She had never meant it to be like this. But nothing in Ronnie's Mitchell's life had ever gone to plan. From finding out she was pregnant, to having Danielle ripped from her arms so painfully. She had built a life with Roxy in Ibiza, a sunny haven where she could forget the troubles that had marred her life since she was a young girl. But those troubles had been too hard to forget. No amount of sun, sand, drink and random men were ever going to change that. Moving to Walford with her baby sister had never been part of any plans but she had made Albert Square her home, she had locked eyes with a handsome stranger called Jack Branning. It didn't run smooth, but romance never did. But Ronnie had pictured herself with Jack, having a home and a life together yet it was two of the people closest to her in Roxy and Jack that had destroyed that plan. And then there was Danielle. Her angel. Being re-united with a part of her life that seemed so distant and lost was never part of any grand plan, it had been an impossible desire for 19 years but it was the best thing to ever happen to Ronnie. How could this have slipped away, how could she have let the best thing in her life crumble in her fingers? First Archie, then Stacey, then James and Weymouth and now, stood before her was her baby, lost and in a pain she could barely imagine or understand. It was never meant to be like this.
"I'm fine, what are you talking about?" Danielle muttered unconvincingly, she tried to wrestle free of Ronnie's grip but she didn't have the strength. "I'm talking about the fact that you are barely eating, being sick and now this" Ronnie said firmly, trying to cover up the fear in her voice by sounding strong. "Please not here, not here" Danielle whimpered quietly, her eyes darting round their deserted surroundings nervously. There was not a soul in sight, the gentle murmur of the morning crowd steadily grew in the distance but the swing was empty, the Arches and community centre still shut, awaiting to be opened for a new day.
"No Dan, we need to talk about this now," Ronnie stated, keeping her hands locked around Danielle's frail arms. Danielle continued to shuffle from side to side; her eyes glanced over Ronnie's before they shot off into the distance. Danielle couldn't look Ronnie in the eye, she was sure that all the pain would come flooding out if she did, that Ronnie would be able to look past the glazed tears to see the truth. The words stuck in her throat, the truth, an empty and pitiful excuse, neither could leave her lips. "Dan, talk to me please" Ronnie cried, frustrated and equally upset. "I can't, I can't" Danielle sobbed, shaking her head viciously from side to side.
"Ronnie, what's going on?" Roxy's voice pierced through Ronnie, disturbing the grip she had on Danielle. "Nothing Rox, everything is fine" Ronnie said. She had promised herself the lies would stop, covering the truth however painful it might be only went on to hurt the people she loved but this was no time for interruptions, however well intended they were. To her annoyance Ronnie could hear Roxy's footsteps coming closer as she made her way towards them. "Ronnie" Roxy said cautiously as she approached her sister's back, with each step the scene became more clear but ever more confusing and worrying to Roxy. "Ron, what are you doing? You're hurting her" Roxy cried as she saw Ronnie's hands locked around Danielle's limp arms, streams of tears running down Danielle's cheeks as her scared expression darted between Ronnie and Roxy.
"Just go home Roxy" Ronnie pleaded; she didn't have the strength to deal with Roxy and Danielle. Ronnie didn't know what was keeping her arms locked on Danielle's; fear, guilt, love? But Roxy didn't move, not a step as she tried to dig herself deeper into understanding the situation. "ROXY, GO!" Ronnie screamed, causing Roxy to jump back slightly as she taken aback by Ronnie's harsh tone. Shocked by Ronnie's outburst Roxy turned on the spot and bent down to her knees. "Sweetie, go play on the swing for a moment. Mummy will be right over" Roxy said quietly, lovingly stroking Amy's cheeks and wrapping her fingers between strands of her blond pigtails as she passed. And as Roxy's hushed words began to sink in Ronnie was horrified to see Amy appear from behind Roxy, oblivious to the increasingly worrying situation developing around her. Amy passed between Ronnie and Danielle, looking up at them both with a loving and innocent glance. Ronnie instinctively loosened her grip. She couldn't help but feel ashamed of what she had done, what she was doing even though she had tried to justify it to herself.
"I don't know what's happened but this isn't the place Ronnie" Roxy tried to reason with a conflicted looking Ronnie. As Ronnie glanced around her she began to realise that even though she knew she had the best of intentions, this way neither the way nor place to go about such a conversation. She glanced round to Amy playing happily on the swings, to the steady stream of people walking round the square, to Roxy staring desperately at her and then to Danielle. Her baby who had pulled back as far as Ronnie's grip would allow. Tears continued to flood down her cheeks and Ronnie saw that same frightened look in her daughter's eyes, a look that had flashed before her when she had been offered a plate of food or when Ronnie had found her at her weakest. But it began to dawn on Ronnie that there was something different in the glazed expression of Danielle. As Ronnie's hands stayed firmly around Danielle's arm Ronnie realised it was still fear, but now it was fear of her.
Ronnie's hand dropped to the floor, retreating to her side. She was terrified that if she let go, she wouldn't only be letting go of Danielle's arm but of Danielle herself. But to Ronnie's relief Danielle didn't bolt. She didn't have the strength. "Let's go home" Ronnie said nervously. With no other options home seemed the safest place.
Danielle shakily made her way up the stairs, every carpeted step causing her legs to shake as she struggled to find her footing. Ronnie followed closely behind, her hand stretched out and waiting to catch Danielle if she fell. Roxy had offered to come up with them but Ronnie insisted she take herself and Amy back to the Vic. Spending time alone with Danielle had become a nervous and awkward situation for Ronnie, however much she tried to force it. Her nerves and fear had only increased on the way back home, but she knew that she needed to talk to Danielle alone. If Danielle would even talk that is.
"Dan, sit down" Ronnie instructed as she gestured for Danielle to sit on the sofa. She wanted to sit next to her, squeeze in tightly between the arm and Danielle so she could feel her breath on her skin but Ronnie knew that Danielle would end up falling into her arms, Ronnie would give in and never ask the questions that had to be answered. She passed a glass of water to Danielle, who gratefully held it between her hands and began taking gentle sips. Ronnie dragged a kitchen chair opposite the couch and sat down opposite Danielle. "Dan, talk to me please" Ronnie begged. "There is nothing to say" Danielle muttered in between taking sips of the water. She lied even though she knew Ronnie wouldn't believe her. Ronnie was closing in on her, on the truth and there was nothing Danielle could do to stop it.
Ronnie lent back, sighing loudly in frustration that Danielle's guard had shot up again so suddenly. "I'm scared" Ronnie muttered, the thought crossed her mind as then flew out of her mouth. She recognised the signs in Danielle as her daughter pushed her back as far as she could into the cotton sofa, she had closed up and Ronnie knew that she had locked her fragile emotions away, she knew because she had always done the same. "What?" Danielle said, taken aback and confused by what Ronnie had just muttered. "I'm scared too. I am scared that I will lose you again" Ronnie repeated, staring into her daughter's eyes as Danielle started to fully pay attention to Ronnie and what she was saying. "I see what you are doing to yourself and I'm terrified that I am going to wake up one morning and you won't be with me anymore" Ronnie continued.
Danielle didn't know how to respond, how to act as she saw tears brimming in Ronnie's eyes. Her mother was exposed and open, telling Danielle the truth even though she could get hurt. Ronnie deserved the same. "I can't explain it" Danielle confessed, lost in the deep and mesmerising gaze of Ronnie's loving stare. "You don't have to explain, not at first. Just tell me what's been happening" Ronnie begged.
"I...I...feel like everything, everyone in my life has slipped away and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have lost so many people, mum, Stacey, James. I don't speak to dad or Gareth anymore and I just wanted to take control, make it all stop" Danielle confessed, her heart was beating faster but she couldn't stop, she didn't want to stop. "I thought that sooner or later you would leave to, because that's what everyone that I love does" Danielle began to sob in between her sentences.
"I am not going anywhere Danielle" Ronnie whispered as the sound of Danielle sobbing filled the room. "But you don't know what I have done. If you did, if you did you wouldn't love me anymore" Danielle's voice wobbled as she spoke, her breathing heavy. "That's not true. There is nothing, nothing you could do that would stop me loving you. Nothing" Ronnie replied, trying to keep her voice strong when she felt like collapsing inside. "You don't understand" Danielle muttered in reply, Ronnie was saying everything she wanted to hear yet she still felt scared. "Then make me understand, help me understand Dan. Please" Ronnie pleaded.
"Look at those pictures, that's not me anymore. I can't be happy and smiling and it's all my fault" Danielle sobbed. Danielle didn't know how to explain to Ronnie so she found her eyes darting round the room, trying to avoid Ronnie's gaze as she looked for answers. Danielle's eyes had fallen upon the mantel piece above the fireplace and the row of pictures that sat neatly upon the marble top. She looked at pictures of herself, of Ronnie of every warm and happy hug that the pair shared. Ronnie glanced over her shoulder to see where Danielle was looking.
"They don't mean a thing Danielle" Ronnie said as she shot up from her seat to the mantel piece, taking a photo of herself and Danielle in her hands. "They're just photos, none of this. Any of this means anything if you are not here with me" Ronnie screamed as she knocked the row of photos off the mantel piece, the frames and shades of glass cracking against the living room floor. She hadn't meant to lose her temper so dramatically but weeks of frustration, weeks of closed doors and terrifying silences exploded until she was unable to control her anger anymore. In the past she could close of her feelings, shut down when it all got too much but this time she couldn't, she was too important. She bent down and picked up a smashed photo, the splintered glass and chipped frame covering the memory of a happier time. "They are just photos, they don't matter. Nothing matters, no one matters except for you" Ronnie cried, throwing the frame down onto the floor.
"Stop, just stop" Danielle screamed as Ronnie began to lean down to pick up the remains of another broken photo frame. "I have a problem with food ok, I make myself sick!" Danielle cried. The room was silent once more.
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