14 March 1888
Dear Diary. I'm so sorry that I haven't written in such a long time. I've been busy you know. I have not even had the time to tell you that I proposed to Christine. You want to know what she said, Diary? She said yes!
We married two months after I proposed, the 29th of February. It was a nice day, Diary, a day I will never forget. She was so beautiful. You really should have seen her; you would be speechless when you saw her.
She has gotten better, and is able to walk now, though I still don't trust it, that's why I try to do as much as I can to keep her from walking for a long time. But that has been quite hard because the first time we went to town, I got beaten up. I know why. It was a man who knew me from long ago. He's in jail now Christine told me; she said he had been misbehaving for too long now according to the police. I bruised my ribs. I can still feel that whenever I bent or when lifting something up. It´s not the worst part because it happened more often when I was with the gypsies. The worst thing is that I broke my finger. It hurts badly when I play the piano, but I don't want to stop playing. Christine has been asking me about it but I tell her it's alright. She does the same to me, anyway.
But that's not the problem. I've been anxious, Diary. Anxious to go out, that someone might recognise me, and hurt me again. Or even worse, Christine. I know she risks to get hurt without me as much as when she's with me. But when I want to go out, I can't. But on the other hand the house scares me also, especially my old bedroom. I haven't put even one step into my old bed room. It somehow scares me. Do you think that's strange?
I know Christine has been in there when I was busy tuning and renovating the piano, and I know she has no idea that I know that. I wonder if I will ever be able to step in there again.
This makes me feel as if I'm trapped between them, and it makes me want to hide from everything but I can´t because I have to take care of Christine.
She has asked me what the matter is but I don't want to tell her. She must think I'm a complete fool if I told her.
I sometimes go out in the garden, even though it´s freezing, the cold feels good.
I don't really know what to do and it keeps me up at night. Christine doesn't know that and I'd like to keep it that way. Though she does notice the weary look in my eyes, I just tell her it´s nothing.
But there is also good news. Can you remember how I told you about Raoul? I found out he is a really kind person. He financed the whole wedding. I had told him he shouldn't do it, but he told me we should see it as a wedding gift. He´s very amusing usually and incredibly clumsy, but he sometimes pushes a bit too much. I remember that time he had upset Christine by the remark of the people who would come to our wedding. I felt sorry for him... and also for Christine.
Christine and I have noticed how he and Meg have grown close. You know who Meg is, right? I've mentioned her somewhere. Anyway, they were here a week ago. Christine had written them and they were excited to come over, and insisted to see how I was doing. Meg told us her mother wanted to make sure we were alright (Luckily, she had not told her mother about the accident. I had asked Christine if she could say in the note to keep it secret from Antoinette for she would surely be outraged by my stupid action). They were startled when they saw me and I can't blame them. I was even uglier than I already am, and the pain was unbearable, especially when I had to laugh, but I sometimes couldn't help it.
I've signed Christine up for singing in the Opera. From the reply I got they were really excited to have her back again. She seemed excited as well when reading the letters the managers sent us. I know how much she wants to sing again, so I hope she can start soon. I´ve read they desperately want to get rid of Carlotta... which doesn´t surprise me in any way. Next week we´ll visit the Opera and have a chat with the managers. That means I´ll have to get over my fears.
I just hope everything will get better soon...