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Chapter 25

BPOV

I don't remember falling asleep after Jasper and I made love last night. I remember telling him I'll love him always and forever and a slight wince when he pulled out of me. But I woke up and it was daylight out. The sun seemed high and bright in the West Virginia sky. I couldn't tell what time it was from where I was. I had no desire to move to find a clock or my phone.

"Good afternoon sleepyhead." I heard my angel's voice behind me. A sigh of relief left my body. Jasper had his arms around me from the back. One arm beneath my neck, the other arm tracing circles on my exposed arm and shoulder. I was happy. Blissfully happy.

I remembered the dream I used to have, before seeing Jasper again, of the golden eyes and brown and blond colored hair. The smile that broke all the rules and realized it was him. It was Jasper. I guess I was in denial for so long, never wanted to believe that I had fallen in love with him, but I look back now and feel stupid that it took me so long.

"Afternoon?"

"Yeah, by the time you fell asleep, it was almost sunrise. After yesterday, I wanted you to be able to catch some good rest, so I let you sleep. It's just a couple minutes past noon."

I turned over to look at my angel. I realized I had no clothes on, but instead of being embarrassed, I was accepting. He had already seen me naked, no sense covering up now. As I curled up onto his chest, he completed the circle around me with his arms and it was his turn to sigh.

"Are Peter and Charlotte back?"

"Yeah, they got back about 2 hours ago. Are you ok? Not that I regret last night, it was incredible, but you threw me for a loop you know?"

"I knew this question was going to come up sooner or later. I don't know if I can explain it right." I pulled out of his embrace a little, receiving a disparaging look from him for it, and sat indian style on his bed trying to hold up the sheet but failing miserably. Jasper turned on his side, propped his head on his elbow and looked up at me with his beautiful dark gold eyes. His other hand lightly stroking my now revealed naked leg. "You need to hunt soon."

"Don't change the subject."

"Fine. I'll continue. After everything yesterday, I needed to end yesterday on a positive note, like the day began. After you told me your history, all I could think of was it was the dawn of a new day, literally and figuratively, I was so happy yesterday morning. I didn't want to end the day, the day I found out you loved me, on any other wavelength. Does that make sense? Probably not, I told you I don't know if I can ex…" My voice was cut off by Jaspers lips. It was a sweet kiss. I had missed seeing him move but responded to his lips instantly, opening my mouth to taste his alluring scent. The kiss was over before I could really get into it, Jasper had moved back to his previous position with a guilty smirk on his face.

"Makes complete sense. You could have told me last night though. Do you feel ok? Are you sore? I didn't hurt you did I?" Worry and relief counteracting each other on his face.

"Do you feel pain coming from me? Do you feel anything other than complete bliss?" I laid back down next to him, he rolled over on his back, pulling me up on his chest a bit.

"No, but I wanted to make sure. You know I love you, right?" I nodded. There was no doubt in my mind that Jasper loved me, I just didn't know about this soul mate thing hanging between us. I was willing to spend eternity with him; but couldn't bring myself to ask him if he felt the same way.

"Come on, let's go speak with Peter and Charlotte. I'm sure they have questions." I pulled some clothes out of my bag, and grabbed my toiletries and headed to the bathroom. After departing just a couple of minutes later, feeling slightly more human and less morning monster-ish Jasper grabbed my hand and we went downstairs.

Peter and Charlotte were sitting on the couch, both reading the same book when we descended the last step. Wagging his eyebrows at me, Peter asked if I had a good night. To which Charlotte smacked him upside the back of the head. I knew I liked that girl. Someone has to keep him in line.

Jasper went to the kitchen to grab me a cup of coffee Charlotte had made while I curled up on the oversized chair across from them. Both their eyes were bright red, indicative of a good nights hunt. When he returned, he put the coffee on the table next to the chair, sat down next to me, pulling me onto his lap before handing me my morning/afternoon caffeine fix.

"How you feeling this morning Bella?" Charlotte asked me. Truly nothing but concern for me showing in her eyes. "Better, thank you Charlotte."

"Honey, my family calls me Char." I smiled at her gesture of considering me family. It meant a lot to me that Jasper's friends welcomed me so readily.

"I suppose you guys want to know what happened? What did you tell them yesterday J?" Sipping my coffee, I looked at Jasper who was smiling happily at his brother and sister. I don't think I ever saw him so content living with the Cullen's. A resounding sadness swept through me realizing that it was like he was being held inside a wall-less cage while living with them. Never feeling as free as I can see he does right now.

He raised his eyebrow at me, questioning the feeling coming off me, but I just shook my head. Hopefully we would have enough time to talk about all of my revelations over the next couple of weeks.

Jasper explained that he had told Peter the entire story and Peter had relayed it to Char. From him waking me up to Alice and Demetri's intrusion to my first revelation in the truck yesterday about how close I had become to Rose and Jasper after trusting Alice and Edward so much in the beginning. Jasper quickly asked if I minded if Rose and Em came for a visit, apparently already sick of the Alice and Demetri show going on at the Cullens. When I told him I would love it, he quickly texted Rose to come on down. Nodding my head that Peter and Char were fully up to speed so to speak, I turned to them with the one question I knew they had.

"So I guess you want to know what I am going to do?" Jasper tightened his grip around my waist ever so slightly while Peter and Char looked me directly in the eye nodding. "Well I guess I get my stuff in order, maybe make a trip back to Forks to see my dad once more and in a month become a vampire. No big deal." Taking another sip of my coffee, I could see the wheels turning in Peter's head. Jasper had a surprise look on his face that I could see out of the peripheral of my line of sight, but the start of a smile or annoyed smirk on his lips. I couldn't tell which one it was.

"That's all? That's it? No big scene, no pissed off comments about the cock sucking evil pixie bitch or the mind reading scum bag who played with your life? I gotta say Bella, I'm a little disappointed. I would have thought that the Major's mate would be a little more aggressive, a little more, I don't know, spit fire-ish." Peter hit the nail on the head with that one. I immediately felt a huge round of sadness realizing that Alice must have been wrong. I had made the decision so quickly, because I wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe Jasper and I were soul mates that I didn't care to take into account, especially after hearing Jasper's story, that his true soul mate, the one perfect fit for him, would not be so accepting of the situation without fighting for her right to make her own decisions.

I quickly pulled myself out of Jasper's lap and ran back upstairs. On the way Char must have smacked Pete upside the back of the head again because I heard Peter say "damn woman, what the hell was that for?" I ran back into the bathroom, closing the door and sliding down onto my butt with my back braced against it. It wouldn't stop any of the residents here from coming in, but it made me feel a small amount better. I replayed everything Peter had told me, over and over in my head realizing he was right. There is no way I am Jasper's soul mate. Sure, I had healed myself after Edward. I had gotten more of a backbone. I wouldn't take peoples shit lying down anymore, but I wasn't strong like Jasper was. Too endure all he has gone through, he deserves someone truly amazing, someone stronger than my will would ever take me.

I thought about last night, making love with him. How our bodies seem to fit together perfectly. There was no pain, there were no awkward movements. My body responded to his like he owned it, like it was part of him. I don't regret last night. If I ended up changing my mind over the next month and decide to die, then I can say with all certainty that my first ( and probably only) time being intimate with someone was with a person I was madly in love with. More tears came running down my face as I realized I had ONCE again fallen in love with a vampire that I wasn't good enough for.

I heard a soft knock on the door but refused to acknowledge it. "Bella? Honey, it's me. I sent the boys out to hunt. I'm the only one here, can I come in please?" I took a huge breath, internally debating whether or not to let Char in. Politeness won out over anything else. I moved to the other side of the bathroom, leaving the door able to be opened. I stayed on the ground, knees up against my chest with my hands wrapped securely around them. Remembering the hole that my chest used to have when Edward broke my heart; this feeling was completely different. This felt like my whole body was coming apart. I once thought I was trying to keep my the broken pieces of my heart together in my body, now I felt like every ounce of my being was being ripped apart from me; piece by piece. The longer I sat there, the worse the pain in my body got.

I didn't look up as Char entered the room. She walked over to the bathtub and sat down, keeping her distance from me. I just kept rocking back and forth, trying to forget the pain my body was being encompassed in now.

"Do you want to tell me what exactly got you so upset? I know Peters an ass sometimes, but I hope you realized he was kidding down there. Pete and I couldn't be happier for you and Jasper. He's finally found someone that loves him for who he is. And we can tell how much he loves you too."

As she spoke, more tears came. Realizing that Peter, while he thought he might have been joking, really did hit the nail of the head of the problem. I just shook my head. I didn't want to talk to anyone yet. Char and I sat there in silence while I cried. At one point, she handed me some tissues, but then resumed her place on the end of the bathtub, me on the floor facing her about 4 feet away.

After a while, my tears started to ebb. Whether from acceptance or dehydration I don't know. I allowed myself to lift my head and look at Char. She hadn't moved of course, but the smile from earlier this morning downstairs was now completely gone. Pain running across her face as I realized she probably had no idea what to do with a bumbling human crying in her bathroom. I let out a small chuckle at the thought of me confusing a vampire.

"Sorry about that." It was all I could think of saying to her.

"Apparently Peter has more to apologize for than he thinks. Do you feel like talking now?"

"There isn't anything to talk about Char. Peter just said something that I had already been thinking and it hit a nerve. No harm, no foul."

"Bella, honey, I know you don't know me worth a damn, but let me explain something to you. While I love my husband more than my own life, he truly is an ass sometimes. As it is he usually talks out of his ass also, but that being said, he probably doesn't realize what he said that was wrong. We aren't around humans a lot, so he is a little out of practice, but I can tell you one thing, in all the years that we have known Jasper, he has never looked as happy as he does with you. Certainly not with Maria and NEVER with Alice. So why don't you explain to me what you think my husband 'hit a nerve' with as you say?"

I realized that she probably wasn't going to give up on this. Taking a deep breath and hoping to god that I could make it through this without loosing it again and crying; I pushed everything back down. Like I had when Edward left; making myself numb to the pain. I blurted out, "I'm not good enough to be Jasper's true soul mate." I kept my head down, not looking at her while I said it, afraid that she would nod in affirmation of my statement. I heard a heavy sigh and saw her feet suddenly out the bottom of my eyesight. She sat down next to me and put her arm around my shoulder. Just that simple act of kindness set me off again and the tears started flowing freely.

I don't know how long we sat there. I never heard Jasper and Peter come back, not that I really expected to be able to hear them. But Char never said another word to me, just sat there rubbing my arm and letting me cry. I didn't know if I should be appreciative or bothered by the fact that she didn't try to fill me with a line of bullshit about how I was wrong….or right.

"I'm gonna go get you a bottle of water, why don't you clean yourself up a bit and go lay down. I'll bring you some crackers or something to snack on and you can rest. Okay honey? You can't be comfortable sitting on the floor this long." She stood up gracefully before reaching down to lend me her hand. I grabbed it and she gently pulled me up and into her arms, hugging me. "It'll work out. It always does honey." With that, she left the room.

I stared at myself in the mirror, realizing that I have now just lost two days of my life dealing with drama caused by certain members of the Cullen family. Because of Alice's comment yesterday, I had allowed myself to revert to my post-Edward days. Sighing, I splashed some water on my face and headed back to the bedroom. I still couldn't hear Jasper or Peter; Char wasn't making a sound downstairs, but I didn't really expect her too.

I climbed in bed, again reliving the memories of last night. A fresh round of tears falling. I curled up in a ball under the covers and just gave myself over to my grief.

"Hi." My sobs came louder as I heard my angels voice from the door behind me. Within seconds, I was wrapped in his arms. I could feel him kissing my head.

JPOV

My mouth dropped as I felt the utter and complete sadness come off Bella responding to Peter's statement. I was frozen from it as I watched her run upstairs and slam one of the doors, listening to her fall to the ground and cry.

"What did I say wrong?" my brother said. I flew over to him in a rage, slamming him into the wall behind the couch; my hand gripping his throat, cutting off his ability to speak, a growl growing in my chest at the thought that somehow Bella got hurt by his words. I heard Char behind me, calmly telling me to take Peter and go hunt. She would speak with Bella, woman to woman. Basically kicking us both out of the house.

I released my brother's throat, and flew out the back door. I was so torn between going to help Bella and allowing Char to. It was my job. She was my mate. Right? But I truly didn't understand what got her so upset. Just moments ago, we were both completely happy. I ran through everything that happened over the past 48 hours. She had been through so much. I never treated her as anything less than my equal, but the fact was my brain processed things differently than hers. I had a lot longer to absorb things on a conscious level. Even while we were making love last night, a part of my brain, albeit a VERY small part of my brain, was making plans on proceeding with Bella's change and how to handle the Cullens. There would have to be a price paid for the way they treated her. On top of that, I had all night, while she slept, to continue the thinking process. She had, what, a couple of hours on the trip down here yesterday. That was really it. And part of that, she slept through. Her body and mind were just exhausted.

Then to be subjected to Peter's sarcastic comments first thing in the morning. Something he said hurt her. But what? He didn't like the fact that there was no visible anger from her. Easily explainable. Bella doesn't stay angry at people. He thought she should be more aggressive or more 'spit fire-ish'. I realized last night that Bella is very submissive, thus lacking in aggression. But what did he say before that? He thought my mate would be more aggressive? Did he imply that Bella was so passive that she couldn't be my mate? Does Bella think we aren't mates? Oh god, that's it.

All of this past through my mind as I ran aimlessly through the forest behind Peter's cottage. I lost myself in my instincts and took down a couple of animals, savagely ripping through their skin with no known knowledge of what blood I am consuming. I could feel his remorse and hesitation behind me, closing in on me. I sent him some negativity. I didn't want to be around him right now. He slightly slowed down, but didn't stop following me. If he doubted, for one instance, that Bella wasn't strong enough to be my mate, we were going to have problems. My rage was boiling inside me as I pushed myself further away from the cottage, faster than I have ever pushed myself before.

The further I got away from the cottage, the more I felt miserable, for allowing Bella to be put in this situation. I should have done something differently. I should have killed Alice and Demetri right then and there. I should have warned Peter that I have been getting some negative feelings off Bella that we needed to speak about before he turned into the world class asswipe that I know and love.

I fell to the ground, pounding the floor before me. Hatred and rage fueling the red haze I see in front of my eyes right now. My fists hitting the ground, causing strong vibrations through the earth all around me. I could hear small branches breaking off the trunks of the trees surrounding me, dropping to the ground around. My heart ached that Bella was in this position.

I felt myself fall further to the floor, curling up and trying to hold myself together. It felt like every ounce of my being was being ripped apart from me, piece by piece. I didn't know if I had the strength to pull myself out of this pit of despair. I didn't know if I wanted to get pulled out of it. I felt like I was going under.

I felt Peter around me. Staying far enough away that I wouldn't launch myself at him right now. I was not in control of myself. Peter knew that. He would let me figure out a way to calm myself down, then we could discuss it. Unfortunately, the last time I felt something close to this level of despair, I was still with Maria. Calming myself down meant destroying a new batch of newborns. My 'Major' took over that job. But it was enough to get rid of the excess anger I had and to allow me to return to a more calm state. Since there were no newborns around; that and I didn't live like that anymore; I didn't know how to do this by myself.

"I can help if you let me" he said. He still stood about 20 feet from me. But his tone and emotions told me there was no judgement, nothing but remorse coming from my friend. I looked up at him, the red haze was still visible in my line of sight, but I could tell that it was fading in intensity. "How?" I could hear the pain in my voice as I spoke.

"You have to go back to Bella and talk with her. Find out what upset her so much. The pain will go away once you understand." Peter and I knew each other well enough that he knew I was in pain, but I had no idea how he knew that by going back to Bella the pain would decrease. For all I know, I would be overwhelmed by her emotions and lash out again, this time possibly hurting her in the process. I couldn't chance that. I couldn't go back until I figured this pain out by myself and return to her strong.

Something slowly changed in the level of the pain. It became almost numbing. Like it was becoming part of me and I would be able to live around it, but it would never leave my body, my heart, my silent hear and my soul. I was able to sit up, pulling my hands simultaneously through my hair, I huffed out "She thinks we aren't mates. At least that's what I think got her so upset. I was getting little bits and pieces of unworthiness from her every since our conversation with Alice yesterday, but they were fleeting, then disappeared. I knew they were from Bella, but since they didn't linger, I didn't put together the fact that she might actually believe we aren't mates. I think what you said, and who you are to me, reinforced the idea in her mind."

Peter took a single step forward, closing the distance between us a little bit more. "And what do you think?" He didn't say it accusingly, but it still caused me to growl at him. I was still agitated enough that he didn't proceed any further.

"Even with what she did, Alice is usually right about these things. But I have to tell you, compared to what you and Char have or Emmett and Rose, hell even Carlisle and Esme have this connection. It's just different than what I have with Bella. I know I am in love with her. And I know she is in love with me, but what happens if I turn her then one of us find our true mate and the other one is left in the dust again. I don't think I could go through that again and I sure as hell don't think Bella could go through it again." As much as it hurt me saying these words out loud, I had been thinking them in some part of my brain every since Alice said the words soul mate yesterday. It was almost a relief to be able to voice them, as much as the meaning behind them pained me and tore into my soul like nothing I have ever felt before. It was at times like this, I hated my gift.

"But you love her, right?"

"Of course, more than my own life. I am worth nothing without her in my life. But if I put it together, it won't take long for her to put it together too. She's extremely observant. It was one of things Edward always found annoying, while I find it absolutely intriguing. For all I know, she already figured it out."

"Then there is no problem. She loves you, you love her. Even if she stayed human, there are no guarantees in relationships, maybe you guys just need to have a deal or something." I looked at him with a 'what the fuck' look.

"Peter, I can't play with someone's life like that. Especially hers. She has too much history with our kind to go into this life without less than an eternal commitment. It's what she would expect and what I want to give her."

He took another step forward and sat down. I had lost my red haze of rage and was dealing with the numbing sensation filling my body. I had to concentrate on what Peter was feeling instead of just automatically knowing. A part of me wondered if vampires can have a nervous breakdown. Maybe that was what was wrong with my gift right now.

"I have to talk to her. I can't leave her like this. I shouldn't even have left her at all." I stood and dusted myself off. Looking at Peter quickly, I saw him stay where he was for a moment. Concentrating hard, all I could feel from him was sadness. Such a contradictory emotion for the man I have known for almost my whole immortal life. I nodded at him, he stood and we ran back in the direction of the cottage.

As I neared, the pain did lessen, but only slightly. I slowed down, trying to get a feel on where Bella was and what she was feeling, only to be returned to the numbing sensation that I was slowly getting used to being a part of me. Was this from her? Or was I projecting it to her? My mind was a jumble of emotions right now and I couldn't even tell the difference, I just knew I had to get to her. See her and hold her.

Somehow I needed to make this right for her. For us.

Char was downstairs when I walked in the cottage. At our normal speed, she told me Bella was upstairs cleaning up and going to lay down. She had just left Bella to get her some water and crackers. I told her I would bring it up to her. Peter had followed me in and went straight to Char. Both their sadness hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to brace myself against the pillar in the room to keep myself from collapsing. If I hadn't felt it, I could see her concern written all over her face. For me? For Bella? For both of us? I didn't know.

I heard Bella start sobbing upstairs, a bout of sadness flooding my body and soul. Both Peter and Char looked up at the ceiling with me at the same time. I grabbed the stuff that Char had put together for her and flew up there as fast as my legs would carry. I needed to be with her right now.

"Hi" was all I said as I walked in the room, seeing her small frame curled up in much the same fashion that I was out in forest, except she was under the covers in our bed. Immediately, my thoughts went back to last night. Making love to Bella had been the most intense thing I had ever felt in my 140 years of existence. And now look at where we are.