Chapter 25

This is it. This is why I asked her to come here. I have to talk to her and I have to do it today. I'm not ready. I'm never going to be ready, but I have to do this. I have to face my fears of talking about Dad. I have to learn to stop avoiding. Meredith was able to do it - at least she's slowly learning to - and she's the queen of avoiding. So if she can do it, so can I.

"It's very nice land, dear, but don't you think a house would be better than a trailer?" Mom asks, taking me back to reality.

"Yeah, Mom, but I don't really want to live in a big house by myself," I sigh as we walk towards the dock. I should probably show her the cliff, show her that I do want to build a house, but for some reason I can't. I know it won't be any different than when I showed Mark, but that was before the cliff became my place with Meredith. So I can't show her the cliff.

"You don't have to build a big house, Derek."

"I know, Mom. I just...can't," I finish lamely.

"But you have house plans."

"Oh, you remember that," I frown. I was hoping she had forgotten about the plans.

"Of course I do, dear. I pay attention to what my children say," she says with a soft smile as we reach the dock, sitting down on the bench I have set out there for when I went to watch the sunrise.

"I had the plans drawn up for a house with Meredith. I can't just go ahead and build them."

"I understand that, dear, but you don't have to build that house," she says.

"Mom," I sigh, "I don't want to build a house by myself. I don't want to just build any house. I want to build the house with someone special."

"Of course you do, Derek, but living in a trailer is not exactly ideal."

"Ideal for who?" I ask with an edge to my voice. "Ideal for you and the sisters? Ideal for successful doctors? I had a house, Mom. I've experienced living in a big house by myself. I can't do that anymore. I don't want to do it. When I build a house, I want to have a family to live in it with me."

"Oh, Derek," she says, concern clearly showing in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean for it to come out so harshly. I knew you weren't going to be happy that I live in a trailer, but that's the way it is and you're going to have to accept that."

"I know, dear, and I'm sorry too," she says, giving me a smile and squeezing my arm gently, "But Derek, you can't live in the trailer forever."

"I am not planning to," I say, shaking my head. "I showed Meredith the house plans and I plan on building it. Not now, but eventually I will. I will build it when we're both ready."

"What happened, Derek? The last time I spoke with you it seemed as though everything with Meredith was going very well," she asks, looking out into the horizon, concern marring her features.

"It was. Everything was going so well until it just stopped," I say sadly, pausing for a moment, "She died mom."

"Derek," she gasps, placing a hand on my arm.

"And when she did, I felt like my world stopped. I felt like I died too. All I could think about was that I should've picked her the first time, that I could've had that much more time with her being happy if I had just signed the divorce papers right away." I can feel the tears starting to form, my heart squeezing. Mom senses my hesitation to continue, but she knows she has to let me talk, to get everything out in the open. It is as if the dam had burst and I just have to keep going.

"You don't know what it was like, Mom. It killed me to have to do CPR on her. She was cold and blue, just the shell of the woman I love. And when they brought her back, I wasn't even the first one there to see her. I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to see that she was alive. Her mother just died and I was the one there," I say as the tears start falling. I run my hands through my hair and keep going, "I was with her mom instead of her. I was the doctor when Ellis Grey died and I couldn't bring myself to face Meredith after that. I felt like I had killed her mother. I felt like I had failed Meredith. So I avoided."

"Of course I had made sure she was alright. I made sure that she was back with me, but it was different. It was a like a piece of me had died when she died. I came here afterwards. The trailer was my sanctuary, but it really wasn't. I wasn't talking to you or the sisters, I didn't have Mark, and I didn't have Meredith. I was dealing with so many things, Mom. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could be strong like I tried to be when Dad died," I choke out, looking at her as the tear start falling freely.

She puts an arm around me and rubs my back gently, "Derek, You never have to try to be strong. We're here for you. No one expects you to be strong every time."

"I know. I know that, Mom," I say, my shoulders shaking, "But I was thirteen. I was the only man left in the house. I was scared that if I broke down, everything would just fall apart. And now it has because I avoided then and I'm avoiding now. I'm sorry, Mom. I'm so, so sorry. I failed you and Dad. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry, Derek," she says as I feel the tears start falling from her eyes, hitting my head.

"I do, Mom," I interject.

"No, Derek. You have nothing to be sorry for. You did what you thought was best for you and for the family. You don't get to be sorry for that. I'll admit I was extremely concerned that you weren't allowing yourself to grieve, but you don't have to apologize for that."

"But Mom-" I begin, looking up at her.

"No, Derek," she says, shaking her head, "You never failed us. I'm so proud of you. You've been through so much and here you are. You are successful, healthy, in love, and you have a woman that loves you. That's all I can ask for, Derek."

"I turned my back on the family, Mom. I left New York for Seattle. I didn't call you as much as I should have," I say as the tears keep falling.

"You did, and as much as it hurt me that you did, I knew you had to. You needed to find yourself again, Derek. I understand why you did what you did."

"Mom," I breathe as I wrap my arms around her, sobs continuing to rack my body.

"Let it out, dear, let it out," she murmurs, running her hand through my hair. We sit there for awhile, just holding onto each other like we did whenever I had nightmares and couldn't sleep as a boy. I miss this. I miss my mom. I'm glad I listened to Mark. I need her. I feel so ashamed to have turned my back on her and yet here she is, holding me and telling me that I have nothing to be sorry for.

The tears slowly begin to subside, but I know that more will come later on. We still have a lot to talk about, but a cool breeze is starting to pick up. "Do you want to go inside, Mom?" I ask, wiping the remaining tears from my eyes. She simply nods in response. We walk back towards the trailer in silence, the emotions of our talk still lingering in the air around us. I offer her the small couch while I make us a pot of coffee. We stay in silence a bit more until the coffee is done percolating. I pour us each a cup and make my way to the couch to sit beside her.

"What else happened, Derek?" she asks, knowing that there was still more for me to tell her about Meredith.

I take a deep breath before starting, "After she came back, I started pulling away and we started drifting apart. Partially because I still felt responsible for her mother's death, but also because Richard told me he couldn't give me Chief because he was looking out for Meredith. It was my dream.

"Was?" she asks.

"Was," I nod, "Until I met Mer. I didn't realize it until much later, but my dreams changed when I met her. I knew that if I could just get to spend the rest of my life with her, I would be completely happy. I don't need to be Chief anymore. If it happens, it happens, but it's not at the top of my list anymore. Making Meredith happy is."

"That's good, Derek. I'm happy you've realized that work isn't everything."

I nod in agreement, "What I went through with Addison opened my eyes to that. I knew I didn't want that to happen again if I ever found someone. But it still happened. We still drifted away because of my career. I was so blind, Mom. I didn't see that what I had with Meredith was far too valuable to throw away just because Richard wouldn't give me chief. But eventually, I figured it out. Richard did offer me chief, but I turned him down. I knew what I wanted and I wanted Meredith. At that point, I was just hoping that she still wanted the same thing."

"I confronted her before Dr. Burke's wedding, I told you about it," she nods. "She broke up with me that day. At least I thought she did and I was crushed. She left after the wedding. Seventeen days. Seventeen long days when all I could do was think and worry that it was over, that I avoided far too much and put all the blame on her. When she came back, we talked. Well, not really, but she told me straight up that it was over," I tell her sadly, finishing off my coffee and setting it on the small table in front of us.

"I couldn't let it happen so we fooled around. Sex and mockery," I say, with a small chuckle. "I knew you wouldn't be happy about it so I stopped calling. It wasn't how you raised us to live."

"I raised Markie too, Derek," she says with a laugh.

"Yeah, but I know you never expected that from me. We did sex and mockery for awhile, but I needed more and I told her that. I was dating. I shouldn't have been. She was dealing with too much. Her mother died, her stepmother died, too, she's just starting her residency, and she met a sister she never knew existed. But I laid it out on the table. Eventually, I just couldn't wait. She wasn't ready. She was trying to, she told me she was. She told me she didn't want me to date anymore, but I needed more. So I showed her the house plans. I thought that since she was getting ready, she wouldn't avoid and freak out, but she did. I couldn't handle it. I kissed someone else, Mom. I kissed someone else when the woman I love was trying to get ready for me. I was too selfish, Mom. I kept taking and taking, but I never really took the time to consider what she was going through. And now I've lost her," I say, tears beginning to form in my eyes once again.

"You haven't lost her, Derek. That girl loves you very much," she says, rubbing my back.

"She can't wait for me forever, Mom, and I don't expect her to. I've hurt her too much."

"You're talking to me, Derek. You're making the effort. That's something. And I know Meredith loves you very much, dear. She's going to wait for you."

"But what if she doesn't? What if it's too late?" I ask, facing her, the tears once again falling freely.

"You have to fight for her no matter what. You have to keep fighting, because if you don't you're going to regret it. But it's not going to be too late, Derek," she says firmly.

"How do you know that, Mom?"

"I saw the way she looks at you, Derek. It told me all I need to know."

"I just...I can't lose her. Not again. We're friends now and I don't want to screw that up, but I still want more," I say.

"You won't, Derek. But we both know that if you don't try, you're going to lose more."

"I know, Mom. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can win her back."

"You can, Derek. She wants you to win her back. I know that. Talk to her. Really talk to her like we're talking right now," she says, putting an arm around me and letting me cry on her shoulder for the second time this afternoon.

"You really like her don't you?" I ask as my tears begin to subside.

"I do," she says softly

"How? You don't even really know her, Mom."

"You love her, Derek. That's always been enough for me. I admit that at first, I was sceptical. I thought you were just hurting and you just needed the companionship."

"What changed?" I ask.

"Markie."

"Mark?"

She nods. "He told me everything, how you hit him, which by the way Derek Michael, I taught you better," she says sternly. I give her an apologetic smile in response before she continues. "It was when Nancy came out here to check up on you. Of course she only focused on the negatives when she told me about Meredith, but Markie, what he said really changed my mind about Meredith."

"What did he say?"

"He said you were lonely with Addison. He said that your eyes lit up whenever Meredith entered the room," she says smiling softly, pausing for a bit before continuing, "He said that you had found your home, that around her, you were the person you were before you father died. When he said that I knew that you had found someone special. You loved Addison, Derek, but it was never like you have with Meredith. I didn't see it at first, but I do now. You were never this broken when you and Addison were having problems."

"No. With Meredith, I just...I feel whole. I feel like I'm on top of the world. I feel like me," I say leaning back on the couch.

"And this is why I like her, Derek."

"I thought because of Nancy, you wouldn't. I thought you would come out here and ream her out. Even when you said you have nothing against her. I just thought maybe you were just saying all that to placate me."

"I'm sorry you felt that way, dear. And I'm sorry for how your sister treated Meredith."

"Thanks, Mom, but you don't have to apologize for Nancy. And you being here and telling me that you really do like Mer is amazing," I say, giving her a smile.

"I just want you to be happy, Derek. I know it's hard right now, but you have to fight for her. She wants you to. And I want the both of you to be happy together."

"I know, Mom. I want us to be happy together too. I want us to build a house and a life together."

"Thank you for asking me to help you, Derek."

I put an arm around her and pull her close. "I wanted you to be here. You're my Mom and I've neglected you. I can't even begin to apologize for that. You're always there for me when I need you. I wouldn't want anyone else's help but yours," I say, giving her a kiss on the cheek before standing up to bring our empty coffee cups to the sink. I'm very lucky to have Katherine Shepherd as my mother. I vow right now never again to turn my back on her.

And Mark. In his own sick and twisted way, the bastard has helped mend my relationship with everyone around me. And he helped me find Meredith. He certainly made up for what he did in a huge way. It occurs to me then the interaction between Mom and Mark.

"How were you able to forgive Mark so easily?" I ask suddenly, turning to face her and leaning against the counter.

"He's family, Derek. Before he came out here, he came to see me to apologize. He looked so broken. His brother was gone and he didn't know what to do anymore."

"He lived with Addison, Mom. They were together for two months after I left."

"I know, Derek. He told me when he came to apologize. We didn't speak for the two months after you left. I don't think he could face us after what had happened. But I missed him. He is as much my son as you are," she says. "I didn't forgive him right away. He wronged you. He destroyed the sanctity of your marriage-"

"But he's family," I whisper.

"He's family," she nods.

"Thank you." I say, moving towards her, giving her a hug.

"For what, dear?"

"For forgiving him. If you hadn't, he wouldn't have come out here and I still won't have my brother."

"Oh, Derek," she breathes as tears begin to fall from her eyes once again.

"Don't cry, Mom," I say, pulling away and wiping her tears with the pad of my thumb and giving her a soft smile.

"I'm just happy my family is whole."

"I am too. So thank you," I say, giving her another hug.

"You're welcome," she whispers.

But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth