Bonnie Sveen Fan, thank you for your review. i'm glad you liked the chapter, even though it was sad. Ethan really does need Cal at the moment and I think Cal's completely forgiven him for stealing Alicia from him.
Tanith Panic, I don't think you can have too many scenes where Cal comforts Ethan, especially now when it's more common to write scenes where Ethan comforts Cal! I'm so glad you liked this one. Maybe Alicia gets the final say, but she definitely should have talked to Ethan first. Thank you for your review.
"Are you sure you're ready?" asked Louise gently.
Alicia knew the answer was no. She would never be ready. She had no idea what the othersknew; no idea what they'd guessed. The official line was that Alicia had lost the baby and she and Ethan had split, but Alicia was sure that if that was all they knew, there would have been many more attempts to persuade the two to work things out and get back together.
But there had been very little of that. Very little of anything. Connie had asked everyone to avoid matchmaking and to give Alicia and Ethan the privacy they needed to recover from their loss and perhaps that was what they were doing. But Alicia couldn't help thinking and feeling that they knew; that they had somehow guessed; that Ethan had told them the truth because he needed people around him who cared and didn't want the entire burden to fall on Cal.
Alicia got out of the car slowly She felt leaden; she couldn't imagine moving quickly enough to save someone's life. As they walked towards the ED, she heard voices; the thump of a basketball in the ambulance station, but she couldn't see Iain or Jez and she was glad. If they saw Alicia, they would have the choice of speaking to her or ignoring her and Alicia was too afraid of the latter even to hope for the former.
They walked through the doors. Alicia cast a glance at the crowded waiting room. It was a sight that had once been very familiar to her, but it seemed a long time since she had last treated a patient and she wasn't sure she could remember how.
They wouldn't know what Alicia had done, but Alicia was sure her crime would be etched on her forehead for all to see; that every patient would be filled with fear and loathing. They would hesitate to put their lives in Alicia's hands and she wouldn't blame them. She couldn't even be trusted with her own child.
She felt Louise gently rubbing her arm. "You don't have to do this, babe. If you're not ready, we'll go home."
Alicia shook her head, but she wasn't sure if she was saying that she was ready or she wasn't.
Connie was standing by reception and Alicia knew immediately that she was waiting for her. She tried to face the clinical lead bravely but couldn't meet her eyes. She began to tremble and Louise put her arm around her.
"Alicia, it's good to see you back," said Connie quietly. "How are you feeling?"
"I… don't know…" Alicia's eyes filled with tears.
"That's understandable," said Connie. "If ever you feel it's too much for you, Alicia, you're free to go home at any time. You've been through a lot, physically and emotionally, and I don't want you to put too much pressure on yourself. It's a long recovery process and there are no short cuts. You'll be working with Dr Chao today: I'm sure Lily will help you to ease in gently."
Alicia hoped she could be forgiven for feeling rather doubtful. Lily had surprised her with her kindness and generosity over the past few weeks, visiting Alicia every few days to see how she was and ask whether she needed anything, but the two doctors did not usually work well together and Alicia wasn't sure she could cope with the strain. "Is Lily really happy doing that?" she asked, and she almost didn't recognise the soft, helpless sound of her voice.
"It was her idea," said Connie. "But she said she understood if you preferred to work with someone else. She's changed a lot, Alicia. As you know, she's always been an excellent doctor, but she's lacked encouragement and support. Her relationship with Archie Grayling has made a real difference to her. He's given her the confidence to show the gentler side of her personality whilst still allowing her to be herself."
Alicia was fairly sure Connie wasn't intending to rebuke her, but she couldn't help remembering the time when she and Lily had first worked together, as mentor and mentee. She'd been so sure that underneath the hard exterior lay a shy girl who needed Alicia to bring her out of herself. And to an extent, she'd been right, but she should never have tried to force Lily into doing things she wasn't comfortable with.
I always thought I was a good people person, thought Alicia. I thought I was understanding. Helpful. But I put Lily under stress and broke Ethan's heart. And Cal's too. And then I killed my baby…
"Okay," said Alicia softly as she tried to blink away more tears. "I'll work with Lily."
"I'm glad," said Connie. "And remember, Alicia, I'm here if you need anything."
The staff room was deserted. Alicia was glad to reach his sanctuary. She and Louise had seen a number of people they on the way: Noel, Dylan, Jacob. Alicia had frequently socialised with Noel and Jacob, but to her great surprise, it was Dylan who was the kindest. Noel's: "So, you're back then. Great," had seemed to lack enthusiasm and the hard look Jacob had given her had wilted Alicia on the spot. Only Louise's arm around her and her tart: "You can say hello, you know, Jacob," had prevented Alicia from sinking to the floor in despair.
Dylan had merely nodded and said a simple: "Dr Munroe. Nurse Tyler," but his voice was gentle for Dylan and when she'd raised her eyes to meet his, she'd seen no judgement there. He hadn't looked or sounded sympathetic, but Alicia knew at once that he was prepared to work with her and that nothing that had happened would affect their working relationship. She was flooded with gratitude but also with guilt for the unkind things she'd said, both to Dylan's face and behind his back, but there was nothing she could do to change that now other than ensure it didn't happen again.
Alicia and Louise got changed quickly and in silence. It made a change from the days where they had chattered and laughed loudly, gossiping about whatever came into their heads. To Alicia, the day seemed dark yet empty; endless. It felt wrong for her to be here: she had no right to save a life and be regarded as a heroine.
"Are you okay?" asked Louise.
Alicia nodded wordlessly. She wasn't okay. She wasn't ready to go back to work. But she didn't see what else she could do.
"Let me know when you're ready to go," said Louise. "It doesn't matter how long it takes."
Alicia leaned against the locker for a moment, her eyes closed. Even with Louise there, she was terrified. Ethan wasn't working today so there was no chance of seeing him, but eventually she would. She would have to see him and talk to him and work with him.
And see the hatred in his eyes.
What am I doing here?
She didn't know whether to feel relieved or not when Lily entered the staff room. "Alicia. It is good to see you back. As Mrs Beauchamp has probably told you, you will be working with me today, but you may do as much or as little as you like. I know it might take time to adjust and I know I'm not easy to work with, but I will do my best not to put pressure on you. And of course you may leave at any time if you need to."
Alicia felt so grateful, she could have wept, but she didn't because she was afraid Lily wouldn't comfort her.
A few days later, Alicia was feeling more comfortable. She could cope. She could do her job. She could even work without Lily by her side when necessary. Lily stayed close to her, offering encouragement and support, but for the most part, Alicia worked alone and she could manage alone.
Alicia knew it was a good thing she was coping. It was better for the ED if the doctors could function and do their jobs.
But Alicia hated herself for it.
She cringed as she listened to her bright, cheerful voice giving reassurance to a patient that everything would be okay. What did Alicia know about being okay? She despised herself for being gentle with a frightened teenage girl, knowing she had been far from gentle with her own baby. It was her job and it was what was required of her, but she didn't know how she could have the nerve to behave as though everything was okay; as though she was okay?
Lily had told her she was doing very well. She said it as though it was a good thing, but Alicia knew it wasn't. It was inhuman what she was doing; inhuman the way she was able to carry on as though nothing had happened.
Yet another inhuman act from Alicia Munroe.
She wanted to throw herself to the floor and cry, but that would be that selfish. There were so many people who needed and deserved her colleagues' help more than she did. And her patients needed her: she owed it to the world to keep going, much as the world might despise her for being able to.
Lily appeared at Alicia's elbow - as she always seemed to when Alicia was struggling most - and spoke hesitantly. "Alicia? Would you like to take a break? It is all right."
Alicia fought back tears. "I don't need a break, thank you, Lily."
"It is time to take a break," said Lily, her voice quiet but firm. "I would like to take my break now too We all need to take breaks in order to maintain our maximum levels of efficiency."
The sweet, overeager Alicia she'd been when she'd first arrived at the ED would have hung on to Lily's every word and obeyed with enthusiasm, delighted to be sharing her break with the registrar she so admired. The harder, more thick-skinned Alicia she'd been on her return would have sneered and thought up some flippant response before carrying on with her work.
Now, Alicia just nodded and followed Lily to the staff room. The forced brightness she'd needed to do her job fell away from her and with it her energy. Her head dropped; her arms hung limply by her sides.
They went into the staff room.
Ethan was there.