Fifty Shades of Trouble
Summary: What if there was a fourth Grey child? Broken from a past much similar to Christian's, Letty was a timid young child, but as she grows, the teenage Juliette turns out to be nothing more than Fifty Shades of Trouble. How would having a teenage sister change Fifty during the Fifty Shades Trilogy? How would he handle seeing his sister spiral dangerously close to his rock bottom?
AN: So I finished the semester off strong, keeping my 4.0 GPA intact even with all the craziness that happened. I start summer classes Tuesday *sigh*, but by the end of the summer I will officially have enough credits to be considered a senior, although, with my double major, I won't graduate until May 2020 (a full year after I would if I were a normal person with one major).
Anyway, I'm rambling about myself. As for the story, I have chapters 26 and 27 completed, and 28 about halfway done, but because of how busy I'm expecting to be, I'll only upload one each Saturday. I'm not really sure how long this story will end up being. Theoretically speaking, I could end the story after chapter 28, and then write a sequel, but I haven't decided yet. So anyway, everyone enjoy this chapter and please guys, review! It makes my day so much better.
Chapter 25: I Felt Nothing
"It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty."
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated
Letty POV
Monday, July 25
I found myself, once again, in Dr. Flynn's office, staring out the window.
"Are you excited for your brother's wedding on Saturday?" Dr. Flynn asked me.
I shrugged. I'm sure I usually would be excited about any wedding, especially Christian's, but there was no joy inside of me when I thought about the wedding. There wasn't excitement. There was just numbness.
"Has something been bothering you lately?" He continued. "You always stay quiet at appointments but these past few weeks, something hasn't seemed right. Did something happen?"
Again, I offered him another shrug. I wasn't about to tell him what was going on with me. I'm pretty sure that letting a guy be your "Master" for drugs was something he was allowed to break patient confidentiality over.
"Your parents spoke with me a week ago. I believe you know that though." He told me.
I nodded, still staring out the window.
"They think you're depressed." He told me quietly. "I can't help but start to think they may be right about that. Your brother has expressed his concerns as well."
I rolled my eyes. Of course he had.
"In order for me to diagnose you with anything though, you need to start speaking to me. You don't have to feel this way Letty. You don't have to feel alone. If you would just speak with me, I could help you." He told me gently.
After a few more failed attempts at conversation, Dr. Flynn finally sighed, and I turned my attention to one of my favorite books Life of Pi. I flipped through the pages, only half paying attention. Not even a book, not even one of my favorite books, could distract me from the impending "morning kickboxing lesson" tomorrow.
"Juliette." Dr. Flynn spoke softly. "You know, you can hold onto this silence for as long as you want, but it's not going to do you any good. Do you remember what I told you a few weeks back? That first quote I told you to think on?"
And I did. I remembered those words well. I had thought on them for a while, almost haunted by them, until I chose to ignore them.
"You do have a story inside you; it lies articulate and waiting to be written — behind your silence and your suffering."
I nodded and he tilted his head to the side as he crossed his legs again while he watched me. "I hope that one day you'll share that story with someone. Even if it isn't me. Help can only be offered to those who allow it, and so many people are willing to give you help if you'd just gift them the opportunity."
Yeah, people may be willing to speak with me, and listen to my problems, but they would never be able to get me out of the mess I had myself in now. Not without me giving up the pills. I couldn't give up those pills, not even for freedom from Ash. I needed those pills more than I desired a life without physical pain. The pills masked the emotional pain, so I could deal with the welts, the bruises. I could deal with the beatings if it meant I didn't think about my past anymore, if I could sleep without dreams.
"Can I go now?" I asked as I glanced up at the clock.
"Our time is up." He sighed. "Unless you wish to tell me something."
"Not today." I told him.
Not today, not next Monday, not ever.
"Then you may go." He agreed.
Without another word, I was up and in the lobby in an instant. I was shocked to see Elliot instead of Mia waiting on me. I guess he had the day off.
"Hey Pipsqueak!" He boomed.
"What are you doing here?" I asked him as he hugged me.
"I had the day off, and you have season tickets to the Mariners, and they're playing at home today." He smiled. "And I need someone to go eat buffalo wild wings with me."
I think this would usually excite me, especially going to a game, but I didn't feel any excitement at my brother's words.
"So you and I are going to go home so you can get your jersey and hat, then we're going out and about for the day until game time." He smiled at me.
I simply nodded and let him pull me with him, his arm draped over my shoulder, to the car. He drove us very quickly, getting us home much sooner than Mia was ever able to drive us home. I headed up to my room and quickly got changed into the jersey Elliot had given me for my birthday and my hat. I quickly put a few of the pills into a small baggy and stuck them into my bra. I would need them if I was going to be out all day.
"Is that what you're wearing?" I asked my brother who was literally decked out in Cubs colors, who happened to be the team we were playing today.
"I've got my jersey in the car. I just didn't want to ruin the surprise." He chuckled.
Elliot did everything he could to try and get me to smile throughout the day, even doing the hot wings challenge at Buffalo Wild Wings, and I faked it. I laughed, and smiled, but like with Dad, it was just to make him think he was cheering me up. I may have been right beside my brother all day long, but I had never felt so alone in my entire life.
…
…
Grace POV
Sunday, July 31
I blotted a tear as I looked at Christian in his dashing tuxedo, and Ana in her beautiful white dress, at the front of the aisle.
"You may kiss the bride." Reverend Walsh announced and I broke into a wide smile as Christian kisses sweet Ana chastely on the lips.
My, how she's changed our son. She has brought him to life. She has saved our son in more ways than one. I never thought I would be watching my son marry the love of his life, but now that I did, the feeling was overwhelming as more tears rolled down my cheeks.
All of the guests were applauding. I could see Ana's mother blotting her own tear occasionally as she watched her daughter, and Kate, Ana's maid-of-honor was beaming at the couple but kept glancing at Elliot, Christian's best-man. I couldn't help but wonder if I would be sitting in the same spot for my other son soon.
I glanced at the rest of my family. Carrick wore a proud, wide smile as he watched our son. Mia was ecstatic, bouncing up and down beside Ethan. Letty was the next one I looked at. My youngest had been worrying me so much the past month. She wore a smile as she sat by her date, Rocklin, but her eyes told a different story. They were empty, numb. But as John had told us, until she was willing to accept help, we couldn't do much to help her. She was breaking my heart slowly but surely. I couldn't help but be reminded of Christian at her age, before I made the tremendous mistake of sending him to do work for Elena. I would never make a mistake like that again. I would never send any of my children away as punishment, not even to do chores for someone I considered a close friend.
My thoughts of my youngest left me some as the wedding party got into full swing. My husband and I waltzed with grace on the dance floor together along with several other couples, only stopping when I decided I needed another glass of wine.
Carrick held my hand as we watched our children all dancing. Ethan was dancing with Mia, both gazing longingly at each other as they danced together, both still refusing to admit the obvious chemistry between the pair of them. Kate and Elliot were borderline inappropriate, but I liked to blame the alcohol in their systems for that. Christian and Ana were just so lost in each other's eyes as they danced that I doubted they even knew what was going on around them.
Then there was Letty, with Rocklin. I wasn't sure which one of the children broke my heart more, my daughter, or the little boy I had known for over a decade now. Rocklin looked like he was enjoying himself, but the poor boy looked like he had aged a few decades since I had last seen him. His father had told me when we went to pick him up for the wedding that Rocklin's mother would be lucky to make it to next week. She was getting sicker, weaker, and it had been taking a toll on the poor fifteen-year-old.
Then there was Letty, putting on a happy face, trying to trick us all into thinking she was having fun. She wasn't though. She was broken, devastated, lost in her own sorrow. I think the worst part about Letty was that I had no idea what was going on with my youngest. She was hurting so badly, but wouldn't tell anyone why. I had no idea how to help my poor child.
My eyes traveled to my parents, dancing nearby their youngest grandchild, both eyes staying on Letty, then making eye contact with me. They broke their dance and walked up to us.
"Grace, what is going on with her?" My mother asked me softly as she took my hands.
"Honestly, I don't know Mom. We've been trying so hard to figure that out, but nothing has worked. She's been isolating herself from everyone, even her friends she used to be with 24/7." I sighed as I watched her.
"This is the first time she's seen her best friend in a month." Carrick told them.
"Perhaps I could get something out of her." My father offered.
"Not tonight." I shook my head. "This is the…well, closest to happy, I've seen her in a while."
"I think we should go steal a dance with the bride and groom Grace." Carrick told me.
I nodded in agreement and moved over to my son. He passed Ana off to his father and took me in his arms as we began dancing.
"I'm so happy for you Darling." I smiled as we danced together.
"It was a lovely wedding Mom. Thank you for throwing it." He smiled.
"I'm just glad you didn't run off to Vegas." I teased earning a smirk from him.
"It was tempting." He smiled.
"Does Ana have any idea what your plans are for the honeymoon?" I asked him.
He smiled and shook his head. "None at all. She'll be ecstatic."
"Have you enjoyed your wedding?" I asked him with a smile.
"I have." He agreed. "I think everyone has."
I watched as his eyes traveled to his youngest sister.
"Well, almost everyone." He admitted.
"I know." I sighed as I looked to where Elliot was twirling his littlest sister around on the dance floor. "We're doing everything we can to help her."
"But she doesn't want help?" Christian offered.
I sighed and nodded.
"I was the same way." He bit his lip. "She…she won't even talk to me anymore Mom." My son's voice broke towards the end of his sentence.
"Oh Darling, don't worry about all of this right now. Not today. Not on your wedding day." I sighed as I caressed his cheek. "Today, and for the duration of your honeymoon, you celebrate with your new bride. Your father, brother, sister, and I will worry about your littlest sister for you."
"Easier said than done, but Ana does have a gift for giving me happiness." He smiled.
"I'm so happy for you Darling. You and Ana are going to have a good, long marriage, and I don't just say that to anyone." I smiled at him.
After Christian and I finished dancing, he took his youngest sister in his arms. I smiled as a very happy memory came back to me.
…
"Christian, dance with me?" A six-year-old Letty asked her eighteen-year-old brother with wide eyes.
We were currently at the second annual Coping Together Charity Ball, and Letty was tiring out quickly seeing as it was well past her bedtime. This didn't stop her from working her magic on her brother though.
"Alright Squirt." He smiled lovingly down at her.
I watched as they twirled around the dance floor, Letty not even phased by the large crowd of people as she stood on her brother's shoes, giggling as they danced together.
All eyes turned to them as our friends and colleagues smiled at our youngest son and our youngest daughter. It was truly a precious moment.
"I think" Carrick told me as he pecked my cheek "that she's going to be just fine."
We had been so worried about her lately. Her nightmares had become more frequent, she had been begging to not go to school towards the end of kindergarten, and she had seemed to be regressing back to the Letty we had first met. Seeing her like this tonight was a good sign. It was a sign that we hadn't lost her yet, or possibly a sign that the new child therapist we had found for her to speak with was working. Either way, I couldn't help the huge smile on my lips as my two darling, children danced together.
…
"There's that smile we've been waiting on." Carrick kissed my cheek softly, snapping me back into reality.
I saw what he meant. Letty had a genuine smile on her face as Christian twirled her around. I hadn't seen an actual smile from her in so long, it was reassuring.
"She's going to be alright, isn't she?" I whispered to my husband.
"I hope so." He mumbled.
The dancing continued. Everyone got a chance to dance with my son and daughter-in-law, and I was shocked to see Letty actually dancing with John. She was back to seeming stoic, but at least she wasn't glaring at the poor therapist.
I found myself waiting at the end of the arch with my husband, watching as everyone threw rice at the newlywed couple. I could swear I saw Elliot full on baseball pitch a handful of rice towards his brother but I simply shook my head and laughed.
Carrick and I each hugged and kissed Ana and Christian, my tears from earlier resurfacing, and then Taylor whisked the couple away in the Audi SUV. Before they left, Ana tossed the bouquet of white and pink roses into the crowd of young women that had gathered. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw Mia holding the bouquet triumphantly, a huge grin on her face.
After their departure, the guests began to leave as well. Carla, Bob, and Ray were the last to leave aside from Elliot, Kate, and Ethan. We had one last glass of champagne with them before they were gone too, and the clean-up-team jumped straight into taking down all the decorations in the backyard.
Carrick's phone rang and he excused himself to answer it upon seeing the caller ID. It wasn't work, not today, so I was curious as to who had been urgent enough for him to leave so quickly, but I simply sat with Elliot, Mia, Ethan, Kate, Letty, and Rocklin in the kitchen, watching as they all ate a second piece of leftover wedding cake.
"Grace, I need to speak with you." My husband's voice halted the debate over wine versus champagne the children were having, and I stepped out of the room.
My husband looked devastated. I was instantly worried. Had something happened to Ana and Christian on their way to the jet? What was going on?
"Carrick?" I asked softly.
"It's Willa." He sighed. "Laurence just called."
"What's happened?" I frowned, hoping and praying it wasn't that she had passed.
"She didn't make it Grace. Her heart gave out. They tried to resuscitate her but she was too far gone." My husband's eyes were glazed with tears when he finally finished speaking.
"Are they at the hospital?" I asked him softly.
He nodded. "Laurence doesn't want Rocklin to see the body."
"What did he ask you to do?" I asked softly.
"He wants us to tell Rocklin what happened and asked if there was any way we could have him stay here tonight. He doesn't know what time he will get to leave." He frowned.
"And Madeline?" I asked, thinking of Rocklin's older sister.
"She's at a friend's." He assured me. "How do we tell him?"
I sighed. I had been asked this question by parents of children after a death, but the fact of the matter was, there was no "right" way to tell a child their parent had died. There was certainly a wrong way, but not a "right".
"We tell him honestly what has happened. We don't sugar-coat things. I'm sure Laurence gave you details, so if he asks, try and answer his questions. We tell him as if he is an adult, but we attend to him as if he's a child. He may be old enough to hear the information, but he's going to need a lot of support." I told him softly.
"Do we tell him in front of Letty?" My husband asked.
I tilted my head a bit and bit my lip. That was a tough one. If my child were acting like her usual self, I would say yes. She would offer support to her friend. But given her distance lately, I felt that we should tell him and let him decide how much to lean on our daughter.
"I think we should tell him alone." I disagreed. "We should go. It's not going to get any easier regardless of how long we delay this."
"Alright." My husband sighed as he offered his hand to me.
I took it and we walked back in the room where the children were all sitting on the sofa, laughing and talking. Rocklin looked so cheerful. For once, he didn't look like a child whose mother was dying. He just looked like a carefree fifteen-year-old enjoying himself. We were about to ruin that.
"Rocklin, Sweetheart, we need to speak with you for a moment." I offered quietly.
All the heads turned to look at my husband and I and Rocklin's expression changed. He knew something was wrong.
"We should be heading home." Elliot told us softly as he pulled Kate from the sofa.
They both offered soft goodbyes and hugs to my husband and I, Elliot ruffling Rocklin's hair before they left. Mia stood next and offered a hand to her little sister.
"Let's get your hair down and that makeup off so you can go to bed." Mia offered softly.
My daughter nodded and glanced to Rocklin. "I'll be upstairs, okay?" She whispered.
"Okay." He agreed.
Once the girls were gone, I moved over to the sofa and sat down beside my honorary fifth child, and rested a hand on his back gently. My husband moved to sit on his other side.
"It's my mother, isn't it?" He asked us softly.
"Yes Sweetheart." I answered honestly, running my hand up and down his back.
"Is she—is she…" His voice trailed off, a single tear streaking his cheek. "Did she die?"
"I'm so sorry Sweetheart." I sighed as I wrapped a gentle arm around him, pulling him closer to me.
"How?" He asked softly as more tears rolled down his cheeks.
"It was her heart." My husband answered softly. "She was weak and her heart just gave out."
"Did they try and—did they try to save her?" Rocklin asked, his voice a mix between a whimper and a whisper.
"Yes, they did everything they could. She was just too sick." My husband told him.
"Madeline and Dad?" He asked us, his bright, tear-filled, blue eyes turning towards me.
"Your father is at the hospital. Madeline is at a friend's house." Carrick offered.
"I—I should go be with my father. He shouldn't be alone." Rocklin whispered.
"Sweetheart, he wants for you and Mads to get some rest. He doesn't want you to see your mother like this." I sighed.
"It—it hurts." He whimpered.
"I know Baby." I whispered as I pulled him into my arms, his head resting on my chest like a small child's would. Like one of my children would have if they needed comfort. "I'm so very sorry Rocklin, no words I could say could even begin to offer you comfort."
"Your father wants for you to stay with us tonight." My husband whispered as he rested a hand on the trembling child's back. "Is that okay with you?"
Rocklin nodded, his trembling not letting up in the slightest. "Breathe for me Sweetheart. Take a deep breath."
"I can't." He sobbed.
I sighed and held him even closer to me, holding him as tight as I could but not tight enough to be uncomfortable. I let him sob for a solid ten minutes or so until he was too exhausted to continue crying for his mother. I glanced to my husband, tears glazed over my eyes, and saw his own were puffy and red. We were witnessing, and partaking in, one of the most heartbreaking scenes you could witness. We were witnessing a child grieving the loss of their mother.
"Come Darling, let's get you out of your tux and into something more comfortable." I finally told the child as I pulled him up off the couch with me.
He was so shell-shocked, so terrified, that my husband and I had to practically carry him up the stairs. Letty was still in the shower by the sound of it, so I gently got Rocklin onto the bed. Carrick had grabbed a pair of Rocklin's pajama pants and a t-shirt for him. Rocklin's fingers were shaking so badly he couldn't even get his shirt unbuttoned so I gently reached to help him.
It didn't matter that he was fifteen, not in this moment. He was a child who needed my help. He was just a little boy in this moment. At some point during my getting him ready for bed, Letty submerged from her bathroom, her own pajamas on, expression solely confused.
I found myself tucking Rocklin into the side of the bed Letty typically didn't sleep on, tightly around him. Tears were still in his blue eyes as I kissed his forehead, heartbrokenness the only emotion I could describe on his facial features.
"Mom?" Letty asked softly.
"Letty, a word?" Carrick offered softly, gesturing for Letty to step in the hallway with him.
My daughter followed my husband outside and I ran my hand through Rocklin's hair. I remained silent as I sat with the broken fifteen-year-old. No words I could say could offer any sort of comfort. Not right now. Not when the death was so…fresh, so new.
Rocklin was dozing off as Letty came back in the room, studying her friend carefully as she climbed into bed. Most mothers probably wouldn't let two fifteen-year-olds of the opposite gender sleep in the same bed, and unless it was a rare occasion, usually Rocklin slept in a guest room, but I didn't want him to be alone tonight.
After my daughter had joined her friend, gently running her hand through his hair like I had been, offering me a small nod, telling me she was alright with him, I left with my husband.
"She promised to wake us if he needs us." My husband told me as he walked with me down to my room. "They're going to be alright."
"I hope so." I whispered.
Letty POV
As I sat in my bed, Rocklin's head on my lap, I knew I should feel something. My best friend, someone I had known literally my entire life, had just received some of the worst news of his life. But as I ran my hand through his hair, trying to offer comfort to him as he dozed in and out of sleep, I didn't feel sympathy. I didn't feel heartbroken, sad, or pained. The reality of it was, I felt nothing. The pills I had taken in the bathroom, the blade I had run across my hip, they had served their purpose. I couldn't feel, and that's just how I wanted it to be.