Hey! Again, sorry for the short chapter I recently put up. I had some spring semester college things to make sure were in place, but now I'm all good! Thank you, winterschild11 for reviewing last chapter! I really hope you like this chapter, because to those who like Kames...it sure gives that couple advantage over Jagan. Let's just say, Logan admits a secret to Katie, and indirectly lets James know about it too. That's why the title of this chapter is what it is; James gets his heart broken by Logan, again. He gets his heart broken again, while Logan admits a 'dirty little secret' he's kept all these years. A secret, that may push Kendall and James together in a more...non-platonic way for the rest of this story. Again thank you for your review, I wonder if others will like this chapter too...I'm rambling again, sorry! Onward to this new chapter, which is longer than the last recent chapter by the way! Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I wish I did, then I'd die happily! :) I decided not to be mean and leave this chapter at a cliff-hanger, so I had to listen to two songs, one sad and one happy, to get the feeling of this chapter! Which is why this chapter has two titles, because two songs helped inspire this chapter!
Logan was surprised when a knock came to his door and he saw Katie there, on the front door step with her hands on her hips.
The brilliant raven eyed her confusedly, expression just bursting with silent questions.
"Hey genius, mind if we talk for a bit? I need to ask you something." Katie said, long brown hair up in a high ponytail.
Her tone was normal, friendly if a bit snarky. Still, the slightly tense look in her big brown eyes left him a bit edgy.
"Uh sure, come in Kat." He said, stepping aside to let her cross.
She smiled her thanks and walked in, Logan leading her to the living room and offering her a glass of water. She kindly rejected the offer, Logan sitting across from her on the love-seat while she took the couch. "So what's up, Kat? Is something wrong with James, is he alright?" He asked, biting his lower lip in anticipation. Katie smiled again and waved off his worries, yet her smile vanished in only seconds.
"I did come over to talk about James, but not about his health. He's doing alright, Big Brother is keeping him company while he gets into the groove about counseling." She said. She did not miss the flash of jealously that lit up Logan's eyes at the mention of her bushy-browed, dirty blonde older brother. She felt a tug inside; so her mom's suspicions weren't totally far-fetched.
'I better play my cards right if I'm going to find out what I want to know, without getting him all ruffled up.' She thought with a mental sigh, keeping her facial expression normal though.
"Oh, so what do you want to talk about?"
"Simple: what do you want with James?" Logan's eyes went wide at the bluntness of Katie's question, cheeks flushing a pale strawberry pink.
"Um, come again?" Katie rolled her eyes.
"Loges, I know you're super smart and all but I am too. Don't treat me as if I'm stupid and don't act like you are either, you know what I'm talking about. You and James use to date, I know that, but I don't know why you two broke up and if you're trying to win him over again. Are you, are you trying to get him back?" Katie asked, crossing her arms. Logan gave her a slightly annoyed look.
"Since when are you interested in my love life, Kat?"
"Since Big Brother got involved, Logie-Bear. I don't know why you and James broke up, but I do know this: Kendall is falling for him, just you are still in love right? You're still in love with James, and you probably see my brother as competition because both of you are in love with the same guy. I'm not as oblivious as tweens my age are, I can tell you two are becoming rivals." Logan looked shocked, face pale again but paler, almost as white as a sheet.
"K-Kendall is in love with James?" He asked, Katie giving off a sharp nod.
"Everyone besides James and Big Brother himself can tell he's in love, but that's not my point here. My point here is, why are you trying to get James back? It's obvious he's not interested." The clever brunette pointed out, the raven looking away to avoid her piercing gaze.
"You don't know that." He retorted a bit hotly, it obvious that her comment stung a little.
"I don't have to know, Logan. I can read body language; James makes it obvious that he's falling for Kendall, even if he hasn't realized it yet. But again, you're avoiding my question: why are you trying to get him back?"
Logan rose from the love-seat and began pacing the living room floor, sighing heavily to himself. "I'm trying to get him back because I'm still in love with him, okay Katie? I-I've never stopped loving him, even with the four years of no contact between us, I still love him and I'm sure deep down he still loves me too. He was my first love, I can never forget that."
"I can respect that, Logan. I don't know a thing about relationships, and I'm so not looking forward to the crazy dating rolls I'll have to face any day now, but I get that he meant a lot to you. I'm not saying to stop caring about him...but he moved on."
"N-no, he didn't! We still care about each other, I know he...I know he still loves me!" Logan snapped back, but not in anger. He seemed put out, desperate; it was like he was trying to convince himself of what he said, like he didn't believe it so much himself. Katie sighed, expression hard now.
"Logan, what makes you think that? Sure he can still care about you, but maybe only as a close friend or brother now! What makes you think he still has feelings for you?"
"B-because he didn't tell me he loved Kendall, Katie! He never said that when we had that talk on Christmas! He didn't say a thing, he doesn't love him more than me!"
"Um, probably because James doesn't REALIZE he's in love with my brother! He's pretty and smart, but not pretty smart." Katie began pointing out, but Logan shook his head as if to beat away her words.
"No, I know James better than Kendall! If they're in love, why does James look at me the way he does? Like he's torn, like he wants to say something but can't find the right words? Why does he tremble when I touch him, hug him?" Logan asked, Katie about to respond when he cut her off.
"No, James shouldn't believe him! There's more to me and Kendall than he realizes, if he just opened his eyes he'd see that! I l-loved him first, I was there for him! Kendall and him have been going the same schools since the three of us were five, why are they just noticing each other now? My history with James ended badly, I know that better than anyone, but it's just not right! I was here first, Kendall can never have what me and James had, he can never love James like I did and still do!" At this Katie snapped, stomping off the couch and into Logan's face. She had one mighty glare on.
"Stop right there, Mitchell! Are you calling my Big Brother a liar?! Newsflash, who was there for James when you weren't? Who was the one who convinced your chicken butt to come see him in the hospital, who was the one who CALLED you because he KNEW how much you meant to James?! That's right, my Big Brother Kendall! He called you, not because James asked him to but because he felt you had a right to know how James was doing! But the first person James saw apart from Kelly when he woke up from surgery was KENDALL, not you! They sleep together every night, because KENDALL is the one who keeps his nightmares about Shane away; KENDALL was the one who calmed him down after counseling, because you got so edgy and jealous of Kendall that you left without a word! KENDALL was the one James shared his first abuse-free Christmas and New Year's Eve with, not you! You know what I think, buddy? I think you're just guilt-ridden! You may still love James but you're just focusing on your own pain, not his!"
"It's my damn fault I cheated on him and didn't have the guts to let him in!" Logan shouted back, though both he and Katie paled when his words finally registered clearly to them.
"Y-you what?" She finally choked out, feeling dizzy. The smart raven had tears in his deep mocha brown eyes now, which were turning black with guilt and sadness. He sat back down, not realizing he had butt-dialed someone and that said someone answered on the second ring; that someone began speaking, but Logan's phone volume was on low so the raven and Katie couldn't catch the sound.
"I-I...Dak Zevon, a transfer student the came around our freshmen year...he, he kissed me at a Choir party. He kissed me, didn't know I was with James; I pushed him away of course, told him I had a boyfriend, he apologized and we moved on from that. James wasn't in Choir that day, he was sick with the flu but...but I..."
"You never told him. That makes it worse." Katie spat, Logan looking at her deeply offended.
"I-I didn't kiss him back, Katie! I pushed Dak away and he understood and left me alone!"
"But you didn't tell James, you didn't trust your boyfriend enough to tell him what happened! In a way you still cheated; you should have told him the second after it happened, Logan! I don't care if you pushed him away, imagine if James had been there and he saw it? If he asked for an explanation, and you just brushed it off?! Wait, that's it! You're guilt-ridden because you weren't a real man back then! You let James down, broke his heart and kept a 'dirty little secret' from him! You did all that, screwed up big time and now you want to take him away from Kendall!"
"They are not together, Katie!"
Katie puffed out her right cheek, hands on her hips again. "So what, Loges? They are falling for each other, and you have no right to butt in between them! You had your chance and you lost it, I'm sorry! I'm sorry you had to go through that, I'm sure some people thought you were cheating when technically you weren't since you pushed Dak away, but you kept it a secret from James! You said you hated secrets and lies, right? But you kept a secret, a big dirty secret, from James and now you expect him to take you back? I'm sorry but you're really off there, buddy!"
"If I didn't mean anything to James, he wouldn't have welcomed me back into his life!" Logan protested.
'Really, for someone who's smart he's really dumb!' Katie thought, highly annoyed.
"I'm not saying he doesn't care about you, Logan, but he doesn't LOVE you the same way he did before! He moved on, he's falling for Kendall and you have to let him be!"
"Why? All's fair in love and war!"
"Because the only person who will suffer from this stupid rivalry is James!" Katie exclaimed, waving her hands around in frustration.
Logan's anger lost some steam at this, he looking a little more relaxed. Seriously, Katie was afraid he was going to hulk out on her; he looked like Bruce Banner under some serious pressure! "What do you m-mean, Katie?" Thankfully his tone was calm. Well, calm now.
"James, he's still recovering from Shane. Think about it: even if he and my Big Brother got together right now, he'd still be iffy about being in a relationship. What he knows about a relationship isn't healthy: he thinks being beaten, raped, and belittled is normal, it's what's been pounded into his skull for four years now. He needs stability, someone to show him real love; I'm not saying you can't do that, but James...James sees something in Kendall that he didn't in you: control. You're smart but you crack easily under pressure. I'm pretty sure if you had found James in the alley that night...you wouldn't had an idea on how to deal with the mess, you're smart but like I said you crack under pressure. James needs some control and balance in his life right now, something my brother has given him. Kendall controls the situation: he doesn't let Shane haunt him, he keeps James going when the guy's just ready to crumble and fall dead. He's always there for him, unlike you, and he's loved James through it all. If you want to keep this up...fine go ahead, I can't do much to stop you but just think about James. Think about what's best for him, not for you..." Katie said this all in one breath, reaching out to touch Logan's right shoulder.
The raven wiped at his tears, biting his lower lip. "But I love him..."
"If you really love him, you'll let him choose who he wants. You'll let him choose, not choose for him."
'B-but I already know he'll choose Kendall...' Logan thought, running a hand through his spiky raven hair.
-Page Break-
'H-he cheated on me...' James thought, dropping his cell-phone to the carpet floor.
He had been woken up by his cell-phone vibrating away in his pants, he slowly and carefully detangling himself from Kendall's embrace to avoid waking him. He had seen the caller ID and saw it was Logan, answering on the second ring.
A conversation leaked in from the other end. James couldn't tell who Logan was talking to and he didn't catch a majority of the conversation due to something muffling the sound, but there was one thing that rang loud and clear to the now tearing up brunette.
Logan admitting to someone he had a kiss with Dak Zevon, an old friend of James'. Logan admitting he had a kiss with Dak but that he didn't tell James, who had been his steady, long-term boyfriend at the time. He kept that secret from him, he lied to him.
He had lied to him, about nothing interesting happening at the Choir party.
'H-he had lied to me. He cheated, oh God n-no! He lied, he lied, HE LIED!'
"HE LIED!" James' scream woke up Kendall in a heartbeat, eyes half dazed and hair messed up. His expression went from dazed to fully alert though when he saw the big, fat tears rolling down James' thin cheeks; his soft hazel-green eyes were puffy and red-rimmed.
"James, James what's wrong?!" The dirty blonde exclaimed, pulling the other into his arms. He flinched however when James harshly pushed him away, cupping his ears and shaking his head frantically as if suffering a splitting headache.
"J-James?!"
"Another fucking disappointment in my life! H-he just used me, he never loved me! H-he cheated, he cheated and kept it...a fucking secret! H-he promised he'd be faithful, not hurt m-me! But n-n-no, he's just another heartbreaker! Just like my dad, Logan breaks my heart again too! He l-lied, he lied!" Kendall's interested perked up even more at the mention of the raven, chest tightening.
"W-what did Logan do, James?" He was afraid to ask, but he needed to find out a way to calm the distraught brunette down. James seemed to not have heard him, though.
"W-why does every damn person USE me?! I-I trusted him, I loved him even! I loved him, a-and he pulls the rug! He lied, why do people do this to me?!" James soon scrambled to his feet. He grabbed his shoes and pulled his hood over his head, heading for the front door.
"JAMES!" Kendall screamed, the brunette disappearing into the pouring rain outside.
-Page Break-
James ran.
He ran like his life depended on it. He ran like that night he escaped from Shane, he ran like crazy. Tears blurred his vision; his heart was aching; his whole body was soaked to the bone from the rain, still he ran. He ran until he reached the town park, only to collapse under a bare tree and break down completely. Thankfully there was no streaks of lightning in the sky or loud thunder booming, just heavy pouring rain.
But that didn't soothe the poor boy; in fact, it just made him want to cry more.
"W-why do I care about people when all they do is fucking toy with me?! I love, I care, I do everything Mom said a good man does but all I get is a broken heart! First Dad, then Shane and now L-Logan...oh God, Logan why?! I-I loved you...!" James threw a punch to the tree trunk, ignoring the splinters now digging into his skin, before he curled up into a ball on the wet grass and melting snow and continued sobbing.
His chest hurt, really badly. It felt like someone had taken a hammer to his ribs and banged at them until they broken into tiny, sharp pieces, stabbing his heart over and over as they showered down to his stomach. He was broken, really broken. But now, he just felt numb...empty.
'Oh God, why can't someone love me without breaking my stupid, fucked up heart?!' He screamed in his head, face down in the dirt as he twisted his fingers together behind his neck.
He felt cold, from the rain and melting snow; he was shivering, tears freezing into fine shards of ice against his cheeks, but he didn't bother to run away and get warm. His heart was cold, he was heartless.
He had nothing inside him, his heart was truly cut up.
"James..." Said brunette gasped as he shifted on the ground and looked up, squinting due to the rain falling on his face.
A thin, dirty blonde with large eyebrows and worried sick deep green eyes, chest heaving while he was in nothing but sweats and boots, no jacket. He didn't look cold, though, just fucking worried out of his mind.
"K-Kendall..."
'Even when I run away, h-he doesn't leave me...'
Kendall sighed in relief as he got on his knees and slowly pulled James into his arms, body shaking. He was crying; had James worried him that much?
"Oh God, you're okay! J-just a little soaked, James what were you thinking?! Running out like that in this rain, you could get sick! Oh God, don't ever do that to me again!" The blonde choked out, wiping his face and pulling away to take in James' pale, shaking expression.
"Y-you came after me..."
"Why the fuck wouldn't I, James?!" Kendall demanded, struggling to keep his cool. James looked down, ashamed now though his tears.
"L-Logan broke my heart again, Kendy. He c-cheated on me, back when we were dating..." At this Kendall's face softened, a sigh leaving him.
"Oh Jamie, I'm s-so sorry..."
"I always get my heart broken, I don't think it can take much more of that. I just wish someone wouldn't break it, I-I'm sick of the people who pretend to care about me but just leave me with a broken heart and tears! I'm sick of a b-broken heart! I just want to be loved, loved the right way! Why isn't there someone out there who won't break my heart?!" James snapped, pressing a hand to his face in a terrible attempt to conceal his tears.
Kendall reached out and cupped James' face, faces inches apart. "J-James, I...I haven't broken your heart."
At this James' eyes flew open in shock, hurt shining in said eyes.
'Oh my God, he's been hurt so much. And he's scared, so scared but...I haven't broken his heart."
"Y-you haven't." James acknowledged, breathing evening out a little. He copied Kendall's movements, though his hands went around his neck instead of cupping his face.
"H-how is that you...you are the only one who hasn't?" James asked. Kendall smiled sadly, brushing a wet lock of chocolate brown hair from James' slick forehead.
"Because I've had my heart broken before; I know how it feels." He whispered.
"Y-you know how it feels?"
"Yeah, I do. It hurts like hell; no one wants or likes a broken heart, I didn't like it when it was done to me so why would I do that to someone else? James, I'd never break your heart, if I did that...I'd break my own heart at the same time." Kendall elaborated more, eyes wet still but expression calmer, softer.
James was left with his jaw slack, eyes wide in both surprise and extreme relief.
Kendall knew what it was like to live with a broken heart. He wasn't new to it.
'H-he's not like everyone else...' His thoughts were reeling, but his body moved on its own accord.
He moved his hands from Kendall's neck to his face now, cupping it gently and taking a deep breath before...he leaned upwards and pressed his lips to Kendall's softly, gently, lightly in a kiss.
Kendall's body froze at the contact; he was stiff for a few minutes before he lightly pressed back, his hands cupping James' face as he closed his eyes and kissed back, James' eyes closed too as he just let himself be taken away.
There was no groping at each other's bodies, nor a lustful tongue between their mouths. It wasn't chaste kiss, but it was sweet and gentle. A kiss that said a lot: admiration, comfort, friendship and...something more that Kendall couldn't say yet in fear of James pushing him away, and something more James wasn't use to it.
But it still was a kiss.
The two slowly broke apart, faces red and a shared fuzzy feeling in their stomachs. James kept his eyes locked with Kendall's for who knows how long, but it wasn't long before their lips met again.
And just like that, one small piece of James' heart didn't disappear into dust in his chest.