Twenty-Five
The day goes like a blur. Classes, lunch, classes, home. Run from mom, run from Emma, run from ourselves, sleep with Hiccup, my bed this time. Start again. Classes, lunch, classes, torture, going home beneath the snow. Snowball wars and cuddling in the ground. Cry sometimes.
Hide at school. Hide at home. Hide my cuts from Hiccup, they're almost healing now.
Hide, hide, hide until it is Friday.
When the school halls are empty before last class, I steal the first kiss near his locker. He blushes, and pulls away.
"Not here." He whispers, grinning.
I smile before kissing his temple and leaving for my final class (trig, failed again). I hold the golden bishop during the entire class until I can stuff everything inside my backpack and flee through the door.
And Hiccup is not waiting near the car. Neither in the crowd that fights to break out the doors to the street, nor in the few luckless people who leave late, nor in the parking yard, nor anywhere.
Not in the Folstenrooms, not in his last class (physics), not waiting in the car. Not answering my messages that I text him. I shut my eyes and curse my spirits before jumping into the car and starting the engine.
Snow and rain mix together, and starts raining over the windshields. He is not in the way home. Not in the street.
But the lights of his kitchen are on.
I pull in (mom's) Dr. Howard's driveway, and sprint to the house next door, rain splashing on my head. There is an invisible spirit that rub its fingers through me as I enter the front door without knocking. He left it unlocked.
"Hiccup?" I ask. The kitchen is the only illuminated room in the house. "Hiccup?" I speak louder.
I see the red river on his bare ribs, the shirtless frame painted on bruises, the razors near the bottle of vodka. I see the knife, silver and wood.
My feet roll the world beneath me, making craters in the ground at each step until I'm by his side. His eyes are open, dried tears and red cheeks.
The smell of alcohol breaks into my nose.
"Hiccup!" I scream, and his eyes fight to focus on mine. I put my hands over his open skin, and he yelps in pain.
He can still feel pain. The bottle of vodka is still nearly full near him. What's missing isn't enough to get someone drunk, not even someone as small as Hiccup.
I hold his face with both my hands.
"What did you do?" My voice cracks, my eyes burn with upcoming tears. When he doesn't answer, I run to grab a warm washcloth, and clean the blood of his ribs. He cries silently as I do it.
"I couldn't do it." He does not stutter. His voice is heavy and filled with sadness, but strong as a hammer. "I'm sorry; I couldn't do it, Jack."
I rub his blushed cheeks with my thumbs. I can't remember ever seeing him like this, so… defeated.
"They locked me up at the locker rooms. They saw us kissing in the corridors. They beat me up and told me to kill myself, just like they used to before the crash." A long pause. "I couldn't finish it. I couldn't press it down." He raises his wrists. Small scratches mark the skin, where the knife certainly brushed its metal coldness, aiming for his pulse. "It would be better if I could have done it."
I gasp in despair, not being able to hold my tears anymore. I pull him against my chest, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"Please, Hiccup, stop!" I can barely understand what I'm saying, the words are lost in sobs. "What… what would I do if I lose you?" I hold his face so he is looking straight to me. "I can't lose you Hiccup, please!"
His eyebrows furrow, but in anger.
"Why can't you just let me go?!" He shouts. "Why can't you just accept the fact that it will NEVER end? Why can't you just let me finish it and just go?!"
"Because I love you!" My scream shatters the windows. "Because you are the only person I care about in the world, and because I can't go on without you! You're all I have left!"
His eyes snap wide open in surprise. Defeated.
Rain pour down his eyes, silently, and everything we do for a moment is stare, cracks forming through our faces and tearing our minds apart. Until I finally sob the words:
"I love you, Hic." His features grow in rage and death, but he pulls himself against me, slamming our lips together.
"I love you, Jack." He whispers, and I hold him like if he could tear apart in my arms.
The kiss is anger, sad and needy, flood by all the tears that pour in our face, but it doesn't end. Not even when he laces his arms around my neck, and his legs wrap themselves around my hipbones.
I hold him by his back before pulling myself to my feet, and carry him in my lap in the way to his room.
Somehow, I find myself in his bed, and we gasp and kiss even more eagerly than before. His lips feel like fire against mine, and the feeling spread to the rest of my body, like waves, it wraps itself around my bones and makes me even needier.
His hands find their way to my cheeks, neck, and removing my shirt. I kiss all the injured skin on his torso; the cuts for long have stopped bleeding. He strips me off my clothes, pulling me closer in this passionate dance before pulling down his own pants. He never stops kissing me, and I hold on to him, less willing to let him go at each kiss.
It is still raining outside. There is a faint blue light breaking in through his window. Hiccup is curled up against me, his fingers brushing my bare chest. I hold his naked body against mine, the afterglow sets on the room as I breathe in his scent. I am growing addicted to it.
"I missed this." He says after a long time.
"What?" I ask.
"This. Cuddling with you… especially naked." He raises his head so he can kiss the skin in my neck, sending butterflies curl around my shivers.
"I missed that too." I bend my head to look at him. His eyes are closed, peaceful, but smiling. Beautiful.
"When do we leave tomorrow?" He asks, his eyes are still closed.
"By morning. My dad will pick us up."
"You had to bribery him to let me come, hadn't you?" He opens his eyes; a mischievous smile spreads through his features.
"Almost, it would be my next shot." I say. "I guess he wanted to stay alone with me."
"Maybe I should stay…" I can feel he is slipping.
"No, please!" I will feel the whiplash later for turning my neck to him so fast. "I can't stand to be alone with him. Please, Hiccup, I need you."
He blushes, but lets out an unhappy sigh. "Fine. But you owe me one."
I chuckle. "I owe you everything."
I turn him on his back, supporting my head in one elbow so I can look at him. I peck his lips once. Then again, more slowly.
"Hic." I gasp between a kiss. "Promise me you'll never try to do it again."
The kisses stop. He is not looking at me, instead he keeps his eyes closed, tensed.
"I couldn't live without you." When did I became so full of feelings? "I would lose my mind if you weren't here. I love you." I peck his lips. They kiss me back. "And I need you."
His eyes slowly open. They are not sad, exactly. However, hopeful. "Okay."
A smile flashes through me. Before I can go all cheesy again, he places his hand on my face, pulling me closer to him.
"But you'll have to say that you love me more often." He whispers in my ear, leaving my lips empty. "I may end up forgetting it."
"You'll make me regret that, right?" I say.
"Yeah." He chuckles before kissing me.