who…."
"You are the one who started the cult?" I ask cutting him off.
"No… Not directly…. But I should have stopped her long ago…."
"No one is saying you are innocent V." I say taking a sip of wine. "But you didn't do the things you are blaming yourself for…. What do you want to do? Do you really want to stay here with Rika? Or is it you just think you have to out of some sort of duty…."
"What do I want?" V asks in a confused tone. "I- I don't know."
I nod. V must be confused…. racked with guilt… "We are your friends." I tell him kindly. "We won't abandon you….so…. please…. hear us out."
Jumin gives me a nod. "MC is right V. Things have been hidden too long between us. I was hoping we could come to an understanding between us. I don't wish for the distance in our relationship to grow even greater."
"Distant… I suppose things have grown distant between us." A frown dawns V's face.
"Ever since… Rika…. left us for a better term." Jumin contuines.
V reaches out for his wine glass. I hand it to him. Taking a sip another sigh escapes his lips. "This tastes nostalgic…."
"Indeed…." Jumin casts his eyes down. "V… you are the same person I grew up with. I still trust you. I came here to help you."
"Help me…?"
"We both did." I chime in. "We never meant to make you feel like you had to hide from us…."
"If I knew discussing the investigation would insight such a reaction I would have approached the situation more tactfully." Jumin adds. "I don't intend to attack anyone in the RFA. I merely wish for things to be handled in a way that protects everyone."
"Jumin… I need you to leave Rika alone." V's voice grows firm. "You should go home."
Somehow he put walls up again….. What did we do wrong…? "Please V…. won't you at least reason with us?"
V shakes his head. "I need you to respect my decision on Rika, Jumin. It's non-negotiable."
His words sound similar to something Jumin would say. Looking at Jumin I can see the seriousness in his expression.
"V, I don't understand what you are thinking." Jumin's words ring more honest than normal. "You used to tell us all the time, that everything you did was to protect the RFA. The actions you are taking will have the opposite effect. Your relationship is the thing that currently threatens the RFA most."
"V…" I add. "This ideal that you will protect everyone is what caused everything to fall apart."
"I do not believe this is something you can do on your own." Jumin says, giving me a slight smile. "Staying here with Rika is the worst possible outcome for you."
V's body is noticeably stiff. I know it may seem like we are ganging up on him…. But he needs an intervention. If we don't shake him to his senses just who will?
"I will not leave you here." Jumin persists. "As my oldest friend, I can see clearly that you are not in a good state to make decisions. I intend to take you home with me. Take a look at what happened. You thought you could solve everything by yourself. Such misconceptions has caused great damage, enough to threaten the RFA. "
V bites his lips. He stays silent for a while. I can't read what he is thinking. All I can do is sit there quietly, sipping my wine, trying the relieve some of the tension.
After a long silence V parts his lips. "I can still hear her screams in my head…. I've never imagined that our relationship would turn out like this. When I first saw her… I thought I finally discovered the meaning to my life. I can still remember her gleaming eyes." V leans back letting out an exasperated chuckle. "Rika saw a picture of the sun at my exhibition… and she said the sun is the mother of all life. Back then I thought it was fate that I met her. Because only she could read the message I hid in my picture. When we were together, she used to ask me several times, why I take pictures."
My heart beat slows. Is he opening up? Finally?
"Remember Jumin…. When you suggested that I take photographs after my mother passed?"
"Of course. I remember everything."
"I didn't feel terribly subject to pressure while I was holding a camera instead of a brush…. I wasn't brave enough to hold a brush. Yet I burried deep inside, this dream of mine…. Telling myself that…. someday I will."
V wanted to be a painter? I had no idea… Did Jumin?
"I am a coward… the worst of cowards. I kept running away from art…. Before I met Rika….. Rika…." V sighs again, moving his head to look up at the ceiling. "She was like…. A huge white canvas that was waiting for my love. I wanted to paint and color her with my love. I wanted to make her breathtaking and brilliant. I wanted to paint her with my love, with the brush my mother planted in my hand…. I wanted to prove that I'm a person who can draw and paint….. I'm a person who can love…. I was confident I could prove myself…. Since Rika was the only audience I had. However, side effects started to arise." V looks back down at the floor, shame and regret dripping from his body. "But that was only natural. Because bathing Rika with love like the sun…. was nothing but my struggle to prove myself. So when Rika asked me to love her darkness… I…. I…" V's voice buckles. "I ignored her plea. Because her darkness was different from my values. Then one day she even started to plead to me. She said she's being suffocated. She pleaded me not to kill the darkness inside her… But I did not stop my brush. My love was suffocating her. If I understood her…. This would not have happened. Now you see that I'm a bad person. The sun looks warm when gazed from afar but if you get too close, it's nothing but a roaring ball of flames, blazing endlessly. This is what my love truly is. My ears were ignorant of Rika's screams….. "
I pause, taking in the weight of V's monologue. I can understand him a bit better….. But his way of thinking still seems flawed. He seems injured, raw, exposed. I wish I could get him to see that what happened wasn't his fault alone… Rika, even if she had been pushed, she is the one who started the cult. It wasn't V…. Why should he pay with his livelihood for another's deed?
"V…. I understand your words." I say carefully. "But… I think you have something wrong… You are not a bad person. Even if you didn't love Rika correctly, you are not the one responsible for her actions. She is the one who took the movements to establish a cult."
"I must pay for what I've done to Rika." V says firmly. "After all this time with Rika… it feels like I've learned something other than love… something that isn't love. I am so sorry to her. I could finally see after coming here what I poured upon Rika wasn't love, but my selfishness. I didn't love Rika. I was only trying to prove myself. Now I realized what my love truly is…. I feel terribly sorry for her. I cannot stand it. I feel sorry for the rest of the RFA too… and especially for you MC… you even got hurt….. You were just an innocent victim. Jumin….should hate me because it was I… I was the one who hurt your wife…."
"I couldn't hate you." Jumin speaks up. "You only just realized this. Ignorance isn't a sin."
"I...I think it was a process of discovering who you really are. Now you know love a little better." I phrase it as kindly as I can.
A smile flashes on V's face for a moment. "Process of discovering myself? I feel a little lighthearted when I think like that…. But then what about the people my ignorance sacrificed? What am I supposed to do about Rika now? I can't stand my guilt…I hurt everyone with my selfishness."
"V…." I stand up and sit by his side. He needs comfort…. I don't know if this will help… but it is the only thing I can think of. Wrapping my arms around him. "I understand….." I whisper. "But I wish you wouldn't lose your hope in love."
"I don't feel like I deserve to love anybody from now on. I… Now I want to stop. I want to stop hurting Rika and myself…. Now everything seems pointless. Grabbing her darkness to stand against my light… and vice versa. I wish to end everything now."
"Don't talk like that….." I frown. His words seem dangerous…. He seems unstable. Jumin looks lost. Unsure how to respond to his hurting friend in front of him. "You have your friends…. We all want to stand besides you and help you. V…." I feel my eyes growing wet. "Jumin cares for you so much he ran here as soon as he found out where you were…. I care for you…. No one holds any resentment to you…. We will all be by your side as you heal."
Jumin gets up and sits on the other side of V giving him a nod. "V, please come back with us."
"I don't think I deserve this comfort…. But thank you nevertheless…. I'm sorry Jumin…. MC…. everyone. I'm sorry that this is who I am. I'm not sure if I really deserve your hospitality."
"You do." I affirm.
"Don't you think I am pathetic?" He scoffs. "It must be frustrating to hear me apologize again and again. You two should leave before I find a way to traumatize you more. This is where I belong…. Here I can live quietly with Rika in my own sins."
"Do you really think Rika can heal if you are here?" My words may be bold…. But I need to make this man see. He's thinking all wrong…. "Yes you have traumatized each other…. And yes you have hurt the RFA. But that doesn't matter, it's in the past. Trapping yourself in past sins is just an indulgence of your guilt. If you really want to make it up to everyone… live on… bravely… change."
Jumin and V both freeze. Had my words been to bold?
"I….I don't think I can." V says quietly.
"Then I will make you….." I stand up. I may be crazy…. But I can only think of one thing to heal this sad man…..
Kittens.