Chapter 25
"Everything's Not Lost"

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"Amsterdam", by Coldplay.

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"I haven't been this lonely since Ray died." She had appeared behind me as I sat down to breakfast Wednesday morning, staring over at the tables where students were giving and receiving gifts and cards.

Bridget had been like that lately -- Abrupt and honest and everybody but her seemed to notice how depressing it was. On Sunday, when she heard what had happened between the Black brothers, she asked me if I was alright before saying "lucky nobody died" and it was a bit extreme, I thought, but she seemed quite serious. Perhaps that's what your mind does, though, after someone you love dies. Maybe all you can think of are the worst things. I couldn't imagine how destructive it must've been.

And I felt terrible for her that morning as she stood there, looking quite hopeless but somehow determined with her dark hair pulled back and her fringe pinned up, away from her face. I wasn't sure how someone so angry, someone who seemed to have had given up on absolutely everything -- I wasn't sure how she could look so lovely. With her pink lips and alabaster visage; dark eyes and high cheekbones. She was as pretty as a picture and she had such potential, I thought. But all she knew then was that it was Valentine's Day and she was all alone.

"It's just some stupid Holiday," I said, sliding down the bench to make room for her. "Nothing much to fuss about. The fireworks might be nice tonight, though."

Saying nothing, she ate some egg and toast and she knew that I was trying very hard to not care about it, to be as passive as possible, because I refused to have any expectations for James. It was just another day, another cold, bleak day and there would be fireworks tonight and that was enough.

As I looked up to the ceiling of the Great Hall, acting as the sky, I saw the slightest offering of blue behind grey clouds and as I left for my first class, I wondered what form hope would come in if it could come in one. I wondered if sunlight, blue skies and Spring would bring hope to all of the miserable people, all of the hardworking people and all of the uncertainty.

For a moment, I was sure, it would.

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Word had gotten around about myself and James. The Head Boy and Girl and oh, how ideal was that? It wasn't surprising that people were interested in James because it was a blatant fact -- James Potter was popular. Good-looking and talented and an arrogant prat, at times. It wasn't a wonder that in his early years at Hogwarts he would strut around the place, hexing people and boasting about his detentions. And somehow he had become Head Boy and it was wonderful to think he could change so drastically but still keep his core -- It was hard to believe someone was capable of that sort of self-revelation.

It was midday and I dwelled in the dormitory, thinking to myself and wary of setting off down to lunch. Because word had gotten around about the two of us, I felt -- Well, slightly more embarrassed than disappointed that I had yet to receive a word of hello from him let alone a dozen roses. There were cupids lurking around every corner and pink decorations floating in the air, and it became a bit overwhelming to have people more concerned than I was about whether I received a gift from him or not.

One girl loudly wondered to her friend, as I walked by, if I'd get a ring from him during the fireworks. I surpressed the need to make sure she knew we had barely been together a couple of weeks and he hadn't even looked at me yet that day.

I was standing in the middle of the room, my gaze unfocused and unblinking. Then my stomach gave a growl and I sighed, pulled my hair over one shoulder, braided it and left the dormitory, defeated.

The Common Room was, fortunately, deserted and I strode through it quickly, not paying any mind to my surroundings and pondering what to eat for lunch. I thought, maybe, I should have been more concerned about James and his whereabouts but lunch seemed more pressing right then.

"Wotcher, Lily!"

I spun around, knocking my knee hard into a chair, and searched for the source of the voice, which had came from behind me. My long braid whipped into my face as I balanced myself and saw his unmistakable form at the foot of the stairs leading to the boys dorm. There was a strange jolt in my gut that had nothing to do with hunger and I wrapped my arms around my middle as he approached me, feeling slightly anxious despite the grin upon his face.

"Bleeding hell," I murmured and he quirked an eyebrow taking this as my greeting, as I reached down to massage my throbbing knee and smooth the pleats in my plaid skirt as I straightened up. "Sorry, you gave me a start is all."

Sirius' grin widened and he always looked terribly handsome in his uniform, all buttoned up and with a tie around his neck. Putting his hands in the pockets of his slacks, he looked meek for a moment and then boldly met my eyes.

They had let him from the Hospital Wing on Sunday afternoon and he didn't talk too much about what happened, as one might have expected him to. People speculated about it and all Remus would say was that he received a month's worth of detention for the beating he had gave Regulus.

James hadn't said anything more about it, either, since the night it happened. From what Remus had told me, I figured that James had gone to see Sirius in the hospital and I worried that his, though not entirely uncharacteristic, distance with me over the next couple of days was because he found out that I had told Sirius about the two of us without talking to him first.

"D'you see my bruises? I look a bit tough, don't I? And my nose is still kind of massive," I wasn't sure I had ever seen him more proud and that was saying quite something, seeming he possessed more pride than most anyone I knew. "I think I look tough." He repeated and gestured to his nose again and it was protruding a bit more than normal and resembled, slightly, Severus Snape's nose -- I'd never tell him that -- and that nose, frankly, was not a tough look.

"Oh. I...are you all right, though? I mean," I faltered, though he never missed a beat and hung on to my incomplete sentence and I wished he wouldn't, for I was uncertain of what to say to him.

"You do look tough, honestly," I said, awkwardly, figuring it was what he wanted to hear. "Are you hurt, though?"

He was shaking his head before I finished my question and he rubbed his stubbly chin while he thought for a moment.

With a shrug he said, "I'm fine" and his hands returned to his pockets and there was some underlying tension to it all. I felt like he thought I was imposing or about to impose on something he wasn't able to deal with, so I just told him I was glad he wasn't hurt.

"My nose will look normal again. I've to take a potion to keep healing it, but it'll be as good as new." The bruises would fade soon, he said, and I wondered why it was suddenly so important to him to look tough -- Why it mattered that he still bore the marks from the fight with his brother, when before he would've wanted them gone as soon as possible.

I asked him quite slowly and quietly what it had been about, what had caused it all and his thick, brown hair fell into his ghostly grey eyes as he looked down at his feet.

"There are things happening, Lily, you know," he said, simply and matter-of-factly. "It's all about that stuff now," he continued and I found myself fiercely hoping Regulus looked as worn as Sirius did from their encounter. "I think it's far too complicated to really..."

When he trailed off and looked at me I just nodded and didn't press on. He was the type of boy who deserved to keep his dignity.

"Have you been speaking with James today? I've not seen him yet..." I asked, conversationally and there was a shift in the atmosphere between us and I knew he felt more comfortable with this topic -- Though I didn't.

When he nodded vigorously, I felt a stab of dread but forced a tight-lipped smile and pushed my hair behind my ears.

But very suddenly I felt very bitter -- I wasn't sure if it was toward James or Sirius or myself but as I dwelled on it, a taste formed in my mouth and I didn't know if it was just my imagination or not but it was foul upon my tongue and the look on my face contorted and then I was grumbling at him.

"Oh, so I suppose when he's speaking to you, he's not speaking to me. I felt so terrible when the two of you were at odds and sick with guilt, really, but it doesn't matter because it's not like the daft,-"

Sirius cut me off and not in a polite way, but by putting his hand over my mouth and raising his eyebrows pointedly at me, indicating it best if I quit speaking now.

"Listen, don't worry about it, okay? James just...isn't the best at this sort of thing. All I mean is, I watched him destroy a relationship with Jocelyn, completely unaware of the fact, so because he's kind of messing up on Valentine's Day doesn't mean you should jump to any sort of conclusions."

I chewed the corner of my mouth when he dropped his hand from my lips, and I considered his words, abruptly realizing they didn't make me feel any better. Jocelyn had died, was all I thought and for some reason it seemed inappropriate of Sirius to even mention her.

There were no further words passed between us, just those of parting, and I hugged my arms back around me as I continued out of the Common Room, my mind buzzing and my knee aching and my heart thundering.

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Thundering, I thought, stopping in the middle of the corridor and holding my breath. It somehow did sound like thunder, ringing through my head and my ears and I swore if someone was passing me in the dank hall they'd hear it, as well.

I was frantic for a moment, deciding I needed to find James and to tell him I had heard my heart sound like thunder, like he had that day -- That day you asked me to be your girlfriend, do you remember, James? I just was walking and heard it and I thought of you instantly...

Rounding a corner as I thought of what I'd say to him, what I'd like to say to him, I collided into somebody -- A somebody with a rather hard chest and I figured it was him or hoped it was him because I just wanted him so desperately, then.

"Was wondering what you might be up to," he murmured as we took our respective steps back from one another and he fixed his glasses as I clenched my clammy hands at my sides.

Oh, it didn't matter that he hadn't spoke to me until noon on Valentine's Day, I thought as I looked to his bespectacled eyes. It's just some stupid Holiday, I repeated to myself as I had to Bridget that morning, it didn't matter that he was a bit incompetent with it all. We were so fresh and all that really mattered was that he hadn't...Hadn't done something drastic, I thought, but completely unable to tell him any of it. The windows to the left filtered in a dull light that washed over us and my hands looked pale and he had never looked so appealing.

"My heart was just thundering," I told him, rather breathlessly and ashamed of the fact, for I didn't find it any fair that he had such an ability to turn me into mush yet he, himself, could stand there completely unaffected. I was sure it meant I was a bit hopeless and not that he was heartless.

"It was so funny, I was just walking along and realized it sounded as thunder and I thought...I thought of you and then ran into you, and..." I stumbled over my words thinking he'd have something to say, that he'd save me from my floundering but he just stood there and I felt quite helpless as if I were drowning and he would rather watch than recuse.

He cleared his throat after a minute and the corner of his eyes crinkled as a smile passed over his features. Relief flooded through me and I moved toward him without waiting to hear anything he might've had to say, instead wrapping myself up in him and breathing deeply against his neck.

It was a bit before he moved and when he did I found myself -- in a motion that was quite fluid and graceful -- pressed against the stone wall and he felt so feverish against my lips.

The sudden contact with the cool, rough stone sent goose bumps along my skin and he seemed to be following them with his fingertips, over my legs and neck. I didn't believe he had ever kissed me like this or even thought to kiss me like this before the very moment he did it.

He was different in that moment, James was. We were in a corridor and I was pressed against a wall and he had some fascination with my bottom lip. One hand rested against the wall, beside my face and the other was on my just injured knee that might have been bruised but when he touched it, I felt alive and there was something wrong but I couldn't care -- who could? -- when he was kissing me like that.

"All right, Lily," James said, as he pulled away from me, in a voice that was slightly deeper than usual but quite composed when compared to my rapid breathing.

A hand instantly flew to his untidy black hair as we parted from one another and he rumpled it and his cheeks were pink and his gaze was burning. I frowned, tilting my head as scrutinized him. He looked frustrated or angry and as I went to ask him if he was, in fact, all right he told me my braid was falling out and then asked me to watch the fireworks with him that night. I expected a mention of Sirius or some indication of what was bothering him, but it never came.

I wordlessly nodded overcome with far too many things to say and he told me he had to be somewhere but he'd meet me in the Common Room at half past eight. His footsteps echoed loudly through the hall and even louder in my mind when he was long gone.

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"A Warning Sign", by Coldplay.

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I found Bridget sitting in the Great Hall at lunch -- She was eating chocolates. Raising my eyebrows curiously, I sat beside her and reached for a roll and then a dish with vegetables. Before I could say anything to her, however, she popped the top back onto the container of chocolates and offered me to have some when I was finished with my meal."Who...?" I began but left the question hanging as an honest smile graced her lips and I felt the need to tell her to do it more often, but instead just prodded her with my elbow, inviting her to go on.

"Sirius gave them to me," she said and I knew I looked surprised for a moment but Bridget just nodded and continued in a tone that was content and light and the furthest thing from depressing.

"He just sort of plopped them down in front of me at the end of breakfast this morning. He said he had them and there was no one in particular he wanted to give them to, so he thought perhaps I'd like them. Real casual like, you know? But he looked really...really sincere, Lily. I didn't feel like crying for the first time all day, I just..." She smiled again and I would never be able to properly express the rush of appreciation and affection I felt for the boy.

"I think he's such a great guy -- Sirius, I mean. He just is, I think," I told her after swallowing a few mouthfuls of food and I felt her eyes on me and I realized I spoke of him in a sort of awed tone.

"James asked me to go watch the fireworks with him tonight. So, so maybe he was just...feeling off, or something. I'm not sure but you know, it doesn't seem like such a lost cause yet."

That's good, Lily, I heard her say and I knew both of us were wondering if it was really was.

Just a few days ago I had been sitting with Sirius in a dark corridor and he was bruised and beaten and there was a severe doubt over his friendship with James. I had thought it was, perhaps, damaged beyond repair. I thought I had finished it off with me admitting my relationship with James to him, Sirius, but now they were speaking and there was no elaboration from either of them. They were vague and frustrating and the ceiling in the Hall reflected a clear, pale blue sky -- some sort of attempt to break the common cycle of storms and cold and uninviting -- and I was moody throughout the rest of the afternoon, because everything seemed to be a large contradiction.

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I holed up in the dormitory which, when girls took to readying themselves, began to smell of various different perfumes and hair products and became almost choking to breathe in. There was a dire need to impress that evening and I never thought to put makeup on let alone bother with my hair -- James seemed so disinterested in that sort of thing.These girls were stupid, I decided, curled up beneath the covers of my bed with the hangings open, as gleeful voices, all reassuring one another that their boyfriend's would be amazing, passed through the dorm. Oh, one of them was bound to get knocked up and perhaps then they would understand that it was useless to rely on a boy that much.

You sacrifice your independence and your solitude and you're with someone so often that you forget that you are two separate people and when it breaks and falls and shatters you'll be devastated and it's so useless to rely on a boy that much! To rely on anybody that much, it's useless. I knew and refused to acknowledge it then, that I was like that, as well. I looked at James and there seemed to be the entire world in his eyes and it was so hard for me to detach myself from him, it wouldn't make a difference how difficult he was to understand, to deal with -- I grew to rely on him too vastly, too quickly.

To put that much faith in another person is like playing with fire and as I just lay and lay there and thought, I had almost talked myself out of even going to the firework show with him but Bridget loomed over me at quarter past eight and told me if she was attending then I most certainly was.

I was lazy with my appearance, stroking mascara onto my lashes and putting berry coloured lipstick on, combing my hair through with my fingers and dressing in a black sweater, jeans and boots. I brought gloves and a cloak and I felt my mouth go dry while walking down the stairs to the Common Room.

My eyelids fluttered and my hands shook a little when I saw how good he looked, standing there in the emptying room in a pair of dark jeans and a brown coat, which his hands were shoved in the pockets of. The hearty glow of the fire washed over him and he was somehow enhanced, better than maybe ever. I hoped he wouldn't open his mouth and ruin the sight of him. I hoped he'd just be quiet throughout the show and maybe just hold my hand and let me believe -- In something.

He took a deep breath and I expected words of something but instead he just absolutely grinned and let the breath back out in a bit of a satisfied hello.

Every thought in my head was mixed up and tumbling around and I didn't know what to think of him, so I just kissed his cheek almost shyly and kept a few steps ahead of him as we left through the portrait hole. It all suddenly seemed quite doomed, but romantic. Perhaps doom was romantic, though -- An imminent heartbreak held all of the romantic potential in the world if you were one to think like that. It was at that stage when you still had time for salvation and that seemed the most inspiring thing of all.

The staircases and passages were full of students and some Professors keeping watch, heading out to the grounds. At least fireworks in the Wizarding World were more flashy and creative than the ordinary ones Muggles used. It didn't seem quite as commonplace because of that and there was even a murmur of excitement amongst the crowd.

As we made our way en masse through the castle I became very aware of the all of the people around us. I felt as if we were being strictly judged, put on some sort of display for we had never been, as a couple, with this many people before. Rumors and whispers had been easy to deal with simply because we were never together outside of the dorm or outside of the Gryffindor Common Room, where no one really cared.

I slowed my pace and looked over my shoulder to where James was and he seemed to sense whatever it was coursing through me -- worry or need or something -- because he caught my hand in his own before I could turn back around and I tried not to look at him again as we continued on our way. It felt strange to be do something as innocent and intimate as holding hands when we had always been so...frenzied.

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Upon descending the stone steps that led up to the heavy, oak doors I stilled for a moment with closed eyes and breathed. The cool, brisk air was calming and refreshing and invigorating just like the warmth of a fire is relaxing and makes you drowsy.

The only students outside to watch the fireworks were some of the sixth and seventh years, though the younger ones would definitely have a good view from up inside the castle. There were only a couple of Professors outside, standing on the steps and away from the students, most who were trudging through the thin layer of snow toward the lake to watch from there.

"Over here, then?" James gestured to the pack of our classmates huddling together and watching the sky over the lake as if they might fail to make a sound and we would miss out on something. He took his hand back from me and blew on them before pulling his gloves on and I followed suit.

We stood awkwardly for a few moments, craning our necks up as if we'd have to strain to see bursts of light and colour in the dark sky. There was a strange feeling of anticipation in the air and it was either comforting or childish that we were still able to enjoy something as simple as this.

I felt serene, almost too at ease but inside of me there was an unpleasant, restless wave churning. His stare was on me, not on the sky and I could feel them so intensely, so avidly and I could not look at him. My eyes were stinging when the first firework burst and I blinked a few times, suddenly struck with how clear, absurdly clear, the night was.

There were stars and I would've been content with just sitting and staring at them -- another particularly fancy one went whirring into the sky and there was a collective intake of breath -- and it wasn't even absolutely pitch-black out. It was a more of a navy night and the various colours just looked more appropriate against such a backdrop.

Wisps of white cloud floated without menace and you could see the sky reflected, almost exactly, in the still lake. I found myself watching the water more than anything and after each explosion, colour and dazzling effects spent themselves into the evening air. I chanced a look at him, standing close beside me but apparently not daring to touch me, as other couples stood, draped all over one another. We were a bit removed from the main group but still close enough to hear people talking.

His hands were in his pockets once more and he looked like a boy who would enjoy this type of thing -- we had sat together watching the firework show on New Year's Eve, I remembered -- but not want to let on. Nonchalant and mature but I wanted to see him without any inhibitions, he had been so reserved lately and I hadn't expected for it to get worse once we got together.

I was gazing at the colours and patterns in his glasses and then I realized I was staring at my own reflection, he had met my eyes, and I felt my cheeks burn and I turned away as he spoke quietly, almost drowned out by the gasps and Cracks!

"Jenn had her baby. It's a girl," It took a moment for me to think just who Jenn was but then Christmas with his family came flooding back to me and a grin spread over my face.

"Did she? That's brilliant, what did they call her?" I asked with far more enthusiasm than he was speaking with.

"They called her Grace," And another firework blast into the sky, this time a big heart and then a cupid shooting his arrow. They were thematic, I realized, still grinning a bit. Kissing had started among the people and I always felt uneasy when exposed to public displays of affection. I looked to James again, thinking we might share a bit of a chuckle but he just looked so damned exasperated with the whole thing and then he sighed.

"If you didn't want to come here," I said, loudly and coldly with my nose stuck out a bit. "You shouldn't've invited me. If you had some crackpot idea that watching some bloody fireworks might make up for the way you've been behaving," I paused.

Glaring at him, I became very aware of how angry I was. It felt good, it felt nice -- Some sort of release that he had refused to give me in any other way. In talking to me or being with me or anything. The only thing I could resolve to was being angry. I was quite impatient with being quiet about it all, because I felt guilty. It wasn't getting me anywhere, obviously.

"Then you were a bit wrong, weren't you? I don't care if we've only been together a short while, you could've been considerate enough to say Happy Valentine's Day," I wasn't sure he could hear me over all of the eruptions but I was almost yelling as it was. "It's stupid and overdone, but God, James. You don't put much effort into making a girl feel wanted,-"

He grabbed my elbow, hard, and pulled me to the side, even further from the cluster of our peers. His Adam's apple was bobbing and his eyes were alight and he looked as angry as I felt.

"I've been trying to be understanding and keep my mouth shut and try to get over,-"

"Get over what? Did Sirius tell you that he knows about the two of us?" I interjected loudly, trying to wrench my arm from his grasp but he just squeezed it harder, pulling me closer to him and leaning down so our faces were level.

"It has nothing to do with you telling Sirius! He was bound to hear it, I don't care. No, Remus told me something and I realized, Lily, that I couldn't trust you with anything. I can't trust you with my friends and most certainly not my feelings for you."

My anger subsided quickly, though more in a boiling over way than a soothed one. Red, hot shame poured over me and I knew the moment he said Remus's name what he had found out, why he didn't think he could trust me.

I felt like crying. I was breathing fast and it wasn't like earlier when he had kissed the breath out of me -- I was shocked and perhaps panicking but mostly mortified. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right for him to throw that at me now when he had plently of time earlier, when he could've quietly discussed it with me, but not when we were meant to be enjoying ourselves.

"Oh no," I moaned and put my gloved hands to my face, burying it away in them and trying to catch my breath. In and out, deeply now, in and out and then he yanked my hands away and he was blazing, he was furious and hurt but so was I.

"We weren't even speaking. You just up and decided to act as if I didn't exist for three weeks and what would you have had me done? Go on acting fine with everything? When you lied to me and you don't tell me anything, James! You act like I don't even deserve to be with you, as if I've not earned the right and it's not..." I was quivering and my breaths were coming shaky and I didn't know what to do.

"I didn't expect you to go jump into bed with my best mate," he told me and he let go of me and my voice croaked with tears when I spoke again.

"James, please. I didn't shag Sirius, we were just...We were just comfort and fooling around. It was stupid but so were you. Remus, had no right telling you. I hate him so badly! It was between Sirius and myself."

The calm came as quickly as the anger had and he told me, again, that he just could not trust me. I held his wrist and pulled him close and stared into his eyes and I didn't think it would be like this, the first time. I didn't think I would want him this badly, I didn't think anybody could become so attached to another human being.

"You told me that anything you and Sirius had -- At Christmas time, you said it was over with. The two of you were friends and the minute that we're not on good terms...You go to him. I don't know, Lily. I just...honestly, don't know."

Nothing about the night now was as lovely and cleansing as it had first been. The fireworks were obnoxious and the air was so cold it hurt to breathe and it was even darker now.

The last firework rang out into the sky and then everything went black.

It was in the second, there, before anyone could grab their wands and before any lights illuminated in the castle, that I turned away from him and walked back toward the school. I heard my name on his lips once more as I made off and it was a bit pleading, but I didn't think I could handle it. I didn't think I could handle him breaking up with me in front of so many people. I felt ill -- my stomach flopping around and my heart fluttering strangely -- and betrayed and wasn't even thinking about how he felt, though I hoped more than I knew that it was as terrible as I felt.

Oh my God, I thought as I wiped at my eyes, my heart might actually be breaking.

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"Sleep", by Azure Ray.

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Wow. So, it's been a long, long while and I apologize for that. I think, or hope, that this chapter is worth it. I hope it's not too boring or anything. I really think I needed the extra time, though. For myself and to write some other things. I appreciate all of your reviews and I you're the best critics a girl could have. It's so good and inspiring to know people enjoy this and I always try to impress. I worry constantly over what my readers might think and try desperately to keep a good standard.I hope you enjoy it and lyrics, as always, are on my livejournal. The end bit may seem a bit abrupt -- It was meant to go on longer but I just felt it was fitting to end there. It gives me a place to start in the next chapter. And though it seems maybe a bit sad, a bit depressing -- Maybe, yeah, they had a huge row and maybe they'll break up, who knows. But consider the chapter title, Everything's Not Lost (it's a Coldplay song that I didn't find a place for in this chapter). I just feel like, despite it all, there should be an underlying hope to this chapter.

My summer has been quite long and dull but enjoyable, nonetheless. I hope the rest of you are having good summer's and that you're breaks don't end too, too soon. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

Kaitlyn.

P.S. If you're having trouble recalling what it is that Remus told James, you can take a look back at Chapter 21 -- Lost & Found. The whole Lily/Sirius thing takes place in that chapter.