Forever and Always

Orlovsky

Life went on but it felt lifeless without Severide in it, but Casey'd had no choice, he couldn't hurt the man any more than he already had. Casey was spending his time away from work and the hospital entirely alone, he'd had several messages from Evan wondering if he and Severide wanted to meet up, he'd also had some messages and missed phone calls from Shay, it was clear that Severide had told her what had happened. He didn't reply to any of them. On the days he didn't have to leave the house he'd only drag himself out of bed to feed Pumpkin. He soon began to dread having to go out at all because of the huge effort it took him and before long he struggled to even get up to feed Pumpkin. She pawed at him as he lay in bed, eyes glazed over to the world, lost in deep thoughts or nothing at all. She'd continue to paw at him until he eventually realised she was hungry. He'd slowly push the bed covers away, they felt like a heavy weight holding him down and the air outside of them was cold and harsh even with the heating on. His bedroom light was permanently on and his curtains were permanently shut, and his kitchen was hardly stocked except for a supply of cat food and litter he'd ordered online in bulk.

Severide had tried desperately hard to move on, to forget about Casey and move on with his life, but Casey was unforgettable and he'd never be able to forgive himself if something happened to him. Every few days he'd drive by Casey's house, even though it was out of his way and he'd check that Casey was getting his mail, that he was leaving the house, that nothing terrible had happened to him. He spent most of his downtime either out drinking or sitting alone in the apartment with Midnight. There were still so many reminders of Casey in the apartment. He hadn't taken down any of the grab rails, removed the shower seat or any of the adjustments he'd made. Part of him wanted to get rid of it all, part of him wanted to stop checking on Casey's house, but every time he checked he longed to walk up to the front door and demand entrance, he wanted to demand an explanation, but he couldn't. He couldn't forget about Casey yet he couldn't bring himself to slam down his front door. He only hoped Casey's emotions weren't in the same mess that his were. At least he had Shay, his career, at least he could go out and have fun drinking away his sorrows.

Shelley, the dialysis nurse, walked up to Casey's side with a smile on her face. His low mood in the last couple of months had not gone unnoticed by her and the other staff in the nephrology unit, but despite her efforts he'd not let her know what was on his mind, this depression wasn't unexpected after the news he'd been given two months ago. "How are you doing Matt?" she questioned, the cheery smile still on her face. "Few more minutes and you'll be done. Got the feeling back in your hand yet?"

Casey just shook his head.

"Driving back today?" she asked.

He nodded.

"You'll probably need to wait a little after the session's over then, got anywhere to be?"

"Do I ever?" He cracked a small smile. Today had been a good day so far. He'd got up, put on his prosthetic, fed Pumpkin, he'd spilt some milk in the process but didn't clean it up since he knew that she'd happily lap it up off the kitchen floor. He had eaten some breakfast and had shaved for the first time in days. He hadn't even been overly worried by the loss of sensation in his hand during dialysis. It happened every so often, although more regularly these days, but today he could deal with it. Some days he could deal with anything the world threw at him even if Severide wasn't by his side.

The dialysis machine emitted a short beep indicating that the session was complete, the nurse smiled. "There we go. Let's get these needles out."

Casey smiled wearily back at her. "They should make them smaller, never really minded needles before all this but they're just massive..." He made a face, weary and unimpressed.

"Believe it or not there are much bigger needles out there," she spoke as she got to work on removing the tubing.

"Well, as long as I never have to see one of them then I'm happy." He watched as she removed the second needle from his arm and a thick trail of bright red blood followed. Shelley placed a white gauze pad over the hole but it quickly became saturated. He sighed audibly. "Not this again."

"We'll get it stopped just like before," the nurse spoke calmly.

Casey sat watching as a trail of blood escaped despite the pressure she was applying either side of the needle site. He wondered idly how much blood he would need to lose before it would all be over, how long it would take if she just removed her hand. Probably not long, he surmised, because it would just pump vigorously out of his artery in time with his heartbeat.

She was holding Casey's arm up now and the heart monitor was blaring angrily as his blood pressure dropped. Another staff member was now at Casey's bedside. Blood was still pumping out from the needle site, running down his arm and pooling on the white absorbent pad below his elbow. He was beginning to feel lightheaded now.

"Matt, we're going to take you down to the ER, ok? There's a team waiting for you," Shelley explained, her voice sounded as though it was far off in the distance.

"No…" he muttered. "Just wait, it'll stop…"

"It will stop, but you need some extra help," she said with a nod. They wheeled him along into the elevator, all the while she kept direct pressure on the needle site, trying to alleviate the flow of bright red blood. Casey's eyes began to roll as more blood flowed from his arm, saturating everything in the fluid. "Matt, need you to stay with me… Matt…" They raced him out of the elevator on the ER floor as he fell unconscious.

Casey was bleeding arterially. The blood was pumping out of his fistula site and direct pressure wasn't slowing down the bleed. His blood wasn't clotting because of the medications he took. The ER doctor didn't want to damage or destroy the graft so he opted for doing to two figure of eight stitches around the bleeding site. Shelley stayed with him the entire time, long after she was no longer needed.

"Hey, honey," Shelley spoke softly. Casey's eyes had began to flicker open as the ER staff were clearing up around him, one of the nurses was wrapping up his arm in bandages. "You're in the ER, we had trouble stopping your fistula site from bleeding. It's stopped now."

"Remember…" he muttered up at her, eyes half lidded because of the bright light in the procedure room.

"Good." She smiled. "How are you feeling?"

"Erm… don't know..." he muttered again.

"Ok, well, I wouldn't make sudden movements, all right? You're gonna be dizzy, you're going to get some fluids though, you need them. Don't worry, they won't overload you," she explained.

"Why?" His voice was little more than a whisper now.

She frowned, not quite sure what he was asking. "Why it started bleeding? It just happens, it's a complication of having…"

"No…"

"Why it didn't stop? Some of the medication you're on stops your blood from clotting, it was an arterial bleed so it's much more difficult to get it under control," she told him. "Are you comfortable, do you need anything?"

"My leg..." he mumbled. "Can you take my leg off? Please…"

"Course Matt," she smiled.

"You just need to…"

"I got it, don't worry," she reassured him as she slipped his loose grey joggers down and removed his prosthetic and the liner. "Better?" she asked, watching him weakly massage the residual limb.

"Mmm…" he muttered tiredly.

"Now, do want me to call Kelly? You shouldn't drive home and you need him to keep an eye on you…"

"No." He shook his head a little.

"Is he at work?"

"I don't know… I mean, yes…"

"Matt, what's happened? Why don't you want me to call Kelly?" she asked him with sincerity in her voice.

He couldn't be bothered with his pretence any longer. The blood loss, the constant exhaustion, the loneliness, the pain, it was all too much. His voice cracked as he spoke. "Why do you care?"

"Part of the job description." She smiled softly.

Casey just looked at her for a few moments, he wasn't really thinking or considering anything, there wasn't much going through his mind, in fact his mind felt oddly blank. "You want to know?" he asked, as if it was so rare for anyone to take an interest in him, it had been rare before Severide.

"I won't judge," she told him.

"I left Kelly. I left him."

"You left him?" she couldn't help but repeat, she'd not been expecting him to say that.

"Well he couldn't exactly leave me, so I had to do something… had to release him from his obligation," Casey spoke almost monotonously.

She shook her head slowly. "I don't think he felt obligated to stay with you."

"Of course he did."

"Is there anyone else I can call for you?" she asked. "You'll need to be observed here otherwise."

"There's no one."

"Matt, let me call Kelly, I'm sure he'd help out, I know you don't want to be stuck here for twenty-four hours."

"No," he said firmly.

"All right, I won't." She knew there was no point in trying anymore, she'd known Casey long enough now. "Is there really no one else I can call?" she questioned.

"I don't know..." he replied quietly. "Don't want to bother anyone."

"I think you've done enough to deserve interrupting someone's day and asking for a little time."

"I don't deserve anything."

"You're a good person, Matt," she told him.

"You don't know me," he murmured.

"I know you're lost right now," she spoke. "And I know you won't let anyone in. You got some terrible news a couple of months ago, how you're feeling about it all is understandable."

Casey remained silent.

"You're not alone, Matt, and if you really don't want me to call anyone then I'll stay down here with you…"

"What? Why?" He frowned.

"Because you're not alone," she insisted.

Still frowning Casey continued. "But you have things to do, everyone has stuff to do."

"You don't know that until we make some phone calls," she replied.

He shook his head again. "I don't want to call anyone, don't know anyone other than people I worked with well enough to just call them like this and I… and I can't call them…" he said, distress in his tone.

In the end Shelley had contacted Chaplain Orlovsky, having finally persuaded Casey to let her call him. She had gone to the ER entrance to meet him. "Thank you for coming," she spoke.

"No problem," the silver haired man responded kindly. "What happened?" he asked. She explained as they began to walk along to the bay where Casey was, leading Orlovsky to ask another question. "How is he handling everything? I've not spoken to him since he was injured, he didn't return any of my calls."

"He's been doing well until recently. I tried not to get involved but he's a good person and he's been through so much, I just didn't want him to be alone here."

"You're right, he didn't deserve any of what's happened to him, one of the best lieutenants I ever met," Orlovsky commented. They passed several bays until Shelley showed the Chaplain into the one at the far end where Casey was being kept for observation.

They stood by Casey's bedside. "He's asleep right now but they've removed the IV so he can go home if he feels up to it once he's awake. You would just need to stay with him for twenty-four hours to ensure he recovers without any more complications."

Orlovsky waited patiently by Casey's side once Shelley had left, it wasn't too long before he began to stir a little. After a momentary soundless movement of his lips, he managed to speak. "Chaplain..." he murmured.

"Hi there, Matt," Orlovsky smiled down at him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't…"

"I don't need or want any apologies," Orlovsky cut him off. "How are you feeling? The nurse said you're going to be pretty tired, probably a little lightheaded still."

"M'ok..." Casey replied, hardly hearing what Orlovsky was saying. He still felt dizzy and sick from the blood loss.

"There's a fresh top for you to change into here." He held up the scrub top that Shelley had found to replace the blood-soaked shirt that they'd had to cut away.

Once Casey had changed they were soon on their way to his house, most of the journey was spent in a blur until suddenly the Chaplain was helping him out of his car and into the wheelchair the hospital had provided. Orlovsky wheeled him up the ramp to his front door. Casey shakily pulled out his house keys, he was thankful when the Chaplain took them from him and unlocked the front door. As he got inside Casey realised he would have to go and lie down before he passed out in the chair. Pumpkin had come straight to him the moment he appeared through the door, mewing furiously and pawing at the base of the wheelchair, but he just moved away gently, unable to deal with her. He excused himself, he didn't even try to make Orlovsky leave, he knew it would be impossible, instead he just took himself straight to bed with little care in the world.

When Casey woke up, it took him some time to figure out quite why Chaplain Orlovsky was sitting in the chair in his bedroom, and he briefly thought he might be hallucinating before he remember the events that had unfolded. Orlovsky must have seen the realisation in his face because he spoke up. "You're already looking a bit better, Matt."

"Has it..." Casey began but the words caught in his throat and he could barely speak. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Has it been twenty-four hours yet?"

"You want to get rid of me already?" Orlovsky smiled kindly at him.

"No." Casey shook his head, wiping his tired eyes. "It's just… I don't know what day it is..."

That tore at Orlovsky's heartstrings. "It's Wednesday, the 24th. It's almost 8am, you've slept for about fourteen hours."

The alarm on Casey's wrist watch started to chime. "Need my meds," he muttered as he pushed himself up onto his elbows. He started to reach over to the nightstand where he kept his pill organisers.

Orlovsky got there before him, he pulled out the organiser and picked up the empty glass. "I'll get you some fresh water, do you need something to eat with them?"

"Be ok on an empty stomach," Casey replied as he watched Orlovsky leave the room. The sudden realisation hit him that his house was a terrible mess, but he didn't care as much as he felt he ought to.

"I fed your cat last night," Orlovsky smiled as he sat down. "She's a beauty. Pumpkin?" He passed Casey the glass of water and the pills marked for Wednesday AM. There were a lot of them.

Casey nodded as he swallowed down the pills, he shrugged a little. "It was Halloween," he said in explanation of her name. "You've been here all night?" he queried as Orlovsky took the glass away from him.

The Chaplain gave a nod. "And I'll be here all day too."

"I need to get my truck and…" Casey began to protest.

"You don't need to worry about that," he replied.

"You don't need to do stuff for me, I'm perfectly capable of…" Casey's voice trailed off and his brows knitted into a small frown. "You had to feed my cat? And my house is mess, isn't it?" He looked down sadly. "I'm sorry."

"I'll be honest, Matt, I would have been surprised if it wasn't a mess, and you were really out of it yesterday, there was a reason you needed someone to take you home and to stay with you, because you wouldn't have been able to feed your cat," Orlovsky told him.

Casey could see by the expression on Orlovsky's face that he was completely sincere with what he was saying, but he remained silent. He wasn't sure quite what to say to the Chaplain because part of him knew that the man was right, but part of him refused to believe it.

"You still look tired, are you supposed to be at work today?"

Casey nodded. "Damnit…" he muttered. The last thing he was capable of just now was getting himself over to the Fire Academy and teaching a couple of classes.

"Ok, well you just stay here, I'll call in for you, do you want any breakfast?"

Casey shook his head.

"Ok, get some more rest then."

As Orlovsky left the room Casey spoke up. "There's not much, but do help yourself to food. And thank you."

Later in the afternoon Casey managed to get up and onto his crutches, despite his bandaged arm still being somewhat painful. He went through into the lounge to find the Chaplain sitting on the couch with Pumpkin curled up contentedly by his side. The TV was on and playing quietly as Casey made his way over. He could see that the entire house seemed to have been cleaned and tidied up.

"How are you feeling now?" Orlovsky greeted him.

"Much better," Casey replied honestly.

"Your truck is out front," Orlovsky told him, and seeing Casey's questioning look he explained in one word. "Boden."

"You tidied," Casey said as he glanced around.

"I hope you don't mind," he said. "Daytime TV isn't great."

"So you decided cleaning was more entertaining?" Casey was more than a little amused at that thought and a genuine smile came to his face.

"Sit down," Orlovsky said, getting to his feet. "I'll make you something to eat." The chaplain headed for the kitchen, speaking as he went. "Do you get groceries delivered here or should I go to the store for you?"

"No need, I get them delivered."

"That's good. Now, what would you like? Cereal? Toast? Eggs?"

"Whatever you want to have," Casey retorted as he finally sat himself down on the couch, waking Pumpkin up. She stretched lazily and moved herself onto his lap. He peered down at her and realised he was still wearing the scrub top from the hospital.

After they had eaten some toast and eggs the Chaplain cheerfully cleared away the plates and sat back down. He had been wanting to broach a subject he'd wondered about since he'd got the call from the hospital. "So, Matt... you and Kelly?" he asked softly, not wanting to seem intrusive, but caring. The relationship between the two lieutenants had become well known after the explosion in which Casey had been so badly injured. They hadn't felt there was any point in keeping it a secret any more.

Casey just shook his head, eyes focused ahead on the TV screen.

"What happened?"

Casey took his time with his response, it was a few moments before he turned his head and look at the Chaplain. "I lost my leg, my kidneys, my career... so I pushed him away," he answered.

"You've been through a lot..." Orlovsky began.

"Don't give my actions any excuses." He turned away. "I don't deserve them."

"Matt, you are a good person…"

"Don't," Casey stopped him. "I've messed up... but in the end he'll be better off, even though the one thing I never wanted was to be alone. All I've done is push everyone away including the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with..."

"Do you think you can fix it?"

"It's too late, way too late." He shook his head, looked at the time then suddenly spoke. "It's been twenty-four hours. Thank you for your help. You should go."

Orlovsky opened his mouth to protest but said nothing. He stood up, sighed softly, and turned back to Casey. "If you need anything just call me, anything at all, even if it's just giving you a hand with…"

"I won't need anything," Casey said abruptly, his face was a mask. "Thank you for coming."

TBC