AN: Special thanks to ScottishTeddy who betaed the Scottish dialect for me. I think Fiona's accent is so much better with her help! It's good to be back.
Harry and Sirius awoke the next morning, knowing that Fiona would arrive that day. Snape had already lectured them on appropriate pranks, saying that no pranks to Fiona was always an option. Harry and Sirius just nodded, appearing docile and obedient while flashing knowing looks to each other. Of course they would prank Fiona, they told each other.
Fiona joined them for lunch after settling her things into the spare room.
"Happy Christmas!" she told them, smiling. "'Tis good to see you two rascals."
"Happy Christmas!" Harry replied politely, elbowing Sirius as he gaped at her. Neither of them had seen her out of her healer uniform, and the black and white printed dress she wore made her look, well, like a woman. Both boys blushed at the thought.
"A'ken ye lads like sweets," she smiled at them. "Wid ye like tae decorate gingerbread wae me this afternoon?"
"Yes!" Sirius agreed enthusiastically.
"I ken a charm that makes the little men dance," she told them. "My granny used tae do it."
"Perhaps a walk in the snow would also be nice," Snape told them. "It's feeling as busy as Heathrow in here, the air would do us good. And I understand that Fiona also enjoys snowball fights."
"Of course I do!" she laughed. "But we have to agree to no magic, otherwise it's not any fun."
"Agreed!" Harry and Sirius laughed.
"We can take you!" Sirius said recklessly.
Then, with a nod to each other, Harry raised his wand and pronounced, "Inflamato!" while waving it at Fiona.
Harry however gaped in shock as Fiona's dress caught on fire with smoke filling the room. His mind froze with the result, his mouth gaping in shock. Fiona squealed in shock, trying to pat out the flames that were licking up her skirt.
Snape however, always on alert, quickly cast "Aguamenti!," drenching Fiona in water. The flames were out, and Fiona found herself blinking up through dripping hair. All eyes fell on Harry.
"It was supposed to change her dress to flame colors!" Harry protested, ducking his head from the rage that was building up in his father. "It was in the joke book!"
"Did you try it out on something else first?" Snape asked, his voice a deadly calm.
"No, sir," Harry admitted, looking down.
"Are you hurt?" Snape asked Fiona, his voice warmer than for Harry.
"A dinny think sae," she told him. "Ye got the water in time."
"Both of you to your room now," Snape told the boys in that same calm voice that sent shivers up Sirius' spine.
"I will be up in a moment, too," Remus agreed.
Sirius had to remind himself that Snape had promised never to physically punish him as they made their way to their room, but he also knew that Snape could be very scary even without the threat of spanking.
"I am so dead," Harry told Sirius, panic seeping into his voice. "Snape was telling me not to do pranks that were rude, and I lit his girlfriend on fire!"
"I don't think she was hurt too much," Sirius tried to assure him.
"Do you think Snape cares?" Harry answered, clearly panicking.
"I think he's going to do what he's going to do whether or not you panic about it," Sirius told him, trying to keep the panic out of his own voice. At least he wasn't the one to cast the spell, he reminded himself, and then felt guilty about that thought. He was just as much to blame as Harry, they had decided for Harry to cast it because he was better at casting.
Just then Snape swept in the room, barely looking at the boys. They both saw that he had a ruler in his hand, and they exchanged looks that were very close to the panic that Harry had been fighting.
"Bend over the desk, Harry," Snape told him in a cold, firm voice.
Harry obeyed, too afraid not to, but his stomach was twisting in fear as he did so. Snape was going to give him the ruler and not even give him the comfort of being on his lap? Tears threatened as he reached the desk and bent over it.
"You may find your guardian, Mr. Black," he told Sirius with flashing eyes. "Since I have promised not to deal with you in this way."
"Please, sir," Sirius protested. "It was an accident. You don't have to kill him."
"I will not kill him," Snape told him in that cool voice. "But I will impress upon him the foolishness of his actions."
"He knows that already," Sirius protested. "Please, we both do. We did not mean for that to happen."
"Then you let it happen through foolishness," Snape snapped back. "Which is nearly as bad. You will not be able to talk me out of this, Sirius."
Just then, a soft knock sounded at the door and Fiona walked in quietly, taking in the scene before her. She winced at the sight of the ruler, and nodded.
"Thank ye fir takin' ma safety so seriously, Severus," she told him softly. "As you see, I am clean and dry now."
"Are you well?" he asked, his voice somewhat strained.
"I am," she told him. "It was a childish prank gone wrong, but I am glad that ye were so quick on the draw or I may have been a wee bit singed."
"I am thankful you are well," Snape told her formally. "Now leave for a minute while I deal with the perpetrator."
"He's no really a perpetrator," Fiona scoffed at him, and then looked at the waiting Harry with sympathy.
"He deserves this," Snape told her stiffly.
"A wid niver want tae interfere with your fatherly duties," she assured him. "But I canny help but wonder if that might be enough. He knows he deserves it, look at him Snape. He's terrified but is letting you do it because he knows he deserves it."
"Then if everyone agrees, I shall commence."
"But it's Christmas," she told him softly, dimpling sweetly. "If you do this thing that he deserves, then he goes to bed with a smartin' bottom and ye are in a foul mood."
"I would be in a fine mood!"
"Yir always foul and cross when ye have tae discipline the lad," Fiona told him. "And that is nae how I want tae spend our first Christmas together."
"What do you suggest, then?" Snape asked her, frowning as he looked at the ruler.
"I suggest that you let the knowledge of what he deserved be enough this time," she told Snape. "Let me talk with the lads and see if we can sort out our differences. Remus has already agreed."
Snape snorted, "His son wasn't the one who cast the spell."
"Please, Severus," she asked him softly but without begging.
"What makes you think I have any power to resist what you ask of me?" Snape asked her softly, setting the ruler down. "I will let you talk to the boys, and I'll decide if I will mete out more punishment after that."
"Thank ye, Severus," she nodded, and watched him swoop out of the room.
"Ye may get up now, Harry," she told him softly, and Harry complied. He could barely believe how well she had handled Snape and gotten him out of trouble. Although, he wasn't sure he was completely out at this point anyway.
"We are very sorry," Harry told her quietly. "And we're very happy you weren't hurt."
"Luckily Severus was there to rescue me," she told them, her lips twitching. "But I wanted to ask ye lads if ye're feeling any resentment towards me for intruding on yer all-Dad party."
"Not at all," Sirius assured her. "In fact, last Christmas we were remarking how we needed a woman here."
"And you make my father softer," Harry told her, sporting a cheeky grin. "Do you think I would have gotten out of that any other way?"
"Now I will nae be dain' that on a regular basis," she told him seriously. "I have nae problem with a naughty lad put o'er his father's knee."
"Thank you for this time," Harry told her sincerely. "He looked ready to blister me something proper."
"Well, you did light his girlfriend on fire," Sirius reasoned. "That does tend to, you know, bring it out in a man."
"I suppose," Harry grinned.
"Ye're welcome for this time," she told him. "But promise me ye'll no use a spell on a person before practicing it? I was quite fond o' that dress."
"I'll pay for a new one," Harry offered, somewhat chagrined.
"My dad is very good at repair," Sirius offered.
"I wis able tae fix it," she told them. "But the smell o'smoke will take a while tae be rid of. But thank ye both fir offering. Now I want that promise."
"We promise," they both replied, looking down.
"Good, now one more thing," she told them and raised her wand. Harry reflexively reached for his wand, and then forced himself not to. Whatever hex she chose to punish him with was his own fault.
"Inflanito!" she commanded, flicking her wand at their hair. Instantly, the hair on the heads of both boys looks like it had burst into flame, but felt normal to the touch.
"Wicked!" Sirius exclaimed, touching Harry's hair.
"If ye need help wae pranks just lemme ken," she told the boys. "I believe that's the one ye were attempting, Harry."
"It is," he admitted, awed.
"It should last an hour or so," she told them. "When it ends, come find me and we will see about those gingerbread men, aye?"
"Aye," they both answered with large smiles.
"You still want to do that even after we set you on fire?" Sirius asked incredulously.
"O' course," she answered, dimpling. "Now I think both of yer fathers would like a word. Sirius, come w' me and Harry, I'll send yer father in tae ye."
"Thanks," Harry told her, and watched them leave. He smiled thinking of Fiona, he was now sure that it was going to work having her as part of the family.
Snape swept in the room, pinning Harry with a piercing gaze as he stood above him, his arms crossed.
"So did she pass your test?" Snape asked him calmly.
"Test?" Harry echoed, looking innocent.
"I no more believe that you accidentally mispronounced that spell than I think you're dumb enough to believe that you had fooled me," Snape told him sharply. "Did she pass the test?"
"She did," Harry admitted.
"And I can assume there will be no more of that?"
"No more," Harry promised. "I just, well, I really wanted to know what she would do."
"She's a good woman, Harry," Snape sighed. "She wouldn't hurt you."
"She'd never been truly provoked before," Harry answered.
"No more provoking her," Snape told him sternly. "Or you'll feel my displeasure."
"Am I going to feel it today?" Harry asked, a little nervous.
"You deserve it," Snape told him. "Lighting her on fire! The very idea."
"I would have put it out before it hurt her," Harry assured him. "I was just, you know, giving you a chance to rescue her."
"And you think I need your help with romance?" Snape asked him sardonically.
"It can't hurt," Harry laughed, cheeky. But then he sobered, and asked, "Would you really have given me the ruler bent over the table?"
"You would have deserved it," Snape reiterated, but then his lips twitched slightly. "However, I did not believe you would have received more than a swat or two before being rescued."
"In the future, can it please always be over your lap?" Harry asked. "You just were so, well, cold that it scared me a little."
"Alright," Snape agreed. "But since I was doubting you were going to receive a proper whacking, I thought I could at least give you some of the fear of one."
"I suppose that was fair," Harry admitted. "But if you knew what I was doing, why did you not confront me in front of Fiona?"
Snape sighed, looking at the young man in front of him. "To what purpose?" Snape asked him. "Just because I know what's happening doesn't mean I always need to stop it. You needed to feel safe, and so you set up a scenario that would answer your question. If I had thwarted that, you would have felt less safe and made Fiona more suspicious. If you needed to know what she would do at the cost of infuriating me and risking your backside, who was I thwart that?"
"My backside is safe, though, isn't it?" Harry asked again.
"It's safe," Snape told him. "But Harry, please remember this: if I had decided you needed to be punished for it, nobody could have talked me out of it. I will not have you applying to Fiona to get you out of justly deserved discipline. I allowed things to transpire this way this time, but I will not do so again. Do you understand?"
"I understand," Harry assured him. "And thank you."
"You're welcome," Snape nodded.