so i got inspired when i should be studying for my two exams on monday...but oh well! sorry again if i haven't updated. BTW!! I'VE CHANGED MY USER NAME!! it is now loves-oth. it made more sense because that is my fanpop name and the name i use on my youtube channel! so it's still me!!! :) i just wanna say a wee hello to the amazing italhunni28! i haven't spoken to her for ages and if she's reading this then i promise i'll email you next week! :)

enjoy...

25. How Strong Do You Think I Am?

'Haley I don't know if I can.'

Haley placed a finger on his lips to silence him. Without saying a word, she walked over to the basketball hoop and pulled on a small rope.

The white sheets flew gracefully off the stands and onto the ground, revealing large canvases. On each canvas were different pictures. The large centre one contained a life-size picture of Nathan slam-dunking a ball. Around the court on the other canvases were articles about Tree Hill's top player, his scoring records and his university scholarship letters. His NBA kids camp acceptance letter and pictures of him and Haley celebrating their wins surrounded him. He felt his mind flood with memories as he studied the many pictures of him playing. Across the canvases a word was spelt in large letters.

'Tree Hill's Hometown Hero'

Speechless, Nathan turned to Haley, who was smiling.

'I believe in you.'

Nathan shook his head smiling and walked over. He wrapped his strong arms around Haley and rested his chin on the top of her head.

'Thank you Haley, that means a lot.'

Haley pulled back from Nathan and looked up into Nathan's eyes.

'I don't want you to ever doubt that again Nathan.' She spoke softly. 'I always believed in you, even after I left. I never stopped believing in what you could do.'

'But I did.' Nathan sighed. 'I stopped believing that you might come back, and I stopped believing in me. I didn't think you cared anymore Haley. And I couldn't face that.'

Haley squeezed his hands in hers. 'Promise me you'll start to train?'

Nathan nodded. 'I promise. As long as you help me.'

Haley nodded. 'Anything.'

Nathan smirked. 'Can we go back to bed for a sleep? I haven't felt you next to me for a while, you've been too busy.'

Haley giggled softly. 'Of course we can.'

'Right babe I'm off for a run.' Nathan grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.

'Ok, don't push too hard.' Haley reminded.

'I'll miss you.' Nathan kissed the top of her head before he left.

Haley smiled to herself. The past two months had been blissful. Nathan was training and getting back into shape. Haley had been working at the recording studio, and things were getting along just fine. Brooke, Peyton, Jake and Chase had all gone back to college, so the studio was always empty. Haley wasn't up for recording again.

Grabbing the vacuum she made her way to the bedroom. As she hovered the thick carpet she heard a loud clunk as she hit the bed.

Haley switched off the vacuum and knelt down to look under the bed. Her hand found something plastic and she pulled out a CD case.

The case in the corner of the room was taunting her like crazy. She gently sat down on the stool and opened the case to reveal the guitar.

She grabbed her purse and pulled out her trusty notebook. Sitting it on the music stand, she flicked to the pages she had written when Lucas had died. She had eventually turned her scribbles into a song, after Nathan had come home and she had left.

She had never played it, so she didn't know how it sounded. She started strumming the chords on the guitar.

Once she had played the song through once, she decided to play about and try a rough recording. It would be amateur, but she had a studio and some free time.

After the recording, she quickly burned it onto a disc before leaving for Brooke's to get ready for tonight.

It was the CD Haley had recorded and left Nathan. How did it get under the bed? Had he just thrown it there? Had he even listened to it? Had he even noticed it?

Thoughts filled her head as she sat on the floor with the CD in her hand.

--

Confused, Nathan looked around, and his eyes caught a purple envelope sitting on the bed. He walked over and picked up the envelope, opening it slowly. He dreaded what was inside.

A lilac piece of paper slid out of the envelope as an object dropped to the floor. Nathan ignored it as he unfolded the note, his hands shaking.

Haley sat at the island on her laptop typing out the last few lines of her CV. The reality that she and Nathan had bills to pay had just hit her. She really needed a job.

Walking through to the bedroom she waited by the printer as two CVs came out. The clear CD case taunted her as it sat on her bedside table.

Grabbing the CVs, Haley stuffed two envelopes and sealed them. Taking one last glance at the CD, Haley shook her head and left the apartment.

Nathan wandered back into the apartment to find it empty. He felt slight regret as Haley wasn't there. He had wanted to kiss her.

Since Haley had surprised him at the river court Nathan couldn't have been happier. He cursed himself for never telling Haley how he felt when they were younger. They could have avoided a lot of drama and heartache if he had done that.

Walking through to the bedroom Nathan jumped in a quick shower. When he came out he got dressed and something caught his eye.

Over on Haley's bedside table was a clear plastic CD case with a CD inside it. Usually Nathan would have thought nothing of it but Haley had recently made him alphabetise his CD collection and he didn't have clear cases.

Picking it up Nathan put the disk in his CD player and sat on the bed. The first song took a few moments to start but soon a soft strumming of a guitar filled the room.

If I don't cry, do you think I don't feel?

If I look away, it doesn't mean I don't see,

And just because I want someone when I'm alone,

Doesn't mean I'm helpless,

That I can't stand on my own.

Nathan looked up at the CD player in shock. He knew that voice… It was Haley.

How far can we go before we break?

How long can I wait?

How strong do you think I am?

How much can I take of this?

Am I a rock, or a rose, or a fist?

Or the breath at the end of a kiss?

How deep do you want to go, because I'll go there if I can,

You make it harder than it has to be,

How strong, how strong do you think I am?

When did she record this? This song was so, powerful but broken. Had she written it herself?

A sob at the bedroom door made Nathan look up again and see Haley standing there, with tears streaming down her face. Nathan immediately stood up as Haley walked towards him, her arms folded across her body.

It's so hard to tell,

What's in your heart,

What you keep to yourself,

Is tearing me apart,

And should I be afraid,

To dream about you?

And if you feel the same,

What you going to do?

How far can we go before we break?

How long can I wait?

'Baby…' Nathan whispered as he softly wiped Haley's rapidly falling tears. He didn't know what had made Haley record a song like this. He didn't understand why she had written these lyrics, but most of all he didn't understand why she was crying silently in front of him.

How strong do you think I am?

How much can I take of this?

Am I a rock, or a rose, or a fist?

Or the breath at the end of a kiss?

How deep do you want to go, because I'll go there if I can,

You make it harder than it has to be,

How strong, how strong do you think I am?

Haley didn't know what to do. Coming into the house and hearing her voice flowing through the house confirmed her question. Nathan hadn't found it before. No wonder he had never mentioned it.

The walk through to the bedroom seemed to take a lifetime as the memories that made Haley write this song came flowing through her mind.

And now here she was, avoiding the gaze of her loving boyfriend. What was she to tell him? He looked so confused.

If I move in any closer,

If you let go and give yourself away,

and if we let this happen to us,

Everything will change.

How strong do you think I am?

How much can I take of this?

Am I a rock, or a rose, or a fist?

Or the breath at the end of a kiss?

How deep do you want to go, because I'll go there if I can,

You make it harder than it has to be,

How strong, how strong,

Nathan tried to get Haley to look at him as she fought away from his gaze. He needed to know why Haley had recorded this, and what he had doe to cause it.

Haley's breathing became more rapid as more tears came. She panted as she moved across the room and pulled out her notepad from the drawer under her bed.

Handing it to Nathan, she sat down on the bed, her shoulders shaking.

Nathan took the notepad, confused. He started to flick through it, reading through Haley's 'to do' lists from when she was younger.

Then he came across a set of pages that were creased and stretched, they had obviously been very wet. The pages held numerous black smudges, mascara maybe?

He looked at the dates neatly written in the top corner of each page. Lucas' death…

He soon found the page with the song written, but above were a few scribbled words.

'Why does everybody hate me? Lucas dies, Nathan leaves, am I that repelling? And then people just expect me to be fine about it. My best friend expects me to deal with this on my own, after proclaiming his love for me a few weeks ago. Seriously, how can I deal with this alone? God won't even let me kill myself…'

Nathan gasped as Haley hit the floor, screaming and sobbing. Nathan rushed to her side, panicking. He pulled Haley into his lap as she cried into his chest. She scraped at his body, trying to bury herself nearer to him.

Nathan held onto Haley tightly and she sobbed loudly, tears rolling down his face. The thought of Haley trying to commit suicide tore him apart, and made him hate himself even more for leaving her.

'I-I didn't mean to!' Haley sobbed. 'I just needed you! I needed you so much Nathan and you left me and Lucas left me and nobody cared!' She sobbed into his chest.

'Shh baby it's ok I'm here now. You pulled through because you are so strong. You pulled through and now you're here. You don't need to worry about anything Haley because I will never let anything bad happen to you again. I swear Haley, I will never be as stupid as I was when I let you go.'

Haley's sobs quietened as Nathan lifted them to the bed. Gently turning himself on his side he allowed Haley to bury herself right into his body and he covered them with the sheets.

'Nathan please don't leave me.' Haley whimpered. 'I wrote that song because everything kept going wrong.'

'Shh.' Nathan whispered. 'Let's not think about the what ifs. I'm not going to leave you again. I love you so much.'

'I love you too Nathan.' Haley whispered, snuggling into him and falling asleep.

How strong do you think I am?

How much can I take of this?

Am I a rock, or a rose, or a fist?

Or the breath at the end of a kiss?

How deep do you want to go, because I'll go there if I can,

You make it harder than it has to be,

How strong, how strong, how strong, how strong do you think I am?