*** thanks for the reviews, I love your ideas, some were good, but let me surprise you***

** sorry, another short chapter, the next one will be longer, but I've realised it needs a bit of revising so you're going to have to wait a little, til tomorrow or so ,-) ***

** still don't own the characters**

Ch 25

Bella's diary

Jasper has…

I can't write about that

Friday

I was dazed, it felt as if somebody had hit me hard over the head for the first two days after Jasper had broken up with me over that phone. I mean: One minute I was ready to sleep with him, he called me his life, the next he told me I wasn't good enough for him and should stay away.

Charlie was wonderful. He sensed I was sad, but did not push me into telling him anything I didn't want to. Neither did he hover like Renee would have done. He just somehow let me know he was there if I needed him.

I kept wondering and worrying what exactly it had been about me that hadn't been good enough for Jasper, even put myself down for naively assuming that someone so angelic would really be wanting anything to do with me.

Then I woke up. It wasn't me, it was him: He had been making speeches about soul mates, about wanting to be with me forever. And it had been him who had wanted to kill me and had now chickened out of the relationship under that typically male cover of arrogance and fake rationality.

I was incredibly angry. In a cartoon smoke would have been coming out of my ears.

Well, I wasn't dependent on arrogant vampires who sometimes condescendingly deemed it worth their while to consort with mere mortals.

After I had been sitting by myself for two days – the Cullens were back to ignoring me (apart from Edward in Biology) – Angela got me to join her table, and it was good to be with 'normal' teenagers again. We're going out for a movie in Port Angeles on Friday, and if the weather is sunny enough we've planned an excursion to First Beach for Saturday. Ha!

… but it still hurts. I miss running my hands through Jasper's hair, and I miss his voice and his touch.

Wednesday

Rosalie called me today, talking so quietly that I was sure she was scared of being overheard. She asked if we could meet after school.

I said yes, she should come round. I had been quite hurt by her joining the 'ignore-Bella' stunt, hadn't she said we were friends? Why was she simply giving in to what must be Jasper's whim?

At lunch I saw Edward talking to her angrily, apparently trying to stop her from coming (aha, so it's not only Jasper. What the hell is going on with them?), but when I arrived at the house in the afternoon, she was already there.

We went up to my room and I flopped onto my bed – gym had been hell again – while she stood by the window, looking stunningly beautiful and melancholic.

"Bella, I'm so sorry all this happened."

I was irritated. "Why would you be sorry? I was the klutz who cut her finger, and Jasper is the a…hole who broke up with me on the phone, telling me I was basically a rebound."

She looked startled, then pained. "That's not how he really feels."

"Ah? Has he said anything to you?" I couldn't quite hide the glimmer of hope.

She shook her head. "No, he is… totally unapproachable. He talks to nobody and is out most of the day."

"So how can you know how he feels?" Damnit, I was getting worried about Jasper now.

"He felt he had to break up with you. He said that at the meeting on Sunday. He thinks he's too dangerous for you. We… had a vote on staying in Forks…"

"And?" Why was my throat closing up like that? After all, I had come to terms with … No, the idea of not ever seeing him again was worse.

"It's undecided, so we'll try again in a few days. Bella, I don't want to lose you as a friend, Emmett feels the same, and he says you're like a little sister to him. And Esme is basically moping around the house, blaming herself for starting the whole cooking stunt."

"I still don't know what you want from me."

Rosalie took a deep breath. "Has Jasper ever talked to you about changing you?"

"Changing me?" He had said that love was not about changing the person you loved.

"Turning you into one of us. Then you would no longer be a temptation for him with your blood and you could stay with him forever."

"No, he hasn't." All of Jasper's coldness on that phone call came back to me. So he hadn't even considered us serious enough to talk about it. Still I was curios? "How does that work?" Jasper had always been vague on that point, like he didn't want to talk about his past, and I had never pushed him, not wanting to hurt him any more than he had already been in his long life.

Rosalie explained that vampire venom would have to be 'injected' during a bite – ugh! – and that one would have to let it spread while suffering horrible pain and basically dying before the change was complete.

"And that's it?" I asked, scared ht there was more horror yet to come.

"No, the first year is… well, you would be a newborn, crazed with thirst for blood, but Jasper can deal with that like no other…"

"That's all very fine, but – like I said – he never mentioned it…"

"It's not an easy thing to ask, it would mean you would have to leave your parents and your friends… Maybe that's why he didn't talk about it yet…" She was lost for words and lots of thoughts were swirling around my head, like in one of those snowstorm things. Finally I took a heart and cleared my throat. "Rosalie, I'm hurt, I'm completely confused and I just want some normality in my life or I'll go mad. Maybe this is easier if it's a clean cut."

She sighed and hung her head. "That's what Edward said, too. I'm sorry you feel that way, and I'm going to miss you, but you're right: If you want a normal life you have to stay away from us." She sounded choked, and when I next looked, she was gone.