Chapter 25: A Room in my Heart

In her mind she wandered over different scenarios, completely caught up in the perfect way to show him that it didn't matter to her.

She wandered somewhere deep in her heart if he even wanted her now that he had this small child to look after.

She still hadn't heard from him. Her heart began beating just a little more weakly at the thought.

She brushed her hair out of her face along with the thought and went back to planning.

She had to try, she had to show him.

If in the end he didn't want her, he would tell her—at least her Severus, the old Severus, surely would. No matter how much it would hurt her, she could not go another five years wondering what might have been because of her weaknesses and low self-esteem.

And so she planned.

She imagined writing him a letter. To Hermione, this felt the most logical. That way she could say exactly what she wanted to say without him interrupting or her mind going fuzzy on details because of her nerves.

It was perfect, she decided.

At her desk, she pulled a stack of parchment towards her and set the ink and quill by her right hand. No one said it was going to be a short letter.

With her hand shaking and her bedroom window closed to the distractions of the outside world she set to work dipping the quill ever so slightly into the basin of ink.

Severus,

I want so much to tell you everything that is on my mind right now.

This she striked out with fierceness and glowered at the paper.

Severus,

she began again.

I love you. Despite all that has happened, or perhaps because of it, I know that I could never love anyone the way that I do you.

She paused. Smiling down at her scripted handwriting, she waited for more inspiration to strike. This wasn't so bad, she concluded. Direct and to the point.

And so she continued.

I've known you since I was eleven years old. You've been a figure of authority, a figure of fear, and a figure of my deepest confidence. When I began dreaming of you, or rather meeting you within my dreams, I knew that we had a connection so deep that it withstood the physical world.

I know that had I not been so stubborn after the war, we could have been much happier, much sooner. Yet I surrounded myself with my sadness and I hid myself away, fearing the link that we have. But I've realized now, now that you're in my life once more, that I don't want to lose this… I don't want to lose this connection. It's too strong and it means so much.

You, Severus, are all I have left of our previous lives. Everything else changed the minute I saw you in my dreams and to this day, you are still the man of my dreams whether you know it or not.

What I'm really saying is—please, don't forget what we have. What we've always been destined to have together. I know that in mere moments you're life has changed most drastically and mine has stayed more or less the same. But, I am willing to change my own life to better fit yours. Not just willing—I want to change my life, my world, to better fit yours.

I love you, Severus. It is not something I can stop, or change or hide from. I tried for years and it got me nowhere but back into your arms and dreaming of you once more. I need you… and if you let yourself, I know, deep down, that you could need me too.

Please. Think.

I'll love you forever,

Hermione

She glowed as her pen became still. The urgency to say what she desired disappeared as she stared at her feelings written down.

Hermione thought back to the one night that they'd spent in each others arms and how it hadn't been uncomfortable the way she had feared it always would be. A rush of crimson heated her face as she thought back on it. She knew that how much she loved him had altered her into an entirely new person and knowing and accepting the love and only changed her more.

She got up off the desk chair and stretched her legs. She had to give him the letter. Inside she knew she wanted to see him one last time, too. Just in case he chose to go on alone.

Hermione shuddered at the thought.