Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

warning: May be a little tear jerker alert for some of you.

Chapter twenty five

Megan was near the door when he finally made it past the front desk of the hospital. It took a while. He sat in the car debating whether he could get himself to go and finally he had the car door opened before he realized what he was doing and found himself in front of the desk. He then got the room number and spotting Megan easily, he wondered why she was crying.

"Megan-"

"You're finally here," She announced with a sad smile. She frowned and quickly ushered Josh towards the room.

"Wait why are you-did something happen to Drake?" Josh asked suddenly.

Megan hesitated before nodding.

"Josh, Drake is brain dead. He was diagnosed with it about forty-eight hours ago and that's why we've been trying to get you here to the hospital." Megan paused to catch her breath. She didn't want to be sobbing right now. Her older step brother needed her to be calm right now but it was hard. "Mom kept him on life support knowing that you would want to say good bye to him. I know we should have told you but we didn't want you losing hope because in a way you still believed that he would be okay-"

"Is it my fault?" Josh asked suddenly.

He couldn't believe it. A part of him knew that Drake was dead when he was called at work a week ago and Helen had told him he had to get to the hospital. He knew it had been weird because Helen never let him take off unless it involved Drake being in trouble. But Drake had tried to kill himself, and Helen had basically told him as much when she had told him it was Drake and that they had taken him to the hospital. Maybe it was because he thought he had taken Bleach again that he was so angry at first but upon seeing Walter so upset and trembling was when he first he realized it was so much worse. By then he let go of the anger but he knew it wasn't going to change anything by then.

"Josh, it was nobody's fault," Megan answered with a hitch in her voice. "Think about it honestly. Drake went into cardiac arrest a total of eight times. Six of those times was just getting him to the hospital because they had a lot of trouble getting his heart beating again. The last two was before they got his stomach pumped and a new cocktail of drugs into his body. Until yesterday they had medication that was keeping his blood pressure up but now-"

"What?" Josh interrupted her. "Now that he's brain dead and we know he's not ever going to regain consciousness, we are going to let him die?"

Megan nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat. It was hard on her when she found out but this was Josh and Josh really really loved Drake despite all that he went through whenever Drake had something in his mind. Half of those crazy adventures would never have happened if it hadn't been for him but something told her that Josh wouldn't have it any other way.

"Why?" Josh asked quietly.

"He's brain is dead Josh," Megan said just as quietly. "He's suffering and soon if he doesn't get put on bypass, he's going to be stuck on that for the rest of his life too. Do you want your brother like that Josh? Do you want him to be stuck living life breathing through a tube? Do you want him to be connected to wires for the rest of his life when he won't ever regain consciousness?"

Josh shook his head and looked towards the door. It didn't matter that nobody thought it was his fault. He felt like it was. He turned back to Megan momentarily and she had tears in her eyes.

"If you want to blame anyone, you could blame me," She told him surprisingly.

"You didn't push him to this," Josh told her calmly.

He didn't feel very calm though.

"I often threatened him with whatever he was doing at the time that if he didn't stop those actions, he would find himself breathing through a tube," Megan answered honestly letting the tears fall freely now. "I didn't mean for it to be this way though. I didn't want him breathing through a tube and I didn't want for him to be dead. I didn't want my brother to die Josh and I wanted him to be here always. Why did this have to happen?"

Josh shrugged.

"Whatever happened wasn't your fault Megan. He just wanted to die and nothing anyone does is going to change that. He's dead and it's nobody's fault just like you said."

It was the ones that bullied him but he knew that Megan would feel bad that she didn't find that out and there was already so much stuff to regret. He didn't want her to have to regret more than she already had so he wouldn't say anymore on the subject.

"Go visit Drake now and say goodbye," Megan told him. "You'd regret it if you didn't tell him goodbye."

Josh headed inside hesitantly and seeing Drake with those tubes and wires made him tear up. Sitting at his bedside, he finally took his hands which was cold. He found himself tearing up as reality hit him now that he saw it with his own two eyes. Drake was on life support and he wasn't really alive. He was dead in every way that counted. Even if he was kept alive for years now, he wasn't going to be the same person he knew. He wasn't even going to be awake. He couldn't and that made him all the more sadder when he realized he wasn't getting his brother back. In fact after today he would have to get used to the fact that he was losing his brother.

"Drake," he called out softly.

Drake didn't stir but he didn't expect him to although a part of him wished he would. He bit his lip to keep from crying out and continued to rub his hands. It wasn't natural seeing Drake like this and being so cold. He should be warm, he thought rubbing them throughly to bring friction to them.

"Drake I know you can't hear me but a part of me hopes that you can. I want you to know that I don't blame you and I understand. I don't get why you couldn't come to me but I understand. I hope you didn't suffer much and that you are at peace with everything."

He paused and bit his lip again, thinking about what he could say that he should. This was going to be the last time and he didn't want Drake to think he hated him. He didn't want him to feel like even after all this had happened that Josh would blame him so badly that he would hate him for everything he did. Even if this was breaking Josh's heart he wasn't going to make anything anyone's fault. Drake was the best friend he had ever had and he couldn't stand the fact he was going to lose him but he was.

"Drake I know you thought you were a lot of things. You thought you had to hide it because you believed that you were a disappointment and just so you know, your father was wrong. He wasn't a very good dad and he may have messed you up some but you were always you if that makes sense and I love you for it. You're my brother and I'm proud to say that. You were never a disappointment Drake. You hear me? I will always be proud to have you too."

The bandages on his wrists covered the scars resulting from those who had hurt him but Josh didn't care about that. He reached over and hugged him as much as he could without interrupting the machines. He tried to tell himself that the machines needed to stay and that Drake could still come through but if he believed that then what would happen if it didn't happen. He didn't want to be set up for failure.

"I saw your kid and she's basically a miniature version of you," Josh continued hugging him close. "Man her mother said she couldn't sleep without hearing your voice and she hasn't even met you, not really. She remembers your voice though and knew you were important. You will never meet her and she will never know anything about you except your voice but she would still love you. She's your little girl. Madison is her name if you were wondering. You should have told me about that. I would have supported it wholeheartedly. I'm just glad you found Hannah. She's a sweet girl. Did you know that she loves you a whole lot? She even visited you more than I have and I still feel bad about that."

He paused to take a deep breath.

"I don't want you to go but I guess this is it. This is goodbye and I'm not ready because it is way too soon brother. You're my brotha from another mother. You were always supposed to be around and I need you. I need you a lot more than you ever needed me and I'm sorry I didn't realize it before. I'm sorry Drake. I'm sorry. I wish I did before and you wouldn't have done this. I'm just really sorry-"

He was cut off by the machines beeping. He was surprised when nobody came running though because his heart monitors were going off like crazy. Didn't they need to restart his heart so it would continue to beat? Megan entered hesitantly but stayed near the open door and then he understood what the meaning was for the goodbye. DNR. They were going to let him die naturally and if that meant that he died from his heart stopping they were going to let him. He was going to die because his heart wasn't going to start up again and Josh didn't know if he could handle that.

"Megan we need them to start his heart up again. I thought I was ready but I can't lose Drake. Not now, I need him-" He sobbed loudly as the machine continued to show a flat line.

Moving forward he pulled Drake into a huge hug, refusing to let go and afraid of being alone. He wasn't alone. Not really. He had his family and he had Mindy but he wouldn't have Drake and that part scared him the most. He needed Drake. He needed him more than he could ever imagine.

"If it helps they stopped the medication four days ago when mom signed the paperwork so he wouldn't be resuscitated." Megan replied with a small sob. "He held out for these last couple of days and we really wanted you to see him before this would happen. He was holding on for you Josh. He wanted you to say goodbye too because as soon as you said what you needed, it was obvious. He knew. Somehow he knew and he held on for you. He still loves you Josh and don't ever forget that."

Josh wished a part of him could.

His heart was on fire now and he felt like he couldn't breath. But even more than that was the prospect of being alone. He didn't want that.

But now he was. Because Drake was truly gone now.

A/N: Only about two more chapters to go now. Please let me know how I'm doing and if there are things you either like or dislike about this fic. Most of these were written during the time I was on holiday so I only have about two more chapters to work on. Hope you liked it even though so far this story has been depressing.