Coulda' filled a garden with all the flowers that you gave me, but none of them were ours; you know the problem with history, it keeps coming back like weeds.

And when nothing feels enough, at least you taught me how to love, how to love - but he keeps growing back like weeds.

Baby, just open your eyes to see, he's growing from inside me - and I just don't know what to do; I thought I cut him at the root.

. . .

Once the semester was over, everybody split off. Renji had dropped by to say his farewells, since he'd heard Ichigo was leaving town to go home for a while.

' It was fun, Ichigo,' Ichigo remembered their final conversation. ' We had some good times.'

'Yeah,' he'd agreed.

They might not see each other again since Renji was switching colleges and Ichigo was doing on-site training starting next fall. Renji and Rukia seemed to be closer than ever. Ichigo hasn't seen her this happy in a long time.

Ichigo had been coping well enough. He'd borne through their last time together without any ill will towards Renji's happiness, but he still thought about it a lot, still was sad over it a lot.

But he got why Grimmjow called it a hollow-point smile now. Explosive and destructive like any other bullet, but empty inside, empty with the part that tore through you first. That wasn't the worst of it either, because once it got inside of you, that's when it caused the most damage. That's when it really hurt, not when it first pierced you, but once you let it in there. That's when the hollow point burst and the bullet expanded and gouged out as big a piece of you as it could.

And once it finally halted somewhere in there, you bled and bled and bled. Say you survived that blow, good luck ever dragging the pieces back out, because they scattered in the explosion and embedded themselves within your flesh, miniscule and never to be found.

And yeah, it had happened to him – he was the idiot without the bullet-vest who'd gotten the tiny scattered bits in him, and there was no point moaning about the blood in his mouth now. This was the bed he'd made, and you know how the saying goes – you've made you bed and now you have to lie in it with the dogs, don't let the resulting proverbial fleas bite, sleep tight like a snug-bug in the rug, don't open that can of worms for the early bird. Or something like that.

It all undeniably hurt and ached. Because he was living in the real world now, yet that pointlessly hopeful, wistful, and dreamy 'could have' was still there, this annoying little bud sprouting and ripping through his heart's flesh in a futile search for that sunlight - it refused to die, no matter how it was choked in the onslaught of the flood.

Rukia had spoken to him since they'd split up, and she'd mentioned Renji – gently, of course – she'd told him he was doing alright, that they've been talking and that things were getting better between them. Ichigo was glad. Really he was.

The only time it had really hurt was when Rukia had asked what had gone wrong, why things had stopped so suddenly after they'd been doing so well. Ichigo had no answer, nothing to tell her, because even though he understood, he didn't really know where things had gone wrong, he didn't know what the last straw had been or the exact moment that they'd been driven apart - what had made Renji decided to walk away. He didn't know. He just didn't know.

He said nothing other than tell her that they'd had a good run and that there were no hard feelings.

Rukia told him that she'd seen for herself that day when they'd all been together, that she'd known the moment she'd seen them together that she'd been wrong to tell him what she'd said in the beginning about Renji fooling around with him, because she'd seen how Renji had looked at him. She said he looked at him like he'd never seen anything so beautiful.

That was the only time it hurt, and even then, it was just an ache, not really pain in any real sense of the word. Just an aching dazed buzz, numb almost, like the pit-patter of water on your back in the shower, drilling against your skin for so long that the flesh didn't really feel anything clearly anymore but the temperature. Cold rain on your back for so so long that you could go under the knife and only feel twinges on your numb flesh.

Ichigo didn't bear any resentment whatsoever, truly.

He'd realized that loving Renji had been like trying to put a collar on a wild animal. You could feed it and pet it, and you felt like it was yours while it was walking through your home, you felt like it loved you, you could even put a collar on it – but you never really owned it. It could leave at any time and run back to the jungle where a collar didn't mean shit. And that wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

The abrupt bittersweet ending didn't make what they'd had fake and worthless, it didn't make the red lotus any less true or beautiful while it had been in bloom. Autumn had simply arrived. Everything withered and faded, even that rare and exquisite thing that the flower had represented. It only made it that much more precious.

Ichigo missed Renji's face. He missed his lame jokes. He missed him being there. They hadn't seen each other again since then, they hadn't texted. Ichigo was trying not to miss him too much. He tried not to think about him. Sometimes he'd even forget about him for almost a whole day at a time.

Campus was mostly empty by then, everyone having left for winter vacation. Going between the dorm and the car, Ichigo was making a final trip, packing up to go home. He'd already said goodbye to Grimmjow the previous day. He'd agreed to split an apartment with him next semester – he'd continued being strangely nice to him for the past weeks. Well, not nice exactly, he just hadn't been a jerk, hasn't kicked him while he's down. He'd taken him for a bunch of joyrides in his baby-blue convertible for what came down to no other reason than to chill together, although Grimmjow always had an excuse or errand of some sort.

When he gathered up the last of his stuff and closed up their vacant dorm, he walked out to the car with just his backpack and a sack lunch. At the sudden call of his name, he looked up, and was surprised to see Renji in the distance with his hand raised. At having seen him, Renji jogged over to him.

"Ichigo! Hey!" he said rather breathlessly, coming up to him with a hesitant smile.

"Uh, hey," Ichigo replied with some uncertainty, popping the trunk to his car and beginning to arrange his last boxes.

"... Uh, how's it goin'?" Renji began.

"Packing," he said succinctly. "Actually just about to, uh, go."

"Oh yeah, you're headin' home, right?" Renji noted.

"Yeah."

"Cool, cool." Renji swayed with his hands in his pockets. Ichigo pressed his lips together, watching him with a weird look on his face. This was sort of awkward. Ichigo didn't really know why he was here, or what to say to him.

"You're transferring, right?"

"Yeah," Renji straightened up with a grin, "Just for my last few credits." He was quiet for a second or two, as if waiting for Ichigo to say something, but Ichigo was mellow and silent in the face of his friendliness. "You?" he prompted.

"Ah, well I got that internship, so… Gonna' finish out the school year and then do that."

"Right."

"..."

For the first time in ages, it was silent between them. It felt stilted and polite and Ichigo didn't know what to do with this thing , this thing that's between them and keeping them from reaching one another.

He knew it had been there before, before he'd known Renji, but he didn't know how to cope with it now that he'd once been on the other side, the inside. Looking through a pane of glass, everything looked eerily similar, but just not perfect. Something was altered, although one could never tell just what it was.

Renji might've been having a similar problem, because his usual friendly demeanor was beginning to falter. He didn't seem to know what to say. He didn't seem to know how to deal with Ichigo either. Who knew how many other people had become friends after sex for Renji - that must be what he was trying to do now, and yet, it wasn't working. It had to be confusing to him, but Ichigo didn't think he could be Renji's friend after that, he didn't think he could ever separate those feelings. He didn't know how to look at him and not see the man he'd kissed, the man he'd made love with.

It was weird, how a person could be gone, but the heart still wouldn't accept it, wouldn't let them go anyways - wouldn't stop loving them. That must be what heartbreak is: wanting back something that you can't have.

Renji seemed to be waiting again, somewhat apprehensively now, and Ichigo was just wondering why he was so quiet yet somehow without that serious look to him for once, instead almost curious and confused.

He thinks he knows why Renji came here. One last apology; recompense. He'd come to shake Ichigo's hand, so to say. They'd had a good run, and it was time to go their separate ways, to part amicably as friends.

Ichigo broke the silence. "Look, I, uh… Good luck!" He held out a hand for a handshake and said a formal goodbye, the kind you only gave when you knew you wouldn't be seeing each other for a long time, maybe never again.

That's when Renji left the 'doing the right thing' script that Ichigo had been trying to follow, and everything went off the rails.

Renji's eyes suddenly darkened and instead of grabbing Ichigo's hand, he grabbed his collar. Having expected nothing of the sort, Ichigo just blinked. "Wh'-"

Renji grabbed him and slammed him around, putting a hand in his hair and fisting it, holding his head against his car. Ichigo dropped his backpack and his soda clanked and rolled away on the pavement.

Shit, was he getting mugged? What the fuck was he doing?!

In that moment, Ichigo tried to struggle, but Renji was on him, having taken advantage of his moment of surprise and twisted his arm back. He was monstrously strong, holding him roughly, and Ichigo couldn't get much leverage.

"Get off!" Ichigo shouted, "What the fuck are you doing?! Get offa' me!" He thrashed, but Renji just twisted his arm further, painfully.

Heart racing with adrenaline, Ichigo tried to turn around so his shouting could take full effect, but Renji barked at him, "Don't look at me!"

Ichigo didn't know why, but he went limp at that, like a wild rabbit frozen under a hunter's hand. A moment later, it registered that Renji had done this before, and that this was what he did when he was trying to talk to him, but ow, it was hard to be calm, goddamn that fucking hurt!

"What the fuck, Renji, that hurts!" he shouted, but stood still.

"Don't fucking look at me, if you look at me, I'll fucking kill you," Renji growled, shoving his head further against the car as he said it, "Got it?"

"Okay, okay!" Ichigo yelled back as his face was ground into the window.

"It's personal…" Renji eased his grip minutely, but didn't let go. "You have to forget every word I say from this moment."

"Fat chance," Ichigo mumbled, although it probably wasn't smart of him to do so with Renji acting so unpredictably.

"..." He couldn't see his expression from the way their bodies were twisted apart. Renji's whole body was locked against his, his boots pressing Ichigo's legs apart and his torso and hips pushing his smaller frame against the car. Ichigo thought if he really needed to he could get free, but he might dislocate his shoulders doing so.

He knows what Renji's doing - he's trying to open up to him, like he once did in the woods, but now that he's outside again, now that he's been pushed out, Renji can't be vulnerable like that, can't open himself up, can't look him in the face, not without whatever this is. Just because Ichigo gets it doesn't mean he appreciates being manhandled.

"You gonna' say somethin', or…?" Ichigo prompted when Renji just continued the body-lock silently.

"Fine!" Renji barked, then huffing frustratedly. After a few moments, he hedged, "How have you… been?"

Ichigo stared incredulously into his car, face squashed. "... Um, fine?"

"I mean, after…"

"Oh," Ichigo mumbled. "Okay, I guess."

"Well, I'm not," Renji bit back, and Ichigo didn't register it immediately until he added, "Okay, I mean."

"Oh."

Renji still had feelings for him, still missed him, still hurt too, the same way he did?

"Renji-" he tried, but Renji talked over him.

"Just shut up and listen for a sec'," Renji steamrolled, sighing roughly. He tried to start over, his voice tired, but less angry. "I dunno' what I woulda' done if you hadn't been there during that shit."

Ah, Ichigo got it now. This was just an apology letter. This was obligation. Voice going flat, Ichigo brushed off, "Hisagi did more than me."

"I'm trying to thank you!" Renji growled, "You did a lot! You're the one who got my head together. I was gonna' let him ruin me, and you snapped me out of it!"

"... You're welcome?" Ichigo tried to shrug, but he couldn't with his arms wrenched back. What did he say here?

"I told you to shut up!" Renji gripped his hair tighter, fuck, ow!

"Holy shit, Renji, ease back!" Ichigo yelled, completely unamused.

"Look… I gotta' tell you," Renji said seriously, his voice going low as he paused for a long time.

Ichigo had to hold very still to hear him, even the wind occasionally drowning him out. "When I lost Rukia… I've never felt pain like that before," he confessed. "It was like there was nothing. Just… nothing, dig?"

Nothing that would make him feel better, nothing left in his life that could make him happy, nothing left inside him – yeah, Ichigo got how it was to lose someone like that.

"I dig," he said shortly, as understanding as he could be when he was in a body-lock and still kind of ticked about it. "Point?"

Renji tightened his fist in his hair, which made him hiss and shut up.

"You're making this harder, just shut up."

"Okay!"

"I've known a lotta' people since I lost her," Renji went on. "I'm happy with that. I care about every one of my buds. Really. I wouldn't trade the people I've met because of losing her. I wouldn't change it back now that it's happened."

He was quiet for a second, his voice going raw, and his body seeming to cave against Ichigo's back. "But… there's this… pit," he rasped.

Ichigo knew where this was going. There was this empty place in Renji that made him feel like he didn't deserve to live if he wasn't helping someone or proving that he wasn't a waste of space. Ichigo knew how it felt to have that sunshine ripped from your life and feeling like nothing could ever replace that, could fill that hole up perfectly. He knew, oh god, he knew that void.

If Ichigo could stand at the edge of that pit and see Renji down there, he'd let it rain, he'd let his heart rain and rain until the pit filled up to the brim and Renji floated up to the top and crawled out. If he could do that, he would.

"I really thought I'd never find happiness again until I got her back," Renji got out, "But nothing seemed good enough, I never felt good enough and I couldn't seem to breach that distance. We've been apart for so long, Ichigo, I'd almost given up hope. But that day…"

Ichigo listened in silence, breathing as easily as he could with his torso crushed under Renji's pressing arm.

"Ichigo, it was like magic," Renji tried to explain. "It's like all of that time when we couldn't even look at each other never even happened. I don't know what it is that you did, but you made both of us feel like we could look at each other again. We're starting to… y'know, talk and spend time together like we used to. You have no idea how much that means."

Ichigo could see Renji in the reflection on the window now, and his eyes were wide and wild and screaming ' you, you, you.'

"I was jealous of you for a long time, you know, being her new best friend," Renji's voice broke into a whisper, "but then you bring her back to me." Ichigo closed his eyes, his forehead cool against the glass. "And all that pain, it's like those ten years were just my imagination."

It was quiet for a time but for the rustling of the trees on the border of the student lot. "But they weren't," Ichigo eventually said.

Renji didn't clobber him that time, instead murmuring back, "Yeah… they weren't. It was a long long time." Ichigo sighed, the pain coming through in his silence.

"What I was trying to say before is, ever since I'd lost her… there'd been nothing," he said, clarifying, "nobody."

Very quietly, Renji confessed, "I've been really lonely."

Which was a surprise, considering he was always with people, but maybe that was just a coping mechanism, making friends with everyone to try to fill that hole.

"I could go through life and meet people, but I missed her so bad," Renji said, "I'd miss her so much I'd just want to see her face and hear her voice, but if I saw her around, I couldn't go to her, I couldn't talk to her, and it would just bring it all back." Ichigo imagined it as Renji continued, voice subdued by pain.

"We'd pretend like we were strangers, like we didn't even recognize each other passing in the hall. I didn't think things would ever change," he said. "It was hard to remember how it was before. It was like it had always been that way. I just hurt, all the time."

Ichigo let his hands close into fists. "... And then," Renji muttered, "Then when I met you, it stopped." They just stood there for a second in the wind, Ichigo still with surprise.

". . . It just stopped," Renji whispered. "... Do you know how that feels?"

It stopped feeling like a body lock and more like a hug. He'd let go of Ichigo's hair, but was still keeping him pinned to the car. Ichigo tried to see Renji's reflection in the window, but the sky was overcast now and his face was shadowed.

"Yeah," he said.

"I dunno'," Renji mumbled, "It's not like you replaced her, but you felt like her, a little bit. It felt like…" he swallowed, "like you understood me like she did, like you saw me. I'd do dumb shit and you'd gimme' crap, but you'd still like me anyway just like she did. I didn't have to be anyone." His forehead brushed between Ichigo's shoulder blades then like on their first night together when Renji had held him down and told him not to look at him when he talked, the first time he'd tentatively shown him a little of his fragile tender inside - like an abused animal slowly creeping in, scared, but wanting to be pet.

"And it… that pain just stopped," he explained. "And once we got closer, I thought… I thought I would've liked to stay like that. That you could be that person."

"..." Ichigo didn't know what to say.

"Ichigo, I'm not very brave," Renji rasped, and was quiet for a long time. "I dunno'. I just…" His voice grew jerky and hesitant then, "I dunno' why I do half the things I do. I dunno' why I wreck things for myself over and over. I don't know why I do these things…"

Ichigo remained silent still, waiting for him to go on, and Renji eventually tentatively prodded, "Will you say something?"

He let his head thud against the car, closing his eyes, unable to help being exasperated. "This entire time you've told me to shut up and now you want me to talk? What do you want me to say?" he wondered tiredly. "That you're stupid for getting scared? That shit's a natural survival instinct."

Renji's grip grew tight on his wrists, not in anger this time, somehow seeming involuntary.

"You see a threat, you run, you live," Ichigo dismissed, "What do you want me to say? That I forgive you? I'm not mad, Renji, there's nothing to forgive. You did what you had to do."

"No, I didn't," Renji rasped urgently, "Not really. You were… I wanted… Ichigo, I wish..."

"Yeah," Ichigo replied, because he understood, really he did.

"I never meant to hurt you," he insisted, his voice wrenching with guilt as he tried to explain. "I never planned for the run and go."

"I know. Renji, I know."

"... You just got in too deep. Inside a' me, I mean," Renji croaked, "And yeah. I got scared. The thought of having you ripped out of my life and that pit coming back double-strong scared me." Letting out a gusty sigh to try and ease the emotion in his voice, he went on, "And then I fucked up so bad, and I thought for sure it was over. But you stuck around." He cleared his throat. "You helped me."

"..."

"And then I ran," Renji growled at himself. "I dunno' what I was doing, I got exactly what I wanted, you stayed , but... you were just so close to me," he tried to explain. "I dunno', maybe I thought I'd end it then before I could fuck up again. Maybe I thought I'd play it safe and get out clean early so I could come away okay. But like I said, I'm not."

"..." Ichigo listened with a frown, staring off at the distant trees, Renji's voice behind him. He could barely comprehend what Renji was saying, what it meant.

"'Cause it's already too late," Renji got out, his voice hesitant and almost shy. "There ain't no playin' it safe. There's no takebacks." He cleared his throat again and said, "It's a natural fact of life that by caring, you give someone the power to hurt you. It's just… you became that person, and it scared me, knowin' that losing you could hurt me as bad as losing Rukia hurt. An' I got spooked," he rambled, "An' I did what I always do when I get scared, I say fuck it and get outta' there."

He'd let him go by that point but Ichigo still didn't turn around, giving Renji the privacy he needed to be able to bare his soul. He'd straightened up and braced his hands on the car, and Renji had stepped back from him a few paces.

This was all well and good, and he's glad Renji was apologizing or whatever he was doing, but it was too late to do anything about it now, and Ichigo wanted him to know that he wasn't upset, that he shouldn't feel obligated to make things right or say sorry.

"Renji," he tried, but Renji cut him off.

"Lemme' finish," he said, so earnestly that Ichigo let him. "After I had some time to think about it, I realized that I don't regret anything Rukia and I said or did," he said slowly, "and if I could do it over again, if I had the choice to never meet her, just so I wouldn't have to live with that pain when we drifted apart… I would still do the same things just for how great I felt when we'd been together that short time."

Ichigo felt the same. He got what Renji meant; he wouldn't take back knowing Renji no matter how unfair it felt that it had been so short.

"She an' I talked after you left, you know… an' she knew what I was doing, of course she did," Renji huffed a laugh at himself. " I didnt even know, but she did. She's always known me like that. She told me that if I let you get away on account a' cowardice, it'll be the dumbest mistake I've ever made and I'll regret it my whole life long…" Renji seemed to scuff his toe from the sounds of it. "And she's right. She always is."

He cleared his throat. "And you," he muttered. "You told me once about shit that'll haunt me for the rest of my days, and you're right."

Coming to the point, he said, "Ichigo, I've already done so much shit I regret in my life, I've made bad decisions, but being with you wasn't one of them. I'm sorry I ran away. I don't know why I did, but I've stopped running now."

Ichigo didn't reply, continuing to listen in silence to see how far Renji would go.

"... I dunno' why it's over, or what I thought I-" Renji's words sped up, breathless. "I dunno' what I was tryin'a' do, but I can't do it," he insisted, "I can't forget about you. I don't want to go our separate ways like nothing ever happened. I don't want to go back, I never want you to be just a face in the crowd to me ever again."

Ichigo turned then, finally, and Renji was staring right at him. He was red all over: eyes, ears, nose, forehead, cheeks, hair. His nose was running in the cold air, he had no hat or coat and was glowing like a frostbitten idiot.

"Renji," Ichigo said slowly in dazed wonder, "... your face is red."

"Shut it, that's you," Renji replied, looking at his feet. "... I'm sorry for… for," He waved a hand to try to illustrate his point.

"It's nothing," Ichigo heard himself say, still staring at Renji's blush.

They were quiet for a while, with all that out in the open, neither of them knew what to say next. Renji looked at him with a certain caution, seeming not to want to get too close to him now, even though he'd grabbed him viciously earlier. Now that he'd said all that, he looked nervous, his eyes big and hesitant.

"So what now?" Ichigo tentatively hedged at last. Renji sighed, looking down for a moment like he was gathering his courage.

"Ichigo, I'll be straight with you," he said seriously, "I dunno' what I would've done if I hadn't had you there throughout this whole thing and I don't know what the fuck I'll do if you're not there the next time I fuck up." Trying to joke, he quirked a smile. "I do it a lot."

Ichigo couldn't smile back, every word ringing in his brain.

"I know I'm the one who ended it, but I was bein' really dumb. I ain't done right by you," Renji acknowledged, "I don't know if I can repair that, or if I can make up for bailing, but… this whole thing made me realize…"

Renji looked up into his face, his expression soft but burning with sincerity. "I'm really stuck on you, kid," he said, heartfelt.

"But that's not bad - I don't care," he breathed, "I don't. I don't wanna' be unstuck." Ichigo's mouth went dry, his feet stuck in place. "Any risk is a good trade for how awesome I feel with I'm with you," Renji told him, eyebrows scrunching. "For… for the person I became after I met you."

When Ichigo still said nothing, he cleared his throat and eased back a bit, trying to lighten the mood. "So… I mean," he tried to grin, "if you still feel like taking a chance on a mutt like me… maybe you can forgive me and take my ass back."

Shifting from side to side, he muttered with a smile, "C'mon, don't make me put my forehead to the ground."

Ichigo snorted, and gave this lopsided smile, shaking his head with a sigh. Renji's grin began to fade, his expression growing openly anxious as the seconds passed.

"I never know what's going on in that red head," Ichigo huffed.

Frustrated and put-upon, Renji rasped, "I've thought about how to say this to you for days now." Scrunching his face up, he threw his hands up against his head. "I made a written draft! I put aside my pride! It's cost me a lot to say these things, so please respond," he practically shouted.

"C'mon, don't make me beg," he said desperately, eyes wild, "For god's sake, don't make me say it again. I never want to sound that shitty-sentimental again for the rest of my life! Say something, I'm holding my heart out to you!"

A red flower, extended for him to take.

Ichigo just looked at him wordlessly, and Renji heaved for breath, his expression beginning to drop towards panic.

"Ichigo?"

He could hear those things like it was the first day. ' Ichigo, hey!

Isn't there anyone special? You never hope something crazy will happen and make your life a thousand times better?'

I'm crazy for you, Ichigo. I'm crazy! I feel crazy!

Thanks for fixing me up.

I just swear.

Aw, you drive me wild.'

That feeling they'd shared, they were the same inside, the dark scared parts that they'd shown each other without shame, Ichigo had never felt like that before.

'Can't let this slip through my fingers.

If you're insecure, I know how you feel.

I don't know what to do I'm so happy. Feels fuckin' beautiful.

Oh, this? This is for you.

Do you know how that feels?...'

"Ichigo?" Renji prompted again, visibly sick by his silence.

It was only the early evening, but the sun was already setting, and the chilled wind whipped up dead leaves around them, ruffling their hair and numbing Ichigo's ears.

"You're a whole lotta' crazy," he finally said with an amiable smile. "This semester's been wild. I haven't had fun like that in ages." Hope went into Renji's expression for a moment.

"But you're right," Ichigo agreed grimly, "It's a scary thing giving someone that power. And I haven't hurt like that in ages either."

Crestfallen, Renji tried, "I-"

"For all the shit you've put me through and however annoying you are, when I'm with you I feel pretty awesome too, and I think you're right about it being a good trade."

Renji grit his teeth and adjusted his jaw, then looked away and swiped subtly at his eye, shifting around. Ichigo rolled his eyes and opened his driver's side door, getting in and shutting it behind him.

Standing outside awkwardly, Renji put his hands in his pockets and hesitantly took a few steps closer. Ichigo looked out the window incredulously. "The fuck are you doing?" he wondered, rolling the window down.

Tentatively, Renji met his eyes, raw and calling out to him - 'Don't walk away. I came back, don't turn me away.'

Ichigo let the corner of his mouth lift. "Get in, loser," he said. "We've got a lot to talk about."

Renji stared for a moment, and Ichigo rolled the window back, starting the car. After some time, Renji crossed over and got in on the passenger's side, and Ichigo backed out of the parking spot and drove off.

He put his open hand on the console and Renji took it firmly, squeezing it hard. He clasped Ichigo's hand on top of his thigh and smiled softly, which so much relief that he looked like he could float away on the wind.

Ichigo couldn't stop a smile. The actual flower had wilted ages ago, but he'd been a fool to think that meant it had gone away forever.

Just like that feeling, lotus were perennials, and bloom again and again.

. . .

I don't feel any pain. A little fall of rain can hardly hurt me now. You're here, that's all I know, and rain will make the flowers grow.