Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle. And I want you to procede with caution. The mentioned topics may be triggering and aren't pleasant at all. So please refrain from reading if you think you can't deal with sexual assault/attempted rape.
Note: A big thank you especially to the guests (annie and all the others) for reviewing! I hope I didn't forget anyone else because I think I replied to anyone with an account and messages turned on.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my ideas. Veronice Roth does.
Chapter 24
I won't let the fear overpower me. Not this time. I throw my head back violently, hitting my attacker in the mouth feeling his teeth against the back of my head. He hisses in pain, grabs my head and slams it against the tiles. My cheek connects with it and explodes in pain. I feel blood running from it but just on an unconscious level. My whole being is set on one thing. To make him suffer. I chase away the dizziness still there and pull my hands violently down hoping he is just as dizzy as I am. It works and I can plant them next to me against the tiles. I push myself with full force away from the wall, making him stumble and fall backwards. I hear a loud thud and a cling and I know he is out cold.
My breath is ragged as I bend down to get my towel, wanting nothing more than to flee from the room. But first I have to look, have to see it with my own eyes. I turn around and there he lays unconscious. Al, the big softy who I know is a coward. His lip is split, teeth light red from the blood and I see a big bump starts to appear on the back of his head where it connected with the pipes.
"What's going on here?" I turn my head and see Peter out of the corners of my eyes. He is the last person I want to see. I don't answer him.
"Stiff, what happened?" His voice is barely above a whisper as he starts to see what could only be described as attempted rape. He takes a step closer coming over to me. I am glad I retrieved my towel when I could, clasping it in front of me. He watches me, takes in my bloody cheek.
"Everything alright?" I am confused why he would care. I nod, feeling really alright. Of course I am shaken from the things that nearly happened but a part of my brain also knows I was strong enough to prevent it. The same part that knows that not every men did that but just one. The one right in front of me. I keep my eyes trained on Al. Al that had a crush on me and cried because he couldn't congratulate his mother to her birthday. Al that is now twisted and broken because he was too weak for an initiation that he should have never entered to begin with. Soft Al who should have chosen Amity.
"What's that on your back?" Peter's voice startles me. I know without a doubt that he isn't talking about my tattoo and at the moment I don't care if he knows the truth or not. I turn to him, my grey-blue eyes fixed on his dark-blue ones. I don't know how I look or what my eyes show in that moment, but he shivers slightly and then frowns.
"My father." I just answer and turn away from Al, wrapping the towel around me more securely. I go to the dorm but before I leave I fix Peter with my eyes again.
"Don't tell anyone what you saw, what happened here or what I told you or you are dead." He simply nods though he doesn't appear to feel threatened.
I pull on my clothes and leave the dorm. I won't stay here. Not tonight and I wish not ever again. But I probably have to.
I knock at the door hoping I found the right one. At first there is nothing and then I hear soft steps approaching the wooden barrier. When Jules opens the door I smile slightly and she just looks shocked. Without a word she lets me enter and pushes me to her bathroom, pointing to the toilet. I sit down and don't protest when she starts to clean my cheek first with water then with disinfection. I don't hiss in pain though the spray hurts. Jules is gone for a few minutes and returns with a patch and a small pack of ice.
We sit down on her couch after she made sure I am not hurt anywhere else. She is serving the tea she gave me the last time I was here. The scent of the hot liquid calms me down even though I thought I was calm before. I don't look at Jules but I feel her eyes on me. The liquid in my cup is just too fascinating.
"Do you need me to get Eric?" I stiffen and then chuckle lightly, a bit self-ironic. The thought of her getting Eric because she thinks it would help me is disturbing and hilarious at the same time. I don't think I can face him under normal circumstances at the moment not to talk about now.
"I don't think I could talk to him right now." Out of the corner of my eyes I see Jules frown. I think I know why she asked me. The last time something happened he was the one to calm me down, to be there for me. But it was before I realised I have a crush on him and before the strange conversation. And I just wouldn't feel comfortable telling him the story of Al trying to rape me.
"Than talk to me. What happened with your cheek? And why is there blood in your hair?"
"I don't think I can talk about that either." My voice slightly wavers and I clear my throat after taking a cautious sip from the cup.
"Well, Tris, you have two options here. I can take you to Eric and you will have to talk to him. No one gets away from him least of all you the way you look at the moment." I snort but Jules ignores it, voice serious.
"Or you talk to me and I won't judge you and won't tell a soul if you don't want me to. It should be clear as a sunny day that you can't just show up here in a mess and expect me to just take you in without questioning you. Without being concerned for you." I sigh. I know she is right and I am really grateful.
"I was attacked after I finished my shower. An initiate." I hear Jules take in a deep breath but she doesn't say anything and I continue.
"He pushed me front first against a wall and tried to pin me there." I snort again because it isn't very funny and I feel livid thinking about it.
"As if he could take me down. I was three times better than him in the first stage. He threatened me, wanted to have revenge because I apparently turned him down, I guess. But I don't know for sure... there wasn't much talking going on and its not like he explained anything." I pause again, taking a bigger gulp from my cup, the tea still hot and burning my throat and tongue a bit, but I don't care. It's good to have control over the pain I feel.
"So I threw back my head, getting him in the mouth. He reciprocated, slamming my face against the tiles but he didn't count on my fierceness to not let that happen to me. I got my hands free, pushed him back full force. He stumbled I think and fell landing with his head on the pipes. Good thing the Leaders don't care about our bathrooms to have them all nice and updated. Can't believe some rusty pipes stopped the rape." When I say this out loud a lump forms in my throat and this time I stay silent for good. I put down the cup, pull down the sleeves of my pullover so I can hide my hands in them. Jules doesn't try to reach out for me and when I look into her eyes I don't see pity like the last time. I see pride in them. She smiles a small smile and I reply with one of my own. She shakes her head.
"I can't believe that he would underestimate you." We share a laugh then, because crying isn't an option.
"I don't want anyone else to know. This is between the two of us, ok?" I know I demand a lot from her but I hope she appreciates my leap of faith in her and reciprocates.
"You know you have every right to bring this to the authorities?" She asks and I nod.
"It doesn't need to be looked at. He will be factionless soon enough. So let's just pretend that didn't happen and tell no one?" I narrow my eyes a bit, find some strength to even put some threat into them as well. Jules nods and smiles.
"Pssch, please... I value my life, thank you very much." I grin at her in response, but I feel exposed and even though I believe her I have to make sure one last time.
"Not even Eric, Jules. Please." Her face becomes serious and she nods.
"I promise, Tris. It's like I told you: If you don't want anyone to know, I won't tell." We stay silent afterwards, not uncomfortable but companionable. The minutes tick by but I don't really notice, my thoughts thankfully circling smoothly without touching any dangerous topics.
I wake up on Jules' couch again, feeling just as relaxed as I did last time. Maybe because there aren't eight other people sleeping in the same room with me. I think I will never be comfortable sleeping with so many people so close to me. It feels threatening, even more so now because I know one of them is broken enough to try to rape me.
I use Jules' shower, feeling better now that I have the safety of a private bathroom. When I exit the shower I take my time to get dressed. I notice the bruises at my wrists but just fleetingly. They will soon go away. I am more concerned about the small cut on my cheek. It will be difficult to find an explanation for the blue and violet hues around it.
I don't linger to long in front of the mirror. When I enter the living room Jules has already prepared breakfast again. We sit together not really talking enjoying a small meal in silence. I help Jules clean the table and she shows me how she brews the tea I took a liking too. I associate it with safety I guess.
I know I should go soon because there are still one and a half days of stage two left but I take my time, sitting with Jules who tells me stories about her time in Erudite, things she did with Lisa, tells me about her parents, and how they reacted to her decision to join Dauntless.
"You should have seen my mother's face when she saw me on Visiting Day. I think she would still be speechless if my father hadn't pulled one of his dry jokes." I laugh alongside her, enjoying the way she tells her anecdotes that I can picture it myself.
"What did he say?" I ask and I know there is a humorous glint in my eyes mirroring her own.
"Well he put an arm around me and said..." Suddenly there is a knock on the door that interrupts Jules.
"The door is open." She yells and I look at her incredulous. She just shrugs. Eric enters and stops dead in his tracks when he sees me. His eyes immediately narrow.
"What happened." He doesn't ask, he demands an answer.
"I fell and Jules cleaned the wound." I say, shrugging nonchalantly. It's slightly ironic that I still can come up with lies so easily even after I left Abnegation. Then it was to cover the abuse, now it is to cover an attack. Maybe that's the reason why.
Jules plays along just fine, nods and throws him an easy smile. He stays silent and I play indifference. I lean to the table and want to take my cup casually to not show him how his whole presence changes the atmosphere around me and affects me. Too late I see my sleeve isn't hiding my wrist anymore, showing the dark bruises. I inwardly curse but try to play it cool, taking my cup and sipping at it as if nothing happened. Eric stares me down, probably wants me to submit to his intense glare but it lost it frightening quality when I realised I have a crush on him, I guess.
"Nice try. Come up with something better." He says, voice laced with suppressed anger, closes the door and steps forward. He crosses his arm in front of his chest, his face a cool mask. I don't back down and look back to him in defiance. Our eyes are glued to each other, challenging and I need to concentrate to not get lost there. It's strange that he has this effect even though I feel angry and defiant. Maybe it is because I am vulnerable at the moment?
"Let it drop, Eric. Everything's fine. What do you want?" Jules speaks up and I thank her silently, letting my eyes drop to the cup in my hand. At first I think Eric wants to ignore her, feeling his stare at my long covered wrist, eyebrows furrowed for just a second then he ignores me instead not meeting my eyes, not even glancing in my direction. I am torn between relaxing and feeling hurt. I scoff at myself.
"I wanted to ask you if you would like to go down to eat lunch. I have time on my hands until later." His voice is calm and deep again. I feel Goosebumps rise on my arms.
"I would like that. I will be out in just a few minutes." She smiles at him and he nods once, leaving her flat and probably waiting outside. Jules looks at me, at the slight flush in my cheeks and the way I hold my cup like a lifeline, still staring at her front door he just left through. I bite my lip. I hear her clear her throat and look in her direction. She smiles gleefully and I roll my eyes.
"Just say it already." I growl not at her but at my reaction. It seems I get more obvious every time I encounter him.
"I think you are head over heels for my best friend. And already deep into him by the looks of it." She chuckles lightly but keeps her voice down. I am grateful for her foresight.
"What can I say, you are right but being a former Erudite that isn't too surprising." I huff and Jules chuckles again at my reaction.
"I just don't know what to do about it." I say, gulping down the last remains of my tea.
"Well, you can tell him." I look at her ready to kill her and she laughs out loud this time.
"Just kidding. Don't look at me like that." She throws a small pillow at me, smiling and I smile slightly as well, enjoying the light atmosphere even though we are talking about my feelings. Jules reaction helps me to accept my crush for Eric a bit more.
We bring our cups into her small kitchen. I start to rinse them in the sink and realise that I have to leave the comfortable flat because of course I can't stay here forever. I really don't want to face anyone else at the moment but there is no other way. I won't hide because there is no reason to. I may have some injuries and the incident itself left me a foul taste of vulnerability in my mouth but I stepped up for myself. I didn't let someone else hurt me like I did in my fear serum stimulation. Jules looks at me for a moment, smiling encouragingly.
"Don't worry, Tris. Everything will be alright eventually." I glance in her direction and I want to believe her.
I spot Uriah, Lynn and Marlene at their usual table and decide to join them. They will see me later for the training anyway and I think it would be better to get over with it, letting them ask their questions. I am close to their table when I feel a hand on my arm, turning me around. I stiffen and take a cautious step back. Al stands in front of me. Split lip, bump on his head, pale features and a blue eye? I didn't give him that.
I find Peter's eyes for a moment and surprisingly see satisfaction. Is he responsible for Al's black eye? I am sure he is when he nods in my direction once. I return the gesture, small smile on my face and feeling a slight connection with the boy who always insulted and humiliated me. Who would have thought...? But the feeling vanishes soon after when I remember who stands in front of me. I really don't want to hear his words or any excuses because there are none. Nothing can excuse what he tried to do to me. Even worst is his body language. He behaves like a kicked puppy, like he was the one nearly raped. Bile raises in my throat and then he starts to speak and I just want to vomit.
"Tris, I don't know what came over me...the stress, missing my parents, that I will be Factionless tomorrow... I...please, can you forgive me?" His voice is a whimper, his eyes big and full of regret. I have never been so disgusted in my entire life.
"If you ever ... ever come near me again, I will kill you." I emphasize each word, my voice stronger and louder than I expected making a few faces turn in our direction. "You are such a coward."
With that I turn around and I don't care that I saw something break in his eyes. I join Uriah, Marlene and Lynn who look at me funnily but don't ask any questions just lending me their silent support. Lynn passes me her salad because she knows I still like to eat things that don't have too much spices on them, Marlene throwing me my water that she always takes with her when I am late for a meal and Uriah making a stupid joke about a make-up experiment gone wrong, laughingly pointing a finger to my cheek. I grin at them and am happy for my privilege to call them my friends. We continue to eat and I listen to their banter, quipping up when I have something to add and smiling alongside them. I don't feel remorse for my behavior towards Al because I have every right to hate his guts. Real friends don't try to rape one another.
Thanks for reading - review please.