Measure After Measure
"Sleep," Daniel groaned long hours later, pleading with his teammates for all he was worth. "Please."
"You're getting old," Sam teased, twisting slightly so she could grin up at him. "It's only a little after midnight."
"Not all of us can be as full of youth and vigor as you are, Carter," Jack retorted wryly, struggling to keep his eyes open. He was slumped to one side and looked like only the arm of the couch and the last dregs of stubborn determination were keeping him from toppling over into an undignified sprawl.
"I am more than twice your age, O'Neill," Teal'c reminded with a smirk, exchanging a conspiratorial look with Sam. "And I feel no need to perform kel'no'reem at this time."
"Well isn't that special for you?" Jack groused, twisting around into something more closely resembling an upright position. "Bedtime, kids; we want to be well-rested when we chat with MacKenzie tomorrow."
After a great deal of additional protest from Teal'c, who insisted that it wasn't too late to start Return of the Jedi yet again, and Sam, whom he had a niggling suspicion just didn't want to chance another doozy of a nightmare,Jack finally decided a little abuse of power was called for and ordered them all off to bed. Accepting defeat, Teal'c got to his feet and started cleaning up, taking empty beer bottles and dirty plates into the kitchen while Sam finally allowed Daniel up from the recliner they had spent the night squished together in.
While the archaeologist went to help Jack off the couch, Sam gathered an armful of soda cans and followed her Jaffa teammate into the kitchen. Hearing the other half of her team moving around the living room and gathering up the final remains of their most recent team night, she seized the opportunity to talk to Teal'c alone.
"Teal'c, did you mean it when you said you didn't need to perform kel'no'reem right now, or were you just giving the colonel a hard time?" she asked, trying to keep her tone casual.
Either she hadn't come across casually enough or he knew her too well to be fooled into thinking it was just a simple question. Teal'c straightened up and turned to face her, abandoning the dishwasher for a moment in favor of studying her carefully. After a few heartbeats of silence, he guessed, "You wish for me to assist you in achieving a state of kel'no'reem again this evening."
"Would you mind? Or would your symbiote?" she checked, depositing her burden in the almost overflowing recycling bin in one corner of the kitchen. She wanted his help, but not if it was going to be to the detriment of his or Junior's health.
"My earlier words were the truth, Major Carter," Teal'c assured warmly. "I do not require kel'no'reem at this time. No harm will befall my symbiote or myself if I assist you, and I would be honored to do so."
"Thank you," she smiled, laying a hand on his arm and squeezing briefly. Knowing she would be spared last night's frustration of trying to meditate on her own and, with any luck, the heart-pounding nightmares that continued to plague her, suddenly going to bed didn't seem like such a bad idea.
"I tried to do it on my own last night," she said off-handedly, stepping back so he could finish loading the dishwasher.
"How did you fare?" Teal'c asked, even though he could guess at what her answer would be. If she'd managed it on her own last night, she wouldn't have asked for his help tonight. Bending to reach the lower tray of the machine, he missed the grimace that twisted her features.
"Not well," Sam replied, setting the timer on the coffee maker so that there would be plenty caffeine to go around come morning. On the rare occasions when no one remembered to do so, there tended to be a lot of grumpiness while the three human members of SG-1 waited for their first cups of the morning kick-starting brew. They managed without coffee in the field when they had to, but their bodies all seemed to associate Earth-bound mornings with caffeine and refused to function properly without it. Sam figured they could do without the grumpiness tomorrow morning.
Tag-teaming MacKenzie was one thing, but he didn't deserve to be ganged up on by a team of mostly cranky, decaffeinated grouches. Even he wasn't quite that bad.
"For what reason?"
"I couldn't stay focused," Sam shrugged, pressing flat against the counter behind her so Jack and Daniel could squeeze past her and join them in the kitchen.
"When?" Daniel asked curiously, stacking leftover takeout containers in the fridge.
"Last night when I was trying to kel'no'reem."
"You had trouble sitting in one place, doing nothing and not thinking about anything?" Jack asked, feigning shock. Dumping the last of the night's soda cans in the recycling bin, he shot her a sidelong glance, eyes sparkling with amusement. "But that's so unlike you, Carter!"
"Jack, don't be an ass," Daniel sighed, rolling his eyes.
"And let all those years of practice go to waste? Sorry, Danny, no can do," he shot back, winking at Sam. Being an ass wasn't the only thing Jack had years of practice at; five years of experience had made him somewhat of an expert in archaeologist baiting.
The look that crossed Daniel's face made it clear to Teal'c and Sam that if they didn't step in, they would be up half the night watching back-to-back episodes of The Jack and Daniel Snark Hour Variety Show. It would all be in good fun, but if allowed to really get in their groove, the pair could go for hours on end and Sam did want to try and get at least a little sleep tonight. The past few nights were starting to catch up with her and she knew she wouldn't be able to keep fooling Janet into believing she was sleeping well for much longer.
"Come, Major Carter," Teal'c said firmly, interjecting before Daniel could verbally retaliate. Squeezing past the others, he made his way to the door, adding, "We will begin immediately."
"Keep the Zen-finding down to an hour tonight, kids," Jack instructed, eyeing Sam pointedly. "We've got to be up and out by 0930 and I want you getting at least eight hours tonight."
"Yes, sir," she sighed, knowing that this was one of those things he would obstinately refuse to budge on. Given what Sam had seen when she'd last looked in the mirror, she couldn't really say she blamed him.
"Teal'c, why don't you go get ready?" Daniel suggested, double-checking that the timer on the coffee maker was set. "I need to ask Sam something really quick."
"Is your question work related?" Jack asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion. He wouldn't put it past Daniel to aid and abet his fellow workaholic in breaking Janet's rules. After all, it had happened before and, in all likelihood, it would happen again.
"No," Daniel replied, shaking his head for extra emphasis. "And I haven't even spoken to anyone from the science department – besides Sam, that is – in three days, I swear."
Jack's eyes stayed narrowed as they swept back and forth over the two youngest members of his team, trying to detect whether they were in cahoots and using their super-genius powers to trick him. Apparently he didn't detect any hint of conspiracy because after about thirty seconds of bouncing from one to the other, he nodded and bade his team goodnight. Teal'c did the same before leading trailing their commander out of the kitchen.
Waiting until their teammates' footsteps had faded down the hall, Daniel eyed Sam over the top of his glasses and drummed his fingers idly on the countertop. He knew he was making her uncomfortable, could tell from the way she shifted her weight from foot to foot, but he was also aware of the fact that he needed to tread carefully. Since sharing MacKenzie's concerns with them, Sam had been the person they'd come to know better than themselves, but the results from her latest blood work up had revealed that there were still relatively high levels of nitrazepam in her system, meaning that sudden fits of anger were still a very real possibility.
"There's something that's been bothering me since your nightmare last night," he finally decided to open with, watching her closely for any signs that she was about to blow up at him.
"There is?" Sam asked, a flutter of panic building in her chest. Trying hard not to give anything away with her facial expression or body language, she stared at him intently, waiting for him to continue.
"Last night, you cried out," Daniel reminded, voice calm and low. "Teal'c and I heard you from the living room and woke up right away."
"So?"
"So you always call out in your sleep, or at least as you're waking up. I can't remember a single time that you've had a totally silent nightmare. Not until two nights ago, that is."
In spite of herself, Sam felt her eyes widen and the flutter of panic morphed into the wash from a jet engine, slamming into her lungs with so much force she couldn't breathe. He couldn't have figured it out. She'd been so careful in what she said, keeping her story consistent no matter who she was talking to, knowing that her teammates were probably comparing notes when she wasn't around, trying to ascertain just how honest she was being with them about how she was holding up.
"I don't see…" Sam began, shaking her head and moving to step around him, to make a hasty escape from the kitchen and sequester herself until morning. A gentle hand closing around her elbow stopped her and turned her around to face its owner, Daniel's sharp blue eyes seeming to look right through her.
"Two nights ago, you didn't have a nightmare," Daniel stated quietly, radiating confidence. "It was a flashback, wasn't it?"
She could lie. Or she could shake off his hand, his concern, and refuse to answer. Both were easy options. But he'd already guessed the truth. Daniel wasn't asking, not really; he knew he was right and was merely waiting to see how she would react to the question. Besides, the easy options were also the easy ways out, and Sam had made her whole life about never settling for doing the easy thing.
"Yes," she breathed, closing her eyes because she wasn't sure she could take seeing his reaction right now.
"Who knows?" Daniel murmured, bringing both hands up to rest lightly on her shoulders.
"Me and you," she replied, looking up to find warm, concerned eyes staring back at her.
"What about Janet? Or MacKenzie?"
A headshake was all the answer she could give.
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"MacKenzie already wants to take SG-1 away from me," she whispered, throat suddenly clogged by tears of shame that took her by surprise. "If I tell him, he'll want to take everything else away too. I should be able to handle this better, Daniel. I'm trained to handle this! But I can't, not this time, and if MacKenzie finds out…"
"Sam, listen to me," Daniel interrupted, cutting off her rambling explanation and squeezing her shoulders reassuringly. "You aren't trained to handle being kidnapped every time somebody with the right resources gets an idea that they want to test out, or decides that they want to pick your brain about something and doesn't want to waste time asking nicely. And you certainly aren't trained to handle being subjected to God knows what sorts of experiments to satisfy some sick bastard's curiosity. Nobody is trained to handle those things, Sam: not Jack, with all his black ops training, not even Teal'c with all Bra'tac taught him over the course of decades.
"Capture and interrogation and torture are one thing, Sam – those are things you've been trained to deal with – but those things aren't what Conrad and his people did to you."
"What if MacKenzie doesn't see it that way?" Sam hated how small she sounded in that moment.
"I think if you're honest with him, if you start telling him the whole truth, he'll come to see it that way," he soothed, squeezing her shoulders again. "But you have to give him a chance to understand, Sam; the magnitude of what you've been through, if not the experience itself."
Daniel hadn't forgiven MacKenzie for the toll his decision to recommend that SG-1 be split up had taken on Sam. He was still angry that the base shrink had dumped that on his friend and teammate with no regard for the effect it might have on her after everything else she'd been through this week. But like it or not, MacKenzie had to give his approval before Sam could return to duty – be it in the labs or off-world – and if he sensed she was telling him half-truths and outright lies, he would never clear her.
"Do you really trust him?" Sam asked, blinking back the tears still threatening to spill. "After what happened to you with Ma'chello's Goa'uld killers and now this whole 'split up SG-1' fiasco, do you really think he's someone I should trust?"
"He's human, Sam. He makes mistakes just like the rest of us."
"His mistakes can ruin people's lives."
"So can ours," Daniel pointed out, fingers kneading the tense muscles they rested on. "But when we've screwed up in the past, the people whose lives stood to be ruined gave us the chance to fix our mistakes. The Cimmerians, the Medronans, the naked, white aliens on '445, the Edorans, the people on Juna and K'Tau… Aren't they all better off for having given us a chance to make-up for our interplanetary blunders?"
"I almost rendered an entire solar system uninhabitable with the K'Tau incident," Sam reminded, grimacing. "You can't really compare that to MacKenzie's mistakes."
He smiled, glad he had gotten his point across. "No, you can't. But if the people of K'Tau can give us another chance, don't you think MacKenzie deserves one too?"
"I guess," Sam sighed. He was right, even if she didn't like it. Realizing just how easily Daniel had handled her, she added, "Sneaky, Doctor Jackson."
"I prefer 'honest', Doctor Carter," he corrected, eyes twinkling with laughter. "So, will you tell MacKenzie the truth?"
"Yes." She wasn't happy about the prospect of opening up to the man in question, but if she didn't, she would find herself grounded indefinitely at best, and discharged from the air force at worst. Neither outcome was acceptable.
"Will you tell me the truth?" Daniel pressed.
"Yes."
"How many other flashbacks have you had?" he asked gently, careful to keep his voice calm and gentle. Angry Sam hadn't reared her head since leaving the SGC that afternoon, but Daniel knew that one wrong word, one wrong inflection in his voice could change that so fast his head would spin.
"That's it," Sam swore holding his gaze, eyes wide and earnest. "You already know about the others."
"If you have any more…"
"I'll tell you, I promise."
"Good," he nodded, knowing he could trust her word. He'd probably have to keep prodding her to be honest with MacKenzie, but Daniel could deal with that. So long as there was at least one person she was being completely truthful with, she wouldn't reach that same low she had yesterday, so far from fine but refusing to admit it even to herself, and pushing away anyone who knew her well enough to call her on it.
"Now, you'd better go join Teal'c," he instructed lightly as he released her shoulders. "Time's wasting and Jack's probably lying in bed with a stopwatch."
Sam chuckled at that, knowing there was a good chance that a little less than an hour from now, Jack would come bursting through the door to the guest room, ordering her into bed and Teal'c out to the living room at the top of his lungs. The man had all the tact of a cranky two-year-old sometimes and had no qualms about making just as much racket, banking on the fact that people would be sorely tempted do just about anything he wanted, if only to get him to quit being so noisy.
Stepping around her, Daniel retrieved a clean glass from the cupboard and filled it with water, expecting Sam to stop letting precious meditation time slip away. He was a little surprised when he continued to feel the weight of her eyes on his back, but he didn't say anything. He'd asked her enough questions tonight; he didn't want Sam to feel like he was interrogating her.
"Daniel?" she started hesitantly, considering whether or not she really wanted to make the request. It felt dangerously close to taking the easy way out, but the alternative made her stomach churn just thinking about it. In the end, Sam decided that 'the easy way' was still pretty damn hard and there was no shame in taking it.
"Hmm?" he replied, turning to face her once more.
"Can you tell the colonel and Teal'c about two nights ago?" she asked quietly, her voice quiet and unsure. "I… Let's just say I don't really want to talk about it."
"I can do that," he agreed, understanding her reluctance to tell them herself. If she did it, there would be questions that she probably didn't want to answer; if he told the rest of their team, he could avoid having to answer those questions by admitting that Sam hadn't told him much of anything. It seemed he wasn't the only one that could be sneaky, Daniel mused.
"Thank you," she smiled, glad that was one less awkward conversation she'd have to look forward to in the coming days.
"If you need anything through the night, you know where to find me," Daniel reminded, offering her a smile of his own.
"That I do," Sam agreed, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing tight. She owed him more than he'd ever know for showing up outside MacKenzie's door that afternoon. If it weren't for Daniel, she knew she would have spent the rest of the day curled up in the corner of her couch, dreading her teammates' reactions when they found out what the base psychiatrist had planned for SG-1 and jumping at every little sound in her silent house.
"Night, Daniel," Sam murmured against his shoulder, relieved beyond words that he had so easily forgiven her for the way she'd treated him in the last two days. Being more persistent than the others in trying to determine what was bothering her, Daniel had borne the brunt of her attempts to distance herself from her teammates.
"Sweet dreams tonight, okay, Sam?" he replied, one hand rubbing soothingly between her shoulder blades, the other holding her tight against him.
"I hope so," she breathed.
oOoOoOoOoOo
"Sorry I kept you waiting," Sam murmured, easing the door shut quietly behind her. She paused momentarily, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness before making her way over to where Teal'c sat, ready and waiting on the floor.
"Was your conversation with Daniel Jackson fruitful?" Teal'c asked, watching patiently while she settled herself into a comfortable position in front of him. Bathed in the pale light spilling in from the window, she looked more at ease than she had even in the days leading up to her most recent abduction. Whatever she and Daniel had talked about, it seemed to have relieved her of a great burden.
"I think so."
"Then your apology is unnecessary," Teal'c assured, flashing her a faint smile through the moonlight. She returned the gesture and it reached her eyes, lit up her whole face and chased away all traces of the strains the last week had placed on her. It was a sight that warmed his heart.
"How may I be of assistance to you this evening, Major Carter?" he asked quietly, the rich tones of his voice reaching out through the darkness and washing over her, soothing the lingering fears that nightfall awakened.
"Just talk to me," she requested, hoping he understood that it wasn't that she needed a voice to ground her while she worked through the meditative techniques he had taught her. Sam needed to hear his voice; it's steady tenor and calm, unshakeable strength had always been a source of comfort to her, no matter the situation they found themselves in. "It doesn't matter what you say."
"If you would permit me, I would like to relate an ancient tale traditionally told to the young," Teal'c said after only a moment's thought. "As a small child, Ry'ac often requested Drey'auc and I tell him this particular fable, at times refusing to go to sleep until we did so."
"A Jaffa fairy tale?" Sam asked, her smile growing at the idea.
"Indeed."
"That sounds perfect, Teal'c," she confirmed, seeing an answering smile on his face.
Mindful of the time limit Jack had imposed on their kel'no'reem session, Teal'c wasted no further time. He delved into the tale he hadn't had occasion to tell for many years, the memory of his young son's excited face crystal clear in his mind as he recited the familiar words.
Closing her eyes, Sam focused her mind just as Teal'c had taught her and let rise and fall of his voice fade into the background, white noise promising security and warm friendship, regardless of what came their way.
A/N: In case anyone is wondering, the 'interplanetary blunders' Daniel mentions are from the episodes 'Thor's Chariot,' 'Touchstone,' 'One False Step,' 'One Hundred Days,' 'Double Jeopardy' and 'Red Sky,' respectively. : )