Aurora couldn't stand to see her beloved husband in so much pain. She knew she was at fault for it, for not discussing the matter further with him, for not telling him her dreams, but she also knew that he was just as much at fault. She had told him she didn't want children, that she was afraid for their future, but he wouldn't listen. Now she knew why. It was his dream to be a father, to have a family, and she took that away from him. She hated herself for what she had done to her husband. But at the same time, she knew she wasn't wrong. Holy, how she wished he would hold her right then!
Aurora heaved a deep sigh. She felt horrible, and as well she should. She was a monster of a wife to do what she had done. She knew she would never be forgiven, and rightly so. She was afraid that this would affect their marriage, that, though they were bound heart and soul for all of eternity, he would want nothing to do with her after this. The thought alone made her want to die again, hoping that she would stay dead. The want alone was strong enough to make her reach for her sai momentarily, before she stopped herself. She had promised him not to do it again, and this time she was going to keep that promise.
Mooney looked up at her with red, haggard eyes when her hand twitched towards her sai, the pain deepening in his eyes when he realized what she was trying to do, but he did not stop her. In stead, she stopped herself, and he gave an inward sigh of relief. He felt the same pain she did, though more so for his shattered dreams, and he understood why, for that moment, she wanted death over life. Still, he said nothing.
"I know you're mad at me," she said finally, not moving, "and I understand why. What I did to you was horrible, and I am sorry. I hope some day you will forgive me. I had no right to shatter your dreams like that."
"Got that right." he said sullenly, his voice thick and rough from sobbing.
"I...can't quite put into words what made me make this decision, or why I didn't tell you about it."
"You mean those nightmares? I figured they had something to do with it."
"If it is any comfort, this was not planned. I made the decision last night, when I woke up from that nightmare. It was...spur of the moment."
"That's not like you. You plan things out first." he said blandly.
"I know."
"So what was so horrible about that particular nightmare that made you do this? Why wouldn't you tell me about it?"
"Because...I was afraid you'd figure me out and try to stop me."
"DAMMIT AURORA! If you had told me from the beginning just what you were dreaming, I would have stopped pestering you! Holy, I was thinking of giving it up when we talked about it last night! I saw what it did to you, and it really tore me up to have to choose between you and my dreams, but I was choosing you!"
"So, either way I would have hurt you. I guess this was more...definite."
"No, this was far worse. Giving up on a dream is worse than having it shattered. Add to that a broken promise, a VERY important promise."
"I know I'm a monster." she said, closing her eyes, if only to keep tears from pouring out again. "I deserve your spite, your hatred, your rage. I deserve that and worse, so I wouldn't hate you or blame you for anything you do to punish me for this."
"Let me into your head so I can look around. Then I'll decide."
"The door is open."
Mooney stepped into her mind and was nearly crushed by the same, oppressive darkness that he thought he had gotten rid of. It was far worse than any other time. He wondered why her body wasn't showing it yet, and thought that maybe there was one small light that saved her from breaking down completely and going back to what she had been. What it was, he couldn't be sure. For now, he was focused on the crushing weight on him, and the form of his wife, curled into a fetal position, once again frozen and in her black dress and cape, in front of him. His heart went out to her, and he wanted to hold her, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. He had other things to do first.
Beyond his wife, he saw her emotions. Guilt, Sorrow, and Logic were all bickering. Love was in the back ground, quiet and still, alive, but frozen, and so was her sister, Passion.
"It's my fault." Guilt repeated, "It's all my fault. I hurt him. I hurt him so much, and for what? So my wishes could be respected? I'm a terrible wife! I don't deserve someone so wonderful as him. I deserve to rot in hell!"
Mooney placed a hand on her shoulder and she shrinked back, tears running down her face.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" she repeated over and over again to him.
"I should have just given him the children he wanted," Sorrow moaned in grief, "I should have just gotten pregnant and bore his children like he wanted. If I had done that, he would have been happy."
"Nonsense, child," Logic said, though tears were streaming down her face, too,"If we had done that, the children would have died, and that would have torn him apart, as well as us. If not from old age, then from being murdered by anyone who sees them. If we hadn't done what we did, we really would have gotten pregnant, and then we'd have to witness the death of our children all over again. We could not stand that. He could not stand that. It would be too much, and we might just kill him in a blind rage."
"But...I wanted children too! I wanted them badly!"
"And you decided not to, because you knew what kind of life they would have had. They would have spent their life in fear of others all the time. That's no way to live."
Mooney's rage seemed to soften and die down at those words. Why would she think such a thing? What possessed her to think she would kill him accidentally? But most of all, this whole time she had acted like she didn't want children, but really she did! She was as torn up about it as he was, and he hadn't seen that. Then again, she had never showed it to him.
"Show me your dream last night." he said to Logic, knowing that she, at least, would comply.
"Yes, I suppose it's the logical thing to do now." Logic said, sniffling, "It seems only fair."
A moment passed and a vision appeared before them. Aurora was playing with their children - twins! A boy and a girl! - both named after people they has been connected to. Their daughter named for his lost lover, their son for her father. He'd asked their son to help split wood, and they both complied. Then the villagers came. Aurora fought to keep them from being pulled from her arms, as he had, but it was no use. They had been pulled away, and killed in front of them gruesomely. Dead eyes stared at Aurora, and she lost it right then and there. Her sais came out and they fought side by side, killing each and every villager present. In the end, she mistook him for one of the villagers and plunged her sai through his heart. When he toppled over dead, she came to herself and realized what she had done. She cried over his body, then turned the sai on herself.
Mooney felt a fist clenching on his heart. So, that's why she was so afraid. She wasn't just afraid for their future. She was afraid of losing them, and with them, losing her sanity. She was afraid that, in losing her sanity, she would kill him on accident. Or even on purpose, thinking he was, for some reason, the enemy. She'd lost a husband and son before, and she couldn't bear to have it happen again, so she removed the problem all together. His heart went out to her, and this time he really did hold her, tears streaming down his face.
"Oh, Aurora," he sobbed as he rocked her back and forth in his arms, "you should have told me! I'm sorry I harassed you so much about it. I wish I had known what kind of dreams you were having. I wasn't the only one to give up on a dream, was I? You wanted children, too, didn't you?"
Aurora just nodded her head, not saying anything. Her body shook violently, hitching harshly with each silent sob she made. Ice dropped on his chest and arms, as she cried frozen tears in her mind. Now the question was, why was her mind back to what it was, but her body was not?
That question was answered when Love Aurora finally stepped forward, her face streaked with golden tears.
"You kept me alive in more ways than one." she said, her voice thick from crying. "I'm sorry I hurt you."
Mooney stepped out of her mind then and curled up next to her on the ground, pulling her in close. Tears were streaming down her face, as well as his, and both were sobbing softly.
"I understand now." he said, still crying, "I understand why you broke your promise to me. You were trying to keep me safe, weren't you?"
Aurora just nodded her head.
"I see now, and I think I can forgive you. You should have told me, though, about your dreams and fears. You should have told me everything. I'm your husband, and I'm here to help you."
"I know." Aurora finally croaked in his arms, "I know that. But I was afraid you would leave me."
"Why would you think that? Holy, Aurora! All these years I've ALWAYS put your safety before mine. I would never leave you. You're my wife, and I love you! I always have and always will!"
"I'm such a fool." she said, finally sobbing out loud.
"Yeah, you are. But you're MY fool." he said, gently petting her silky black hair.
"Thanks, Mooney." she said after calming down a bit. "I really don't deserve you."
"Yeah, well, you're stuck with me, so deal with it. Besides, believe it or not, I'm not perfect."
"Never would have guessed it." she said, and Mooney wasn't sure if she was trying to make a joke, or if she was being serious. "What's my punishment?"
"I think ripping out your own uterus and shattering your own dreams is punishment enough. But I must admit, you've got balls to do something like that."
"No, I don't. I'm a woman. Women do not have 'balls'."
"It's an expression, love. It means you are really strong, and really courageous, and really bull-headed."
"I don't know about the first two, but I'll buy that last one."
"Did you..." Mooney said, hesitating, "Did you...die? From blood loss? You look so pale, and you haven't moved a muscle yet."
"No, though I lost more than I thought I would. I sealed the blood vessels as soon as they were split so I wouldn't bleed to death. I guess I missed a few around the opening, though. I just feel weak and tired now."
"Do you feel hungry?"
"No."
"Well, too bad. Once we get home, you're going to eat lots of fruit and fish, even if I have to force feed you. And you're going to drink lots of water." he said, standing up with Aurora in his arms.
"Okay." she said groggily, a wave of dizziness passing over her until she lost consciousness.
Aurora heaved a deep sigh. She felt horrible, and as well she should. She was a monster of a wife to do what she had done. She knew she would never be forgiven, and rightly so. She was afraid that this would affect their marriage, that, though they were bound heart and soul for all of eternity, he would want nothing to do with her after this. The thought alone made her want to die again, hoping that she would stay dead. The want alone was strong enough to make her reach for her sai momentarily, before she stopped herself. She had promised him not to do it again, and this time she was going to keep that promise.
Mooney looked up at her with red, haggard eyes when her hand twitched towards her sai, the pain deepening in his eyes when he realized what she was trying to do, but he did not stop her. In stead, she stopped herself, and he gave an inward sigh of relief. He felt the same pain she did, though more so for his shattered dreams, and he understood why, for that moment, she wanted death over life. Still, he said nothing.
"I know you're mad at me," she said finally, not moving, "and I understand why. What I did to you was horrible, and I am sorry. I hope some day you will forgive me. I had no right to shatter your dreams like that."
"Got that right." he said sullenly, his voice thick and rough from sobbing.
"I...can't quite put into words what made me make this decision, or why I didn't tell you about it."
"You mean those nightmares? I figured they had something to do with it."
"If it is any comfort, this was not planned. I made the decision last night, when I woke up from that nightmare. It was...spur of the moment."
"That's not like you. You plan things out first." he said blandly.
"I know."
"So what was so horrible about that particular nightmare that made you do this? Why wouldn't you tell me about it?"
"Because...I was afraid you'd figure me out and try to stop me."
"DAMMIT AURORA! If you had told me from the beginning just what you were dreaming, I would have stopped pestering you! Holy, I was thinking of giving it up when we talked about it last night! I saw what it did to you, and it really tore me up to have to choose between you and my dreams, but I was choosing you!"
"So, either way I would have hurt you. I guess this was more...definite."
"No, this was far worse. Giving up on a dream is worse than having it shattered. Add to that a broken promise, a VERY important promise."
"I know I'm a monster." she said, closing her eyes, if only to keep tears from pouring out again. "I deserve your spite, your hatred, your rage. I deserve that and worse, so I wouldn't hate you or blame you for anything you do to punish me for this."
"Let me into your head so I can look around. Then I'll decide."
"The door is open."
Mooney stepped into her mind and was nearly crushed by the same, oppressive darkness that he thought he had gotten rid of. It was far worse than any other time. He wondered why her body wasn't showing it yet, and thought that maybe there was one small light that saved her from breaking down completely and going back to what she had been. What it was, he couldn't be sure. For now, he was focused on the crushing weight on him, and the form of his wife, curled into a fetal position, once again frozen and in her black dress and cape, in front of him. His heart went out to her, and he wanted to hold her, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. He had other things to do first.
Beyond his wife, he saw her emotions. Guilt, Sorrow, and Logic were all bickering. Love was in the back ground, quiet and still, alive, but frozen, and so was her sister, Passion.
"It's my fault." Guilt repeated, "It's all my fault. I hurt him. I hurt him so much, and for what? So my wishes could be respected? I'm a terrible wife! I don't deserve someone so wonderful as him. I deserve to rot in hell!"
Mooney placed a hand on her shoulder and she shrinked back, tears running down her face.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" she repeated over and over again to him.
"I should have just given him the children he wanted," Sorrow moaned in grief, "I should have just gotten pregnant and bore his children like he wanted. If I had done that, he would have been happy."
"Nonsense, child," Logic said, though tears were streaming down her face, too,"If we had done that, the children would have died, and that would have torn him apart, as well as us. If not from old age, then from being murdered by anyone who sees them. If we hadn't done what we did, we really would have gotten pregnant, and then we'd have to witness the death of our children all over again. We could not stand that. He could not stand that. It would be too much, and we might just kill him in a blind rage."
"But...I wanted children too! I wanted them badly!"
"And you decided not to, because you knew what kind of life they would have had. They would have spent their life in fear of others all the time. That's no way to live."
Mooney's rage seemed to soften and die down at those words. Why would she think such a thing? What possessed her to think she would kill him accidentally? But most of all, this whole time she had acted like she didn't want children, but really she did! She was as torn up about it as he was, and he hadn't seen that. Then again, she had never showed it to him.
"Show me your dream last night." he said to Logic, knowing that she, at least, would comply.
"Yes, I suppose it's the logical thing to do now." Logic said, sniffling, "It seems only fair."
A moment passed and a vision appeared before them. Aurora was playing with their children - twins! A boy and a girl! - both named after people they has been connected to. Their daughter named for his lost lover, their son for her father. He'd asked their son to help split wood, and they both complied. Then the villagers came. Aurora fought to keep them from being pulled from her arms, as he had, but it was no use. They had been pulled away, and killed in front of them gruesomely. Dead eyes stared at Aurora, and she lost it right then and there. Her sais came out and they fought side by side, killing each and every villager present. In the end, she mistook him for one of the villagers and plunged her sai through his heart. When he toppled over dead, she came to herself and realized what she had done. She cried over his body, then turned the sai on herself.
Mooney felt a fist clenching on his heart. So, that's why she was so afraid. She wasn't just afraid for their future. She was afraid of losing them, and with them, losing her sanity. She was afraid that, in losing her sanity, she would kill him on accident. Or even on purpose, thinking he was, for some reason, the enemy. She'd lost a husband and son before, and she couldn't bear to have it happen again, so she removed the problem all together. His heart went out to her, and this time he really did hold her, tears streaming down his face.
"Oh, Aurora," he sobbed as he rocked her back and forth in his arms, "you should have told me! I'm sorry I harassed you so much about it. I wish I had known what kind of dreams you were having. I wasn't the only one to give up on a dream, was I? You wanted children, too, didn't you?"
Aurora just nodded her head, not saying anything. Her body shook violently, hitching harshly with each silent sob she made. Ice dropped on his chest and arms, as she cried frozen tears in her mind. Now the question was, why was her mind back to what it was, but her body was not?
That question was answered when Love Aurora finally stepped forward, her face streaked with golden tears.
"You kept me alive in more ways than one." she said, her voice thick from crying. "I'm sorry I hurt you."
Mooney stepped out of her mind then and curled up next to her on the ground, pulling her in close. Tears were streaming down her face, as well as his, and both were sobbing softly.
"I understand now." he said, still crying, "I understand why you broke your promise to me. You were trying to keep me safe, weren't you?"
Aurora just nodded her head.
"I see now, and I think I can forgive you. You should have told me, though, about your dreams and fears. You should have told me everything. I'm your husband, and I'm here to help you."
"I know." Aurora finally croaked in his arms, "I know that. But I was afraid you would leave me."
"Why would you think that? Holy, Aurora! All these years I've ALWAYS put your safety before mine. I would never leave you. You're my wife, and I love you! I always have and always will!"
"I'm such a fool." she said, finally sobbing out loud.
"Yeah, you are. But you're MY fool." he said, gently petting her silky black hair.
"Thanks, Mooney." she said after calming down a bit. "I really don't deserve you."
"Yeah, well, you're stuck with me, so deal with it. Besides, believe it or not, I'm not perfect."
"Never would have guessed it." she said, and Mooney wasn't sure if she was trying to make a joke, or if she was being serious. "What's my punishment?"
"I think ripping out your own uterus and shattering your own dreams is punishment enough. But I must admit, you've got balls to do something like that."
"No, I don't. I'm a woman. Women do not have 'balls'."
"It's an expression, love. It means you are really strong, and really courageous, and really bull-headed."
"I don't know about the first two, but I'll buy that last one."
"Did you..." Mooney said, hesitating, "Did you...die? From blood loss? You look so pale, and you haven't moved a muscle yet."
"No, though I lost more than I thought I would. I sealed the blood vessels as soon as they were split so I wouldn't bleed to death. I guess I missed a few around the opening, though. I just feel weak and tired now."
"Do you feel hungry?"
"No."
"Well, too bad. Once we get home, you're going to eat lots of fruit and fish, even if I have to force feed you. And you're going to drink lots of water." he said, standing up with Aurora in his arms.
"Okay." she said groggily, a wave of dizziness passing over her until she lost consciousness.
Mooney worried about her when she passed out. He was afraid she had lost too much blood, and would die again, except that she had stopped bleeding, and if she were to die from what she lost already, she'd be dead right now. It was that thought alone that took the edge off the worry, though it never completely went away.
Getting her onto his horse was not easy. He had to lift her up to the saddle and lay her across it, before mounting himself and adjusting her so that she was on his lap so he could ride safely. He had untied Moonstone's reins with Firestorms, and now lead the mild, but intelligent horse as he rode Firestorm back to their farm.
It was on the way home that Aurora woke up. The gentle swaying motion of something beneath her was what woke her up, and as she began to stir, she realized she was on someone's legs. When she tried to lift herself up, the movement stopped and she was gently lifted into a seated position, though doing so nearly mad her pass out again. She leaned back against the body that held her upright, now realizing it was Mooney, and held on to the pommel of his saddle. However, neither said anything.
The first thing Mooney did when they arrived home was help her out of the saddle. Aurora looked none too steady, and her face was so pale that it worried him. He tied their reins to a nearby post briefly so he could see her safely to their bed, even though she protested, insisting she could walk. He wouldn't hear anything of it. He scooped her up into his arms and carried her when she first stumbled and fell to her knees.
His concern only grew when, upon laying her on the bed, he realized her forehead felt warm, and her eyes looked dim, not as though near death, but as though she were ill. He sighed to himself and covered her with the blankets, caressing her too-warm forehead softly.
"Damn fool." he muttered as she seemed to start falling asleep. "Just had to do that out in the woods, where you could pick up an infection. Bet you didn't even sanitize your sais. You're not going to see those for a while, not until I'm sure you won't break your promise again."
"Fair enough." she muttered groggily. "I love you, Mooney."
"I love you too, Aurora." he said, kissing her forehead softly, "Get some rest."
"Sounds great." she muttered as she drifted off to sleep.