Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.
Jessica314 wrote the specifics referenced here during Edward's rebellious period in her story Tale of Years: 1927.
After Carlisle had travelled over five miles he went over to a large boulder and sat down.
As we ran, I gathered that he wanted to get a clear understanding of what was happening with me. He had assumed that since I hadn't run away for the night that I was ready to talk.
For an instant I wished that I had run away. Then, I remembered the joy playing music had given Esme and rejected the wish.
His thoughts were full of possible consequences for the family depending on what was happening with me.
I was relieved that he hadn't yet considered punishments for my horrendous behaviour over the last twenty-four hours. I hoped that was because my siblings had kept their word and had not said anything. I expected that would change once he knew what had happened today. I was most anxious about the look of disappointment he was bound to have. The only time I had seen that look was in his memory from the moment when he had first realized that I had rejected vegetarianism shortly after I had left him and Esme. Disappointment not withstanding, I figured that since he hadn't thrown me out for exposing us; he wouldn't over today. Especially, as talking to Bella had been Esme's idea. With that reassurance in mind, I turned to face him.
You seem to be in higher spirits, he noted.
I wondered why he was starting there. I nodded. I couldn't not deny that. Even Rosalie had noticed.
Anything to do with Bella?
Shame washed over my face, my jaw clenched, and my body tensed. I nodded unwillingly. Simultaneously, I felt this irrational urge to prepare to protect and defend Bella in case he might defame her character in some way. I forced my muscles one by one to relax reminding myself that this was Carlisle, the epitome of compassion, care, self-control, and pacifism. For goodness sake. He had already verbalized his unwillingness to change her. If it was one family member that I didn't need to protect Bella from, it was Carlisle.
What's different, son? he asked. His face was a strange contortion of concern and a hint of fear. His thoughts were full of fragmented statements that both contained compassion and unease.
I pondered his question. What had changed? Everything. But how to explain it? How could I articulate that I was attracted to and wanted nothing good for the girl who was by far the greatest risk my family had faced?
Talking to Esme this morning seemed so much less daunting. Standing here, facing him, I realized how caught I was in Carlisle's shadow. What would he say? Would he respect me if he knew my sentiments? Would he forbid me to have contact with her? Would he alter his mind about changing her? There were so many possibilities. I froze in fear, while simultaneously reaching out to his mind trying to draw out his thoughts. I pressed into his mind as much as I believed I could without violating his mental blockades. I heard nothing to give me an indication of what his reaction might be.
After a while the lines in his face increased and his face fell even more. "It's okay, Edward. You can talk to me. I won't dismember you. I promise." A distressed smile began, but his eyes continued to communicate apprehension.
Was me not talking making it worse for him? His joke eased me slightly.
His mind continued to be filled with nothing but worries and concerns.
"I don't know what to say," I admitted finally. Somehow I always managed to feel this way around Carlisle during these types of conversations despite the passage of time. I was caught between wanting a friend with whom to share my burdens and needing a father who would approve of me. I wished I could look him in the eye as an equal; instead, my eyes gravitated to the boulder below his feet.
"I get that Edward, but, son, we've gone through too much the hard way to learn that us not talking is the opposite of helpful."
Yes. I knew this. He was reminding me of my familial obligations. I sat down on the ground and pulled myself to my knees.
His thoughts radiated possible risks for our family and for me, as if my silence was increasing his emotional unease. Nevertheless, he was convinced that whatever the issue his mind could conjure and was holding me from speaking the family could solve together.
"I stopped running away last night," tumbled out rapidly like a cork being released from a champagne bottle. I was uncertain as to why I started there.
"Did Alice come and talk to you?" he asked gentle in a soft tone. A memory of watching Alice leave the house passed through his mind along with the concurrent concerns for me and wonderings if Alice would help me with whatever had been causing me to run.
He doesn't miss anything, I bemused to myself. "Yes." My answer came out terse, as I had become aware that keeping what was going on from him was going to be more difficult that I had imagined. I tried to figure out how much I could tell him so that he would feel satisfied with my answers without exposing all my sins.
How come? The tenor of the question was curiosity.
Was it possible that he wanted to chat merely because he was concerned and curious? Certainly, that had been the case many times before. Intrinsically, without explanation, as if pulling on hidden memories, I believed that there had to be more to these chats. Otherwise I had been a great fool for all these years and my fear of chastisement had been completely unfounded. I pushed these thoughts entirely aside.
The answer to his question was straightforward enough, but it led into many revelations I had been attempting to avoid. I saw no alternative but to answer honestly, hoping his curiosity would be satisfied quickly. "Her vision kept changing and she was concerned. She came to talk to me about it." Straightforward. Simple. Truth.
He patiently sat looking at me, waiting expectantly, his face completely neutral.
I guess he wasn't going to let me off the hook that easily. I held myself tighter and took an unnecessary deep breath. Despite the circumstances, he scent in my lungs was reassuring.
"Things were changing too rapidly in me."
Uh-huh … He kept his mind blank seemingly in order to simply wait expecting more …
"It was causing rapid changes in her visions," I hedged as I chanced a glance at his face through my eyelashes.
He looked the same. Yes … I heard his mind relay to me in a gentle nudging way.
"Because ... I became aware that I was jealous," I spat at him. I hung my head in humiliation.
Was this what you wanted to know? I asked him internally, angry with him for forcing me to admit my frailty. Now you can see my failure. This had been the emotion that had been my undoing. I really had been fine until then. I deserved his judgement and condemnation for becoming jealous in relation to the very human that held the power to annihilate my family and perhaps everyone in the town. In this light, my inability to control my emotions and maintain the glass wall between Bella and I seemed even greater.
Ah … I see.
His response seemed to indicate that my answer explained things to him. What things? What did he see? Why weren't there even thoughts of surprise? I was confused and irritated. What wasn't he telling me?
His thoughts didn't give me any answers. Instead they refocused on my well-being. Why didn't you come home with Alice?
"I didn't like what she said," I answered truthfully but carefully. Carlisle knew me well. I could not successfully lie outright, but I had become expertly skilled through the years in living with a house of pairs of how to hide what was happening with me. I never wanted them to catch on to how much their coupleness pained me at times. Because I was also happy for them.
An image of Bella with red eyes came into his mind.
I growled involuntarily. Fortunately, I caught myself before I moved to attack him.
He dismissed the image as soon as it came up. We sat there a while with him not thinking anything specific, simply absorbing the information, categorizing it, sorting it, creating hypotheses and then discarding them.
All the while, I watched him simply waiting.
Finally, he found a hypothesis he could not logically reject. The neutrality was gone. His face fell and he asked with gravity, "You're in love?"
I sat stunned unable to answer. We sat in silence for another long stretch of time. I tried to not allow my thoughts to consume me regarding what a failure and disappointment I must be to him for that to be his first conclusion. To be in love with a human! How ridiculous. I wondered briefly if he knew me at all. He had been able to walk away from Esme when she had been human. I continued to fall short of his standard. Eventually I shook my head no. No, this wasn't love.
What then? The tenor of the question seemed that he was confused.
Did he really believe that I was in love? I couldn't consider the consequences of the answer because appallingly I had allowed him to back me into divulging my true feelings. Now I had no choice but to admit my greatest ignominy.
I closed my eyes. "I am attracted to her," I confessed with tremendous remorse.
The memory of her insistence of friendship came to me. Then I remembered my thoughts, just hours ago, regarding us attempting friendship. A friendship, no matter how bad for her, held no comparison to the risk of attraction. How easy it would be to slip into her room and just take her. My whole body was enlivened by the mere thought. I balled my hands into fists, compelled my body to stiffen, drove my mind to think on other things, forced my eyes open, and commanded every part of my body one by one to let go of that desire and to return to the present moment with Carlisle watching me wearily.
Well, it was bound to happen eventually, was the first and briefest thought he had. He seemed to mentally force himself not to think along those lines and instead consider the risks. By the time I opened my eyes I saw him watching me carefully his worry lines had deepened aging him beyond his usual appearance of twenty-three years.
I felt laid bare, raw, exposed. My struggle to contain my own physical reactions to something so simple was now apparent.
"That's …" he struggled for the right word, thinking one and then rejecting it until he settled on "troubling." Images of our cousins came to his mind.
I flinched at the comparison, no matter how close it might be. "Yes," was all that I could muster.
Was that what was happening? I didn't want to have a casual relationship with any female. I wanted what Esme and Carlisle had. I was willing to wait for it. Nevertheless, was it possible that Bella had awoken desire that Tanya, for all her attempts, had been unable?
Does Bella return your sentiments?
"Not that I can tell," but my voice was uncertain.
Without being able to read Bella's mind, nothing was certain. I didn't want to try to imagine the level of uncertainty my family members, who weren't perhaps Alice, lived with. Conceivably, this explained Jasper's readiness, Rosalie's dislike of change, Emmett's laissez-faire attitude … I pushed away the thought. It was just too much to consider.
Carlisle nodded gravely. I began to relax my grip around my knees.
Would it be best if we moved?
"Rosalie would be furious."
He considered that. She owes you. She would adjust.
But she would be unbearable to live with, I added to myself. My true rejection of this idea was yet another thing I hadn't wanted to disclose to Carlisle, but I saw no alternative. His argument was too airtight otherwise.
"I don't think I'm strong enough to be able to stay away," I revealed. My humiliation at my own body's betrayal of what I knew was right clung to the words.
Oh …
I became terrified that he would see my situation fully. "But I'm working on it," I pointed out with fervency and determination in my voice. "I figure it's just like the bloodlust. With more exposure and practise, I'll get better with it. A few weeks, maybe a month or two."
His thoughts indicated that he wasn't buying it.
Perchance I was being overly optimistic? "Even if it takes longer, I figure I could just go along with Bella's suggestion of friendship until we graduate. That's only fifteen months away."
It seemed as if his mind hadn't taken in my argument at all.
Initially I became frustrated. Did he not believe I was strong enough? Certainly if I could resist her blood, I could resist this? Then I grew irritated.
I watched as his mind put other pieces together. He contemplated the likelihood of her being my mate.
Why had it not dawned on him that I would have already considered that possibility?
His mind seemed to automatically go to the first time he had met Esme. He held the image of sixteen-year-old Esme in his mind for a while lingering on all that he experienced in those moments.
I had never seen that time with Esme in such rich detail. The sixteen-year-old girl who had fallen out of a tree reading really had intrigued him. When his analysis was done he concluded. Surely not, she's human after all. He mentally turned back to me. Is there more than attraction and jealousy?
This was a far easier question. I hoped the worst was over. "No, just strong reactions that are related to those emotions."
He weighed that. Anything else?
Naturally, he would want more than my emotional state. Out of reluctance and embarrassment I spoke my confession quickly. "Well, Esme suggested this morning when I came home to get ready for school that I give Bella the opportunity to reject my sentiments. So, I asked Bella if I could accompany her on an outing, and then we sat together at lunch. Bella requested that we be friends despite my insistence that I would not be a good friend for her."
I swear between Esme and Alice and then Bella that women determined to force me into dangerous, impossible, never good situations surrounded me.
The end result of my last attempt at having a human friend entered Carlisle's mind.
I flinched at the memories that conjured. That was exactly why I was no good for Bella. Every human that had touched my life ended up dead or in hospital, including my parents. The tragedy that my presence brought others filled me with despair.
If she's insistent, even after he's warned her … "How are you going to keep the truth from her?"
His unspoken assumption that I had not revealed anything more meant a lot to me. I might be a curse to humans, but Carlisle had just demonstrated his belief in me as a member of his family. There I had a place where I wasn't a catastrophe waiting to happen, although my behaviour since Bella's arrival challenged the validity of that assumption. This is exactly why I needed that no from Bella. So, I could walk away and put this behind me returning to the role in my family that I had since Jasper and Alice had joined us and that I had lost because of Bella.
"I don't know." I looked at my knees.
Now that he knew what happened today at school I waited for his admonishment.
Any way that she would guess it? he asked. I searched his mind. I could find not one rebuke or even a disappointment, only a mind bent on protecting me and his family.
I was taken back. Was it possible that he trusted me even now? I couldn't consider the answer, and how unworthy of that I would be. Instead, I focused on his question. I briefly considered the possibility that she could find out from the Quileute elders. Doing so would break the treaty and since they no longer had the wolves to protect them I doubted they would do that.
"I don't see how." My slight pause produced a questioning look on Carlisle's face. "Right now she thinks that I'm a superhero from a comic book. I ruled out Spiderman and Superman from her list of contenders."
An image of the original Spiderman and Superman with my face flittered momentarily in his mind. He looked like he was suppressing a grin.
I frowned tremendously. This wasn't a joking manner.
His expression went from curious to surprise. Has her mind opened to you?
"No," I looked back at my knees, "I asked at lunch."
A slight smile emerged on Carlisle's face and the memories of the young Esme that he spent time talking to when he knew he shouldn't went through his mind. Even at sixteen Carlisle's memories of Esme contained so much of the Esme I had grown to love, admire, and cherish.
"How did you let her go? And not covet her?" I demanded. I hadn't meant to be oppositional. I didn't want to upset him. Nevertheless, I had spoken before I could retract.
Suddenly he looked ashamed. "I did, son. I did. I did covet her." My fear that I might kill her combined with my belief that she would have a better life without me stopped me from acting on it. Sadness and regret coloured his features momentarily. He paused for a long time, shifting through his thoughts.
His confession eased me tremendously. I might not be as strong as Carlisle and be able to resist completely as he had, but at least we shared the same intensions.
Have you reconsidered changing Bella? he asked gently.
"No! Of course not!" I growled my whole body wanting to pounce in order to tear him apart. With great determination I held myself in place. With purpose I calmed my voice to a more normal level. "You know better than anyone that I would not condemn a soul to this life, Carlisle."
Fortunately, my latter sentence and emphasis on Carlisle reminded him of our philosophical arguments regarding this issue. "Of course," he replied with a sad tone.
That could make things very difficult for you, he concluded. In his mind he pictured me attempting to resist her blood and my attraction to her. He didn't paint a pretty picture.
I hung my head again. "I know, but I don't see another option."
He weighed all the possibilities as he saw them. If I didn't have the strength to leave and I wouldn't turn her … he tried to see an alternative that would contain our secret with the new information he had. You leave me in a difficult position, my son.
"I know. I tried to stay away from her, Dad, really." Shame washed my face again. As I had tightened myself against my knees once more, I doubted that he saw my expression.
My six weeks of running flittered across his mind before he reassembled himself. I watched in his memory as he had followed my trail once.
I wondered how I had missed his scent on the way back. That wasn't a good sign. What other important things might have I missed?
He looked at me until I raised my gaze and he caught my eyes. The intensity there surprised me. "You are a critical part of our family, son."
I looked at him incredulously. Obviously he and Esme would miss me, probably Alice too, but critical? No. But this wasn't the time or place to argue the point.
He seemed to waver between pressing it and letting it go. Keeping his prior intense eye contact he decided on, "We all love you in our own way. The house hasn't been the same without you."
Yes, I could see that. I nodded slightly.
My connection to them seemed richer since Bella entered my life; she had inadvertently helped me understand them better. I hadn't spent any extended amount of time away from my family in over seventy years. "I've missed you all as well," was all that I could manage.
Even though he had no better solutions than I had, I felt grateful to express my struggles to him. I might not meet his standard, but his wisdom and strength was of great comfort. We both sat absorbed in the reality of what I, and by proxy, my family faced. I kept monitoring his thoughts for when they would reach the obvious conclusion: I was weak.
Eventually he shook his head. I am proud of your self-restraint that has allowed the Swan child to live.
What? He was proud of me? He was impressed with my self-restraint? I entertained the possibility that he might not chastise me. The thought of my weakness clung to me. I hung my head. "But not enough to stay away from her, to allow her to live a human life unencumbered by my presence."
"Attraction is not the same as bloodlust, my son. You have nothing to be ashamed of."
"You managed with Esme," I spat accusingly wishing as it exited my mouth that I could control myself better.
He showed no signs that I had upset him. Not really, he responded. Sadness, regret, and disappointment coloured his tone. She was not very far from my thoughts. It was good that I was already scheduled to leave that hospital shortly after. Multiple times I considered some excuse that would permit me to go back to her parents' home. In the end, I knew the risk was too great. Even still, it was hard to leave after spending only a few hours with her. You have spent six weeks sitting next to Bella. And more, you were asked by your family to keep an eye on her. He closed his eyes. His internal tone changed as if he was talking to himself, something he rarely did around me unless it was about patients.
I should have kept what he shared in the car ride on the way back from the hospital in the forefront of my mind. If I hadn't been so neglectful, I would not have agreed to what the family requested of him at the meeting. I would have seen the natural progression towards attraction. So much time focused on a female that he already hungered for in another way. This is what started him on the path that led to him leaving our family last time. … I should have realised sooner that it would have been too much for him to prevent. I was so focused on the needs of the family that I didn't fully consider the consequences to him.
He turned his gaze towards me and looked at me requesting, "Can you forgive me?"
As I heard his thought about poor Margaret, I considered arguing that she was certainly not the reason I rebelled against being vegetarian. But his question combined with me only being able to hear in his thoughts fragments of self-flagellation and self-doubt stopped me. I hadn't heard him like this since he turned Rosalie. I looked at him shocked. I couldn't fully grasp what he was saying. Half formed ideas spun through my head, but nothing made sense.
He watched me closely as he ran his right hand through his hair. When he saw my look, he shook his head.
"Have I not told you about the birds and the bees?" he asked softly with a twinkle in his eye and an emerging smile.
I was appalled. "Dad!" I had watched two pairings and I often was invaded with lewd thoughts, fantasies, and memories from my family and strangers. The question was insultive. I might look seventeen, but surely he wouldn't think that my knowledge on the subject was the same as when he had changed me.
He stifled a threatening smirk. He rifled through his memories. No, I don't suppose I have. I'm so sorry. We should have had this conversation decades ago. He organized his thoughts.
I'm not entirely sure how it works, of course, he began as he looked at me steadily. But when I lived with the Volturi I was curious regarding how our kind mate, not the mechanics mind you, more the difference between attraction and mating, and the irresistible pull mates have to be together. I had observed that it seemed very difficult for mates in the Italian coven to be apart for very long, with it being harder on some more than others. I attempted to find everything I could in the library, but there really wasn't anything substantial. Then one day I had the opportunity to ask Aro. An image of Aro in his office with Carlisle standing by the door looking awkward passed through his mind.
He said that the pull of mates that I observed began prior to consummation and that it was all but impossible to resist. I wondered how it compared to the pull towards our kinds' natural diet, but I kept that question to myself. When I met Esme these questions came back to me, naturally. When Esme was human there was interest and curiosity I hadn't experienced with most humans, but really it was once she was turned that I felt the impossible pull Aro had described. Surely you remember.
I nodded. I was fascinated by this aspect of his time in Volterra that he had never divulged previously, but his statement pulled my mind into the memories shortly after Esme was changed. I remembered how quickly Carlisle's and Esme's thoughts mirrored one another and how much they both tried not to think of the other in inappropriate ways, but this pull he was describing wouldn't have shown up in thoughts. Even when he recalled the experience, I couldn't feel the physical responses present for him. Surely he knew that. That was Jasper's gift's expertise.
My personal experience is that the pull towards a mate is much more difficult to resist than blood. My hypothesis is that the potency of the pull has to do with it tugging on our previous human nature as well as our present one. The electrical current you described can be a sign of our kind's attraction to another and, from what I understand, might be a potential indication that a mate match is possible. Anyway, refocusing his thoughts, my present conclusion is that there are significant differences between the desire of human blood and the desire of a mate. One, over time the desire of human blood can be overcome and eventually diminish while the desire to be with a mate does not. Two, we can live rather full lives without human blood, but once our kind are mated if he or she is lost, then it leaves an emptiness that can not be filled.
The pictures that he painted were dire. The clearest image was one of the Volturi, Marcus, apathetic.
"What happened?"
"His mate was killed."
"Ah."
So my only choice to ascertain if Bella was my mate was to do the thing I refused. Consequently, I could never discover the answer. I could be condemning the rest of my existence to being single. If that was the price I had to pay for Bella to remain human, I would pay it. It was the life I had lived thus far. It would devastate Esme, though. For her sake I held a small bit of hope that maybe in another hundred years I would meet my mate. I also hadn't known the loss of a mate could be like that for us. Great. I wondered briefly if everyone else in my family knew about this but me. He had been right. He should have told me about this decades ago.
Carlisle gathered his thoughts again. There is a similar pull in attraction. My hypothesis is because it too derives from our former human nature. Of course, some of our kind engage in carnal acts with humans, but then simply make them their meal afterwards. It took our cousins centuries to learn the self-control necessary to be attracted to a human and not kill him. His thoughts paused briefly. I detected his attempt to find the right words for his question. Have you considered having this type of encounter with Bella?
I stared at him scandalized. What kind of creature did he consider me to be? "I would never," I growled spewing out the last word emphatically. Then the image of using Bella in this way entered my mind without my permission. The war between the different parts of my self erupted again. The monster and the physical urges demanded that I fulfil that possibility. This is what are you made to do, they together attempted to convince me. Fortunately the gentleman in me was stronger and beat them both back. I had no idea what my expression had been during this internal tug-of-war.
"Forgive me, Edward." I meant no offense. Since you've been behaving uncharacteristically I needed to ask.
Of course I forgave him. Of course he meant no offense. The paternal concerned look that he gave me was enough. He could see my struggle. And he knew that I would not be like our cousins. The magnetic attraction that our kind can feel filled my thoughts and dawning spread across my face. There must be something about Bella that was similar to the mate I would one day find. This was what had caused the attraction and, thereby, pull. I had been right. My desire to be with Bella was much worse and more dangerous than the monster's desire to taste her delectable flavour. Even Carlisle saw that and was worried. I tried to formulate what this meant for me and potentially for Bella. It was obvious now that my attraction was pulling my body towards Bella, but she was human and would not be pulled like me. Logic dictated, as long as I didn't use persuasion or my lure on her, that she would say no. I simply needed to find a way to cage this attraction and then leave.
Carlisle said that the pull between blood and attraction were not the same, but since Bella isn't my mate I don't have to worry about that pull increasing over time. I was now confident that I could carry through my plan to leave her.
Carlisle looked at me quizzically.
I looked at him steadily with conviction in my voice. "No, Dad. Both my mothers raised me to be a gentleman. I would never dishonour a lady like that." I paused looking at my knees. "But it is a struggle to resist. My body desires things it never has before."
He nodded as if he figured as much.
"Is mating possible …" for Bella and I, but that somehow seemed entirely too presumptuous and although we'd hinted at it, I wasn't sure I was ready to say it out loud, "for our kind with a human." I needed to make sure that I hadn't understood in any way and that this option was closed.
A genuine smile brought the creases of his mouth towards his ears. Once again his mind was filled with his experience of being with Esme when she was sixteen and then after he had turned her. "I wouldn't think so, son. But, then again, I'm not drawing from a large sample pool."
I felt tremendous relief. "Huh," I muttered.
I looked at my options. I concluded that there was no way at the moment for me to walk away without Bella's no. The other option, to allow my body to engage in carnal sin, was unacceptable. Getting a no posed a slight risk, but I had no better ideas. I still was not accustomed to interacting with her. I would need to be careful and not allow my nature and what my father just said to pull her in against her will. Or allow my body to act in inappropriate ways. That would be disastrous. No, she must be free to choose, so that she can express the obvious conclusion, to choose no. I recalled Esme's words of the wonderful opportunity given by new experiences. They seemed ironic now back dropped by her romantic wishes for me.
My face must have lightened some because Carlisle asked, "What is it, Edward?"
"Oh. I was just remembering a conversation I had with Mom shortly after I returned from the Denali's when she said that I was being given an amazing gift," I mocked grumbled, "the gift of newness. Well, actually she said, 'You've been given a novel opportunity to learn something new and most importantly to grow.'" I mimicked her tone when I repeated what Esme had said.
He smiled with pride. She is a wise woman, Esme.
"Yes," I nodded smiling back. "This doesn't really change or solve anything."
He laughed dryly, "Well if Rosalie and Emmett taught us anything, it is that if you leave things well alone they have a way of resolving themselves."
I shook my head side to side. For someone who had eternity I sure was being impatient. "Okay, Dad."
He looked serious suddenly, "Have you begun to court her?" as if the full implication of Bella and I having lunch together just hit him.
"I don't believe so …" He looked dubious.
Either you are or you're not, son.
"I shouldn't. Really, it was Esme who recommended that I give Bella the opportunity to turn me down."
He seemed mentally unable find fault in Esme's argument, despite the risk. I picked up the slightest hint that he was trying to keep from me his hope that I would want to turn Bella and she would be my mate. The wish seemed to come from a place of wanting to see me happy and the joy he knew it would give Esme. I couldn't fault him for that even as a snarl rumbled in my chest.
"That's how I ended up asking Bella to accompany her next Saturday on an activity she had previously decided to do alone, and then Bella's request to be friends at lunch. I had no intention prior to Esme's recommendation to court her. I still don't, although I am considering Bella's proposal of friendship."
He looked at me pleased that I had followed Esme's advice yet concerned, then slightly confused as if some of the pieces he put together didn't quite fit. Why the doubt?
"Since I can't read her thoughts, I am uncertain if she accepted my outing proposal under her own volition."
A smile threatened, but he contained it. Ah. I see. Quite the conundrum.
"Yes." I hung my head again.
She's still alive, so that says something about your self-control. He grinned.
"Seriously, Dad. It's not amusing."
No, son, it's not. Forgive me for my impropriety. His face became serious again, but it seemed to be taking him some effort to do so. The trickiest part would be to discover if she is simply reacting to your lure.
"Any suggestions?" I searched him, desperately hoping that he had an answer.
"Hum." He started rifling through his memories, catching and combining bits of information, assessing if any conclusions could be made. Nothing presently. His mind suddenly changed direction. He looked at me intently again, "Son, I have no interest in being involved in the intimate details of your personal life, but given the risk, I want you to update me every night until I say otherwise."
I balked. He had never asked this of me. Did he no longer trust me? I felt insulted. At the same time I could see his intention. I had been behaving uncharacteristically and he was concerned about the possibility, no matter how slight, that Bella and I might end up engaging in carnal activities, which would increase our risk. Nevertheless, a part of me wished that he would solve my dilemma by simply forbidding me to see her. The smallest negligible part of me doubted if that would work, however. He was also correct that me spending time with Bella would be the greatest risk our family would ever face, especially given the possibilities. There were so many things that could go wrong if it ended poorly between us as well as significant risks if it went well. It was not to be done lightly. I already knew this. He was attempting to balance the needs of the whole family with mine. I saw no reasonable argument in contradiction.
He pulled me out of my thoughts. "I need your word, son."
Grudgingly I replied, "Yes, Dad, you have my word. Every day that I have interactions with Bella I will update you that evening."
He paused. Yes, all right, that's good enough. Thank you. We should get back. I miss my wife.
Usually I would have rolled my eyes at this kind of comment, but tonight I just chuckled.
When we got back, Jasper and Emmett were back at their chess game. Alice was working on her project. Rosalie was in the garage, and Esme was upstairs. Jasper, Emmett, and Alice all slightly turned when Carlisle and I walked in, each wondering how Carlisle had responded, well except Alice who turned smugly exerting effort to keep her mind focused on the screen in front of her. Carlisle went to Esme and embraced her. Rosalie's thoughts seemed calmer.
I pondered if an apology would be a good idea. I looked at Alice silently questioning if I should.
Alice paused momentarily from her work and closed her eyes focusing on the possible outcomes. One was worse than the other, but neither ended in bodily harm, so I gathered my courage and went out to the garage.
"What do you want ingrate?" greeted me as soon as I entered.
"I didn't come here to argue, Rosalie. I came here to apologise."
She slid herself out from under the car and looked at me bemused.
"I simply wanted to apologise for my behaviour earlier. My laughter was totally inappropriate even if the image of you hunting like a dog was hilarious." I tried to contain the smile wanting to escape my lips again.
"Well, yeah." She paused as if she was going to say something her mind pulling together pieces that were incoherent at the moment. "Scam, Edward. I was in the middle of something. I don't need you recreating another May 21st 1983."
"No problem, Rosalie, " I said over my shoulder as I walked out. That was a day that would live in Cullen family infamy and not one I was going to be the reason for recreating. I'm glad I'd taken some helpful clues from Alice's vision. That hadn't ended badly at all.
I hope Carlisle knocked some sense into him. Perhaps he has come to realize what incredibly risky behaviour he has been engaging in and is now going to rectify the situation. Knowing Edward … Having lunch today with the girl he wanted to kill six weeks ago, what was he thinking? He has never behaved so poorly before. I could always count on him for staying out of trouble since he is so uptight, the anal-retentive twat. Now what? I can't even count on him? And on she went. I tried to shrug it off with the knowledge that was just how Rosalie was. I needed a distraction from her thoughts and my own.
I went to the piano and started again with the lullaby from the beginning. I replayed the parts that Alice had suggested. I was hesitant. Hesitant to follow the music–where I was aching and yearning in unfamiliar ways–to its unavoidable end–a crescendo of despair. I paused, and pulled the lemonade bottle cap from my pocket. I sat it on the empty music stand. A memento of a possible friendship. Something that contained the smallest degree of hope that my actions wouldn't result in a tragedy. With that in mind, I worked on the piece some more. I thought about the piece that I had started and never been able to finish many years ago when I attempted to capture Carlisle's immeasurable amount of love, hope, and compassion. Maybe some of that piece could work here. Hmm … I played with it, tinkered with it, thought I might have it, but I knew it wasn't quite right. Right as I had moved past the bridge I saw the vision Alice was having, and my hands nearly crashed into the keys.
"Oh!" Alice squealed. "Jasper, guess what?"
"What, Alice?" he replied.
"Peter and Charlotte are coming to visit next week! They're going to be in the neighbourhood, isn't that nice?"
"Peter and Charlotte are coming to Forks?" I hissed.
She rolled her eyes at me. "Calm down, Edward. It's not their first visit."
My teeth clenched together. It was their first visit since Bella moved here. Had Emmett's and Jasper's reactions not demonstrated that her scent was sweet generally? A thousand images thundered into my head. They all ended with Bella dead–my risk of exposure worthless.
Alice frowned at my expression. "They never hunt here. You know that."
Rationally I knew that, but Jasper's brother of sorts and mate hunted the normal prey for our kind. I could not let my actions be in vain. I would protect Bella from this potential risk, no matter how slight. I could not allow my one virtuous action to be undone.
"When?" I demanded.
She pursed her lips unhappily. Monday morning. No one is going to hurt Bella, Edward!
"You're right about that. You ready Emmett?"
"I thought we were leaving in the morning."
"We're coming back by midnight Sunday night. It's up to you when you want to leave."
"Okay, fine. Let me say goodbye to Rose first."
"Sure."
You sure you have all your marbles there, bro?
No, I wasn't sure anymore. It seemed like I wasn't sure of anything anymore except that I would keep Bella safe.
Carlisle and Esme came to the top of the stairs. Esme looked slightly disappointed that we were leaving earlier. Carlisle asked me, You alright, son?
I pinched the bridge of my nose. No, I wasn't all right, but I hadn't been all right since Bella came to Forks. "Nothing worrisome, Dad." He looked at me searching if I was making an honest assessment of myself. After about twenty seconds he mentally decided to let it go and Emmett bounded in.
"See you guys Sunday night."
A/N: Carlisle's relationship with Esme both when Esme was human and when Carlisle changed her is inspired from Miki In Blue Jean's story Faith & Love.