House was entering the hospital, late as usual, when his pager buzzed at his side. He made use of the welcome center to lean against while he checked his message.
-Cuddy on warpath. Looking for you! Watch out. --AC
"Great," he muttered and ducked down as he passed her office, breathing a sigh of relief when he made it undetected to the elevator bank. "Come on," he told the slow cars as he pressed the up button repeatedly even though he knew intellectually it would do no good. "Finally!" he said as the door came open. He found himself face to face with the person he was trying to avoid.
"House, going up?" Cuddy seemed cheerful enough.
"Yep. Getting out?"
"No. Get in. We need to talk."
He made a horrified face as he entered the car, pressing his floor button with his cane. "That sounds ominous, Lucifina. Are you breaking up with me?"
Cuddy gave him a glare. "This isn't a joke, House."
House gave an exaggerated sigh. "What did one of my little minions do now?"
"This is about you."
"I didn't do anything," he whined as the car found the fourth floor and allowed them passage through its doors.
"Exactly," she snapped, noting that he did not hold open the office door for her but let it slam nearly in her face. "I've been getting complains that the patients you are supposedly treating never see hide or hair of you yet your signature is all over the place."
He sat on the corner of his desk. "If it has loopy 'g's it's Cameron's writing. I don't sign like a girl."
"House!"
"Fine, you're frustrated. I get it. But get your panties out of the wad- this isn't anything new. That's why I have fellows. They are an extension of me."
She crossed her arms. "You have to see your patients."
"I've excluded myself from the equation so my fellows have more time on the floor. I have four fellows, you know."
"I am highly aware of that. In fact, I am also aware, as I am sure you are, that you should only have three fellows. Don't push me, House, or I will force you to reduce your staff and you won't be happy with my choice."
He pouted. "You know there's a saying about honey, vinegar, flies and don't threaten the guy with the ability to wield a cane."
"House," she said, warningly.
He rolled his eyes and stuck out his hand to receive his punishment. "Which board member does this one belong to?"
Cuddy handed him the chart she had laid on the couch. "None."
"How much money have they promised to donate to the hospital?"
"Nothing."
He regarded her suspiciously. "There has to be a reason you're so interested."
She raised her eyebrows. "Preserving my job and yours, though I'm sure I don't know why I'm trying to save your thankless ass."
He snatched the folder and looked briefly over it. "Boring," he announced.
"I don't care. I'm having her transferred this morning. Deal with it." She walked out while he was sputtering arguments at the back of her head.
House studied the chart closer, sighed dramatically then made his way slowly into the room containing his overpopulated fellows. He eyeballed them as he entered the room, aware that all four straightened in their chairs in what he liked to think of as an unconscious move. "Well, kiddies, Mommy is PMSing and as a result has decided to make our life hell.
Eaverson cleared his throat. "On behalf of the ladies I find that statement highly sexist."
House shrugged. "Look, Pip, I don't have anything to do with it. I just call it like I see it. And if you want to blame someone for sexism blame God for making men so damn superior." He considered his day already complete when, in less than five minutes, he received looks from the women that would melt glacier- the look he was receiving currently. He gave a grin before pressing on. "We have a patient arriving in..." He consulted his watch, "...two hours. No point in talking about it until then because then what would we talk about when she gets here? Go play until then."
The fellows stared blankly at him. "But--" Dariandrotos stated.
"Get the hell out!" he ordered and they all scrambled. All except for Cameron, who was moving much slower.
House frowned at her. "What part of 'get the hell out' do you not understand?"
She suddenly looked like she was going to cry.
He rolled his eyes. "What's wrong now?"
Cameron stood and walked around the table to him. "My lab coat doesn't fit."
He nearly rolled his yes again. "You're upset over your lab coat?"
"Look at me!" she wailed. "I look like a hippo!"
"For God's sake, Cameron, you don't look like a hippo."
"It won't close all the way now, House." Tears came to her eyes.
"Well, duh! You're growing an alien life form in your uterus. You were bound to come out of your size zero coat at some point."
She sniffed in a valiant effort to stop her tears from flowing. "I can hardly see my feet."
"Can you see your hands?" he asked in all seriousness.
Cameron gave him a confused look. "Of course."
"Then you're one up on the hippopotamus. They can't see their hands at all."
Her eyebrows raised. "Hippos don't have hands, House."
"Ah, alliteration. And I guess that means you aren't a hippo since you have hands. Now, go get my coat to use and leave me alone so I can enjoy what's left of this morning in peace."
The new patient arrived quicker than House would have liked, interrupting his dream of Carmen Electra AND Angelina Jolie. His foul mood did not have to be faked as he made his way to the white board, marker in hand, scowl on his face, while fours pairs of eyes stared at him.
He announced each symptom as he listed them in his scrawl. "Forty-six year old female with a history of rheumatoid arthritis, inflammation of lung tissue, low white blood count." RA, pleuritis, leukopenia was displayed for the team to see.
"Systemic lupus erythematosus."
House rolled his eye and then turned to glare at Cameron. "Thank you, Captain Obvious. I'm glad we could all agree that a patient who has been diagnosed with lupus does, in fact, have lupus."
Cameron crossed her arms, swallowed by House's lab coat, and smirked. "Actually, House, it wasn't me."
"Well, it would be any other damn time," he snapped. "Can I finish please or does anyone else want to spit out a documented diagnosis?"
Dariandrotos had turned a bright pink. "That's hardly fair as we haven't actually seen the chart for the documentation."
"As I'm sure you've no doubt been told time and again, Persephone, nothing in life is fair. And the chart was available at anytime for you to look at but you were too busy screwing around.
"But, you told us--" she began but he interrupted with a snort.
"A mere suggestion to slack off instead of work. Now, shut up so I can continue." He turned to the board then looked back. "And that was not a suggestion." He wrote several other symptoms on the board then used his marker to address each one. "She's been having difficulty swallowing, increasing lethargy, decreased concentration. Any thoughts?"
Foreman leaned forward to study the writing. "That's it?"
"Yep," House said, nearly cheerfully. "That's all you get."
Eaverson spoke up, his accent apparent. "First instinct states stroke but I suppose if it were that simple we wouldn't be seeing the lass."
House gave him a dirty look. "Never assume those morons who treated the patient before knew what the hell they were doing, Brit. Rule it out. Next?"
Cameron shifted, slightly uncomfortable as the baby decided to amuse herself by moving around. "Thyroiditis," she suggested.
"Why?" House demanded to know.
"It explains the fatigue, the confusion. If the thyroid gland isn't producing enough thyroid hormones it could cause a disruption and make the body less productive."
The woman beside her said, "Plus thyroiditis tends to be very common with SLE."
House snorted. "Back to lupus."
Cameron smiled. "Everything leads back to lupus."
"Forget the lupus!" he told them. "Foreman, what do you have for me?"
The neurologist looked at the systems for a minute longer. "Possible brain lesion."
The older man rolled his eyes. "Whatever. If that's all you four can do this patient's in for a world of hurt. Fine. Go, my minions. Go forth and get me blood work and MRIs to prove how stupid you all are."
Everyone glared at him but made no comment when they left the room.