Title: In Your Eyes

Authors: Raven Shadowrose/BeethovenRIP

Rating: M

Pairing: ?/?

Summary: A joint FanFic by Raven Shadowrose and BeethovenRIP based on Dixie and Jeff's conversation at the end of Series 26 Episode 36. We have rated it M as future chapters will contain adult themes. Dixie wants to be a mother and Jeff is all too willing to oblige, but, does their conversation in the ED have an unexpected effect on their relationship?

Disclaimer: The authors do not know or own any characters or content from Casualty, any original characters and the story are ours and we do not give permission for anyone to use the story or reproduce it.

Author's Note: Thank you to chan. nelson4444, olivia. c. king1 and Carlykinz for your reviews, are you ready for more?

Chapter Twenty-Five.

Jeff stood in the doorway of his bedroom, he looked around the baron setting, there was nothing left in there now but a bed and some wardrobes. Jeff didn't think that this day would ever come around, but it had. All of his possessions were packed into boxes and suitcases in the back of the car ready to go. He really didn't want to go, he didn't want to leave, his moment of pure anger of pure thoughtlessness had come back and bitten him twice over. He wished he could take back what he had said, he wished he could take back the transfer request and asking for a divorce, but, he couldn't. Jeff no longer felt like he deserved Dixie's love or her attention, this was his punishment for hurting her and he was going to have to accept it.

Jeff stared at the empty space in front of him, so many memories flooded his mind as he closed his eyes, so many happy memories with a few sad ones intertwined within them, all had Dixie at the heart of them. Dixie, his Dixie, what had he done to her? Whenever he closed his eyes, her face popped in front of them, her blue eyes and blonde hair, her smile, the smile he hadn't seen since they started arguing, the smile he took away.

Slowly he walked over to the bedroom wall, that fateful wall where he first made love to his best friend, the wall and action that changed their lives for ever. Jeff placed his hand on the wall running it downwards as he replayed the scene in his head. He continued to move around his room before sitting back on his bed. He had shared his bed with Dixie so many times, they had slept together, held each other, read books together, watched a film whilst snuggled under the covers. Jeff thought back to all the times they had sat in his room talking and laughing before they became a couple, all the memories he had of tickling Dixie and chasing her around his room after a hard day at work. There were also the times he cried himself to sleep over his children, over his failed marriage, over so many things, each time he awoke the following day, Dixie was by his side. She told him that she often crept into his bed when she heard him crying and just held him close. He was grateful for her tender actions then, they meant so much to him. Who will hold me now as I cry myself to sleep each night? No one. I don't deserve anyone.

Taking a deep breath, Jeff moved around the top floor of their home, stopping at each door, looking into each room, every time a new memory came to the forefront of his mind and made him smile. The bathroom only had Dixie's things in it now, all of his possessions had been packed, he smiled as one memory came back to him.

FLASHBACK
Jeff was downstairs watching the football results when he heard a blood curdling scream. It made him jump and Little Abs ran wildly towards the stairs. Jeff raced up to the top nearly colliding with Dixie who was wrapped in a towel.
'Whoa Princess, what's the matter?' Jeff asked as Dixie ran straight to him and hid behind him.
'There is a bloody huge spider in the shower Jeffrey, get rid of it.'
Jeff roared with laughter staring at his best friend, was she really that scared of a spider?

Jeff laughed at the memory again; who will get rid of the spiders for her now he was going? He continued to walk around the upstairs stopping at her bedroom, her door was shut but he wanted to go in. Dixie had taken Abs out for a long walk in the park, so she wasn't behind the door. Jeff opened it, immediately her scent filled his nostrils as he walked in. Jeff glanced around her room; it had changed since he was last in there. He noticed how Dixie had taken down all the photos of them, put away all the things he had brought her as presents over the years. Tears filled his eyes once more as the true extent of her hurt set in. He went over to her dressing table and sat on the stool, he noticed her scarf was on the side, she would always wear it. Jeff picked it up and held it close to his face, he could smell her on it, smell her perfume on it. He needed something to remind him of her when he went to London, he had her photo on his phone, but, he wanted to be reminded of her scent. He wanted to hold something close to him as he went to sleep each night, was that wrong of him? Jeff sprayed the scarf with some of Dixie's perfume before placing it safely in his coat pocket.

Jeff continued to walk around the house taking in all the smells and sights one last time. His life had changed so much in such a short space of time since the transfer was approved. He had tried to talk to Dixie several times about it, but, each time he got near to her; he bottled it and moved away. If he wasn't near her any more, he couldn't hurt her any more. Right?

He had already found a place to live; he was renting a small fully furnished flat that was a short walk from Lucy and the kids as well as only a twenty minute drive from the Ambulance station. Sitting down on the sofa, Jeff held his head in his hands; he wanted so desperately to see Dixie before he went, to tell her he was sorry, to hold her close, to ask her to reverse the transfer, would he get the opportunity? He remembered his promise, he would never love another as long as life will stand, no maid the whole world over shall hold his heart or hand. Closing his eyes, Jeff lost himself once more in his memories.

FLASHBACK
'Norman, wait up mate.' Jeff called after the Paramedic as he jogged across the bay, 'how is she this morning?'
'The same as she was yesterday, the same as she was the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that, come to think of it, the same she has been for the last three weeks Jeff. She is a mess; she is quiet, subdued, insular, emotional and broken.'

Norman's words were harsh and cut straight through Jeff to his heart. Norman saw Jeff look down to the floor, he knew he was hurting as well, he also knew how much Jeff still cared for Dixie. Every day he would ask Norman how she was, every day he would give Norman money to buy Dixie drinks and food with throughout the day. Norman didn't want to accept it, but, if it made Jeff feel a little better, if it made he feel that he was providing for his wife, he would do that. Norman often thought about telling Dixie where the money had come from, but, he was worried that she wouldn't eat or drink anything if she knew. 'Jeff, why don't you go and speak with her?'
'She won't let me anywhere near her Norman, I cannot blame her, she avoids me at work and at home, I hardly see her any more.'
'Come with me.'
Jeff followed Norman through the bay and the rec room until they were both stood outside Dixie's office. Jeff looked on as he saw her with her head down reading through paperwork of replacements. He watched her mindlessly flick through the profiles trying to decide who to choose. Jeff was brought back to earth by Norman pushing him gently, 'go on, talk to her.'
'I can't Norman, I just can't.'
'Jeff, it is clear to me and everyone here that you two are still madly in love with one another and that you need each other.'
'But I asked her for a transfer and divorce, I can't change that.'
'No, but you can make it right before it goes too far Jeff.' Norman took a slight pause, he really didn't understand marriages or love come to think of it, but he wanted to try and help. 'Jeff, what made you fall in love with her?'
'Everything, her smile, her eyes, her personality, her kind and caring persona. I love the way she brushes her hair, the way she worries about how she looks. She is beautiful on the outside as well as on the inside. She is my best friend, my lover and my soul mate and I have hurt her so much.'
'Tell her that.' Norman spoke softly giving Jeff a pat on the shoulder before walking away.
Jeff stared at his Dixie as she picked up the phone and dialled a number, he couldn't quite make out what she was saying, but, she had just picked his replacement. How could he ask her to let him stay now? How could he tell her all those things now? It was selfish of him; he had a chance with her and had wrecked it.

The rest of the week was silent at home as well as at work, no one would really talk to Jeff, even Norman had stopped after he wouldn't talk to Dixie. He was well and truly alone. He had heard about his replacement on the grapevine and knew that he was now no longer welcome in Holby. He had contacted Lucy to tell her he was moving to London and had spoken to his children. They had asked him if Dixie was coming with him, he couldn't tell them the truth, so, said she would join him later once he was settled. Jeff had also found a place to live and had spoken with his new Duty Manager to confirm his shift pattern.

Jeff arrived at his locker again at the end of his shift to find a note from Dixie attached to it;
I have booked you the rest of the week off so you can get yourself sorted for your move.
That was it, no name signed, no kiss, no nothing, just to the point.
Jeff read it, tracing her writing with his finger before placing it in his wallet; he just wanted to keep hold of her in his life for a little bit longer. He wasn't at all surprised to not have a leaving do or anything, he got a card which everyone had signed, everyone apart from Dixie anyway.

He wondered what he would do in the house all day while she was at work, each morning he would get up and open his door to find a neat pile of his washing all done for him. He never knew how she did it, how she managed to sneak into his room and collect his washing, do it and have it back for him. There were so many things he was going to miss, so many things he wanted to say, so many hurtful comments he wanted to apologise for, would she speak to me again before I left?
Jeff opened his eyes once again, it was time for him to go, he couldn't put it off any longer as he was working a night shift later. Taking one last look around the house he called his home for so many years, Jeff shut the front door and walked to the car.

Dixie watched him from behind the trees at the end of the road, she had wanted to give Jeff space to get himself ready while fighting with her own emotions to run home to him and beg him to stay. Dixie held onto the lead tightly as she watched Jeff stand in front of the car looking up and down the road, she watched him take out his phone and check it before pacing the front garden. Dixie's already broken heart split that little bit more as she saw Jeff look up to the sky and take a deep breath, it was obvious he was fighting back the tears. She felt rooted to the spot, unable to move, she had to let him go.

Dixie felt her own tears fall as she leant against the tree watching her husband, the man she loved, the man who stole her heart before promptly breaking it get into the car and drive off. She hid behind the trees as he drove past her before he disappeared from her view. 'Goodbye My Jeffrey, I love you and always will love you. Drive and keep safe Handsome.'