Disclaimer:All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Suggested Listening: Boys Like Girls - Two Is Better Than One; The Maine - Saving Grace; Usher - Daddy's Home; Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love (Thank you to TanjaR_83 for the suggestion!);The Fray - Hundred; Nick Lachey - This I Swear; Wiz Khalifa - Black & Yellow; Chris Cornell - Sunshower.
The months following last August, I floated on clouds like bubbles floating in the air. My feet never touched the ground. My head and heart stuck in the humid, sticky Florida ambiance. Everyone noticed a difference in me. I had become this smiling girl who wore her happiness on her sleeve. I didn't overthink. I accepted. With that acceptance came happiness, on both of our parts.
Jacob visited for a few days on New Year's just as he had promised right before I left Florida. I didn't see much of the New Year as Jake had whisked me off into a land filled with ecstasy, desire, and intense pleasure. The four walls of his bedroom witnessed the sleep-lacking nights and steam filled days. When we weren't in the bedroom, we were showering or quickly finding something to eat. Luckily, Dad and Billy were off on their annual fishing trip of the New Year. Marybelle and Sue ventured to Seattle, pampering themselves with a spa retreat weekend. Many apologies were given for such little time spent with Jacob, but he simply shrugged his shoulders and smirked wickedly at me, want fogging his eyes.
Our last semester of college kicked off the same as the rest. Skype sessions were had. Phone sex used as an outlet. And a thousand "I miss you's" covered my need to blurt out how much I truly loved him. I never did. What benefits could I possibly have with him being so far away all of the time? It wouldn't make sense to put the added pressure on his shoulders. So, I kept that detail to myself. He'd find out. I was sure of it.
Then came April, the month of the NFL draft and spring break.
I scooped a handful of bubbles and brought them to my mouth. Perching my lips together, I blew out a slow and steady breath, watching a bit of foam catch the wave of air. The bundle of bubbles surfed the air, floating and tumbling, until it landed atop the sporadically bubble covered tanned leg that rested along the edge of the ceramic tub. I brought my hand to the mound of bubbles and swiped it across the hairy leg, spreading it more evenly.
"Sit up for a minute?" Jacob quietly asked.
And as I did so, a mountain of bubbles fell from the top of the water and onto the floor. Water splashed in waves as Jake scooted down the tub just slightly. When he was comfortable again, Jacob placed his hands on my soapy shoulders and tugged me back against his wet chest. As soon as I was within reach again, Jacob grabbed a palm full of bubbles and placed them on the top of my head. His comfort meshed into me, soothing my heart and soul. I giggled and allowed him the serenity of doing whatever he pleased.
No matter how old we were, bubbles had turned us from young adults to toddlers in seconds. Jake and I had spent that early April morning making love. Our bodies woven in and out of the others in pure bliss, pure happiness. Together and alone, we were perfectly okay, knowing where the other stood without the need for syllables. There had been a moment, a moment of serenity that blanketed the two of us, and that was when we found our inner child, dousing the entire bathroom with bubbles. Slipping and falling, we laughed until we cried, until our muscles were sore. And that was when we found rest in the porcelain tub filled to the brim with bubbles and water, which haphazardly splashed with any movement.
I looked toward Jacob's legs. One rested tightly against mine and the wall of the tub. The other found rest the only place that it could, atop the edge. I, then, looked toward my pale white legs that were almost stretched out. Jake and I were almost complete opposites. I spoke what I felt – most of the time. There was only one exception to that rule, and he just so happened to be the man I had fallen in love with. Jacob, on the other hand, rarely shared his feelings, and when he did it was out of pure and utter frustration. He was a guarded soul, but a tender one all the same. Only a few kindred spirits were allowed to shine a light into the darkness of Jake's heart. I was one of those people, and I appreciated it.
"Jake?" I played with the bubbles floating on the surface of the water as I spoke.
"Hmm?" His response resonated in his chest as a hum.
"Why...me?"
Whatever sculpture he was making out of bubbles on my head was abandoned as the words left my lips. He took a deep, steady breath. I felt him shrug his shoulders as he started to add to his masterpiece on my head.
"You're special."
"Special how?" I palmed another mountain of bubbles.
"I don't know. You just are." Jacob thoughtfully spoke. His words chosen methodically.
I could have pried for a better answer, but even that little bit made my heart stammer in my chest.
"What are you doing?" I cocked my eyebrow and tilted my head trying to see what he was going on my head.
"Fixing your hair." Jacob's deep voice bounded. "You are going to look just ma'velous after I'm done with you girlfriend." He spoke sassily with a bit of a lisp.
"Uhm…" I sat up. "I'm not sure that I'm willing to take a bubble bath with my hair dresser."
"Sit your ass back." Jake gripped my shoulders and pulled me back with a splash. My head landed against his chest, and I titled it up so that I could look into his beautifully black eyes. I found a grin sprawled across Jake's full plump lips. That grin caused an army of butterflies to set flight in my stomach. Placing his thumb and forefinger on my chin, Jake lifted my lips barely enough to reach his own. Just before he pressed his lips to mine, he glanced to the bubbles on my head and chuckled. "I'm sorry. I can't take you seriously like this."
"Like what?" I puzzled, lifting my hand to my head.
"Mohawk's aren't your thing in case you were wondering." Jake laughed. My shocked expression as my hand hit a six inch gathering of bubbles on top of my head sent Jacob into a fit of laughter. His chest shook as he cackled. He leaned far back against the back of the tub, stretching his lean muscular body as it constricted with laughter.
Embarrassment crept up my neck and to my cheeks, but I couldn't hold back the laughter rolling around in my belly. There was something about watching Jake be so carefree and happy that made my heart swell to the point that I could feel it ricocheting off my ribcage. He was beautiful when he laughed. The lines his smile created brightened his already intriguing features. I was sure there was nothing about him that was unattractive, and I was lucky, so very lucky, that this man wanted me. In that moment, it stopped mattering what the status of our relationship was. He was comfort. He was warmth. He was love. He was happiness. He was my best friend and lover. He was my heart. Jacob Black had become so many things to me that the need for him to take another position in my life faded. Jake was exactly who he needed to be. And I was thankful for that.
Once our laughs had slowed to giggles and the warm water started to cool, I slid to the end of the tub. Water splashed over the edges, cascading down like a waterfall. The bubbles we had been bathing in floated in lakes of water on the tiled floor leaving sporadic mountains of foam in the tub. Lifting the stopper, I allowed a few inches of water to drain. When I was satisfied with the lower water level, I dropped the stopper and spun the hot water knob, reveling in the warmth heating the now cool water. Jake groaned and rested his head against the tiled wall. He closed his eyes and reached out with open arms. I shut the water off and slipped my hands into his, allowing him to pull my chest against his. Jacob ran his hand across my head, removing the leftover mound of my bubble Mohawk. His hands slid down my slippery, sud covered back and into the water. One hand lost all contact with my skin while the other rested gently against my naked hip.
I watched Jake breathe in relaxing breaths and then pressed my ear against his chest. The air met his lungs with airy wisps. The sound lulled me into a state of utter repose. Tension, worry, hurt, defeat – all left with each exhale, and with every inhale came peace, serenity, comfort, and hope.
There are moments in life when everything cohesively comes together. And there are moments in life when everything collides head-on. While the latter is more dramatic, more intriguing to some, it's the cohesiveness, the meshing, the peaceful tranquility between you and someone else that braids your souls together. That peaceful tranquility is rare and hard to find; it's not about your interests, your hobbies, or your upbringing. It's about the exactness of the others soul compared to your own. It's about your other half filling that emptiness inside.
I was in that moment. I was living it, breathing it. It was easy. It was kind. It was patient and true. Every regret, every tear, every fear grew fainter with each passing second until there were no such things.
"Bella," Jake cleared the relaxation from his throat. "I want you to come with me when… if I get drafted."
I sighed into his beautiful russet skin. "You'll get drafted, Jake. I have no doubt about that."
"I hope so." His voice quivered just slightly.
"You will. Don't worry about it. I have faith in you." I wiped away a patch of bubbles in the center of his chest and kissed his skin softly.
Jacob's hand pushed up my back and came to a rest between my shoulder blades. His thumb swiped across the skin there. "Will you, though? Come with me?"
"I'd love to Jake," I stopped.
"But…" I heard the frustration in his voice.
"But I have a great job in Forks. Alex is ready to hand me the director of instruction and activities position. That's not just a position I can apply for anywhere else." I titled my head up, watching Jacob's reaction. He watched me speak, his eyes firmly planted on my lips. "If I go to a different state, a different aquarium, I'm going to take a huge demotion."
His brows pulled taut. "I like having you around. I like you being here."
"I need to live my life too, ya know? I can't just follow my best friend around all the time."
"But what if I'm drafted to play somewhere just as far away? You still won't consider it?"
"I don't think you can get any further from me than Florida." I jokingly laughed.
"I'm serious!" Jake grumbled. His agitation came out as a roll of his eyes.
"I don't want you to be any further away. I want to be as close to you as I can be, but without having to sacrifice my career, my life in the process. Does that make sense?" I asked.
Jacob nodded, but his eyes were off somewhere in the distance. I hoped I hadn't said anything wrong. I hoped that I hadn't pushed him away just when it felt like he was getting closer. Worry and rejection covered Jake's native features. And as he snapped back into the present, he sat up, inadvertently pushing me to my knees. As our skin lost contact, Jake brought both of his hands to my waist and pulled me toward him. His lips sought out mine and he fervently kissed me.
One of Jake's hands followed the curve of my waist and the roundness of my hips until he reached my thigh, it was then that he gripped it and pulled it until my leg was wrapped around his waist. Just as his other hand slid down my other side to do the same to my other leg, Jacob brought the fingers of his opposite hand to the back of my neck and pressed his forehead to mine.
"I can't lose you." Jacob said into my lips. His black as black eyes bored a hole through mine.
"You're not going to." I shook my head as I answered and placed my mouth upon his, my tongue seeking out the revelry of his.
Softly, Jake groaned into my kiss. His tongue retreated to his mouth and mine to my own. I whimpered at the loss of contact, but brushed our noses together ease the loss.
"Promise?" He asked, a genuine concern thick in his voice.
"I swear." I whispered softly against his plump lips as they grazed together with every Eskimo kiss.
Taking the initiative, Jacob circled his arms around me – one hand firmly pressed against the small of my back and the other drifted upward to my hair. His fingers tightened around the strands as he pushed our lips together in an anxious kiss. He kissed me as though I was the oxygen that filled his lungs and he was suffocating.
Desperation poured from his lips and onto mine. There was something he needed to say, something that worried him beyond all comprehension, and it was that something that flooded him with desperate need. His hips pressed up against me. The frantic ache Jacob had for me throbbed against my most delicate parts. His tongue dove deep inside my mouth and desperately sought out mine. The firm hold he had on me tightened. The palms of his hands flexed and then released as his fingers massaged the muscles of my back.
Our lips parted as Jacob brought his head back enough to stare up into my eyes. With his large russet hands, he pressed his palm against my back, lifting my hips just far enough to align himself with my womanhood. With a focused gaze, Jacob slowly but steadily entered me. His mouth fell ajar. A strangled whimper creaked out of my throat.
It had been so long since I had felt him with no barrier, no protection, that a passion fueled fire ignited in me. No amount of reason could control it. There would be no extinguishing of the flames that torched any thought except the feel of him stretching me and filling me. I was burning from the inside out. Heat and ecstasy controlled my every breath, thought, and movement.
In Jacob's eyes, I watched that same fire burn. And when I swiveled my hips just slightly a low, feral groan rolled out of his throat and past his already parted lips. He squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath. The hand that had been on the small of my back gripped my hip and tightened.
"Don't move." He whispered. "I can't…" He took another deep breath and held it for a moment. I took advantage of his vulnerability and circled my hips once more. "God, Bella." He swallowed thickly and tried to steady his breath. "Give me a second."
Giggling softly, I smirked and leaned my mouth to his. Jacob's grip tightened on my hip at the miniscule movements I had unintentionally made. I knew he was losing control and that was perfectly okay with me. This time it was about him, about what he wanted to say… what he needed to say, but couldn't.
"Show me." I begged against his lips. I needed to feel the desperation in him. I needed to know how he felt, and if sex was the only way he could show it, then I had to allow him to truly express his feelings.
Jacob cupped my cheeks and pressed his forehead against mine. Leaving a chaste kiss on my lips, Jacob pushed inside of me. I worked my hips slowly but vigorously in conjunction with his. His thrusts were smooth, hard, and desperate. His touch was delicate and tender. His stare fully upon mine. Our bodies were as close as two people could be, but yet for him it didn't seem to be enough.
With gasping breaths, Jacob closed his eyes. His cheeks flushed pink. A myriad of emotions crossed his face. His onyx eyes fluttered open and what I found there was nothing short of miraculous. Instead of walls and barriers, I was roaming free on a mountain of bubbles. Clouds soared above me. The wind whistled and swirled encompassing me with love. It wasn't just any love. It was the truest and most profound of loves. It was unconditional and full of purpose. It was raw and untamed.
There was a desperate need to keep me in his world, behind every wall and barrier he'd ever had. And with every desperate push and pull, Jacob took me further into the recesses of his soul, setting every last inch of my skin on fire.
My body grinded against Jacob's. Our climax just a finger breadth away. But, I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to leave this place full of love. I didn't want the walls to alienate me from the world inside of him. Because, there, I could feel him. I could feel every last inch of myself being surrounded by his loving embrace and his careful thoughts.
Tears sprang to my eyes. I fought to hold them back, but their purpose was far more important than my pride. As they dripped from my eyes, Jacob watched them roll down my lust-blushed cheeks. His bottom lip shook as his movements became more desperate, sporadic. Jacob wanted me to stay in that world too, and without the raw and untamed moment we were in, he would be lost as to how. Pulling his bottom lip into his mouth, Jacob bit down to try to stop the quaking, but the biting didn't help. Instead his lip slipped free and trembled nervously. He looked back into my eyes, his gaze intense and free. After locking me in his desperate, emotionally-charged stare, Jacob gave into the fate of the situation. Resting his head against my neck, Jacob gingerly began to pound into me.
My body stuttered, shivered, and vibrated with every swift thrust of his hips. My toes curled. My fingers dug into the skin of Jacob's back, and as I exhaled a quivering breath, the tension in my muscles disappeared as they jerked and convulsed in rapture. The more I convulsed and squeezed, the less control Jacob had on his movements. Deep, throaty growls rumbled through him. Desperately, Jake kissed and nipped at my neck, no doubt trying to distract himself from the way our bodies moved so cohesively. But nothing he did could keep him from the inevitable end.
His fingertips dug into my flesh. His growls turned to gasps for air and a second later, his throat opened up to a loud satisfactory moan. Jacob twitched with each gasping breath. His heart pounded rapidly against my chest.
As a cloud of bliss fell upon the two of us, our bodies relaxed. Jacob leaned against the back of the tub, his arms still tightly wound around me. With my ear to his chest, I listened to his heart rate come back to normal and felt the walls start to rebuild themselves, not out of habit but fear.
That night sleep whisked me away. My dreams were filled with sunshine, love, and warm wind. Jake tossed and turned throughout the night, and I was thankful that his bed was so big. Even with the size of the bed, Jake's flops, flips, and huffs woke me from my slumber more often than not. It was well into the morning, probably five or so, when I felt a finger jab my ribs. I kept my eyes tightly shut and swatted away the hand that was poking me.
"Bella." Jake whispered. His finger jabbed me another dozen or so times. "Are you awake?"
"No." I grumbled, folding my arm over my face. "I'm not."
"Then why are you talking?"
Rhetorical questions annoyed me, especially when I was trying to sleep. So, I ignored the constant jabs to my ribs and his silly question. And as much as I wanted to be aggravated, annoyed, and angry with him, Jacob made it entirely impossible. Not only was he jabbing me in the ribs with his thick, strong finger, but he was whining like a puppy who needed attention. I remembered the way he used to whine as a kid and that sad pathetic look on his face – the one where his bottom lip jutted out and his forehead wrinkled with determination. I knew he was making that face. I could see it in my mind, but I couldn't keep from taking one glance. Lifting my arm just slightly, I peeked around my elbow to see Jacob's pouty lip and a pair of bright onyx eyes staring at me. He whined again and then sniffed back a pretend cry.
"Oh god, you're pathetic." I covered my eyes, knowing that I wouldn't be able to fight his cute pouty face if I looked at it any longer. "How old are you again?"
"Twenty-two." Jake answered then returned to his pouty face.
"Are you sure about that?" I peaked around my arm again and just as I did, he pushed his bottom lip out once more. Quickly I covered my eyes.
Instead of answering, Jake whined even louder. This time his whine was higher pitched and made my heart constrict. "Fine! I'm up." I uncovered my eyes fully. Jacob smiled, victoriously. "What do you want at five in the morning?"
"Let's go to the beach." Jacob brushed a strand of my hair off of my forehead.
"Did you hear the part about it being five in the morning?"
Jake sheepishly nodded. "Yeah, but… Bells today is the day that I find out if I'm drafted or not. Today is the day that my career is chosen for me. And I'm dying."
I laughed. "You're not dying. It's called anticipation, nervousness, anxiety."
"I know what it's called. I just… I can't sit in this apartment all day long and wait for my agent to call. I have to keep my mind off of it." Jacob rolled to his back. He brought one arm up behind his head while the other hand sought out refuge in mine. He pushed his fingers into the spaces between mine, and I could feel the shake in them.
"What time are they supposed to call?" I squeezed his hand and scooted closer to him. I rested my head against his bicep. My free hand traced the outline of his abdominal muscles.
"I don't know. Could be nine in the morning or five in the evening. It just depends on when I get drafted and where I go." Jacob's voice lowered.
Thoughtful silence passed. Time ticked away, and I was surprised in the way my presence seemed to comfort Jacob – even if it were only just a little bit. I could understand his need to leave the apartment and make the time pass as quickly as he could. Traveling to the beach would get his mind off of things. Or maybe it would even help him think more clearly. Either way, I was going to give in to his idea – even at five in the morning.
After an uneventful drive to Jacksonville Beach, Jacob and I found a naked spot on the sand far away from anyone or anything. The dark night sky started to glow orange, red, and yellow, illuminating the almost black water. Jake spread out a blanket we'd brought with us. I sat with my legs crossed under me while Jake sat eerily close, his shoulder brushing against mine, with his arms looped around his bent knees. The long black strands of ponytail tickled at my unclothed arms with each gust of wind. And every time the wind blew, his warm, masculine musk circled me. His smell, the brush of his arm against mine, the rising sun, and the perfect feeling in my heart had me settle my head on his shoulder with a sigh.
"What are you sighing about?" Jake asked. His voice was full of peace.
"I'm…" I smiled, "happy."
"Yeah." Jake agreed and rested his head on mine. "Me too."
"I never thought we would be this good." I stated my eyes staring toward the glowing water.
"I know what you mean." He paused for a second. "It can always get better."
His statement haunted me with its peculiar truth. The only way things could be any better was if he told me that he loved me, just like I knew he did. I wasn't going to push him, because there would be no victory in a spiteful "I love you." I wanted him to voluntarily tell me. It had to be his own freewill; otherwise, I would be left feeling like he settled. And Jake didn't deserve to settle. He deserved the world. And he was about to receive it. I was ninety-nine percent sure that sometime today our happiness would be torn to shreds with a simple phone call. As much as I had played off not caring about how far away Jacob would be, it truly bothered me. I wanted to go with him. I wanted it so badly, but not without those three little words. Those words would change my life – either way.
Comfortably and peacefully, Jake and I watched the sunrise. The oceanic sounds amplified the easiness of it all. It lulled the doubts in my heart. There was so much beauty in the moment. How do you properly explain the perfectness of being next to the other half of yourself? I didn't feel like I had to talk, to share. It was simple, easy, beautiful, kind. Being with your soul-mate was like time standing still. It was a peaceful serenity that bellowed with love and happiness.
I pondered how Jake felt for a second or two, but then he let out a heavy lung full of air and lifted his arm around my shoulders. Jacob tugged me into his side, protecting me from the elements of the outside world. I adjusted my head on his shoulder as he adjusted his head on mine.
"You know…I care about you right?" Jacob whispered quietly. His words were as light as the air he breathed.
I did know he cared about me. And hearing him say it sent a flood of love through my veins. That statement was as close as I would get to hearing him say "I love you". Jake just didn't say things like that. I rarely heard him speak those words, and the times I had… he followed it up with something about our friendship. We were far past the definition of a friendship, and if I heard him mention one thing about us just being friends, I was sure that I would fall out of this peace I had been cocooned in.
"Yes." I answered.
A few minutes passed before he said anything else. "And you care about me right?"
Fear strickened me. I knew if I opened my lips, then I would tell him just how much I cared. But, I couldn't do that to him. Why? Because he was about to have his biggest dreams come true. Jacob was about to be drafted into the NFL, and I did not want to be that one thing that pulled him down. I did not want to be that girl who kept the love of her life from doing what he was so desperately meant to do. I wasn't going to hold him back, not in the slightest. So, I nodded, my head shaking exuberantly.
"That makes me happy." Jake tilted his head and kissed my forehead. Love seeping through his lips and into my skin. The air electrified as he pressed his lips harder against my head instead of pulling them away. They tightened firmly as if he were keeping words at bay. My heart tripled its pace. I exhaled hard and fast, allowing tears to spring to my eyes as a smile spread across my cheeks. Knowing that my caring made him happy, well, it shut-up those hateful doubts and fear. It settled the back-and-forth in my heart. It eased the ache for those words – for now.
We rested on the sand for hours watching the sun rise higher and higher in the sky. As it did, Jacob and I adjusted our positions until we were lying on our backs. The Florida heat soon became too unbearable, so Jacob rented a jet ski. Once we were changed and I had applied plenty of sunscreen, Jacob took us out onto the water. The spray of the ocean water cooled my scorching skin. I reveled in the feel of being surrounded by the very things I loved the most on the world: Jacob and all things oceanic. The smile on my face couldn't be removed not even when Jacob hit a wave from the side, tossing me from the back. I, simply, laughed and bobbed in the water while Jacob quickly returned.
"God. Bells, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" His expression showed the concern leaking in his voice.
"I'm fine, Jake. I promise." I laughed. He reached out his hand for me and pulled me onto the back of the jet ski again.
"Alright." He said. "Just don't do that again. Hold on tighter if you have to."
With that said, I took his offer for granted and held onto his waist so tightly that he had to wiggle his hips to regain circulation. He chuckled at my hold and revved the jet ski pushing us both back with forceful vengeance. Luckily, I held on firmly until the jet ski tugged us forward at speeds that had me gasping for air and burying my head into Jacob's back.
Come mid-day, we found a cozy little restaurant by the boardwalk for lunch. We talked like best friends would, but under the table his hand reached out for me. He laced our fingers together, and when he did, I couldn't help but blush. The fact that no one else knew that he was holding my hand or that the night before we had made passionate love in a bubble bath or that at any minute our time together could be cut short because of his future career was exhilarating. I felt special, like I was that one thing in his life that he needed, but no one else could know. It was a crazy thought, really, but I liked it because those theories made me more than just a friend.
After lunch, we headed to the boardwalk. Carnival rides, games, and food were on nearly every inch of the boardwalk. Jacob found haven in a game room. I watched him beat nearly every game in the building, winning so many tickets that my arms, his pockets, and hands were full. As we left, Jacob spied a little dark-haired girl playing a Whack-A-Mole game. She wasn't quite fast enough to hit one mole let alone the five that kept popping up. But she was determined, her tiny face scrunched as she waited patiently for each mole to pop-up. Jacob tilted his head just slightly to the side while he watched. He looked back at me and cocked his eyebrow. His smile spread wide across his face as he motioned for my armful of tickets we were never going to cash in. I handed the tickets over, and my heart melted into a gooey puddle.
Just when the game came to a stop and it spit out only one ticket, Jacob knelt next to the little girl and cleared his throat.
"Woah! Look at that!" Jake pointed at the score above the game. "That's a pretty good score."
"Thanks!" The girl giggled, obviously swooning over Jake's good looks and smile-of-gold.
"I bet you all these tickets that I can't beat that score."
The little girl's bright blue eyes widened. She looked over the mound of tickets in his arms and then back to a woman I suppose was her mother, who was sitting on a bench just a few feet away. A smile and a wink from the girl's mom was all the encouragement she needed. She stuck her hand out, shaking on the bet like some gambling addict would.
"My daddy says if you shake on a bet, then you can't go back on it." She spouted off stepping way from the machine allowing Jacob to step in and push in his last two tokens.
What I saw next was the funniest but sweetest site I had ever seen. Jacob pretended to try is hardest. His tongue stuck out of the corner of his mouth. He fumbled with the mallet, unable to keep it in his hand. He jumped when the moles popped up and sighed when they went back down. Every so often, Jake made sure to tap a mole on the head. To celebrate he and the little girl would high five and then he'd "forget" he was playing the game and try to catch back up by hitting all of the holes that no moles were coming from. By the end of the little charade, Jacob was just one point behind the girl he'd befriended. Once the game was over, Jacob whispered something into the little girl's ear that made her eyes light up. He, then, emptied his pockets, shook the mother's hand, and made his way to me, pecking my cheek with a gentle kiss.
The rest of the day flew by in a flash. We rode nearly every carnival ride they had, everything from the creaky, rusted Ferris wheel to the smelly, whiplash encouraging bumper cars to the mosquito infested mini-golf. Jacob had succeeded in taking his own mind off of the phone call he should be receiving any time. The later on in the day it became, the more distant both Jacob and I became to the other. While we shared an ice cream cone, Jacob dug his phone from his pocket and tossed it on the table between us. His hand rested on the top of the phone.
"Jake." I glanced around for a moment to make sure no one was watching and then placed my hand over his. "They'll call."
"How can you be so positive?" Jake grumbled licking at the chocolate vanilla swirl ice cream. He flexed his jaws and squinted his eyes staring at the napkin surrounding the cone.
"Because I have faith in you." I smiled as a gust of warm wind blew around me almost pleading with me to continue. "And because you're amazing at what you do. That field is where you're supposed to be. It's where your heart is. Nothing will ever get in the way of that."
Taking the cone from his hand, I licked at the vanilla parts. When I pulled the cone away, a dribble of melted chocolate ice cream trickled onto my lips. I released Jake's hand and covered my mouth, licking at the leftovers. Satisfied that I had gotten the chocolate from my lips, I dropped my hand. Jake watched my hand fall. The closer my hand came to the table the further he leaned toward my lips until I could feel his hot breath.
"Missed some." He gently pressed his lips to mine. The tip of his tongue flirtingly slid across my bottom lip ever-so-lightly causing a chill to run down my spine.
"Thanks." I blearily responded.
"Where do you want to go now?" Jacob sat back down on his stool as though nothing happened. We glanced around trying to figure out our next destination. Both of our eyes rested on a billboard across the boardwalk.
GRAND OPENING: Ripley's Aquarium. Take Exit 39 & Follow the signs.
On the drive to Ripley's Aquarium, Jacob kept his phone accessible, always within a seconds reach. His fingers nervously tapped on the steering wheel. It was a gesture that I normally found annoying, but today it was endearing. Jake rarely showed emotion unless it was on the extreme side. The fact that he was comfortable enough to express his nervousness and his need for me over the past couple of months threw me into this epitome of love. I suppose that's why my moods had changed and why I constantly smiled around him. He was starting to make my face hurt.
The entire drive was silent except for the random hip-hop songs playing on the radio. While Jacob drove us to our destination in his own little world, I bobbed my head to the rhythm of the music. It helped me from over thinking the possible situation of Jacob permanently being so far away. That thought was growing in my brain, and the more thinking I did, the worse I felt. So, music was a welcome distraction.
At Ripley's Aquarium, Jacob refused to let me pay, insisting that everything was on him. And he meant it. Drinks, snacks, random memorabilia, and a crazy giant stuffed whale that reminded me of Elaina later, distant Jacob clutched the whale in one arm and his phone in the same hand as we entered the giant glass tunnel. Just a few feet into the mouth of the glass tunnel, I was surrounded and engulfed with the under-water world that mesmerized me. My skin glowed aqua from the reflection of the nearly three hundred and sixty degree tank that I was standing in. Brightly colored reef fish swam around a brilliantly colorful growing reef. Larger fish weaved their way around the smaller fish. Floating and resting on the bottom were giant sting ray that seemed to be larger than me. And as I looked up, a hammerhead shark swam straight over my head. I laughed in excitement and awe.
Bright-eyed, I looked back toward the mouth of the tunnel where Jacob had seemingly stopped. He stared straight at me. A smirk worked at the corner of his mouth. Easing across his face was a somber and peaceful expression. Warmth exuded him and almost hit me with vengeance. I reached out my hand, asking him to take it, to accept me and take me. And without words, Jake nodded his head and stepped forward. Halfway between the mouth of the tunnel and me, Jacob's phone began to vibrate. His eyebrows shot up and his eyes dropped to his phone. Jake tossed the giant whale to me and with shaking fingers, he answered the call we both had been waiting for.
My stomach flipped. My heart sank to my feet. My excitement dwindled to nearly nonexistent. The positive attitude I had previously disappeared in a moment's thought.
This was it. This was the moment when I would feel Jacob slip through my fingers. The happiness, the love, the joy we were experiencing would become temporary. He'd forget about me. He'd move on to someone who had the guts to tell him how she felt. He'd find a girl who could offer him more than I could. Jacob would become this infinitely rich and famous football star, who only visited his home, his friends when something bad happened. I would be a distant memory.
As much as I wanted to believe what fear was telling me, I couldn't. That wasn't Jacob. I had more faith in him than that. He wouldn't forget me. He wouldn't forget where he came from. His heart and soul was better than his ego. Jacob had grown since high school. College life had taught him plenty of lessons, lessons that maybe I didn't even realize. Being away from home had changed Jacob. Maybe, just maybe, he could find it in him to stay the same.
Glancing toward Jake, I swallowed thickly. His broad back was to me. He was chatting away with, I assumed, his agent. And just as I was about to look away, Jacob jumped two feet in the air. His fist pumped in celebration.
He had been drafted. I knew that he would. And so, I smiled.
Jake spun on his heel. A bright, cheerful, ecstatic smile brightened nearly the entire tunnel. His eyes sparkled. I had never seen him this happy, this proud. Proud, he should be. I was proud of him too, but I couldn't fight the sinking feeling inside of me. I didn't want him to see my reserve, so I turned my attention back to the tank surrounding me. The peacefulness of the ocean world soothed away a bit of my pain.
"Yeah. Okay. No. I understand. Alright. Let me talk it over with…Yes. Okay man. Talk to you soon." Jacob's phone beeped when he ended the call.
I could hear the shuffle of his feet against the floor. Quickly, I plastered my happiness for him across my face in the form of a smile and suppressed my unease into a large ball seated in my stomach. Just as I settled the sickening feeling, I pressed my face into my giant stuffed Elaina and breathed. I could do this. I could be happy for him. I just had to let my selfishness go.
I whipped around with a giant grin on my face. "SO?"
Jake tried to fight the smile on his lips, but at last it had won. "Pittsburg."
Pennsylvania. At least it was a little bit closer than Florida.
"The Steelers? Wow, Jake that's," The ball of unease unraveled like a ball of yarn, and as it did, tears sprang to my eyes. Without permission, they fell down my cheeks, "great."
"Thanks." He shrugged. The smile fell from Jake's face the moment he saw the tears. "Bells," he sighed taking me into a hug, but the giant stuffed whale was in the way. He grabbed it roughly and sat it on the railing along the tank. Jacob's warm, muscular arms surrounded me. He squeezed me tightly. "I know it's far away."
I nodded.
"But," Jacob pulled back and cupped my cheeks with his palms, "come with me."
"I can't." I sniffed back a sob. I was trying my damnedest to not ruin his moment. "I'm so happy for you, Jake! You'll be amazing. I know you will."
"Why can't you?" He ignored my compliment. His eyes squeezed in together in confusion.
"We already talked about this."
"But Bella…I…"
Instead of allowing him the moment to wipe away all of my will, I pressed my lips firmly against his, kissing him with every last drop of happiness I had for him. I shushed whatever he had to say and in that moment, I chose to remove myself from the equation.
"C'mon! We need to celebrate!" I declared as my lips parted his, but Jacob stood still. He shook his head no.
"We need to talk about this." Jacob said.
"We will, but not right now. You just got the most amazing news of your life. Let's go celebrate!" I smiled brightly, chastely kissed him again, and laced my fingers through his. I squeezed his hand tightly and tugged at his arm. Reluctantly, Jacob released the stubbornness holding him and jogged with me toward the exit of the aquarium.
"I'm calling Riley on the way!" I excitedly exclaimed, but Jake said nothing. Instead, he remained reserved about the whole issue, which left me feeling guilty.
The ride home was guilt ridden. I regretted allowing my tears to fall in front of him. I felt horrible for taking one of the most important moments of his life and turning it into something bad. I was guilty of being that girl I wished not to be. Before I could start hating myself for it, I spoke up, apologizing for the way I reacted.
"I'm sorry that I didn't act excited." I adjusted the vent so that the air-conditioning blew directly onto my now burning chest and neck.
"S'okay." Jacob flatly replied. He shrugged his shoulders and shifted the car into fifth gear.
"No, it's not." I replied. "I shouldn't have cried like that."
"You didn't cry, Bells. It was just a few tears. No big deal." Jake flipped his signal, got over into the fast-lane, and passed the slower car in front of us.
I rolled my eyes. Why was he being so frustrating? "You're being frustrating. I'm trying to apologize and you're just shrugging it off."
Jacob sighed and reached over, placing his fingers into the spaces between mine. "I'm not shrugging it off. I understand. You're worried that I'm going to be off banging whichever chick spreads her legs for me. And you're worried that I'm going to change. I get it. My agent warned me about stuff like that. You just have to trust me, Bells."
"I'm really trying to, Jake. I promise I am." I stared down to our hands. The way they fit together, the touch of his warm skin against mine, the resonating memory from earlier in the day when Jacob told me that he cared about me pushed down the sadness and mistrust.
"I know you are."
"I was just hoping for something closer."
"I know." He quickly responded. "I was too." Jacob's hand squeezed mine. "I can't convince you to come with me can I?" Jake peaked over at me out of the corner of his eye.
I shook my head no.
"There's nothing I can do to make you want come with me?" His brow lifted in question.
I shrugged and called myself a coward under my breath. "I want to come with you, but I can't."
"Of course you can!" Jake exclaimed, a smile breaking free at my confession.
"I can't, Jake. Just leave it at that."
Maybe I had turned into the girl who ruined the best moment of her best friend's life. Maybe I was the girl who was causing him guilt and frustration, because I didn't want him to stay so far from me. But, I still wouldn't force him to tell me he loved me. That was wrong, and telling him that I loved him, well, that would only guilt trip him into telling me the same. I couldn't live with myself if that happened. So, I stayed quiet the rest of the ride to Jake's apartment.
I half expected Riley to have a full blown party with strippers, liquor, and "Black & Yellow" blaring through the stereo when we arrived, but I was only half wrong. While there were no strippers, Riley had been playing Wiz Khalifa's "Black & Yellow" on the stereo. As we walked through the door, hand-in-hand, Riley and a half dozen other's cheered and congratulated Jake on his accomplishment of becoming a professional football player. Jacob boldly laughed and thanked everyone for coming. He even changed his t-shirt to a black Steelers one. His happiness and cheer had returned the moment he'd forgotten about my anguish and sadness. And for him, I would put it aside as well.
"Here," Riley tossed me a bright yellow t-shirt. "Let's go put this on."
I caught the t-shirt and cocked my brow, just like Jake would do. "I don't need your help changing."
"Hush." He placed his hand on the back of my neck and led me toward the bathroom. When I tried to go in by myself, Riley pushed past the door and shut it behind him. "Now, how do you really feel about this?"
I rolled my eyes and turned around. "I'm changing now. If you want to see what color my bra is, then stay. If not, then I suggest you leave now."
"That bad, huh?"
I lifted my shirt over my head. "No not that bad. I'm happy for him."
"Sure you are." Riley retorted. "As happy as a rabbit in a wolf den."
"Shut up." I grumbled holding the yellow Pittsburg t-shirt up. It was simple with black lettering that said STEELERS across the front. I flipped it over and looked at the back of it. BLACK'S BFF in white lettering read across the back. I sighed and let my guard down a bit while I pulled the t-shirt over my head. "I'm trying to be happy for him."
"I know you're happy for him, Bella." Riley's hands cupped my shoulders. He spun me around and then sat on the edge of the tub. "But, it doesn't make you happy, does it?"
Tears filled my eyes. I shook my head no. "All of this just worries me. I mean…we're not going to last much longer if we stay this far apart."
"So go with him." Riley stated almost as though he didn't believe I wouldn't.
"I can't, Riley!"
"Why can't you?" He crossed his arms over the black t-shirt that had read PITTSBURG across the chest in bright yellow letters.
"You know why." I mimicked his crossed arms.
"Inform me again, Bells, because I don't know one good reason why you wouldn't!"
I uncrossed my arms and squeezed my fists. "What I want is more than he's willing to give. I can't just follow him like some lost puppy. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to walk out this door and do the label you've provided me justice. I'm going to be happy, chipper, fun, and give him everything he wants."
"He wants you." Riley's thick Australian accent boomed loudly in my ears.
"I know he does, but he has to tell me. I'm not going to make him."
"For fuck's sake. You two are driving me up the god damned wall. I can't deal with it anymore. Fuck psychology!" Riley stood from his seat on the edge of the tub, jerked the door open, and stomped down the hall. On the back of his t-shirt in bright yellow letters read "BLACK'S OTHER BFF".
A few seconds later, Jacob appeared in the doorway of the bathroom with two beers in his hand. He reached one out to me as I pulled a brush through my hair. I took it and sat it down before turning and showing Jake the front of my shirt.
"Nice." He tipped his bottle toward me.
I turned and pointed to the lettering on the back. Jake let out a laugh.
"I take that back. This shirt is fucking phenomenal." Jake stepped inside the bathroom, shutting the door behind him, and wrapped one arm around my midsection. He pressed his lips to the side of my head. "I like you wearing my name."
Laced through that statement was a deeper meaning. I could hear it in Jacob's voice, but I didn't quite understand what he meant. All I knew was that it made my heart pitter-patter in my chest. I smiled brightly, happiness oozing through my veins again. Jacob stared at our reflection in the mirror. He bit into his full bottom lip before he tilted his head down and kissed my shoulder. "C'mere."
I turned in his arms. I cradled his face in my hands and brushed my nose against his. "I'm so proud of you." My lips brushed his as I spoke.
"Thanks." He whispered. The smell of liquor and beer mixed in my nostrils. Jake must have been celebrating a bit more than me, and I was okay with that. It was well deserved. "I'm proud of me too. And a little excited."
"Just a little?" I titled my head to the side in question.
"Hmm…" His lips pushed together. "Yeah. Just a little. I'd be more excited if you would come with me." Jacob licked his lips and stared down to mine. "Will you come with me?"
I shook my head no. I leaned in and gently kissed his glistening bottom lip.
His breath hitched. "There's nothing I can do to persuade you?"
I shrugged. "Maybe."
"Tell me. Whatever it is, I'll do it," Jake gazed into my eyes, hugging my soul with his, "for you."
In that moment, I could have asked him to tell me that he loved me. And I was convinced that he would have. He had had just enough to drink. But that victory wouldn't be a victory at all. Instead of opening my mouth, I pressed mine against his, my tongue seeking the warm refuge of his.
Within passing minutes, Jacob had yanked both of our shorts off and had nestled himself deep inside of me. The cold porcelain of the sink pressed against my ass, leaving deep indentations on my cheeks as I rose and fell with every vigorous pound. Jake panted into the nape of my neck. I dug my fingernails into the skin of his.
Our stares fiercely locked the both of us in an exotic trance while our bodies played out the emotions we so desperately wanted to say. I clutched onto Jacob as though he were about to disappear, and Jacob squeezed me against him as if it were the last chance he'd ever get to feel this close to me. The longer we were locked in that enticing gaze, the harder Jacob shoved into me. My legs tightened around his waist as they wobbled with intense pleasure. That intense pleasure was superseded when Jake released inside of me. With a throat clenching moan, my walls constricted around him hurdling me toward a place of utter bliss. Jake released his grip on my hips. His forehead pressed roughly against my shoulder as he tried to catch his breath. My head fell back against the mirror behind us as I tried to ease the burning in my lungs from the lack of oxygen.
"Can you two stop fucking long enough to celebrate?" Riley pounded on the bathroom door.
I laughed in embarrassment. Jacob grumbled and stepped back pulling his underwear and shorts on. I rolled my eyes and hopped off of the sink onto wobbly legs. I winced as my panties and shorts rubbed against my crotch. "Ow."
Jacob chuckled in response. I glared at him. "What?" He innocently threw his arms to the side. "I didn't hear any complaints."
Riley huffed at the door.
"Be out in a minute." Jacob answered his huffing roommate.
"He always has the worst timing."
"I heard that Miss Black!" Riley's fist hit the door once more.
My eyes widened. I held my breath. My stomach rolled in on itself. Panic flooded my veins. I couldn't do anything but stare at Jake, whose expression was less astonishing than mine. A smirk quirked up on the right side of Jacob's mouth while he buttoned his shorts.
"Of course you did, Mr. Eaves-Dropper!" Jacob yelled back, laughter thick in his throat.
"Hey. I'm throwing a party in your honor! The least you could do is show your pretty fucking face." Riley joked.
Jacob glanced up and winked at me. Then, he proceeded to dash toward the door and yank it open as quickly as he could. "We all know I got a pretty face, but you sure as fuck have a pretty mouth. Mmhmm."
"I'll make you squeal like a little pig." Riley wriggled his eyebrows at Jake. He stepped backward, pretended to place his hand on an invisible ass, and thrusted his hips forcefully into said invisible ass in front of him. All the while, Jacob began to squeal like a pig.
"Oh. God." I laughed, burying my face in my hands. "You two are… horrible."
Their banter continued throughout most of the night. Jacob celebrated with friends and strangers. The more he spoke of Pittsburg, the wider his smile became until it nearly lit up the entire room. I stood beside him and watched him become more excited and then I watched from afar, enjoying his laugh, his smile, and his exaggerated expressions. With every smile, encouraging word, and exciting high five he received, the further I felt from him. It was as though with each passing minute Jacob forgot La Push, the reservation, his family, and me.
My over active mind swallowed my rationality. I was panicking. The more I panicked, the less I was aware of Jacob's glances or gestures for me to celebrate with him. Instead, I scooted my feet against the hard wood flooring until I had backed into Jake's bedroom door. My fingers latched onto the door knob and twisted.
I pulled my feet under me as I sat in the middle of Jake's king size bed. My stomach twisted in knots, tumbling in on itself. Fear took over then, my palms sweating and my mouth growing dry. I could barely breathe the burning air that met my lungs. Tears clouded my eyes as every last fear of mine materialized.
I would be but a long forgotten memory to Jacob. I would not matter. He would not care.
And then what? Who would I share my life with? Who would need me? Where would I find another person that would make me feel the way thinking about Jacob did?
My heart raced in my chest. My brain over worked itself until I could think no more. A dull ache pulsed at my temples.
I tried to focus on the positives. I tried to remember who Jacob really was, but the throbbing in my head kept any sanity from coming forth. I was lost in my own mind with nowhere to turn. I was afraid and alone.
Just when I thought I could take no more, the bedroom door opened slowly. Light crept around the wooden edges, casting a shadow onto the floor. The broad shoulders, the tall build, and finally the scent that immediately floated into the air settled my fears just enough for me to breathe.
Jacob's masculine musk was mixed with alcohol and cigarettes, creating a spicy new scent about him. Still, I knew it was him before he stepped inside and shut the door. He leaned his back against the door and glanced up to the ceiling before he looked to me, sitting on the center of his bed. His onyx eyes were glossy and red. His cheeks were tinged pink and his lips curled into a sloppy smile. Yet, the way he looked me over was endearing and full of adoration.
He would never forget about me. How could I have panicked over something so silly?
"You okay?" Jake slurred just slightly. He wasn't drunk, but he was on his clearly on his way.
I nodded my head. My eyes glued to the comforter beneath me.
"Look at me and tell me you're okay with not going to Pittsburg with me?"
I was okay with that aspect. "I'm okay with you going to Pittsburg without me."
"Then," his head titled to the side, "what's wrong?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't want you to forget about me."
Jake disbelievingly stared at me. He stepped forward until he was at the edge of the bed. He, then, knelt on the mattress. Clasping my hands in his, Jacob peered at me making sure to catch my gaze with his. "Listen to me, Bells, and this time listen real good. There is no way I will ever forget you. You are my home. You are my essence. Nothing…no one will ever take that from me." With his thumb and forefinger, Jacob pulled my chin up and rested his lips on mine, sealing his promise with a kiss.
No matter how many times Jacob told me he would never forget about me or La Push or Forks, the idea of him being so far away added the oxygen to the fire of doubt burning inside of me. There was one way to dull the fear and for the remaining days I was in Florida, I spent it wrapped up in Jacob's naked body. When we were at our most intimate, I could feel him and the love we shared. It was as though the world outside of whatever room we were in at the time no longer existed. We were the only two beings on earth orchestrating a beautiful lullaby of love and fear.
There was beauty in our fears. Although fear overshadowed the most important feeling, love, it was that unabridged trepidation that kept us coming back for more. It amplified the need for those three marvelous words, but it suppressed them all the same. If we said it, if we told each other how much we truly loved the other, then our lives would change. Adapting to change was hard and tumultuous for Jacob and I; whereas, if we stayed status-quo, it felt as though our destinies were in the palms of our hands. But, destiny had another plan that she made fully unavoidable.
The moment my feet landed back in Washington, I was greeted with stress. With only a few weeks left of school, I needed to study and finish my final projects for each of my classes. Alex decided that an additional four weeks wait for my degree was ridiculous and promoted me to Director of Instruction & Activities. The job load was hideously grotesque at best. I was overcome with having to put in place a new children's center program, where children could learn about the underwater world. To say that I was overly stressed with work and school and lacked about an extra twenty-four hours was a mild, mild way of putting it into perspective.
And then there was the mess with Jacob. I say mess, because that's exactly what it was. The more time passed since I had been in Florida, the more I got the feeling that Jake and I were in a "secret" relationship. His text messages and phone calls picked up from hardly at all to always – not that I minded in the slightest. I loved sharing our lives together, but there were only so many hours in one day. I often found myself growing more tired, no matter how much sleep I got the night before.
Marybelle took to cooking me breakfast and packing me a lunch as those were the steps that were being left out when I was running late. Each morning after over sleeping, I hustled down the steps on the phone with Jacob, buttoning my jeans, and trying to locate my shoes, keys, jacket, and backpack. I was one week away from finals, from graduating college, and the only thing I really wanted to do was crawl back in my bed and sleep for the rest of my life.
"So, about Pittsburg…" Jacob said into my ear as I slipped my shoes on.
"Ugh. Jake, I'm not in the mood to talk about Pittsburg again." I rolled my eyes and scurried into the kitchen before Marybelle would have a chance to yell at me. That was all I needed, a headache to add to the craziness of my life at the moment.
The smell of freshly cooked bacon, eggs, and biscuits wafted in the air, thickening the closer I came to the source. My stomach flipped. My mouth became thick with spit. The simple thought of eating anything made my tummy churn in on itself. I breathed through my mouth and swallowed trying to slow down the wave of nausea barreling through me.
"Why not? Just come with me!" Jake begged. He was relentless.
"Give me a minute." I sighed into the phone. I cupped my hand over my forehead and leaned against the doorway of the kitchen.
"You okay?" His voice was thick with concern.
"Yeah. Just… I don't feel well."
"I bet you don't. You've been going ninety miles per hour since you got back. Slow down, Bells, enjoy life. Take a day off." Jacob kindly stated with worry leaking into every syllable.
"I bet you'd like that." I laughed into the phone.
"Well, I'm not going to say that you lying in bed all day didn't cross my mind." Jake all but whispered. "That would drive me crazy."
"Really? That's what you'd think about? Me lying in bed?"
"I didn't say what you'd be doing." Jake chuckled. "But, hey, I gotta go. Class in fifteen minutes. I'll text you later."
"Okay." I sighed.
"And Bells?"
"Yeah?"
"Get some rest, relax, have fun. That's what life is about." I could hear him smiling.
"I'll try." I smiled back.
"Talk to you later, Bells." I hear Jacob kiss the receiver of his phone. And I did the same wishing him a fun filled day of no worries or stress.
A few days later, I sat in my office at work trying to fight the nausea that had yet to go away when Alex peered in. I looked up from the mountain of paperwork in front of me. I smiled at Alex and waved him in.
"Hey Alex."
"Hi Bella. You look, well, swamped." Alex gestured toward the boxes of paperwork next to me.
"Oh," I glanced toward the boxes. "Yeah, I'm looking for grant opportunities for a possible addition to the building."
"Addition?" Alex took a seat in the black polyester covered chair in front of my desk.
"Yeah. I would be a children's center with one of those really cool touch ponds, a few activity areas, and I was thinking that maybe we could put in a new tunnel tank… not a huge one but a smaller one more so for the kids than anyone else."
"Wow." Alex chuckled to himself. "I knew you'd be perfect for this job."
"Thanks." I smiled. I really did love my new promotion, and I wouldn't have been nearly as swamped had I been able to work the regular nine to five shift. And what with finals coming up next week, my job would become easier over the following weeks. So, I didn't mind the overworked, tiredness that I felt.
"There's something else that I think you would be perfect for." Alex leaned forward.
"Alex, I don't think I can…" I looked over everything in front of me, suddenly becoming a little more than overwhelmed. The nausea in my stomach amplified.
"No, no… it's not anything extra to work on. I think you have plenty to keep you busy." Alex laughed. "It's just that my mom has a garage style apartment that she's renting out. She's getting older, you know, so the easier for her to earn her income the better. And I was thinking that since it's only about a fifteen minute drive that you might be interested. You know, since you're graduating college soon, I figured you'd probably be looking for a place."
"I hadn't thought about that to be honest." Jacob's futile attempts at getting me to move to Pittsburg rattled around in my brain. There was no way I could walk away from all of this. Not when I was just starting to try to do something so substantial. So, why wouldn't I take Alex up on his offer? "But now that you mention it, I think it would be a nice change especially after I graduate. When can I look at it?"
"Probably next week. She's having some painters come in this weekend to freshen up the paint." Alex answered.
"I have finals Monday thru Wednesday, so Thursday around one o'clock should be okay with me." I explained.
"I'm sure that'll be fine for her too. I'll let her know to expect you around one. Remind me on Monday and I'll give you the directions." Alex stood and exited my office, leaving me to the piles upon piles of paperwork. Just when I thought the papers were about to swallow me whole, my phone vibrated.
'what r u doin right now' Jacob's text read.
'Preparing to be swallowed by mountains of paperwork.' I quirkily replied back.
'still working I take it' He answered.
'Yeah.'
I hesitated telling him about the apartment I was going to look at next week, but instead of texting it to him, I chose his name from my contacts list and called.
"Hey." Jake chirped.
"Hey." I smiled. His voice calming the nervous tension inside of me. "So, I have something to tell you."
"Alright." Jacob hesitated.
"Alex's mom has an apartment for rent, and I'm going to look at it next week." I blurted out. I knew if I didn't just let it out, then I wouldn't tell him. And that would cause far more damage than I would be able to handle.
"Oh." He shortly answered. I could hear him breathe out a sigh of defeat. "So, you're really not going to Pittsburg with me?"
My stomach started to churn as though I had eaten far too much. I could feel the bile rising up in my throat. "No." I answered, my throat constricted with nausea. I tried to open my mouth to explain further, but as I did, my gag reflex had me jumping from my chair and running to the nearest trash can. I heaved up what little bit of food was in my stomach.
"Bella? Are you okay?" Jacob worriedly asked just as I dry heaved. "Are you… throwing up? Are you still sick? I told you to take a day and relax."
Using the back of my hand, I wiped my mouth and returned my chair. "I must have caught a bug or something. Explains why I've been so tired an exhausted."
"You're working yourself to death, Bells. It's okay to take a minute for yourself now and then."
I nodded as if he could see me and reached for the bottle of water on my desk. I twisted the cap off and chugged down about half of it. "I don't have time for myself right now, Jake. I barely have time for you." I said without thinking. "God, that came out wrong."
"No. It's okay. I know what you mean. You're busy getting your life together. Not everyone gets their career handed to them on a silver platter like I did." Jake's emotionally filled voice came through loud and clear.
I was shocked by his answer, shocked that he hadn't taken what I said in the wrong context. "Thank you for understanding, Jake."
"Welcome." He silently answered. "Listen, I have to go. I'll see you soon okay?"
"Alright."
A long, awkward pause stood between the two of us giving ample opportunity to blurt out any feelings we'd left unsaid over the years. Yet, still, we allowed our fears to constrict our throats and take over our hearts.
"Bye Jake."
"Bye Bells."
Finals flew by in a nauseated and exhausted flash. To celebrate Angela and I planned to have lunch before I went to visit my potential first apartment. My stomach was still playing funny tricks on me, and more often than not, I found myself closer to the nearest exits just so if I felt the need to throw-up, I wouldn't do it on someone's shoes.
The morning after finals, I woke up twenty minutes before I had to meet Angela at Twisted Rainbow's Café. In a desperate rush to make it there on time, I pulled a brush through my hair, applied some deodorant, brushed my teeth, and bolted out the door in a pair of sweats, a t-shirt, and a jacket. Sure, I was never one to really care what I looked like, but I rarely left the house in anything but jeans.
On my drive to Twisted Rainbow's I pondered over how I could have overslept when I had fallen asleep just twelve hours before. My body was telling me something. It worried me. Did I have cancer or some other ailment that caused extreme fatigue?
"Maybe you're narcoleptic." Angela laughed over her turkey sandwich, which looked just divine. I licked my lips and spied the slice of tomato slipping from between the bread.
"Shut up, Ang!" I laughed and took a sip of my cheesey broccoli soup.
"Seriously, Bella, you've just worked yourself too hard. Last night was the first night you've gotten any kind of real sleep." Angela consoled me.
"Maybe you're right."
What I hadn't explained to Angela over lunch was that every night for the past two weeks, I had gotten at least ten hours of sleep. If I wasn't sleeping, I was at work or school. I had even diverted a couple of Jake's late night phone calls to voicemail just so I could get a few more minutes of shut-eye. None-the-less, Jacob left tender messages saying that he was sorry that he missed me and he'd see me soon.
The apartment turned out to be amazing. I fell in love with its quaint, comfortable, homey feel. It was small, only one bedroom and bath, but cozy. Alex's mom, Agatha, was lovely as well. Her tiny, shaky voice and promises of no late night wild parties sealed the deal for me. And so, I signed the lease to my first apartment just a day later.
Thankful for the weekend, I asked Dad to rent a truck for my things on Saturday, and he came back with the biggest he could find. Marybelle offered to help me pack away my belongings. Her's and Dad's eyes glossed over with tears. Dad hugged me thousands of times as he passed by from a return trip of loading furniture into the truck.
"I'm so proud of you, Bella!" He kissed into my hair with every hug.
My stomach was still uneasy, but the uneasiness had settled a bit by Saturday evening. Marybelle fixed a large dinner. Angela stayed over to help with the move on Sunday. We spent the night talking like we usually did. Our lives were much more different, grown, with real life concerns. Angela's were more about finding a job as a journalist as soon as she could. She dreamed of traveling to different poverty stricken countries to shed light on the sadness happening there. All the while, I dreamed of working at the aquarium, finishing the tunnel and the addition. I dreamed of seeing Jacob play ball professionally, and most of all I wanted him to just tell me that he loved me.
"Is that so much to ask?" My eyes welled up with giant tears. I sniffed back a sob. "All I want from him is an 'I love you'. Why can't he just tell me that?"
"He's a man. That's why." Angela retorted. "I practically have to drag it out of Erick."
"But at least he's told you!" I exclaimed, tears streaking down my face.
"Aw, Bells, I'm sure Jake loves you. You just have to give him some more time. Things are just now settling down for the both of you." Angela wrapped her arms around my sobbing shoulders and moved us from side to side, flaring the queasiness in my stomach. I jolted toward the bathroom, heaving the rest of my dinner into the toilet.
"You okay?" Angela stared at me with a hideously aware look as I walked back into the bedroom.
"Yeah. I'm fine. Just the remnants of that bug I had." I stifled a yawn and stretched. "I think I'm going to go to bed."
"Alright. I'm going to go change, shower, and all that. Get some rest." Angela got up from the bed just as I climbed in. When she reached the door, Angela tapped her fingers against the knob and then turned back to me. "Bella?"
"Hmm…" I answered while texting Jacob a goodnight text.
"Could you be…"
My phone vibrated in my hand.
'Gnite beautiful.'
I smiled a bright, painfully big smile and turned back to Angela, who stared at me with worried eyes. "Sorry, go ahead."
"Are you still on the pill?" Angela blurted out as she opened the door.
"No." I bleakly answered.
"Are you and Jacob being safe?"
I swallowed remembering the week of Spring Break and how much of a turning point it was for the both of us. The images of us together in the bubble bath played in my head like a movie. I remembered the night of his celebration party and the feel of the cold porcelain sink beneath my ass and the feel of him inside of me. A blurry set of images flashed through my head of the nights that followed. We had shared each other's passion and in each of those moments we had forgotten to protect ourselves. That was when destiny reached her tiny hand in and grasped on to us.
My symptoms from the past few weeks gathered. I was nauseous all of the time. I could never get enough sleep. And my period… I sat up in the bed, tossing the comforter to the side. I gripped a handful of my hair and thought out loud.
"Today's the… and my last period was… That makes…" I counted on my fingers. "I'm three and a half weeks late." I whispered into the horrid air that seemed to thicken the more I thought. I looked up to Angela, who stared bewildered at me. "It could be the stress. I'm just… stressed."
"How many times has that happened to you?" Angela asked.
"Never." I answered quietly. "I could just be late. You know… traveling can do that to you. And I've had that bug…"
"Bella!" Angela stomped her foot. "You can't be serious."
I had had my head in the toilet enough recently to know that it wasn't just some bug, that my period wasn't late because I had traveled or because of stress, and that I wasn't tired because of lack of sleep. None of that was the truth.
As I sat in bed, Angela slipped on her shoes and grabbed the keys from my desk. "I'll be back in fifteen minutes."
I didn't need to ask where she was going or why she was taking a trip at almost eleven o'clock at night. I knew, and it broke my heart that I could be so careless, so stupid. Jacob would hate me. He would see what Billy had been trying to tell him all along. He would believe Billy, and Jacob would destroy me with his words just like he had in the garage in high school.
Twenty minutes later, Angela strolled into my bedroom with two bags, one plastic and visibly full of sweets. The other bag was brown paper and small. Angela tossed it onto the bed next to me and sat down.
"Go take it."
I glanced toward the bag with the answers to my future and back to Angela. She had the plastic bag full of candy on her lap. I picked up the brown paper bag and smirked. "Trade you bags?"
Angela rolled her eyes and squeezed my hand. "Take it, Bella. Whatever the results are, I'm here for you. Marybelle is here for you. Charlie will be here for you." She stopped looked away and then settled her eyes on my face. "And Jacob will be too."
"How do you know?" I asked with a shaky voice.
"He loves you, Bella. He may not say it, but he does. And this," she pointed to the bag, "isn't going to change that."
"You don't know everything. Billy thinks… he'll change Jacob's mind."
"Who cares what Billy thinks? Jacob obviously doesn't believe him, why would he start now?"
"You don't understand."
"I may not, Bells, but either way, you have to take this test. It might not be about just you anymore." She grabbed the bag, sat it in my lap, and pointed toward the door. "Go." Her voice was calm, even, and kind.
I nodded. The queasiness in my stomach doubled as the nervous butterflies flapped their wings and balls of tension rolled around. I sat on the toilet and opened the box. Inside was a stick wrapped sealed in a foil wrapper. I tore open the wrapper and tossed it and the box onto the floor in front of me. Holding the stick up in front of my face, I grumbled at myself for being such an idiot, but my bladder had other ideas. Squeezing my legs together, I reached for the instructions, which were still inside of the box. I quickly ran over the instructions, yanked the tiny piece of plastic that covered the part I was supposed to pee on off, and well… peed.
I held the stick in my stream of urine for five to ten seconds, capped the end I peed on, and sat it on the edge of the sink. I snarled at the irony and set the timer on my cell phone.
The next three minutes were the longest of my life. Angela must have found them just as long too. I hugged into her side and waited staring at the white stick on the sink thinking about how it alone would change the course of my life. And not to mention Jacob's.
"What'd the instructions say was… you know?" Even Angela couldn't say the word.
"Two lines is yes. One line is no." I repeated almost robotically as we both stared directly at the white stick.
An alarming buzz from my phone jerked my attention to my hand. I looked down to see all zero's across my timer, then I looked over to Angela, who nodded her head. Nervousness and anxiety filled her eyes, so I could only imagine what zombie-like appearance I must have had.
With shaking fingers, I picked up the test from the sink and stared at the results window. I repeated to myself what the instructions said. Two lines is yes. One line is no. And there before my eyes were two bright red lines.
"What's it say…" Angela pulled the test toward her so that she could see the results.
I swallowed and answered in awe. "I'm pregnant."