Alex sat in a dilapidated chair in the damp and dark corner of a motel room with her exhausted son sleeping in her arms. It was the second hotel room in her journey to disappear. To somehow slip into the darkness that her heart felt and become one with it- if only to hide herself from everyone. Forever. The early morning flight had reeked havoc on her and had practically made her usually sweet son a force to be reckoned with. She must have apologized a half a million times to the passengers next to her as he repeatedly screeched and cried and sobbed.
She'd wished Robert was there to sooth him.
She'd thought, as he cried and wailed and hollered even as she strapped him into the smallest and most economical rental car she could find, that she'd never be able to quiet him. He pled and demanded to see his daddy. His labored cries had led into coughing fits as they drove to the below-modest motel. She looked at him periodically through the rear-view mirror only to see that his face with furious red and registered such confusion and longing for his father that she'd almost turned the vehicle around opting for New York.
Almost.
His crying hadn't ceased when they checked in during the early hours of the morning, nor did it abate when she walked with him on her hip, their luggage in tow trying to get into the room. It didn't stop when she offered him food for his belly and it didn't budge even when she sat and rocked him in the chair. It did however finally stop when he simply didn't have anything else to offer. When he could no longer tell his mommy that he missed his daddy so much.
"We won't be here very long honey. I promise," Alex whispered as he slept. "Mom's gonna find a job. Save up and we'll get a house… you can have your own room."
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She'd eaten the omelet in silence and the only thing she could think of, even as it set heavy in her belly making her all the more sick, was that he himself hadn't eaten and he was sitting outside on the deck hunched over in a chair. Disappointed in her. Again. She'd already had the ingredients mapped out in her mind as to what she would put in his omelet. Extra mushrooms, diced as small as possible the way he liked them. Ham, he enjoyed large chunky masses of ham in his omelet and jalapeños. He'd want those too.
It was perfect and her stomach was terror. But the omelet he'd made her was soaked in juice and the omelet he'd made himself was threatening to rise from the depth of her belly. He'd sacrificed it for her, even though he was angry with her. He'd always look out for her. Always.
She could at least make sure he had breakfast.
She crammed a bottle of water in the pocket of her flannel pants and carefully took the omelet out to the deck, negotiating the sliding glass door and simply leaving it open as she crossed from the carpet to the deck. Nervously, she cleared her throat and he didn't so much as move a muscle.
She took a deep breath, "I… I um… you didn't eat, and I know its my fault, but… I made you an omelet."
He's been sitting there so quietly that she wasn't sure if this would be a knock out fight or if he would allow her to apologize. The soft sun of the morning highlighted his face as he turned slowly to her and looked at the plate. A peace offering he knew.
Why couldn't she just accept his love and know that no matter what she looked like, acted like or smelled like, he'd love her. Why couldn't she accept the fact that she wielded a power over him that made him want her every second of every day. He wanted to slip into the warm safety of her body, he wanted to hold her on the couch after a long day and watch a ridiculous Disney movie with the kids. He wanted to sip hot chocolate with her in the winter, drink ice tea in the summer, dance naked with her as close as possible. Why couldn't she understand that.
His eyes finally left the plate and settled on her face, why couldn't she see that she needed to go to the counseling that was being offered? Why couldn't she know that he wanted so badly for her to go so she could understand that what she felt is what other women have felt and feel. Why didn't she know that he just wanted her to go so that she could heal?
She couldn't tell what he was thinking but he was certainly thinking, she could tell by the intensity in his eyes, the crease in his forehead and the dip of his brows, "El-I"
"There mushrooms in it?" he asked, jerking his head to the plate, "Ham?"
She presented the plate with both palms and smiled softly, "Jalapeños too… the way you like it."
"You gonna eat that with me?" he asked and stood slowly, his face serious, still not eluding that anything more than frustration not matter how much he tried to mask it.
She swallowed, stared down at the small breakfast and felt her own rumble in her stomach. She was gonna puke if she ate another bite not to mention the fact that the jalapeños were likely to give her indigestion, "If you want me, too."
He smirked, just slightly and slowly closed the gap between them, taking the plate from her hand and placing it on the small outdoor table. She started to protest, not understanding what was happening and he simply tugged her wrists, placing them around his hips and resting them at the small of his back.
Stray strands of hair wisped gently in the air as the cool morning breeze wrapped around them. His nose tickled and he simply buried it deeper into the scent of her hair. He raised his hand, cupped the back of her head and kissed the crown of her skull. "Sometimes," he whispered gently, "Sometimes you burn the omelet… is it burnt?"
He felt her smile against his chest as she mumbled, "No."
"That's good," he said softly and placed his hand on her waist, kept his other against her hair, "that's really good."
"Elliot," she whispered and raised her head against his chest to look up at him, "I'm sorry."
He nodded gently, "I know."
Her eyes fell, "I say that a lot don't I? And then… and then I expect you to just forgive me? That's wrong. Isn't it?"
"It's not wrong that you trust me to forgive you, Liv… but… it is wrong that you don't trust me to love you through all of this mess."
Her lips tightened and she nodded, "I'm sorry I do this to you, Elliot. I'm sorry… I'm sorry you have a wife that is this messed up."
He smiled warmly and tipped her chin up, his lips pressed tenderly against hers, "I have a wife whose a fighter…she's just been on hiatus for awhile." She bowed her head, flattened the curve of her lips into a line and he tipped her chin back up, "Do you know where I can find her? Do you know where she went?"
She slammed her eyes shut and tears spilled freely, "Elliot-"
"Say she's right here, Liv." He whispered and held her tightly against him.
"I can't," she cried, "I can't. I don't know where she is or what happen-"
"Say it," he whispered again, "Say it baby, say she's right here."
"I ca-"
"Say it."
"El-"
"Say it," he whispered again, his voice never changing, "Say it. Say she's right here, Liv. Say it."
She cried harder, wrapped her arms around his neck and struggled to get her words out, "She's right here."
He grinned and gently sat back down, pulling her with him and helping her curl her body into his lap as she struggled to gain composure, "I'm glad you found her," he told her and caressed her face, let his thumb run tenderly over her moist cheek, "I'm so glad you found her, Liv."
She sniffled, and pulled her body closer to his, "I want to be strong again, I do… But, I don't know how to get there."
He stroked her thigh tenderly as he held her, "Olivia," he took in a slow breath and tightened his embrace on her, "you have to go to the counsl-"
"No."
"You either go on your own will," he told her gently but with a sternness creeping up, "or I will make you go."
She jerked back and stared at him, "You'll make me?" Please make me. Please make me. I need you to make me, Elliot.
He swallowed, realized he was on dangerous ground with her, "Yes… Vivian-"
"I don't care about Vivian," she shook her head. I care about you and me and I just need you to tell me that you'll take me today. Right now. Please!
He offered a more logical route, hoping to appeal to her senses, "She's just like a doctor, Liv and if she thinks it'll help then-"
She sat up straighter gearing for a new phase of their fight, "You're doctor thinks you need a cane, Elliot but don't think I haven't noticed you ditched it again." Why are you fighting him? Why? Just let him take you, he said he would!
He bit his bottom lip and looked back at her, "I'm not gonna let you treat me like I'm the bad guy," he said in the most neutral voice he could muster, "I won't let you-"
She smirked bitterly, "You're not letting me do a whole lot are you? Must make you feel like a real man-"
He swallowed, held her even tighter and kissed her cheek even as she tried to pull away from his lips, "I'm not the bad guy, Liv… I'm giving you a month to decide to go on your own… or I will shove you in my car and drag you there myself."
"A month?" she scoffed, "Please." Please don't wait that long. I won't make it, Elliot.
"That's your option, Liv."
She broke his hold from around her and stood up, "Option? So know I get options?" she hissed. I don't want options! I need you to make this decision for me!
He continued to sit silently and reached for the plate of food, bringing it close to him and very quietly took a bite of the luke-warm omelet. "You have your choice," he said around a bite and simply leaned back in the chair, crossing his legs and enjoying his wife's cooking.
His easy silence infuriated her as much as frustrated her. She grabbed the water from her pocket and launched it at him narrowly missing his head as it flew over his shoulder. "I don't want options, Elliot!"
He took another bite, shifting it so it swelled his cheek, "I'm giving you a month to think about it."
She tangled her hands at the side of her head, "I don't want a month!" she screeched. Her eyes wild and afraid and searching for stability in life.
He swallowed and prepared another bite, "Then what do you want?" he asked sincerely before putting a chunk of ham in his mouth.
"I don't want a month!" she hollered again, "I want right now!" she sobbed, her fists in front of her belly, adding to her plea, "I need right now!"
He furrowed his brow, placed the plate back on the table, "What?"
She collapsed her weight into the first available chair and dug her elbows into her thighs as she held her head and cried "Not a month!"
He made his way to her, kneeled painfully in front of her and held her cheek with the warmth of his hand, "I can't give you more time than that, Liv."
She slapped his wrist away and turned her face from his gaze, her tears flowing hotter and faster than before. Why couldn't he just accept the peace offering and eat it? Why did he have to do this to her? Why was he so intent on breaking her so completely?
"A month, Olivia… that's all I do-"
Out of frustration she grabbed at his shirt, fisted the material in both of her hands and the chords of her neck bulged with the pain of her plea as she yelled at him, her eyes maniacal and hooded with exhaustion and anger, "I don't need a month!" she screeched and shoved at his chest as she sobbed, "I don't want options!"
He kept his composure in the midst of her insanity and simply rest his larger hand over her fist that held his shirt hostage, "What do you want? Tell me," he said softly.
She pulled at him harder, the collar of his tee shirt ripping with the force of her need for him to understand what she was asking, "I need you to take this from me!"
He furrowed his brows, that's what he's been trying to do since the day he met her and realized there was something so heavy in her eyes. So dark. He's been trying to heal this wound before he knew it existed.
"Give it to me," he said still covering her hands with one of his, hoping her grasp didn't get any tighter.
She broke again, leaned into him and rested her temple against his, "I'm trying!" she sobbed, "I'm trying so hard."
"Take the month, Liv-" he said softly.
Her grasp tightened around his tee and his oxygen was starting to become restricted yet he also felt that he was on to something, that he could get her to agree to a time line although he had no negative reinforcer to force compliance.
"Liv-"
She sobbed as if she were grieving the loss of a loved one, that deep guttural cry that starts so far down in your stomach you think its your soul crying out for salvation and maybe that was precisely what was happening here, "I need you to take me," she cried, "I need you take me, Elliot."
"I want to," he nodded, "I do. You know that, but-"
"No buts," she shook her head against his forehead, "I won't… I can't go a month, Elliot," she sniffled. "Please… please don't give me a choice," she cried, "Please… please make me do this. I need you to take me, because I can't go on my own, please?"
He pulled back slowly and gently pried her hands from his shirt, caressed her face in her palms and smiled, "You don't want a month… because you need me to take you now?"
She bit her bottom lip, and nodded, "Please, Elliot? Please, be my husband? Please?"
His smiled turned into a grin and he pulled her face to his, kissed her with urgency, his lips against hers, her tears on his lips before he pulled back and looked at her with such hope on his face, "Had I known you wanted me to go barbaric… I'd of clubbed you a few days ago."
She let out a half sob and wrapped her arms around his neck, "Please don't give me a choice in this… I'm so scared I'll make the wrong one."
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"Wake up sweet girl," Olivia whispered as she gently rubbed Hannah's tiny back. When the brunette toddler didn't budge, Olivia tenderly pushed her daughter's hair back and kissed her chubby cheek, "Its wake time honey," Olivia cooed and smiled as her daughter started to move and groan as the sunlight filtered in through the window.
"Mama?" Hannah said, her voice dripping in sleep. "I tired."
Olivia grinned, "I know you are baby, but I want to hold you."
Hannah giggled, "Yous holds me and get me a kitty?"
"A kitty?"
"I no hit Solo," Hannah reminded her and sat slowly in the rocker with her daughter in her lap.
"I've noticed that," Olivia whispered, "and you're so amazing for not hitting."
"Mommy?"
"Yeah baby?"
"Where my daddy?"
Olivia took in a soft breath of air and gently brought her daughter's forehead to her lips, "He's making an important phone call for mommy."
"'Portent?"
"Yeah," Olivia nodded, "Very."
"Mommy? I gotta potty," she said suddenly anxious as she tried to slide off of her mother's lap, "I gotta pee pee, hurry."
Olivia chuckled and walked quickly with her daughter into the kids' bathroom helping her with her night clothes and eventually onto to the toilet, "Got it pumpkin?"
"Yeah," Hannah yawned and tended to her business, getting help from her mother when she requested it and waving goodbye to the used toilet paper as she flushed the toilet. "My teesies mommy?"
Olivia grinned, "Sure. Little jump," she said and helped her daughter sit on the counter.
"Mommy?" Hannah asked again as her mother helped her with a rag over her small hands, "My broder? Hims get a room?"
"A room?" Olivia furrowed her brows and produced a perfect bead of paste on her daughter's tooth brush.
"Yeah… Daddy said Solo get a room."
Olivia nodded, "Yep. He will, Frankie is coming over this morning and he and daddy are gonna talk about it."
Hannah's face fell and her lower lip stuck out, her large brown eyes filling with water. Olivia tipped her chin up to begin brushing her teeth and stopped when she saw her daughter's downcast face, "Pumpkin? What is it?"
Her voice was tender, sad, "Solo get a snakie."
"Did that hurt your feelings? You got a frog, remember?"
Hannah exhaled, pursed her lips like she's seen her father do so many times, "I killded him… Solo get a snakie and him get hims room… wif'out me."
Olivia held her daughter's cheek in her palm, "Baby? Do you not want to be away from Solo?"
Hannah's brows lifted just slightly, "I luv broder."
Olivia's eyes watered, what had she done pleading with Elliot to separate their littlest ones, "Honey, you'll have your own room, too… aren't you excited about that?"
Hannah shook her head, "Super scary."
"Solomon slept with the boys last night… was it scary without him?"
Hannah worried her lip and nodded softly, "Super scary wif'out my broder."
Olivia stared down at the Flinstones tooth brush in her hand and didn't know what to do. She knew Elliot was saving her in the other room, right now, but what she didn't know was what to do with Hannah. This separation anxiety from Hannah was not something she had expected. Not at all. She thought Hannah would be happy about it.
And instead of talking it out with her only daughter she had, she did the only thing she could think of, "Open wide, baby."
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"Chloe?" Donovan smiled, encircling her waist with his arm and kissing her cheek softly, "You look amazing and completely confused… what's up sexy?" He asked as he looked at her through the reflection of the bathroom mirror.
She bowed her head and grinned, "Shut up."
"I'm serious," he chuckled in her ear. "You are so sexy and you're pregnant and that makes you like, exponentially sexy… but you also look like a deer caught in the head lights. Care to share?"
Chloe smirked, turned in his embrace, "You got it wrong."
"Do not."
"Do… I'm not confused. Elliot called, he needs some help."
Donovan arched a brow, "Oh really? What type of help?" he teased and pulled her hips close to his so they meshed with one another and when she gasped he kissed the corner of her mouth and hummed a chuckle, "I'm the only one that you can help like that."
She chuckled and slapped his shoulder playfully, "Not like that you over-sexed man!"
He chuckled even more and pinned her between his forming erection and the counter top of the restroom, his lips on her neck, "You complaining?"
She reached between the two of them and cupped him through his pajama bottoms, "Did you hear me complaining this morning?"
"Yep," he nodded and stood straight to look at her as he continued to tease, "You said – and I quote – come on Donovan, it's too early for sex, It'll be better at nine, I promise." He grinned, "Sounded like complaining to me."
She bit her bottom lip and peered up at him, her fingers tickling his crotch in gentle, barely there strokes, "Yeah, but that was before you kissed me."
His grin was wicked, "Where? Tell me, I forgot."
She chuckled, "You didn't forget. Stop. I have to get ready."
"For what?"
"I told you," she kissed him chastely on the mouth, "Elliot called… he wants me to come over."
Donovan furrowed his brows faking a pout, "He trying to steal my woman? Doesn't he already have one? Selfish bastard."
Her grin was delicious as she stood tip toed and kissed his lips playfully, "Stop being jealous."
"I think he likes you," he played fully aware that Elliot was so focused on his own wife no other woman stood a chance no matter who were they were and Chloe? Well he liked to think she was so hung up on him as her husband that Elliot didn't stand a chance either.
She came back on her tip-toes and placed her lips near his ear, "There's no way he'd ever make me come with his mouth the way you did this morning. No way."
He beamed boyishly and nodded cockily as he touched her inner thigh, "You liked that kiss this morning, huh?"
Her face grew flush as she nodded, "Yeah. Yeah, you know I did… I have to get ready."
He released her with a smile and leaned up against the counter, "Are the Stabler's okay?"
She furrowed her brow and pulled open the closet doors, "I don't know… Elliot sounded frazzled… Why don't you come with me? Maybe it'll be good for Elliot to have you around."
Donovan leaned against the wall and folded his arms over his chest, "Chloe? Not that I'm saying the Stabler's don't care for us but… when is the last time Elliot himself called and asked you to go to the house?"
Chloe slid into a pair of jeans and buckled them before looking at her husband, "Okay, for starters… I need new clothes, the baby is starting to add some weight on me," she smiled, "and… what do you mean? Come on, Donovan… you're not suggesting that there's something between Elliot and I… are you?"
He laughed softly, "No. Absolutely not. Not with his receeding hairline," he joked, "I'm just saying… do you think something might be wrong?"
Chloe exhaled, "Well, actually, I think something is wrong… he asked me to take Olivia out."
Donovan pushed himself off of the wall and opened the top drawer of the dresser, withdrawing a bra that was his favorite and handing it to her, "Please? It's my favorite."
She smirked, took it and put it on before reaching for a t-shirt on the bed, "what's the deal Donovan? Why are you going all Monk on me?"
"Just..." he exhaled and started to pull out his own clothing, "I mean… I know they care for us, and we go to dinner with them periodically but, they don't just randomly call for things like this… You think Olivia is flipping her lid?"
"About Abel?"
"Yeah… she looked like hell at the bar-b-que," he said and slipped into a pair of jeans, buckleing them and pulling for a shirt.
"Nice ass," she said and slapped his buttock as she walked by, "wear the grey shirt… it's my favorite."
He smiled, his teeth showing and he shook his head in happiness. His wife was quite possibly the most awesome woman he's ever known. "I'm just saying," he continued as she began the tasks of doing her make-up and hair, "usually… we're not the first line of defense, I mean… they are usually there more for us then we are for them… They've got the Novaks and the Greys… really-I mean- it must be total chaos if they need us."
She leaned her hip against the sink of the bathroom and smiled at him, "Then lets show them that we might be young, but… we can be there for them too."
Donovan nodded, "Okay… I suppose I can break from my X-box and go… I'll get Matthew up."
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"Nanah!" Solomon yelled with all of his might as he barreled down the hall-way from his brothers' room, "Nanah! Where yous at?" he demanded as hot tears flowed down his cheeks and his tiny bare feet slammed against the carpet, his blond hair bouncing here and there as he ran, "Nanah!"
"Hey," Olivia stepped out of Hannah's room and cut his frantic body off in the hall. "What's the deal with all the yelling?" she asked softly and kneeled to look at him.
"Sissy?" he sobbed and rubbed his eyes with pudgy fist, "I wakes up and she not wit'me!"
"Hey," she said softly and tenderly lowered his hands, wiping his cheeks with her thumbs, "remember you guys are gonna have your own rooms soon and right now you're camping out with your brothers?"
Solomon looked at his mother and his blue eyes were frantic, "Mommer… I wan my Nanah."
Olivia smiled, kissed his cheek and gently lifted her son into her arms, "Well all you had to do was ask instead of trying to wake up the whole house," she teased. "Sister is getting her play clothes on… can you go get yours and wake up your brothers?"
"Ugggh," Sam groaned from the side of the hall, "he already did…. Man, he screams like a girl."
"Do not!" Solomon pouted and threw his arms around his mother's neck, "Send him time out, Mommer."
"Morning, Samuel," Olivia smiled and absently kissed Solomon on his cheek as she walked to her oldest boy and wrapped her arm around him, another kiss for another son, "Did you sleep better?"
"Yeah, until Barbie here, started shouting," he teased and felt for his little brother, tickling him playfully. "Come on Solo, I was just playing."
Solomon buried his face in his mother neck, "Not talkin' to yous."
"Well," Sam teased all the more and Olivia let him because she had no problems letting Sam act like a big brother and all big brothers teased and tortured their little brothers at some point. That and Sam's teasing was always innocent and he would always know how to make his littlest brother smile. "I guess, I'll just eat all the fruit loops then."
"Hey!" Solomon instantly squirmed out of his mother's embrace and yanked at his brother's pajama's, "I wan'some."
Sam ran his hand through his brother's hair, "Then stop being so loud, geeze,"
"Potty, sammy," Solomon yanked on his brothers shorts again, "Pweeze?"
Sam, reached out, felt for his mother's form and kissed her cheek, "Morning."
"Morning, handsome… do you want me to take him?"
"No," Sam smiled softly and yawned, "I will."
"POTTY!" Solomon yelled and bolted to the restroom unconcerned if his brother was following or not.
"Hey sexy," Elliot's voice compelled her to turn slowly and face the office as he leaned against the wall, the chordless phone in his hand, resting against his chin.
She fiddled with the drawstring to her flannels and lowered her head, "I need to wake up Isaac."
"He's asleep in our bed… he woke me up this morning, said his mother was snoring," he chuckled softly but remained where he was.
Olivia nodded towards Hannah's room, "I should make sure she gets dressed."
He pushed off of the wall and wrapped his hand around her wrist as she attempted to walk into Hannah's bedroom. She stopped, her wrist limp in his grasp until her pulled gently and she turned to look at him, "She'll need-"
"She can do it," he whispered tenderly and pulled her close to his body, his arm encircling her waist with the phone, his free hand on her cheek. "It was a good omelet."
She smiled weakly and leaned into his hand, "It was the least I could do."
He lowered his hand just slightly and grazed his thumb over her bottom lip, "I called."
Her brows furrowed and she nodded as her eyes filled with tears but she said nothing, instead, she leaned into him and rest her head against his chest, "I'm not going," she finally whispered, "I can't."
He tightened his hold on her and kissed the crown on her head, "You are going. It's not an option anymore."
She fisted the material of his shirt in her hands at the small of his back and let out a sob, "Thank you."
He smiled sweetly against her hair and closed his eyes in relief. He waited a few moments, "I have the plans that you wanted to tell Frankie… he'll be here in a few hours, but Chloe is coming and she's gonna take you out."
She pulled back and looked at him, wiped her cheeks quickly, "Chloe? What?"
"Yeah," he nodded and took a tiny step closer to her, his finger tips touching her wet cheek gently.
She arched her brow, "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
He licked his lips and swallowed, smiled on the inside that he could hear Sam grumbling with Solomon just down the hall and his only daughter was obviously and very nosily digging through her closet for clothes her mother wouldn't approve of her wearing and his two other sons were sleeping peacefully in the room just behind him. He smiled at all of that but knew he had to come clean with her and she would more than likely chose their hurting friend over her dieing self.
"Elliot?" she tilted her head and assessed him before calling tenderly into their daughter's room, "Honey- just the clothes on your bed, no dresses today, pumpkin."
Hannah giggled, "Kay, Mama."
"Liv?" Elliot's eyes locked on hers and whatever he was about to say, she knew it was loaded.
"Just say it," she said softly.
He swallowed and it took everything he had to keep his eyes on hers, "I lied to you."
She winced, was obviously caught off guard, "What? Why? W-what about?"
He stared down at the phone in his hand and then looked back up at her, "Our gate wasn't open last night… it wasn't Mr. Passtran at the door last night."
Her face was blank but she was still looking at him, her voice was raw, "Who was it, then?"
"Casey."
"Casey?" she asked and the corners of her mouth were twitching.
"I'm sorry."
"What did she want?" she asked, biting the inside of her cheeks as he struggled to gather his thoughts.
He cleared his throat in nervousness and blinked rapidly bracing for her wrath, "She found Alex," he whispered, "She found her and wanted to see you-"
She bowed her head and the corners of her lips lifted completely as she lifted her head and looked at him. A full smile on her face. "I know… I heard."
He blanched and pulled back slightly, "Excuse me?"
She cupped his cheek, "I heard you talking to her and I was wondering why she was here so late… I got up but I heard you tell her no and then I heard why-"
"I'm sorry," he said sincerely, "I'm sorry I overstepped my bounds, Liv-"
She gently moved her thumb over his cheek, "At first I didn't understand why you were doing it, but I heard you say…," her voice began to crack, "I heard you say, that our marriage needed me more-"
"Liv-"
"And you were right," she nodded, traced his hairline just over his ear, "you were. You are," she shook her head, "I can't be there for her right now. I can't. I'm not strong enough and… Elliot… I need you, right now. As much as I want to help her… I need you."
He grinned even as a tear spilled down his cheek and he turned to kiss her palm before lowering her hand and grasping her behind her neck, pulling her close and kissing her with urgency and passion and thankfulness and all the things that they were in that moment.
"Hey!" Hannah giggled, "Dat' grootie!"
Elliot smiled and attempted to pull away but Olivia held his face, brought him back to her and kissed him, gave him everything, even the things she didn't understand how to give, she decided in that precise moment that she would at least try. That she could do it. That she would surge with power and win this. With him. For him.
For them.
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Chloe's hair lifted in the slight breeze as she sat across the small circle of a table of the patio café from her friend. The air was perfect, crisp and gentle at the same time. It was that air that made everything right. The air that reminded you of your grandmother's house when you were a child, the air that made you feel inches taller and strides faster. It was perfect yet for some reason, it didn't lift Olivia's hair the same way. In fact the air seemed to be so far away from Olivia that one could almost assume it was avoiding her.
Chloe ran her hands over the tiny swell of her abdomen and took her friend into consideration. How long had it been since she she'd seen her? Long enough for the dark circles to set in just under her eyes? Long enough that she's changed her hair so drastically? Long enough that her smile is broken. Long enough.
"That coffee was like eighteen dollars," Chloe teased softly, "and you haven't so much as taken a sip… You find a bug in it?"
Olivia blinked rapidly and furrowed her brows at Chloe, "Hmmm? What?"
Chloe smiled and leaned back in her chair, "Donovan has this crazy theory about you and Elliot right now."
Olivia thumbed her brow, inhaled a breath of air and picked at the insulator to her coffee cup, "Yeah? What?"
Chloe took a healthy sip of her coffee before placing it back on the table and picking up her fork, "I love the quiche here. It's really good but I can't get Matthew to eat it."
"He's five," Olivia attempted a smile, "No five year-olds I know of like quiche."
Chloe lifted her fork to her mouth and grinned around a fresh bite, her black bangs falling over her eyes as she peered through them at her friend, "Yeah, I know….You want to know?"
"What?" Olivia raised her brows quickly and then smiled leaning into their conversation, "Did you find out what you and Donovan are going to have?"
Chloe arched her brow and leaned into the conversation so that both women were only inches away from one another, "Olivia," Chloe's tone signaled absolute seriousness and she wondered if Olivia's stomach just churned, "stop. Sooner or later, you are going to have to accept that you and Elliot might be our mentors but you can also lean on us too. We're young, but… we're not stupid."
"Chloe," Olivia shook her head softly and her face registered sincerity, "No. No, we never once thought of you or Donovan in that light. Never."
"Then," Chloe exhaled motioned between the two of them, "what is this? Stop sitting here pretending everything is okay. I wanted to do something nice for you today and you ended up taking me shopping for the baby… it was supposed to be the other way around. I was supposed to take you out, load you up on empty calories and let you vent and tell me what's going on."
Olivia exhaled in frustration and leaned back, "Nothing is going on," she groaned.
Chloe bit her bottom lip, her frustration budding, "You think I'm some kid that has nothing to offer you," she said quietly, her head bowing.
"I told you," Olivia ran her hand through her hair, "that's not what I think."
"Yeah," Chloe's nostrils flared and while she remained calm, her inability to understand why Olivia could mentor her but not lean on her gave way to bitterness. "You know what else I know? I know that you are a hypocrite for wanting to watch out for me but you never let me do the same for you."
"Chl-"
"No. Not a hypocrite," Chloe dug in her purse, her face turning angry red, "a bitch."
"Woaw!" Olivia chirped and immediately covered Chloe's hand, stopping her rummaging, "Woaw… was that a hormonal snap?"
Chloe snatched her hand back and finally retrieved her wallet, "No, Olivia," she snipped, "that was a honest-to-god-you're-frustrating-the-hell-out-of-me-with-you're-one-sided-friendship-bullshit!"
Olivia arched her brows in surprised and shock and just a smidge of hurt, "Chloe, come on-" Olivia said softly as the long-haired brunette threw down a small amount of money to cover her tab. "Chloe!" Olivia snapped louder and stood as the young girl started to gather her things after standing, "Will you just sit down! Please?"
Chloe turned back to Olivia, caught another older lady starring at the both of them before she locked her gaze with Olivia again, "Are you gonna beat around the bush or are you gonna get your balls out of your damn pocket and fucking talk to me?"
Olivia's eyes widened and her head moved imperceptibly backwards, "I," she exhaled nodded gently, "I guess I don't have a choice."
Chloe's face burst into grin and she dropped her bags immediately taking her seat, "You want another coffee?"
Olivia's jaw dropped. Perhaps she did underestimate the youngster because this was not the same young passive girl Olivia was used to, "You've got to be hormonal."
"Nope," Chloe grinned again pulled her uneaten quiche back to her, "not at all… so spill it. What's going on with you?"
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The town sucked. It was miles and miles of flat, and just when you thought the scenery might change, it was flat again. Nothing like she's seen in the brochures that talked of bliss and unmatched happiness. Talk about false advertisement. This place is like nothing she's ever seen and it's not like any other place she's been to. The architecture is bland, blending into the background without distinction or uniqueness, the air is so dry she immediately felt parched when she woke and she wonders if this morning is going to be just as rough as yesterday was with Thomas. Knows it will be.
She jumped at the light tapping on the door and she moved immediately to it, not wanting her son to wake up any sooner then he had to. She didn't want to hear his pleas for his father any sooner than she had to. She stood on his tip toes and squinted into the dirty peep-hole and exhaled in relief, he was just in time.
Alex didn't care what she looked like, didn't care about her blood-shot eyes or slightly uncombed hair, all she cared about was what the man on the other side of the door had to offer her. She opened the door and smiled weekly at the stalky, partially bald, green eye suit. "Thank you for coming."
His smile was warm and compassionate, "You sounded horrible on the phone, Ms. Cabbot. I thought I should get to you as soon as possible."
She nodded, bowed her head and moved to the side as she waved him into the shabby motel with her arm. "Please, my son is asleep."
"Son?" His brows shot up to his non-existent hairline and he turned to Alex with a much more pleasant smile, "A son?"
Alex grinned and nodded, "Yeah… haven't seen you in-"
"Since the program," he nodded knowingly and sat at the tiny table with mismatched chairs. "I've got to tell you Ms. Cabbot, it would have been easier if you returned to California to do this, I mean this state, really isn't you-"
"Either was California," Alex muttered and took a seat on the foot of the bed careful not to jostle too much and risk waking her son. "Look… you killed me in New York, you got me clear across country and I was safe and I did well-"
He exhaled and leaned back in the chair, "I killed you in New York because that's what they asked me to do. It was my job-"
"It's still your job," Alex reminded him. "Right? The program? It's still what you do?"
"Yes, it is. But Ms. Cabbot, your threat was removed years ago… you've returned back to New York," he chuckled and motioned to her son, then her wedding ring she still can't take off, "you obviously have a family… Someone who loves you-"
Alex stood and removed an envelope, tossed it carelessly onto the table top and reclaimed her position on the bed, "I'm assuming that's at least a few months of your wages from the FBI… I'll get you more once I can land a job."
The agent picked up the envelope and peered into it's contents, "No matter how much money you give me… I can't place you in the program again Ms. Cabbott… it's not possible, there is no threat to your life there is no way I can hide you in a system like that. It's too much paperwork-"
"I'm not asking for you to hide me in the system."
The agent's brows furrowed and he held the envelope between them, "Then what are you asking for Ms. Cabbott?"
Alex looked at her son who slept peacfuly buried under the covers of the bed. She looked back at the man she'd called only days ago and who'd met her immediately, "I don't want to go into the program. I just need a new identity… I need you to kill me again."
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"The only way to go is up," Frankie shook his head as he and Elliot looked over the plans that Olivia wanted for the expansion of their home.
"Up?" Elliot took a deep breath and looked at his children all rough-housing in the living-room. "Frankie, I don't know. Stairs? We've got toddlers and a new baby… that sounds like an accident waiting to happen."
Frankie ran his fingers over the stubble of his cheek, "Well… if we expand on the sides of the house you run into property line issues and if we expand at the back you'll cut off a fair portion of your back yard and I'm just guessing with all of these kids it's not an option."
Elliot chuckled, "You makin' fun of me, Frankie?"
"Just sayin'," Frankie smiled wide, "I seem to remember you in your younger days before the NYPD got a hold of you… you were a wild little bastard."
Elliot smirked, "Kids are awesome."
"Yep," Frankie chuckled, "Just so long as you can give'em back to their parents at the end of the day."
"No," Elliot peered back at his kids, watched as Hannah and Solomon ganged up on their older brother and Isaac cheered them on to crush him, not realizing that Donovan was sneaking up to swoop him into the action, Matthew hot on Donovan's heels, "No… Olivia and these guys… Frankie, you've got no idea what life is about until the woman you love tells you you're gonna be a father."
"Or that she wants a divorce," he deadpanned.
Elliot laughed and shook his head, "Such the cynic… Frankie?"
"Yeah?" He replied still focused on measurements of the makeshift plans in front of him.
"When I was working for you… I didn't know much-"
"Still don't," the older man teased, "But… you've got a great family here, Elliot. As much shit as I give you for it, it really is a great family and you're wife has a calming affect on you… never saw that coming from you and your different woman every week."
Elliot shook his head, "Whatever old man… what's the deal? How are we pulling this off?"
"Well," Frankie exhaled, "I still say that building up is your best bet, but if you don't mind cutting into your back yard space then we can build out too… but there is a more basic option-"
"Really?" Elliot was suddenly intrigued. "What?"
Frankie smirked, "Stop having kids!"
Elliot took a breath, understood that his old boss was simply playing with him. Teasing. "Abel is our last one," he said, trying to sound as bright as possible. Finding it a difficult task.
"Well, okay," Frankie nodded with a laugh, "Good thing we've got that under control… so we're keeping the older boys in the room we did last time?"
"Yeah," Elliot nodded, "it's pretty big. Shouldn't be a problem."
"Not until they start bringing girls home," Frankie teased.
Elliot's eyes bulged. His boys bringing home girls? Holy! The only thing worse than that was… Hannah… bringing home… a boy. "It'll be okay," Elliot said, his voice dry. He picked up his lukewarm bottle of water and took the largest swig he could before placing it back on the counter.
"We can start today, you know? Start measurements and digging for the foundation."
Elliot was still wondering what Hannah's first boyfriend was going to look like, "What? Hmm? No. No, um… I'd like you to start on Friday, work a bit over the weekend and yes, I'll pay the weekend fee-"
"Don't worry about it, we're all friends here," Frankie laughed, "Any particular reason why though?"
Elliot smiled softly, "I just want to spend some time with my wife."
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"I'm sure there are women who have felt the same way you're feeling right now, Olivia," Chloe assured her. "I mean, I'm pretty sure you're not sharing everything with me, but I'm smart enough to realize that taking Abel into your home was probably not the easiest thing you've ever done."
Olivia took a deep breath of the cool air and slowly let it out, "It's probably the scariest thing I've faced… I'm afraid, Chloe."
Chloe took a sip of her coffee and swallowed as she assessed Olivia, "Scared of the baby or scared of the toll it might have on your marriage?"
Olivia smirked, "Stupid you are not," she said softly and motioned to her coffee. "You're not supposed to be drinking that."
"It's decaf… disgusting really, but lets get back to the subject. Which are you afraid of? Because if it's the toll its gonna take on your marriage, maybe you should look at Elliot when he holds Abel… that boy is his regardless of what anyone else has to say or may feel about it Olivia… including you."
Olivia considered this as another group of people took their seats just behind their table, bumping her slightly but never taking her thoughts from her. Elliot got up almost immediately when Abel cried, just as he'd done with the other kids, he bathed him, fed him, diapered the young boy and when he thought she wasn't around he sang to him. In every regard, Elliot was Abel's father and Abel brought Elliot comfort and joy and happiness.
Abel was a silver lining. Elliot's silver lining. But the question would now be, could Abel become Olivia's as well?
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"Kill you again?" The agent clarified. "You want me to kill you again?"
"Yes," she nodded, "and my son. I can't ever be found. I can't be traced, I need everything new."
He took a breath, pinched the bridge of his nose, "Well you certainly picked a state that is the complete opposite of New York and California. I'm sure no one will look for you in this hell hole."
Alex smirked, "Whole reason I picked it."
The agent rubbed the back of his neck, "I can loose my job."
"I can loose my son."
He licked his lips, worried his lower one and nodded to himself, "Okay. Okay, consider it done. I'll have the new you in twenty-four hours. I'll slip it under your door. As for my payment…" he stood to his feet and jutted his chin to the sleeping boy, "keep the second half Ms. Cabbott, being a single mom in this state is gonna be a bitch."
She smirked again and stood to escort him, "If I need anything else?"
He arched his brow in seriousness, "I'm putting my ass on the line here. If you need anything else… don't call me. Ever again."
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"Hey, Sam!" Olivia called into the house, "I have someone here to talk with you!"
Sam grinned already knowing who it would be, "Donovan told me," he blushed and made his way to the sound of his mother's voice, his arm extended to meet Chloe.
"Wow, you've grown!" Chloe grinned, "It's been forever!" she teased and hugged Sam tightly as Matthew sprinted to her yelling for her in complete happiness that she was back.
"Grown?" Sam chuckled and caught her scent, she smelled of citrus and he felt almost awkward because, for the first time, he realized that her breasts were smashed against his chest. He immediately shifted although she didn't seem to catch onto his awkward stance and simply held him tighter.
"Yes grown. You're a giant!" she teased and kissed his cheek, "A big ole good lookin' giant!"
He blushed a furious red and ducked his face, "you were just here for a bar-b-que, Chloe… I couldn't have grown that much."
"Sissy!" Matthew chuckled and pulled at her tee shirt, "Sissy! I got to wrestle and be a big boy!"
"Wrestle?" Olivia arched her brow playfully and peered at her boys who were currently plastering on their best innocent faces.
"Yeah!" Hannah laughed, "I winded all'em!"
"Oh yeah?" Olivia teased they all made their way into the living room. "Who let you wrestle?"
Solomon's mouth fell open, "Uh oh. Bushted."
Olivia grinned and lowered herself to the carpeted floor, "And why does it smell like pizza? It's still morning."
"What?" Sam furrowed his brow and pushed the button to his watch which told him it was just after noon, "Wow, mom… what did you do today because you are way off!" he joked sat on the couch with his little sister who promptly crawled into his lap and rest her back against his chest.
"Your mother," Chloe smiled and kneeled slowly to the floor, "Bought out every store in New York!"
Olivia gladly accepted Solomon into her lap and held him tightly against her, "Chloe is being imaginative."
"No I'm not," she said and promptly tickled Matthew who laughed happily against his sister, "I'm serious. There must be fifty bags in the car!"
Donovan's booming laugh came from the kitchen and he appeared at the threshold of the kitchen and living room with a slice of pizza hanging over his mouth as he attempted a bite. "Fifty, huh?" he mumbled around the pizza, "That's pretty good considering there are two of you."
Olivia rolled her eyes playfully but smiled when she caught Chloe absently kiss Matthew's head as she kept her gaze on Donovan who simply smiled back at her.
Isaac, not liking the lull in conversations, promptly stepped in, "Uncle Donovan got us pizza and ice cream and gummy bears and-"
"Woaw!" Donovan warned with a smile, "Are you crazy little dude? You're mother will kill me if you give her the whole list!"
Olivia's eyes bulged, "Whole list?"
Donovan took another bite of the pizza and chuckled, "Relax, I'll give'em some broccoli for dinner to make up for it."
"Wha!" Isaac bawked and looked up at him, "But, you said we could have-"
Donovan promptly covered the young boys mouth with his free hand and smiled at the two women who clearly were not entertained by the choice foods, "All I said was broccoli."
"And Snickers," Sam sold him out with a small smile, "you also said Snickers."
Donovan smiled and looked at Sam, "Dude, that's one less slice for you."
Olivia laughed and she enjoyed this small moment of teasing and friendliness in the light of the last few days, "Can someone please tell me where my husband is?"
"I do believe he's getting me and Chloe a diaper bag ready for tonight."
Olivia furrowed her brow and looked at Chloe then to Donovon, "Diaper bag?"
"Yeah," Sam chimed in and kissed the top of Hannah's head as he rubbed her belly softly, "Dad said that we get to go to bowling with Chloe and Donovan, and Donovan said that we get to eat a lot and that when our stomachs hurt he'll take us home and we'll barf in our beds and you'll have to clean-"
"Dude!" Donovan groaned, "You're killin' me!"
"You're taking the kids?" Olivia questioned Chloe.
"Yep," she smiled and nodded her head toward the hall, "Go talk to your husband."
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He was in his best slacks, a white button down shirt and her favorite tie hung around his neck as he brushed his teeth. He'd looked up as soon as she called his name and he smiled at her in the mirror. "Hey hottie."
Her brow arched in a gentle warning even as she closed the distance between them and wrapped her arm around his waist, rest her forehead against the flat plane of his shoulder, "The kids say they had a lot of fun and that they're going bowling... do you think that's a good idea?"
He was in the process of wiping his mouth and discarding the towel to the side before he turned around and held her at her waist, looked down at her and smiled softly, "I think that any day you and I can be alone for awhile is a great idea, yes."
She chuckled softly and he treasured it as she held him tighter around his waist. It felt so good to have her hands on him even if it wasn't as confident as it typically was. It felt good to have his wife this close to him, to smell her body wash, her shampoo, to feel the heat of her body through his shirt. It felt amazing and if it hadn't have been for her current lack of confidence he'd have taken her right there against the wall over and over again until she begged him for rest. For breath.
Instead, he kissed her gently on her cheek, "You're not just a hottie Olivia, you're a gorgeous hottie," he whispered and kissed the corner of her mouth. "Why is bowling a bad idea?" he asked as he pulled away to refocus on her face and cupped her cheek.
She leaned into his palm, "The monsters aren't gonna be able to play, they'll get restless and-"
"Chloe and Donovan asked me to trust them… we've got to give'em a shot, Liv and I'm sure if they get restless they'll know what to do. Relax, huh? Just relax and go out with ,me tonight. Just you and me. Let's go out and forget about all the stress and all the junk that has piled up on us. Let's just go out, Liv."
She licked her lip, chewed her bottom one and bowed her head and obvious distress slamming into her features, "Y-you said that… you made me an appointment."
He tipped her chin up and took in the worry that swam in her eyes, "I put a dress out for you on the bed and a change of clothes in the car for you… I want you to go in there tonight, Liv with something happy in your heart," he said softly and tenderly placed his fingertips over her heart. "You've got to face this thing baby and I want to go out with you right now, just you and me so you can walk in there with at least one happy memory from the past few weeks… I want you to walk in there with me in your heart," he whispered and rested his lips against her ear, "Can you do that?"
She took in a steady breath and peered up at him, "You put a dress out for me?"
He smirked, "Strapy heels, too."
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"You look pissed, Casey."
Casey leaned against the counter of the kitchen, her arms crossed angrily over her chest, "I swear, if I ever get my hands on Alex I'm going cut her arm off and smack her with it."
Paul pulled a loaf of bread off of the refrigerator and placed the squares of wheat on the countertop, "I thought you found her. What happened?"
"I did find her," she grumbled and shifted her weight to one leg, "I found her exact location and she split."
"Her exact location?" he asked with a raised brow as he spread mayonnaise on a slice and promptly covered it with crisp lettuce.
She squinted her eyes as him and the corner of her mouth lifted just slightly, "Well, her exact location… or thereabouts."
"Casey," he scolded as he stacked the bread with meat.
"Well, I at least got the state she was in! And I even got the address of her motel, but then she decides to just split? What the hell is her problem?" she demanded.
"Swiss or Jack?"
Her head snapped to face him, "W-what?"
"Swiss or Jack?" he shrugged.
"Are you listening to me?" she demanded anxiously, "I'm telling you that I'm concerned about Alex and-"
"That's not what you told me," he told her and placed a slice of Jack cheese on her sandwich before covering it with a slice of bread, "What you told me is that if you find her you're gonna rip her apart."
"Right," Casey confirmed, "and?"
"Well," Paul pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose before placing her sandwich on a plate and sliding it to her, "all I'm saying is that if I knew that people were looking for me solely to tell me what a rotten person I was… I'd make sure I stayed hidden."
Casey puffed out her cheeks in frustration, "You know that's not why I'm looking for her."
He smiled softly and started to prepare his own sandwich, "I know Case, but… say you did find her again… what will you say to her?"
Casey's eyes bulged, "I'd tell her what an idiot she's being and she needs to get her ass back to the city."
He looked at her for long seconds, "Don't you think she knows that? Did you guys ever think that she might have bailed because deep down… she didn't think we'd come through for her? I mean, maybe she thinks that whatever she did doesn't deserve forgiveness."
"It doesn't!" Casey said emphatically.
His hands stopped moving and he forgot about making his meal but turned to face her, "And you want to find her so you can tell her that?" he asked in disbelief, "Remind me again why she's your friend?"
"Paul!" Casey shrieked, "Don't be like that!"
"Like what?" he shrugged, "All I'm saying is that you aren't sure where you stand with her and that's dangerous since she doesn't know where she stands with you."
Casey's brows furrowed, "How the hell do you know that's what she thinks?"
"Casey," Paul said tenderly and took a step closer to her, "she left town. She took her son and left her husband and avoided you and Olivia like the plague… my guess is that whatever has happened, she's condemned herself in such away that you storming in and telling her she's wrong, isn't gonna help or motivate her to come back."
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He smelled so good. Elliot's cheek had been pressed against hers as he swayed gently with her in the corner of a small pub in the middle of the afternoon. At max, there were three other people in the pub with them, all occupied with whatever sport was being broadcasted on the television at that moment.
The beard of his cheek scraped against the soft skin of her face and caused her to smile as his fingertips dug gently into the small of her back, holding her as close as possible to himself. She'd noticed as he climbed into the truck on their way out that he'd been stiff, his knee had cracked and ground and his back seemed to bother him just as much yet here, in a pub they'd never stepped foot in before, he held her and swayed with her confidently, his lips pressing against her temple whenever he felt the need or desire to do so.
He felt her breasts mesh against his chest, felt the perfect round shape of her form through the fabric of her free flowing dress and he still couldn't understand her dissatisfaction with herself. He couldn't understand it because her hips were pulled tight into his body and he felt her abdomen brush against his with each breath she breathed in and the feeling was instant electricity throughout his body. And the only thing more sexy than that was feeling the exhalation of the same breath glide across his neck as her fingers hooked around the same column and held him close.
"You didn't have to do this," she murmured into his suit jacket.
"I told you," he said just as softly, "I wanted you to have at least one happy memory from the last few weeks."
"I've got memories, El. I do," she said and pulled back to smile sweetly at him. "You didn't have to get dressed-up for me."
He grinned and his large warm hand rested on the slope of her backside, "I suppose I could have done better than forcing you into this dress and then taking you to a pub huh?"
Her smile was small and full of understanding and warmth and all of the things she didn't think she was capable of at this precise moment, "I'm willing to bet you're changing the subject," she said softly and cupped his cheek with her hand.
He reached up with his own hand and covered the soft skin of her hand over his cheek, kissed her palm gently and lowered it between the two of them before he smiled and chuckled lightly, "And I'm willing to bet those memories are all of the kids… I want one of just you and me. Just us, Liv. I want it to be happy and in the front of your mind when you go in there this evening."
Her face darkened just slightly as the speakers announced another mild song that encouraged them to step even closer to one another so that they were joined from top to bottom, not an inch of space left. "I'm… I'm not going."
He ducked his head and pressed his lips against her, sipped so softly from her top lip that she'd surprised herself by getting closer to him, pressing her lips against his more solidly and because curiosity got the best of her, she opened her eyes as he kissed her and she instantly smiled against his mouth a small chuckle arising from nowhere.
"What?" he asked in mild shock, "What's so funny?"
"Nothing," she whispered sincerely, "Nothing at all. Thank you."
His brow arched, "You know? I love you with everything I've got," he smiled in mirth, "but man, you've got to be the most confusing woman right now."
She smiled at his teasing, was thankful he was teasing and here with her to do so. She was thankful that as much as she said she wasn't going to this session that she so badly needed, he wasn't moving a muscle from his stance. She was going no matter how much she said she wasn't.
And she was abundantly thankful.
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"You sound pooped," Sam chuckled as he leaned over Donovan's shoulder as he plugged in information for game two of their bowling session.
Donovan tried to stifle a yawn and failed miserably, "Nope, not at all, man."
"Yeah right," Sam laughed even more, "You sound like Dad when he has all of us for too long."
Donovan reached behind him and tugged at Sam playfully to get him around the seat and sitting next to him, "What? You think Chloe and I can't handle you guys?"
Sam grinned, "Just saying, you sound pooped and Abel is sleeping. You're lucky. Sometimes he cries for a long time."
Donovan pulled him playfully into him and kissed the crown of his head, "Want me to tell you what's going on right now?"
Sam smiled bashfully, his curiosity taking over, "Please," he nodded quietly.
"You know?" Donovan started, "It's okay to ask Chloe or I what's happening… you don't have to be shy or afraid about it."
Sam swallowed and pursed his lips, "I'm not afraid."
"Then… why do you never ask anyone what's happening?"
"That's not true," Sam said quietly.
"Yes… Sam I've noticed it and I just want you to know that it's okay to ask."
Sam took a slow and deep breath, "You won't laugh at me?"
Donovan furrowed his brows at Sam and caught Chloe, out of his peripheral, leading Solomon to the line to roll his ball down the ramp designed for kids. "Sam… why would I laugh at you?"
Sam squirmed in his seat and shrugged, "Don't know… the guys at school laugh at me sometimes, you know? Like, if I hear a bunch of people laughing and I ask what's happening… they just sort of laugh."
Enraged, Donovan bit the inside of his check, "Their bastards, Sam. You understand me? You don't need those pieces of crap, kids."
Sam's brows arched just slightly, "Um… if you get me an ice cream, I won't tell my mom you just said that."
Donovan smiled and pulled the boy back to him and a warm embrace, "I'll get you whatever you want… Chloe just helped Solomon push his second ball down the lane, it's running pretty slow, going a little to the right-no wait- it just bounced off the bumper and it's… ooh, he knocked down three pins."
Sam clutched Donovan's hand and anxiously asked, "What's his face look like? What's my brother's face look like?"
Donovan grinned, "He's a happy little dude, his mouth is wide open in a grin and he's looking up at Chloe and laughing."
"What's Hannah doing?" Sam asked eagerly, "What's she doing? Did she see it?"
Donovan shook his head, "No, she's asleep on the chairs drooling everywhere."
"What about Isaac and Matthew?"
"They're pulling on Chloe's shirt and begging her for their turn."
Sam grinned and then chuckled, "My mom… she would have liked to see this."
Donovan nodded, "I think your mom is getting some things settled."
"Yeah," Sam nodded, "I heard her and dad fighting… they think I don't hear things but they still haven't figured out that I hear most things… especially the things they don't want me to hear, like for instance they're thinking about my punishment being no allowance for a month, do you know what that's gonna do to my finances?"
Donovan arched his brow and grinned, "What else do you hear?"
Sam's teasing subsided and he exhaled, "Dad says mom has to beat things to heal up and be better… I think she's really scared."
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"Are you nervous?" Elliot asked casually as he passed a Styrofoam cup of coffee across the expanse of the truck to his wife.
She exhaled as she accepted the warm liquid and looked out the window of their parked truck at the seemingly typical New York building that housed only one office that Olivia would be concerned with, the one that would play host to women that Olivia shared a bond with… no matter how much she begged God otherwise.
"Liv-"
"What!" she snapped, her hand dropping against the arm rest of the door with more force than she was going for.
His brows arched and he turned to face the front, bowing his head and starring down at his cup of coffee. These mood swings were killing him. Maybe she was right, maybe he should have never gone snooping into her past. Maybe he should have…What? Let her be a woman who was hiding behind a shield? Let her be a woman who never grew? Who never knew life for what it really was? If he'd allowed that, allowed her to be stagnant then he could never really say that he loved her. If you love someone, aren't you supposed to help them become everything that they are supposed to be?
"I'm sorry," she whispered, her own head bowed and shaking in astonishment of her own behavior.
His brows furrowed and he nodded slowly, "I know," he muttered before taking a sip of the coffee and exhaling, his head stretching back and resting on the headrest. "I know."
She groaned in frustration and sloppily placed her coffee in the cup holder and threw her head back against her own head rest, "I don't want you to be angry with me, but… I don't think I even have the right to ask you that anymore."
He didn't have to look to find her hand with his hand, but as soon as his fingers touched hers, he gave her a tight squeeze, "I'm not upset, but… do you know what you're doing to me? Do you know… how much it hurts to be on the receiving end of something I didn't do to you?"
She cringed and turned her body to face him better, "I-I'm sorry. I…I don't know what to say to that. I don't… this isn't what I wanted for us."
The corner of his mouth turned up and he turned in his own seat to look at her, "What did you want for us?"
"What?"
"You said you wanted something that wasn't this… what was it? What did you want for us?"
Her smile was small but her eyes were suddenly bright, "Honestly? Well, before you asked me to marry you… I don't know. I think I just thought… I thought we'd just be together. Not married, but just together."
He was immediately concerned. "You don't want to be married to me?"
"What?" her brows furrowed and she looked at him with confusion, "What? Are you kidding me?"
"You just-"
In a moment, it dawned on her how he'd taken it and she held his hand with both of hers, "I love you. I love being married to you. I love everything about us...I just never expected that I'd be good enough for you to want to marry me, and I never expected kids… but… I love that they both happened. I love being your wife and I love being a mom. I just…" her eyes lowered and she stopped talking.
"Just what?" he prodded softly.
She shrugged her shoulder slowly and shame flooded her features, "I just… I'm not very good at either of them."
"You've never felt sorry for yourself… why now?"
Her brows met her hairline and lowered in hot, sudden anger, "Oh. Fuck you, Elliot."
His hand slammed against the steering wheel of the truck and his neck bulged in anger as his face reddened, "STOP IT!" he shouted, "Just stop! You don't get to sit here and be someone you're not! This isn't you!" he yelled and slammed his hand on the steering wheel again, groaning as his damaged hand fired messages to his brain that it wouldn't handle his rage. "I asked you a simple question because I was worried about you and you snapped my head off! Are you kidding me? This isn't you! It's not us! STOP!" he hollered and when his eyes found hers they were hot with unshed tears. "Just stop," his voice cracked and he sniffed as he scrubbed his hand over his face.
"El-"
"I just wanted to know if you were nervous because you were picking at the hem of your shirt like you were gonna rip it apart… and instead you ripped me apart… I can't take this, Olivia."
She swallowed and bit her bottom lip, "If I tell you I'm sorry… does it hold water anymore?"
His smile was tight but there was a hint of laughter in his eyes, "You know it always does…I just… Olivia, if this is pay back for my behavior in the hospital… you win. I get it now I just… I can't sit by and watch you destroy yourself. You can't ask me to do that."
Several seconds of silence past between the two of them and she finally pulled herself together, "I'm not nervous that I have to do this," she whispered and her chin began to quiver as her face crumbled into devastation, "I'm ashamed."
He placed his own coffee into the holder next to hers and reached across to pull her close to him and when she resisted he held on tighter and pulled her harder until she was right next to him, his lips pressed against her temple, "You have nothing to be ashamed of, Olivia. Nothing," he assured her and kissed her hair, took in her scent and let silence take hold for just a moment longer.
She pressed into him, drawing from his strength. Truly, she was sorry for the mess that she'd become but she didn't know if she could go into this place and deal with her own demons. Finally. She didn't know if she could because she didn't know if she was strong enough and if she failed at this, she knew that eventually she would take a toll on her marriage and it would be lost.
"Why do you feel ashamed?" he whispered gently, "Would you have ever let a victim feel this way? I watched you for years Olivia and… you never let them believe that they should accept the shame… why should you?"
She wiped quickly under her eyes with her fingers and she sniffled, "I… I don't have anything to hide behind. I… Elliot, all those years as a cop… I was hiding. I was hiding from this…I was" she sniffled, "I was watching the victims heal and face their attackers and I thought that…I thought I could heal through them…I thought I was okay, but-"
"But you lost your job and fell apart?" he teased tenderly, "I'm not sure I buy that."
"Don't be that way, please?"
"I'm sorry," he nodded, "I think what I hear you saying though is that you tried to heal through someone else and… it didn't work."
She nodded in agreement and reached to her coffee, took a small sip and leaned into his embrace again, "I thought… I thought Vivian's would be good for me."
"It has been," he assured her. "It has been, I've seen you change and grow and… well, this is complex, Olivia… the emotions attached to everything are huge and… of course it was gonna get messy."
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He still felt the need to tease, only because this was entirely too heavy a subject matter to deal with without teasing, "The'ah door won't actually open without you turning the knob, Liv."
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck. You! She scrubbed both hands over her face and took a deep breath, "I can't do this."
He was behind her immediately, blocking her from retreating and soothing her into reality with his voice, "You can do it, Liv. I'm right here. I'll be right here waiting for you."
She reached out and he felt his heart soar with pride as her hand touched the silver of the door knob that he knew would ultimately lead her into a fuller happiness that he could never give her and just as quickly as it had soared, it plummeted when her hand sharply withdrew and she shook her head, "I- I have to go to the gym and get the books done," she sputtered and turned to leave.
His hand closed around her tricep and she turned around to glare at him, "You let me go you sonovabitch!" she hissed.
His jaw flexed in anger of her biting remark but he held himself in check and loosened his grip, "I'm sorry, Liv-"
"You should b-"
"But," he cut her off with a small smirk as he opened the door with his hand, "you don't have a choice but to go and I don't have a choice but to make you," he said and tugged her close enough to give her a gentle push into the room.
Into the right direction.
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Stop starring at me. Stop starring at me. Stop starring at me. STOP STARRING AT ME DAMNIT! Olivia stood frozen, Elliot behind the door that was behind her, and five women who had all looked up to see who'd walked into the room in front of her.
To stare at the woman who walked into the room. Her. She may vomit.
She wondered momentarily as she flexed her sweaty palms and at her sides what would happen if they asked her her name? Would she get as far as the first syllable and then vomit all over the pale blue shirt that Elliot had packed for her? Would it soak into the jeans that hung low on her lips, the jeans that were his favorite?
She inhaled and gave a short, tight smile before dipping her head quickly as a hello and finding the first available seat. Why aren't you people saying anything! Why are you all just looking at me like that! Damnit! Say something! I'm gonna vomit! And then it hit her, It must be written on my shirt. It must say that my brother raped me. That's why they're starring! I have to get this shirt off. Off. Off. Off. She tugged frantically at hem and wondered if they would fifty-one-fifty her for suddenly stripping her shirt off and sitting down to talk about her rape and her feelings and all of the other shit her life has become in her lacey tan bra.
"Hi," a young blond finally smiled at her and as much as Olivia wanted to look at her and read her features and try to know the young woman's story, she couldn't bring herself to make eye-contact.
"H-Hi," Olivia managed.
"I'm Ashley," the young girl announced and Olivia couldn't get over the confidence that exuded from her voice. "And this," Ashley pointed to the fifty-ish woman to her left, "is Janice and that's Kat," she finished, with a nod to the last woman who seemed to be the epitome of business tycoon. Maybe Wall-Street.
Olivia nodded awkwardly and shifted in her seat, "I'm Shenice," a raspy voice cut in and Olivia couldn't help but think of sandpaper when she heard the woman's voice. In fact, it'd been so gravely that she couldn't help but finally lift her head to see a beautiful black woman with surprisingly soft green eyes and a perfect smile. She was obviously one of those women who could walk into a room and have every eye on the in a matter of a second.
Olivia had scanned her so quickly, so awkwardly as to not make eye contact that she almost missed the glaring scar that stretched from one side of the woman's neck to the other. The reason for her voice yet the woman made no effort to hide it.
"And this," Shenice's gravely and seemingly painful voice continued yet Olivia detected a hint of happiness in it as she pointed to the last woman in the bunch and smiled, "is our fearless leader, Deborah."
Deborah's smile was inviting but not so much that Olivia could manage to hold her head up. "It's good to have you here," Deborah said warmly, "Do you feel comfortable enough to share your name with us?"
Olivia's head snapped to attention at the request and she felt her stomach contract and before she knew it, she'd forced herself to swallow the vomit that suddenly announced itself in the back of her neck. Her eyes were wide as she stared at the women and all she could manage to do was whisper, "No."
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His coffee was ice cold now as he sat in the truck waiting for his wife to walk out of the building. He wondered what she would look like when she walked out. Would she have that look on her face that told him she'd just figured something out? Would she have that look of victory or would she be crushed even more so?
I'm killing my wife. He closed his eyes at the thought and he remembered the first time he saw her. He tried so hard to analyze that memory, to see if it was true, to see if she was hiding behind her badge and trying to heal through their victims.
He remembered how hard she projected herself to be. Remembered how determined she was to solve every case and fight for every victim. Realized, in the confines of his customized truck, that she was fighting for her own healing and the fact that she could never find it through solving cases had somehow warped her into a somewhat insane-super-cop.
He scrubbed his hand over her eyes, fighting tears, I missed it. A sob escaped his throat and he lowered his forehead to the steering wheel thumping it against the grip of the wheel, crying out loud.
"God help me," he sobbed, "I can't handle this anymore."
He gripped the steering wheel with both hands and felt the blood drain from his hands as his knuckles turned white with the pressure and his damaged hand begged for release that he couldn't give. He yelled there in the privacy of his vehicle and he'd yelled so loud the sound of his voice had slammed ruthlessly back against his ear drums and for some reason this enraged him all the more. This combined with her mood swings, her fuck you's and her hot and cold touch-me-not attitude brought him to the edge and he exploded.
Yet, his explosion was not the typical explosion that comes from Elliot's fury, instead he exploded into sloppy hot tears as he sobbed uncontrollably and with such force that he found himself hugging his own body, his hand throbbing and swelling, his eyes burning. He'd been so wrapped up in himself, in his tears and snot and ache that he neglected to comprehend the loud tapping on his window.
He wished he would have at least attempted to wipe his face before looking up at the cause of the tapping, because when he did look up, he saw Olivia looking back at him.