Chapter 25

Legit AN: I think by this point you're supposed to be sympathizing with the preps. The goffs and the Sues are funnier though.

Also, I'm sorry I haven't been able to put up that many chapters lately. I meant to put one up on Sunset's birthday (Sept. 29th.) I've been a little under the weather lately, but I'm going to try to get a little more done. This one's a long one, just for you.

ANGELICA'S POV LOL!

We were so happy being in charge of the school. We threw another talent contest! No preps were allowed!

Dumblydork ran up on the stage. "Ladies, gentlemen, motherfukers, it is time for the fuking talent contest!" I guess he had a headache. I shot a spell and ibuprofen came out and Dumblydore took some. He stopped swearing. "Our first act will be Seleno Weasley!"

Seleno ran onto the stage suicidally. He read a poem he wrote about silting ones wrists and crying tears of blood. He explained how it happened in "vrampir croniclez" and that Raven said so. Everyone cheesed for him.

His sister Penty Slipknot was next. She was wearing a black leather mini with a picture of Gerard Way and beneath it there were red goffic letters that said "Major Fucking Hottie". She named every article of clothing Enoby Way ever wore and everyone cheered for her great memory. Shelly Lovegood read from My Immortal. Vespa Painflower displayed how you could use a Pensive to go back in time as opposed to revisiting a memory. Daisy taught everyone some basic Japanese like hajimemachite.

Suddenly Pluto Potter ran up on the stage. Hot Topic ran up on stage and took off all her clothes; a pair of neon black fishnet tights with a red mini skirt and a black MCR t shirt with a picture of Gerard Way wearing guyliner. She even took off her bar. Pluto Potter took off his black ripped pants and his giant black GC long sleeved shirt. Hot Topic took off his boxers and Pluto put his thingie into her you know what. They laid down on the floor of the stage and started doing it. Everyone cheered, except for one girl. She was a prep.

"I'm sorry sir and ma'am, you're going to have to leave." She was a prep.

"Fuck off you fucking bastard!" Cheyenne yelled and she started to suck the prep's blood. Suddenly we saw who the prep was. It was… Lavender! She started screaming. Then she ran away. I screamed perfectly.

Suddenly while Hot Topic was screwing Pluto Potter Hot Topic saw a tattoo she'd never seen before on his arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody goffic writing were the words "Pluto". She was so angry. "Bastard!" She yelled, but she didn't get up because she loved screwing Pluto Potter so much.

"Hot Topic you don't understand!" Pluto Potter said as he got an orgasm. "I'm Pluto Potter!"

"Yay!" Hot Topic yelled and she continued to screw him! Then they both fell asleep.

Then Draco jumped up on the stage! "You bustard!" Draco yelled at Pluto, comparing him to a wild, medium sized bird related to the cuckoo that lives in Eastern Europe. "I want to shit next to her!"

"No I do!11111" Yelled Harry waking up. They started shooting at each other with guns! Pluto was naked! He had a really huge you know what but I was too concerned with saving myself for marriage to care.

Suddenly Dumblydore ran in through the room and on to the stage! "Now for our next fucking performance, Isla Infinity!" He had a headache again.

Isla ran up on the stage while Draco and Pluto were still shooting at each other. She demonstrated how to use a Sue-Katana. Sasha gave a monologue about her traumatic life story. Eden Melody sang a song about how much she loves Draco. Rayne Stormcloud painted a picture of Voldemort on stage with water colors. He had red eyes and no nose basically like Voldemort in the movie. Delilah Firestarter sang a punk rock version of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" so it wasn't all sappy. Desdemona Craven spouted some intelligent facts smartly. Haley Comet fixed canon to her liking. Sterling Pecks lifted weights with Desdemona and Haley on top of them. He was so strong. Faith Hope Charity hypnotized Neville and made him cluck like a chicken. Cheyenne made everything catch fire because she was so mad. Electra Trinity floated around in her orange aura bubble. I sang an aria perfectly with my perfect soprano voice. I was perfect. Suddenly while I was singing Dumblydore ran back onto the stage.

"Our final contestant… Sunset Moonstone!" I gasped perfectly. Everyone else gasped less perfectly.

Sunset ran onto the stage and sang a version of "I Love Your Body, Baby" by Blue Attitude! Everyone cheered and her heart soared.

Dumbledore ran back up on the stage. And the winner is… A fourteen-way tie between Hot Topic, Sunset, Angelica, Isla, Sasha, Eden, Rayne, Delilah, Desdemona, Haley, Sterling, Faith Hope, Cheyenne, and Electra! We all ran down onto the stage and we each got one of fourteen trophies. All Sues win at everything, so we all had to win!

Suddenly a loud noise came into the room imperfectly. "THIS IS THE HOGWARTS MARY SUE ALERT SYSTEM, ALIVE AND WELL. THE MARY SUE CONTROL SYSTEMS ARE ALIVE AND WELL, RUN BY THE PREPPY RESISTANCE! WE WILL NEVER STOP WARNING PEOPLE ABOUT THE MARY SUES! IN FACT, WE FOUND OUT ALL THE PERSONAL DETAILS ABOUT AN EIGHTH CONFIRMED MARY SUE, ONE DELILAH FIRESTARTER. DO NOT LET THE FACT SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT DETER YOU FROM REALIZING THAT THIS WOMAN IS IN FACT A MARY SUE! FIGHT THE NEW MARY SUE REGIME! JOIN THE PREPPY RESISTENCE! THIS MESSAGE WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY CECILIA JOY PINK, HUNTER THE POSER, AND THE CHEERLEADERS!"

I started crying perfectly. But I was crying tears of water!

"OMFFG ANGLICA!1111111111" Hot Topic yelled. "Ur cring ters of water lik a prep! Ur a stupid preppy fucker!"

"I hate preps so much!" Cheyenne yelled loudly.

"U suk Angeline u flammr now I'm gunna slit ma wrists." She ran away suicidally. I was worried she was going to commit suicide. But I was so sad. Hot Topic had called me a prep! I ran back to my room crying.

I looked in the mirror. My hair was blonde, and I had blue eyes, but Resolution Blue, and not icy blue like limpid tears. I was wearing a white dress with no rips or corset stuff or pictures of Gerard Way. I was wearing pink lipstick, blue eyeshadow, and silver eyeliner. I was wearing foundation that was appropriate to my skin tone and not too pale. I was not a goff, but I was a prep!

I threw away all of my MCR CDs and ripped down the moving poster of Joel Madden perfectly. I threw out all of my black lipstick and red eyeshadow. I ran out of my room and into the Gryffindor common room. I yelled to Cecelia Joy Pink!

"Cecilia Joy Pink I want to become a prep!" I cried perfectly. "I do not want to slit my wrists and listen to Slipknot! I am happy all the time! I don't think bi guys are so hot and I think that giving the middle finger to people just for giving you a weird look is an over-reaction!"

"Excellent!" Cecilia screamed at the top of her lungs. She grabbed a microphone! She talked into it loudly.

"THIS IS THE PREP RESISTANCE HERE TO SAY THAT ANGELICA SNOWBIRD, FORMER GOFF, HAS JOINED THE PREP RESISTANCE! WE WILL RECLAIM HOGWARTS FROM OUR GOFFIC OPPRESSORS! THIS IS A WARNING TO ALL OF THE OTHER GOFFICS AND MARY SUES THAT RESISTANCE TO PREPPYNESS IS FUTILE! SOON EVERYONE WILL BE LISTENING TO THE BACK STREET BOYS AND NOT MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE! GET USED TO WEARING PINK EYESHADOW INSTEAD OF BLACK BECAUSE NOW WE HAVE THE POWER OF THE SUE!"

I could hear Hot Topic gasp.